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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

712 replies

veganmegan · 30/12/2020 21:51

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" Hmm saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

OP posts:
FluentlyExasperatedMadam · 30/12/2020 21:58

A month after my 16th birthday I became pregnant with my son. I'm now 33 and he is a lovely 16yr old young man who I'm proud to say is my son ❤

Nohomemadecandles · 30/12/2020 22:00

They sound really quite horrible.

It probably isn't always top of people's wish lists for their kids but she's every chance of making a good fist of it same as anyone else of any age.

You'll always get judgmental arseholes. My DS has a friend whose parents had him at 17. They are still together, three lovely children now, eldest 9. Own their own home, both have great jobs, live in a very "middle claaas" road. They made it work. They are brilliant parents.

Keep supporting her and she'll be fine!

Ginfordinner · 30/12/2020 22:01

That's awful behaviour. What a shitty thing to do. I hope your sister is OK.

I don't think being a parent at 17 is ideal, but it is what it is. I hope she gets the support she needs.

Nohomemadecandles · 30/12/2020 22:01

@FluentlyExasperatedMadam that's lovely!

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:02

Exactly @FluentlyExasperatedMadam and good for you 🧡
I already know my DSis will be exactly the same, all he does is poo and she's so proud Grin x

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 30/12/2020 22:04

My 18 year old had her little boy just over 2 years ago when she was 16.

Early pictures of them show her, still in braces, with a baby face looking like a little girl playing with a doll.

She lived with us for the first year, and I’ll give her the credit she deserves her son is a gorgeous, healthy and happy little boy. She’s a wonderful mother.

It was a shock lol, but she works, rents her own place. Saves hard for things she wants. The braces are gone now, and the baby face looks a little more tired but she is doing a fantastic job.

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:04

That's awful behaviour. What a shitty thing to do. I hope your sister is OK

She was pretty shaken up by it, but I gave her a cuddle and essentially said "anyone who thinks this of you doesn't know you (or have two braincells to rub together)". Fortunately this pregnancy and baby has been very much wanted by our whole family especially my DSis, but if she were struggling with motherhood I think stupid messages like those could really do her some harm.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 30/12/2020 22:06

It’s not what I’d want for DD, but having a child young doesn’t make you a slag! That’s an awful thing to call her. What a nasty bunch they are.

gingerbreadfox · 30/12/2020 22:06

I used to think teenage parents were irresponsible.
Now I'm in my 30s and know women who are single and worried they are running out of time for babies, so being reckless e.g intentionally having one night stands to get pregnant.

Now I do not judge teenage parents at all!

Ohhgreat · 30/12/2020 22:09

Been there!
The stereotype is a teen mum who sits on benefits for life popping kids out to avoid working. But it's rather satisfying to prove everyone wrong!

HibernatingTill2030 · 30/12/2020 22:09

They sound awful.
Obviously, it's not ideal to be a teenage mother (or father, lets not forget it takes two..) but it's hardly the end of the world. Plenty of "success stories".

All that matters is her and her baby, and sounds like she has a lovely supportive family to help her, so she'll be fine :)

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:09

Can I ask what you mean by "wouldn't want", @edwinbear?

Don't worry, not going to jump on you Grin I just wonder if you mean in the context of "I'd prefer it if it didn't happen" or "I wouldn't support my DD if she got pregnant"?

There needs to be a ton of support and help for teenagers who are sexually active irrespective of pregnancy, but I also think there needs to be support for teenagers who do end up getting pregnant (and not just moral judgement). It's a hard situation for everyone, but it's most hard for the teen and added stigmatization doesn't help.

(not saying you're doing that, just saying!)

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 30/12/2020 22:09

I know a woman who had her first at thirteen. She's living the dream now. Loaded, intelligent, happy, good looking the lot.

christmasathomeagain · 30/12/2020 22:10

That is absolutely awful, but, no it's not 'ok' to be a mum at 17 and I wouldn't want this for my dd.

Of course your sister shouldn't be treated this way and if my dd got herself in this position I would support her decision to keep the child but no, its not ok.

