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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

712 replies

veganmegan · 30/12/2020 21:51

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" Hmm saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/12/2020 22:18

It's not ideal - but a friend of mine had two by the time she was eighteen - she had split up with the father now, but they were together until the girls were in their twenties.

Inpersuitofhappiness · 30/12/2020 22:18

Let me start by saying I had DD when I was 17, 6 weeks after my birthday.
I remember being told that I would never have a life, that it was disgusting and child abuse to being a child into the world. They'd be a little tramp. I was nothing but a baby factory, a slag. I'd die living in a council estate, I'd have 6 kids by 6 different men. I'd funked up not only my, but my child's life up before it had ever begun.

Now, let me just tell you something. At 30 I work in Upper management, I pick and choose which jobs I take. I am sought out and well paid for what I do. Through the covid crisis I have been lucky enough to rely on savings to get us through with no real lifestyle change. I haven't had to weigh up the risks. I've just decided I wouldn't put me or my family at any additional risk and I'd live off savings for a while.

My life is 100 miles from where I thought I'd ever be. I went on to get married to a lovely man. I have a lovely home, most things I want I can have. My kids life is better than most adults I know.

The people who said those things to me,
Well, one works at burger King, another still lives at home with his mum, another actually does live on a council estate, and despite not having children, they have amassed half of the life I have.
I've a better job, a better home, a better car, a better life.

Tell her not to worry. Even if it was all true, atleasr she's not nasty like they are.

Having a child young doesn't necessarily mean life is going to be bad, it'll just be tougher to build a career etc, but kids are bloody amazing.

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:19

Of course people wouldn’t want it for their own children? That’s normal. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be a teen mum.

I'll clarify my OP, most people don't want their children to become teen parents as it's usually a more precarious situation for parents and babies. I was trying to ask "do you instil in your kids that young parents are bad / immoral etc" as I want to know where this thinking stems from. I think that's a different point IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:21

I think i probably wouldn't like it because I'd be worried that she'd only have us and not the father of the child. Is he around by the way?

Very much so, yes!

OP posts:
Coffeehunter · 30/12/2020 22:21

@christmasathomeagain i had my first at 17 what makes it not ok?

NYNY211 · 30/12/2020 22:21

Are you sure these teens are middle class? Commenting openly on SM like that? Your sister needs to have a clear out.

MorrisZapp · 30/12/2020 22:21

Well obviously calling anyone a 'slag' for any reason is beyond the pale.

But most people don't want their kids to become parents at age 17, that is ok and normal. If the situation comes up you hope any parent would be supportive, but I'd be heartbroken if I was that parent.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 30/12/2020 22:21

I think being a mum is really tough and I would prefer my kids to have children later because I don’t think it would be easy at all.

However anyone who abuses a new mum of any age on fb has lost any credence with me. Disgusting behaviour.

So YABU to say being a teen mum is totally fine, it’s pretty darn hard Id imagine. I found it hard a decade older!

YANBU that is a horrible, unacceptable thing to abuse teen mums. Anyone with any character would be wishing them well and helping if they could.

mangoandraspberries · 30/12/2020 22:22

Similar to what’s already been said imo - not what I would want for my DD personally, but no excuse for how she has been treated that sounds horrible. Tell her to ignore them and continue as she is - sounds like she is doing a great job.

Stellaroses · 30/12/2020 22:22

Firstly, of course that’s awful that people have said that to your sister, not acceptable at all.
It’s definitely not ideal, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. I know some people who were teen mums and they’re great mums, but life has been harder for them than, say as an example, me. I have had years of freedom, travel, disposable income, no responsibility, working out who I am am and what I want out of life, what kind of parent I’d like to be, where I want to live...that’s before you start thinking about further education, which isn’t impossible, but SO much harder with a child reliant on you.
But yeah, it’s not what I would have wanted, nor would I want it for DD or anyone I cared about. If someone in my family fell pregnant at 17 I would of course be supportive, but I would be really sad for them.

moolady1977 · 30/12/2020 22:22

My younger sister got pregnant at 16 had her son at 17 she married the babies dad and they are still together now and my sister is nearly 42 .
My DD has only days ago given birth to a much wanted baby she is nearly 19 ,I do think to stigmatise young mum's is disgusting and always said to my DD the same as was said to me and my sister's "there are worse things than becoming a teen mum "

elliejjtiny · 30/12/2020 22:22

Yanbu, congratulations on your new nephew. Your sister sounds like she is doing really well and she is better off without those "friends".

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:22

Are you sure these teens are middle class? Commenting openly on SM like that? Your sister needs to have a clear out.

She posted the birth announcement on social media but she was PMed (so it wouldn't show up on timelines or publicly!).

OP posts:
2020iscancelled · 30/12/2020 22:22

Using the word slag to anyone is disgusting and unnecessary and to be honest in 2020 it’s ridiculous to even hear this word.

Is it OK to be a teenage mum? Well it’s a weird question isn’t it? It’s not for anyone to have an opinion on a woman’s pregnancy- regardless of her age (assuming over age of consent), it’s really only down to Your Dsis to feel that it is OK for her. It’s no one else’s business and no one should be having an opinion to be honest.

I think the reason why some wouldn’t choose this for their own daughter is that it must be an incredibly difficult path to tread. Motherhood is so so hard that having some life experience, resilience and emotional maturity would be preferable and no matter how mature they may appear, most teenagers don’t have that. Also, having a child massively limits your freedom and ability to work, study and drive your career - that’s not to say some teen mums won’t achieve amazing things, but lots will be held back by having a baby so young.

