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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

712 replies

veganmegan · 30/12/2020 21:51

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" Hmm saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

OP posts:
YouBoughtMeAWall · 30/12/2020 22:27

And there is also the burden that it places on the mother’s family. Personally I wouldn’t want to have to go back to looking after a baby but if my son was to become a father I would do that for him so that he and his partner could stay in school and stand a better chance of becoming a stable family. I wouldn’t just leave them to it but it’s not how I’d prefer to spend my time once I’ve finished my own child rearing.

D4rwin · 30/12/2020 22:28

Hugely outing. A family member had her first at 17. She had similar comments about how they thought she was clever enough to use contraception, that she was a whore, thick etc, various insults about the dad etc.

It actually hit her hard. I'm sure it exacerbated her pnd very badly as friends turned out to be judgemental or just disappeared.

On the flipside she started a career later than some, she took A levels and tgen did a degree and then various accounting qualifications alongside part time work then jumped into a respectable civil service career for many years. She has retired now. She is still married to the father of her two children (second one a year later!).

She was/ is quite anti abortion so that's why she stuck her course, she's a very opinionated sort of person, not likely to change her mind etc.

She might not recommend her approach for everyone BUT she definitely advocates for more support for teen mum's so they can continue their education. It infuriates her that society is so keen to totally waste the potential of these women, after all- they've got children sorted, and potentially years of working ahead of them - and she enjoyed her 40's onwards being totally child free - great for committing to work and socialising. She certainly impressed upon her own children the risks of contraception though. No accidents there. She clearly didn't want to be a gran at 47 (but it wasn't as though her child was starting young).

TipsieM · 30/12/2020 22:28

It's ok in the sense that teen mums (and dads) deserve respect, support and that teen pregnancy obviously isn't the end of the world. And many teen parents do indeed make the best of a suboptimal situation. So yes, I suppose it's "ok".

But it's in no way desirable (imo). I wouldn't want it for my DC! And I wouldn't have wanted it for myself.

But these kinds of messages are obviously horrible.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/12/2020 22:29

Not nice to use that language at all so I’d block them.

I’m with other posters though and I’d be devastated if mine decided that path in their teens. At that age, the chance of the relationship lasting is slim. Not to mention having little life experience, no career or job, limited or no savings and unlikely no own home.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 30/12/2020 22:29

This reply has been deleted

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willstarttomorrow · 30/12/2020 22:29

Well that is when our bodies our meant to have babies! The world is now full of women who have had babies at lots of ages in different decades. I was really old because apparently I was infertile but she appeared!
I am assuming you and the rest of your family are happy and loving the joy a new baby brings. If this is what your sister wants then when she is ready, support her when she is ready to take on the world. In my experience the most motivated people I have come encountered are very young parents wanting the best for their family.

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:30

I'm curious to know if opinions change based on marriage or other security? E.g. if someone gets married at 18 and has a child the same year is that less naive / "disappointing" than an unwed parent? Does a planned vs accidental pregnancy change anyone's viewpoint, or is it all down to age?

OP posts:
HibernatingTill2030 · 30/12/2020 22:31

@veganmegan

Of course people wouldn’t want it for their own children? That’s normal. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be a teen mum.

I'll clarify my OP, most people don't want their children to become teen parents as it's usually a more precarious situation for parents and babies. I was trying to ask "do you instil in your kids that young parents are bad / immoral etc" as I want to know where this thinking stems from. I think that's a different point IMO.

Oh thats a different question and now I think I get where you are coming from. I would be beyond disappointed if my children had been sending such messages and God help them if they were and I found out.
lubeybooby · 30/12/2020 22:32

teen motherhood worked out well for me and dd. I was 16. I did a pretty good job really. Just always put them first, be thoughtful etc.. I was never bothered about travel or partying. I completed a load of distance learning instead of regular education and have now had my own business for 15 years, am mortgage free and feel pretty good about all that. I've never understood anyone telling a teen their life will be over. It's just more complicated for a while and not about you but it's rewarding in other ways

She's now 24 and doing great

...and now I could do the travel and partying (if not for covid and if I was arsed about it, still not really) and still feel pretty young at 40

if I woke up tomorrow back in 1996 and pregnant with hindsight, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat

I was very confident in my ability to do it though and was very maternal, I'd never push anyone to go for it if they weren't sure, but if they are determined and want motherhood it doesn't have to be a bad thing

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:32

And by "OK" I don't mean "advisable or necessarily enjoyable", but I mean "deserving of respect and autonomy, as you would give any other mum". I'm not advocating for teen pregnancy, I'm just also not advocating for the vilification of teen mums (I'd say teen parents but it's mostly teen mums from what I see).

OP posts:
Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:33

Oh and thank you to everyone sharing their experiences! It's lovely to read and I may even pass on a few anecdotes to my DSis for a bit of reassurance. x

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 22:34

@veganmegan

I'm curious to know if opinions change based on marriage or other security? E.g. if someone gets married at 18 and has a child the same year is that less naive / "disappointing" than an unwed parent? Does a planned vs accidental pregnancy change anyone's viewpoint, or is it all down to age?
I would tend to view an 18yr old getting married as even more naive than one having a baby. You can have a baby by accident if you're not careful but marriage is deliberate, and at 18 with minimal knowledge of the real world it would be most of the time a huge mistake.

