Husband has a nap, I'm pregnant and no nap allowed

[OneNapForMeNoNapForYou]

It's as tedious as it sounds.
Husband brings toddler back from shops 2 days in a row late, obviously toddler's had power nap so refuses actual nap. Over tired screaming baby.
I say on the second day of this happening that he can deal with the fallout. I'm pregnant with no.3, ill most of the time, throwing up, migraines etc.
Went for a lie down as migraine as ever if I'm tired.
He's obviously not happy he's having to look after toddler, stamps in afyer 1.5hrs, no asking how I am, no conversation, I'm woken up with bright light as he announces he's off to fix the lawnmower.

Toddler left in kitchen as I come out asking what the fuck.
He's already outside.

I yell after him asking if it's really normal to just run out the door and leave your wife I'll, of course then I look mad yelling.

He had naps all last week where he slept all afternoon til after 5pm, I didn't angrily throw kids at him after 1.5 hrs like a petulant toddler.

Maybe 2021 I start treating him how he treats me.

I know people go mad generally when people ask this question and normally I agree. If it's the first one and if people did not see their true colours before.

I know there is nothing you can do now but you have put yourself in a worse position by becoming pregnant again. Please bare this in mind in the future after number 3 is here. It is not nice for kids to grow up in environments like this. My best friend is in this position. 2 kids with an extremely lazy, selfish man so all they witness is mummy crying/angry and daddy sulking/storming off/drinking. Oh and mummy is exhausted all the time because she does everything. Really hoping she leaves the useless donkey ASAP because being a single mum is hard but having a man child to look after is worse.

Sorry you are with someone like that. Seriously need to set the bar higher. Have a real think at whether he is going to improve or not and if you want to be with him romantically. Its okay to be on your own if that is the route you choose.

Your husband sounds selfish and needs a reality check. My DH stresses out when he thinks I haven’t had enough fluids to drink and rushes to get water and that’s when not preggo. Speak to your DH if he is not normally like this (and you say he was good with your middle child) is something bothering him?

@Jobsharenightmare

I think you'll be better off in the long run trying to unpick the issue underneath this together.

If you start acting the same, your relationship is doomed and your children will grow up seeing toxic selfish people at each other or deliberately punishing each other for years of resentment.

You are genuinely better off here leaving if you are not willing to try to work out what's going on and then work together to improve your marriage.

I know. It's why I don't retaliate or engage in toxic tit for tat behaviour but he's not going to be sleeping through the day if I'm apparently not allowed to. Then he can explain to me why it's ok for him but not me.

He had naps all last week where he slept all afternoon til after 5pm

Does this man work or is he off on furlough at the moment?

Sulking and pouting and indirectly sabotaging things are all passive aggressive behaviours. Passive aggressive behaviours are usually displayed by people who are not able to communicate their own needs in a normal direct fashion.

I can see why it would be very hard to leave him now (although well worth it in the long run). The only way to improve your situation if you stay is for him to address his poor communication skills. Would he engage with couples therapy? My DH had some passive aggressive tendencies and literally one therapy session and he was a changed man. That was years ago and he’s never slipped back. He was never selfish though, just very prone to sulking. He also found a book called The Chimp Paradox very helpful. However, he was very motivated to change. Because I’d left him!

Ah sorry, I just read your post about his contract ending. Well instead of sleeping all day, he needs to be out there drumming up work!

I don't think there is any hope of improvement with a partner like this.
He doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to be influenced by you, just wants to defend himself when you bring up legitimate issues. He has to be right. You can't improve things with someone whose entire psychology is set up like this.

You have a good career - you have financial independence. You are very fortunate. I would use that good fortune and start planning the end of the relationship as soon as you are able.

There's nothing but a life of resentment and frustration ahead of you with a man like that.

@peachypetite

Why the fuck are you pregnant again?!

Yep, thought that too.

Hi Op
Your husband is obviously a man child that needs to pushed in the right direction to grow up.

He Sounds as if he Competitive about Naps/childcare.

New year give him a taste of his medicine with his kind of behavior

Set up strong boundaries to ensure he gets the message you are no longer going to just roll over accept this.
Good luck.

@TheSockMonster

Sulking and pouting and indirectly sabotaging things are all passive aggressive behaviours. Passive aggressive behaviours are usually displayed by people who are not able to communicate their own needs in a normal direct fashion.

I can see why it would be very hard to leave him now (although well worth it in the long run). The only way to improve your situation if you stay is for him to address his poor communication skills. Would he engage with couples therapy? My DH had some passive aggressive tendencies and literally one therapy session and he was a changed man. That was years ago and he’s never slipped back. He was never selfish though, just very prone to sulking. He also found a book called The Chimp Paradox very helpful. However, he was very motivated to change. Because I’d left him!