You sound lovely and very supportive - I’m sure your DSis will be a great mum!

Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 22:22

Well I will be telling my daughter to not have a baby unless she is married.

catinb00tz · 30/12/2020 22:23

Why wouldn't it be?

Tellmelies65 · 30/12/2020 22:23

One of my nieces has just become a mum at 17. While I don’t think it’s ideal as she’s not even finished her education. The baby is loved and well looked after. Being a teen mother certainly doesn’t mean a bad one.

PinkiOcelot · 30/12/2020 22:23

As someone said above, it certainly isn’t what I’d want for my dds. In fact I’d be absolutely devastated tbh. It certainly doesn’t make your sister, or anyone else who has a baby young, a slag.
However, it does say a lot about the horrible people sending her nasty messages.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/12/2020 22:24

Her (ex, I hope) friends sound awful and their treatment of her is atrocious. But teen pregnancy isn’t “okay”. While teen mums need support not condemnation, normalising teen pregnancy in our culture is a bad idea.

www.nuffieldtrust.org.uk/resource/teenage-pregnancy#background

HibernatingTill2030 · 30/12/2020 22:24

@veganmegan

Why is it not OK, *@christmasathomeagain*? Can you elaborate?
I'm not that poster, but I will try to put my feelings into words. Like I said upthread, I don't think it's the end of the world to have a baby young, but I also don't think many parents would be delighted to find out their daughter is pregnant at such a young age, while still legally a minor and the vast majority of 17 year olds not able to support themselves and a baby financially. I think- and I think most people would agree- that it's better to be financially stable and in a committed relationship and, frankly, with a bit more life experience before you have children. (not saying this applies to your sister- I don't know her circumstances and I am not judging her specifically, just talking generally)

Now, none of this means it's "bad" that people sometimes have babies younger. Many, if not most, young mothers manage really well, and obviously some older mothers struggle too.

I don't really know what my point is. I just think it's not ideal, like I said. But not terrible or anything. I think, at 17 it limits a lot of choices- further education/career choice/travel etc. Of course you can do them later, but it's much easier to do at 18 than in your 30s.

Like I said, not the end of the world, but most people wouldn't jump for joy at finding out their daughter is pregnant at 16 or 17.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 30/12/2020 22:24

I was a teen mum. My baby was very much wanted (although unplanned) and I consider myself a good parent. I was very lucky to have good family support. But it is the hard way to go about having a family. I wouldn’t want it for my DCs (boys) or the girls they would impregnate. There’s so much life and opportunity you miss out on. It affects the path of your entire life. It’s limiting in a way that it isn’t when you are older, with an established job/career, a secure home and a financial cushion.

That being said, it’s certainly not the worst situation a teen can find themselves in and with good family support to finish education and work it can be a happy story.

Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 22:24

@veganmegan

Of course people wouldn’t want it for their own children? That’s normal. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be a teen mum.

I'll clarify my OP, most people don't want their children to become teen parents as it's usually a more precarious situation for parents and babies. I was trying to ask "do you instil in your kids that young parents are bad / immoral etc" as I want to know where this thinking stems from. I think that's a different point IMO.

It was instilled in me that teen parents have much harder lives and their children poorer outcomes than those who waited for maturity and security. Which is born out by the statistics.

I have to say, i do think teen mothers are often very naive, and i do often pity them and their children their likely lost chances potentially wasted potential. I don't think they are bad or immoral, but i do think they are often irresponsible, as teenagers generally are.

SupermarketStress · 30/12/2020 22:25

@Isadora2007

It’s not ideal. And I say that as a former teen mum myself and a mother of a former teen mum too. Although I married young and we paid our own way- we required help financially from my parents to ensure we didn’t live in council accommodation in “undesirable” locations... and were lucky to be able to do so. My dd relies on UC to privately rent a lovely wee flat but we are well aware she is fortunate to be able to live well via benefits and she tries hard to not waste money or be extravagant etc. It’s bloody tough being a teen mum and I do think that if you’re a good mum you can and do miss out on quite a lot of youthful experiences as you’re never going to be able to be carefree and selfish! I’ve taken til my 40s to be able to have the career of my dreams as raising my children had to take precedent.
Well isn’t that just fine and dandy that we are funding all this via UC.
Rirey · 30/12/2020 22:25

I had my eldest at 16 and although I wouldnt change it for the world I wouldnt want her to be a teen mum. I had the comments from people my age that didn't bother me it was the nasty comments in the street from strangers and the comments when she started school about how young I was and the other parents making snide comments and the teachers judging me from first sight. I had to grow a very thick skin very quickly. Things turned out well for me im in an amazing job now and I have a supportive partner but it hasn't been without its problems. It was always 2 steps forward and 4 steps back for years.

MsPeachh · 30/12/2020 22:26

It’s certainly not the path I took (nearly 30 and no kids yet!) but honestly I don’t judge anyone in that position at all. I knew a few girls at school and being a mum was all they wanted in life and I think that’s perfectly ok.

I think the stigma comes from the assumption that these girls don’t have much financial security at such a young age and that ultimately ties in to stigma about “benefits scroungers”. Of course, just because you are young doesn’t mean that is necessarily the case (dad and grandparents might be supporting financially etc) and it is wrong to make these assumptions.