I would also generally assume 18yr olds getting married and having babies to be devoutly religious. And horny. And i would consider that to be fucking woefully naive.

Nohomemadecandles · 30/12/2020 22:35

@SupermarketStress Really? That's helpful. Maybe she'll go on to pay more tax than you ever have. Maybe she won't. It's what it's there for. Now, step away from the Daily Mail and turn off Channel 5

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 30/12/2020 22:36

supermarketstress
Well isn’t that just fine and dandy that we are funding all this via UC.

Odfod

MorrisZapp · 30/12/2020 22:37

Nobody here is going to vilify teenage parents. I hope nobody I know ever would.

I will teach my son the consequences of early parenthood without degrading or belittling women with outdated slurs and judgements.

wingingit987 · 30/12/2020 22:37

Not ideal but if your sister wanted the baby that's no one else's business and really people should just be supportive.

Would I like my 17 year old to have a baby. No. But doesn't mean your life is over. She sounds like she has a great support network sometimes these things happen and it brings you together.

Indecisive12 · 30/12/2020 22:37

I work with new Mums and honestly the teenage Mums I meet are all amazing, they soak up information I give them and I see the effort they put in with their babies and I am in awe of them. Unfortunately there are issues around loneliness as their former friends lose interest and so their support network crashes down around them. This is the only negative I see of teenage parents which is absolutely nothing to do with the parents themselves and makes me very sad to see. I wish the teenage parents I see knew just how amazing they are (I do tell them in a hopefully non-patronising way).

Thewithesarehere · 30/12/2020 22:38

@veganmegan

Why is it not OK, *@christmasathomeagain*? Can you elaborate?
Female reproductive system can still be going through major changes so close to puberty and this is a danger in itself. Regardless of that, I refuse to believe that a child at 17 is ready to raise a child herself. She will need a lot of support and will most likely will have to live with family for a while. No way I will accept this scenario for my DC. I will support them if it was a mistake. But otherwise no.

The bullying is abhorrent and is a completely different issue.

Grilledaubergines · 30/12/2020 22:38

@Givemeabreak88

Well I will be telling my daughter to not have a baby unless she is married.
Grin Brilliant!
HibernatingTill2030 · 30/12/2020 22:38

@veganmegan

I'm curious to know if opinions change based on marriage or other security? E.g. if someone gets married at 18 and has a child the same year is that less naive / "disappointing" than an unwed parent? Does a planned vs accidental pregnancy change anyone's viewpoint, or is it all down to age?
I honestly don't know. I myself would have been too immature at 18 to have a child... although perhaps the responsibility would have made me grow up faster! I would think they were very young to be married and "tied down" to a baby, though. (although that's not my business!)

I would, perhaps judgementally, assume most pregnancies at that age are unplanned. But that's not my business either.

CattyP89 · 30/12/2020 22:38

I’m glad you got her to block them. Age doesn’t determine what parent you will be. It works both ways though. My parent is a lot older than me so when we had our first baby I was 30 he was 46 he was told he was too old!

Original poster
veganmegan · 30/12/2020 22:38

I would also generally assume 18yr olds getting married and having babies to be devoutly religious. And horny. And i would consider that to be fucking woefully naive.

I'm also biased as my folks got married at 16 and 19, and with the exception of me (in some cases) we are early bloomers in my family. They weren't devoutly religious, they had me and my DSis pretty young and I guess I see it as finding the right person and making it work even if it's hard.

One of my friends got married when we were just out of secondary school which I found a bit shocking at the time, but actually looking back on it they're still together and I think they made the right choice. These are just personal anecdotes, again not arguing for the mass marriage or pregnancy of teenagers (yikes) but I don't think you can shoehorn everyone into the same box based on when they decide to do things.

I'm of the volition of "It's fine if you don't want this specific lifestyle for your child, but you need to be prepared in case it's the lifestyle that happens" if that makes sense. Not pushing anyone into anything, just showing respect.

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 30/12/2020 22:39

I would tend to view an 18yr old getting married as even more naive than one having a baby. You can have a baby by accident if you're not careful but marriage is deliberate, and at 18 with minimal knowledge of the real world it would be most of the time a huge mistake.

I would also generally assume 18yr olds getting married and having babies to be devoutly religious. And horny. And i would consider that to be fucking woefully naive.

^this. I'd want a DC of mine to want more from life than being married and pregnant at 18, and I'd know the stats about how likely said marriage was to last (spoiler: not very).

However, I would also 100% want to raise my DC of both sexes to be kind, and I'd be furious (and questioning my parenting) if I found they had sent messages like those your DSis received.

ShrekandDonkey · 30/12/2020 22:39

I had my DD at 17. And whilst on paper you could say I've done very well for myself (own house, well paid job etc) it was much harder to do with a child in tow. I wouldn't want it for my now 16 year old DD that's for sure.

HibernatingTill2030 · 30/12/2020 22:40

As a final point, which you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to- has anything been said to the baby father? Why is it always the mother who gets called all the names under the sun when there were two parties involved in this? It was always thus...