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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has a nap, I'm pregnant and no nap allowed

205 replies

OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 06:30

It's as tedious as it sounds.
Husband brings toddler back from shops 2 days in a row late, obviously toddler's had power nap so refuses actual nap. Over tired screaming baby.
I say on the second day of this happening that he can deal with the fallout. I'm pregnant with no.3, ill most of the time, throwing up, migraines etc.
Went for a lie down as migraine as ever if I'm tired.
He's obviously not happy he's having to look after toddler, stamps in afyer 1.5hrs, no asking how I am, no conversation, I'm woken up with bright light as he announces he's off to fix the lawnmower.

Toddler left in kitchen as I come out asking what the fuck.
He's already outside.

I yell after him asking if it's really normal to just run out the door and leave your wife I'll, of course then I look mad yelling.

He had naps all last week where he slept all afternoon til after 5pm, I didn't angrily throw kids at him after 1.5 hrs like a petulant toddler.

Maybe 2021 I start treating him how he treats me.

OP posts:
Mumtoalittlegirl · 31/12/2020 07:17

Sorry you’ve had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. How far along are you?

I’m currently 8 weeks. DH has been amazing and I wouldn’t expect anything less. He works really hard around the house too so I make sure he gets to have naps but he wouldn’t blame me if I was too tired.

StiffyByng1 · 31/12/2020 07:18

I agree it is, but I read so many similar posts on here and I’m genuinely baffled. I hope it gets better for her and he ups his game. She deserves more.

peachypetite · 31/12/2020 07:20

How far along are you OP? M I get so angry reading posts on here by women who allow themselves to be treated like shit by their partners and have multiple children with them.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 07:22

@speakout

Has he always been like this OP?

Or just since your third child was concieved?
I am not sure how a new baby in the mix will help.
You need to sit down and have some serious discussion.

He was better with middle child. I just think he is bored of me being so unwell. Thinks I'm making it up perhaps? Wasn't too bad with middle child as was working and had work people supporting me if I needed feeding etc (motherly types)

I have said he's in for a rude awakening soon because middle baby will need weaning soon as I can't sustain this, and in hospital and newborn little middle baby will need dad to step up.

OP posts:
BelleSausage · 31/12/2020 07:22

Tell him. Be honest.

My DH is a bit like this. He just hasn’t been brought up to consider other people’s feelings. His mother is exactly the same (which is ironic considering how much he dislikes her).

What has helped over the years is me pushing back on when he is being inconsiderate. Read a book called ‘Radical Candor’.

He should know when he is being selfish but he doesn’t. Time to push back to get what you need. DH is much better if we’ve mapped out the day (and I always include a rest for both of us) and knows what he doing next. In the morning, tell him clearly that you are having a nap in the afternoon and he is taking the kids out.

StiffyByng1 · 31/12/2020 07:23

I hope all gets better for you.

HelloitsmeMargaret · 31/12/2020 07:23

For some people getting pregnant is really really easy. For others they don't have much choice in not getting pregnant. Shaming someone for it is just wrong.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 07:24

[quote HelloitsmeMargaret]@165EatonPlace what would you have her do? Click her fingers and make the baby disappear?[/quote]
Maybe they can come watch it while I nap.

But in all seriousness, not ideal

OP posts:
louisejxxx · 31/12/2020 07:25

You need to sit him down and explain how this was completely unfair on you. Accident or not, you're going to need much more support than he's currently giving when the 3rd one comes along.

jessstan1 · 31/12/2020 07:28

@StiffyByng1

I don’t understand why you would have a third child with him :(
I thought that too, Stiffy, but we all know things do not always go to plan. It is a shame though.
HelloitsmeMargaret · 31/12/2020 07:28

No it's not, but of things that need to change that isn't going to be one of them.

@BelleSausage's post however sounds really constructive.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 07:31

@BelleSausage

Tell him. Be honest.

My DH is a bit like this. He just hasn’t been brought up to consider other people’s feelings. His mother is exactly the same (which is ironic considering how much he dislikes her).

What has helped over the years is me pushing back on when he is being inconsiderate. Read a book called ‘Radical Candor’.

He should know when he is being selfish but he doesn’t. Time to push back to get what you need. DH is much better if we’ve mapped out the day (and I always include a rest for both of us) and knows what he doing next. In the morning, tell him clearly that you are having a nap in the afternoon and he is taking the kids out.

I'll have a look at that book. Upbringing sounds similar to his, very unsympathetic mother.

I think he just sees it as lazy. That I'm just a lazy lump and he's doing everything.