I've said I feel like I'm tiptoeing around. He doesn't take critique well. Not sure couples therapy would work but I guess if he started to try and convince them it was me who's crazy and he's doing everything like he seems to think then I'll know it's over.

Imagine what petty shit he'll pull if I leave.

Today 09:34Pyewhacket

peachypetite

Why the fuck are you pregnant again?!

Yep, thought that too.

We've all pondered this.
Consensus is I'm a moron.
Hope that clears it up.

This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve read on here.
This is abusive behaviour OP. I may be wrong, but I’m reading that he wanted sex when middle baby was really young and now you’re pregnant again.
I would be getting rid of him tbh. What does he bring to the relationship?!
I was rather alarmed by the you’ll get punished comment too.

God I hope it's just a glitch in the matrix and he's not going to be awful for The rest of the pregnancy.
I'm going to get huge and uncomfortable and will need rests.
I'll start weaning soon I think, then book a night away..not a spa weekend but certainly some time before new baby arrives.

Thanks for listening to the drivel.

@OneNapForMeNoNapForYou ignore the catty repetitive questions about why you’re pregnant again, though you are handling them well.

@PinkiOcelot

This is one of the most depressing posts I’ve read on here. This is abusive behaviour OP. I may be wrong, but I’m reading that he wanted sex when middle baby was really young and now you’re pregnant again. I would be getting rid of him tbh. What does he bring to the relationship?! I was rather alarmed by the you’ll get punished comment too.

He didn't coerce me, middle child isn't tiny, it was my own fault. I agree the punishment thing is horrific, it's my interpretation of what happens, he would say it's not punishment but just he didn't get time to tidy or he needed to do that lawnmower.

First thing I'd do is have a nap while he's at the shop. When you are feeling up to it you need to tell him how you feel, shouting doesn't really help in my experience. Are you seeing a midwife, maybe she can have a word about you needing rest?

I think weening middle one is going to help, I know some people will feed two but it does take it out of you and if you are having a lot of sickness with this pregnancy you need to think of the new baby and what it needs.

I hope the new year might bring better times.

[quote Winterwoollies]@OneNapForMeNoNapForYou ignore the catty repetitive questions about why you’re pregnant again, though you are handling them well.[/quote]
😄 it's ok. I'm often thinking it as well when I read posts.
Can't undo it so will look towards solution focused approach.

He's emptying dishwasher and feeding child.

New year soon.

^He doesn't take critique well.
Not sure couples therapy would work but I guess if he started to try and convince them it was me who's crazy and he's doing everything like he seems to think then I'll know it's over.^

It would only work if he was prepared to engage with it, which it doesn’t sound like he would be

I practically begged my DH to go to couples therapy for about 2 years before I finally left him. I’ve since asked him if he thinks there was any way I could have persuaded him to go. He thinks not. He said his walls were so thick it was only when he’d lost everything and had nothing else to lose that it was worth it.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I fully intended it to be permanent and, in many ways it was because that sulky man child I’d ended up married to is gone forever.

If you leave him it will either push him to change or it won’t. Either way, you’ll be in a much better position than you are now. Believe me I know it’s not easy.

In the meantime try and keep your communication with him direct and unambiguous. Hard when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, but even that is enabling him.

@TheSockMonster

^He doesn't take critique well. Not sure couples therapy would work but I guess if he started to try and convince them it was me who's crazy and he's doing everything like he seems to think then I'll know it's over.^

It would only work if he was prepared to engage with it, which it doesn’t sound like he would be

I practically begged my DH to go to couples therapy for about 2 years before I finally left him. I’ve since asked him if he thinks there was any way I could have persuaded him to go. He thinks not. He said his walls were so thick it was only when he’d lost everything and had nothing else to lose that it was worth it.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I fully intended it to be permanent and, in many ways it was because that sulky man child I’d ended up married to is gone forever.

If you leave him it will either push him to change or it won’t. Either way, you’ll be in a much better position than you are now. Believe me I know it’s not easy.

In the meantime try and keep your communication with him direct and unambiguous. Hard when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, but even that is enabling him.

I'll try. Thank you.

It's late here now and I.eeally must eat a days worth of food.

Thank you everyone.

You have a good career - you have financial independence. You are very fortunate. I would use that good fortune and start planning the end of the relationship as soon as you are able
I agree with this

There's nothing but a life of resentment and frustration ahead of you with a man like that.

And the second part too!!

This sounds like my now exh - there were a number of issues but the burning resentment I felt at the lack of care he had given me and our children when they were newborns never left. I left him the minute our youngest was old enough that I trusted him to look after them alone.
The fucking afternoon naps or football games leaving me with two young children to look after all the time drove me insane.
It was one of my grounds for divorce.
Funnily enough he seems to be a much better parents two nights a week and now I actually get a break and a rest

And I too had financial independence which was the absolute best thing

I don’t understand why you would have a third child with him

^This! Why have two, let alone three?