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:11

Why is it not OK, @christmasathomeagain? Can you elaborate?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 30/12/2020 22:11

That's awful - the last thing any new mother needs is such unkindness especially from peers. I would have to hold myself back from messaging them!

Congratulations am becoming an aunt! Your sister is lucky to have you. I hope she goes in to live a more fulfilled life than her vile acquaintances.

Sarahandduck18 · 30/12/2020 22:11

This kind of ‘sl*t shaming’ is what happens in a porn culture where incels are rife online and extreme gender conformity has become trendy.

I wish all the best for your DSIS and DN

Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 22:13

Of course people wouldn’t want it for their own children? That’s normal. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be a teen mum.

In saying that my sister had a baby at 16 and she’s done ok for herself, she’s not had any more either. It put her off kids!

Isadora2007 · 30/12/2020 22:14

It’s not ideal. And I say that as a former teen mum myself and a mother of a former teen mum too. Although I married young and we paid our own way- we required help financially from my parents to ensure we didn’t live in council accommodation in “undesirable” locations... and were lucky to be able to do so. My dd relies on UC to privately rent a lovely wee flat but we are well aware she is fortunate to be able to live well via benefits and she tries hard to not waste money or be extravagant etc.
It’s bloody tough being a teen mum and I do think that if you’re a good mum you can and do miss out on quite a lot of youthful experiences as you’re never going to be able to be carefree and selfish! I’ve taken til my 40s to be able to have the career of my dreams as raising my children had to take precedent.

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:15

I would have to hold myself back from messaging them!

I was actually thinking about it, but I realised it would just cause more issues for DSis and she doesn't need that at this time. Bloody tricky though, I just want to knock their heads together and have a bit of a footstomp and shout.

Thank you for the wishes though! I like to think I'm a cool aunt 😎

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 30/12/2020 22:17

It's not in most circumstances ideal. And it's not what I'd want for a DD of mine, no. That doesn't make what has been said to your DSis remotely okay. But I think you're being pretty disingenuous by asking "but why would you not want it?!" Well, for all the well known and well documented reasons that both mother and baby are likely to be materially worse off than if the baby had come along later. Greater poverty. Poorer health. Much less chance of being born into a stable long-term relationship. Much greater obstacles in attaining tertiary education and a wellpaying job, unless the teen girl in question has very strong financial AND practical support, which most don't. All the many evidence-based reasons that make discouraging unplanned teenage pregnancy government policy and action in virtually every Western nation.

Your DSis's baby is already here and she's happy. That's great. I hope she and baby go on to do everything they desire. But very few parents are going to be actively happy about or actively encourage a teen pregnancy.

jumperweather · 30/12/2020 22:17

I think i probably wouldn't like it because I'd be worried that she'd only have us and not the father of the child. Is he around by the way?

I just think it's rare for relationships that young to last as things change so much. And I'd be worried about her future.

I'd support but I would be disappointed.

MirandaWestsNewBFF · 30/12/2020 22:17

Being a mum is hard at any age but stigmatising teen mums is disgraceful and I’m sorry that your sister had the experience of being treated so badly.

Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 22:18

@christmasathomeagain

That is absolutely awful, but, no it's not 'ok' to be a mum at 17 and I wouldn't want this for my dd.

Of course your sister shouldn't be treated this way and if my dd got herself in this position I would support her decision to keep the child but no, its not ok.

Exactly this. The things they said were absolutely abhorrent, but i can't deny that Id be heartbroken if my DD was a teen parent.
Holyjinglebells · 30/12/2020 22:18

A baby coming into the world is never a bad thing, especially when it has a loving family, which it sounds like this baby has. I had a very misspent youth and didn't have my child until I was 37....my friends who had their babies early have had much more stable lives. The behaviour of your sister's so called friends is disgusting and I actually can't comprehend it. Best wishes to you and your family, your sister has a fabulous life ahead of her with her little baby. I wouldn't give these trolls another thought. Happy 2021 xx