I've said before that when babies are newborns it's me who is up all night, all day with them so him now doing a bit more (he's not working currently) is temporary and a few months it'll be me 24/7 boobs and disturbed sleep.

I appreciate all comments, it's fine to ask why the hell you're doing it again.
It was a shock. Middle child took years to conceive, I am still breastfeeding and onmy did it once.

I should do talks in schools.
'Be careful...it only takes once.

OP posts:
Swearlikemalcolmtucker · 31/12/2020 07:32

This really upsets me on your behalf OP. When I was pregnant, DH would tell me off if I wasn’t resting enough or would try to track down food I fancied eating while feeling sick.
Just this morning he’s sent me back to bed as I was up all night with DS, despite the fact he’s knackered from doing all the earlies this week for the same reason.
I’m not saying this to make you feel worse but because surely this is what it should be like! He should be part of the team, they’re his kids too and he should want to support you and look after you when you need it.
I can’t believe you expect to be punished by his behaviour for having a nap!

How is he generally? Does he help out with the kids at all? Does he usually treat you with disrespect/apathy?

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 07:34

How does he respond when you tell him calmly and clearly what you need, OP?

LadyPenelope68 · 31/12/2020 07:36

@OneNapForMeNoNapForYou
Why are you staying with this man, let alone having another baby with him?

Minky37 · 31/12/2020 07:36

I’m afraid that I don’t have anything helpful to say really.
Just sympathy and it’s really crap that he woke you up then buggered off into the garden leaving the toddler into the kitchen. Maybe you could ask why he thought it was acceptable to do this?
Can you make a point and stay in bed all morning as you feel crappy now as you couldn’t rest properly yesterday?

micc · 31/12/2020 07:40

Oh OP, is leaving something you want to do? It doesnt appear he is bringing you any happiness?
People have arguments and people get petty I understand. But he seems to be acting like a child, and treating you like an annoying sibling.
I'd be fuming if my OH did that. Naps are a mutual thing with kids!! Take turns! Epically being pregnant oh my God!! And having a headache, I bet when he feels slightly under the weather hes on deaths door right? Spending all day in bed? It's not like your growing another human or anything.

BrightonForWine · 31/12/2020 07:42

Maybe they can come watch it while I nap.

It? Are you talking about the baby you breast feed?

HelloitsmeMargaret · 31/12/2020 07:44

@BrightonForWine. Don't. Just don't.

Oreservoir · 31/12/2020 07:45

Do what my dm did OP. When your dh is having a nap, if it's cold open all the windows in the bedroom.
Seriously though either he needs to step up or you need an exit plan.

ivfbeenbusy · 31/12/2020 07:47

I feel for you OP I really do. I worked from home with a 4 year old and pregnant with twins - DH would get home from work and then spend 2 hours in the bath/napping. Weekends the same

NYNY211 · 31/12/2020 07:49

@StiffyByng1

I don’t understand why you would have a third child with him :(
That’s what I thought too. Why have a 3rd in the first place.
CaptainSandy · 31/12/2020 07:50

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 07:50

@Swearlikemalcolmtucker

This really upsets me on your behalf OP. When I was pregnant, DH would tell me off if I wasn’t resting enough or would try to track down food I fancied eating while feeling sick. Just this morning he’s sent me back to bed as I was up all night with DS, despite the fact he’s knackered from doing all the earlies this week for the same reason. I’m not saying this to make you feel worse but because surely this is what it should be like! He should be part of the team, they’re his kids too and he should want to support you and look after you when you need it. I can’t believe you expect to be punished by his behaviour for having a nap!

How is he generally? Does he help out with the kids at all? Does he usually treat you with disrespect/apathy?

Just keeps sabotaging any time I ever get to myself.
OP posts:
PearlescentIridescent · 31/12/2020 07:51

It's not helpful but I just wanted to chime in on how helpful my partner is with our 3 DC (we also had an unplanned third born in January). His behaviour is not normal.

I wouldn't go the tit for tat route as tempting as it is though. Your relationship needs more empathy not less. Obviously most of that needs to come from him but I genuinely believe if you both aren't going to look after each other it would be less stressful to end it.

I would be asking outright why he feels so hard done by when you need rest or help. You assume it's because he thinks you are lazy but I think it would help to have the actual conversation and pick it apart with him.

It sounds like you have very small age gaps and that is trying to even the best relationships. I do actually hope it works out for both of you, and that you can work through this together. But I think it will take some candid talks and schedules to help make the behaviour shift to a different routine.

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