To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

As a daughter of a young mum, it’s hard, my parents in my younger years had very little money (hate to say it but little understanding of finances either) my early years we lived in an rough council estate in a small flat but they worked bloody hard and eventually moved to a nicer council area and was able to buy our home. I was very loved by the whole family and close to my aunts and Grandma - quite a special relationship.
I chose not to follow that path of being a young mum because I saw first hand how hard it was for them even though they had a supportive family. If my now 17 year old fell pregnant off course I would support her and love any grandchild but would worry so much for the opportunities that could be missed.

of course its OK. People who judge teenage parents are horrible. Biologically its a lot more ok that having a baby later on but noone ever makes that point it seems.

Your sister has done right to cut them off. Good luck to her. Horrible idiots.

It’s so hateful, angry and misogynistic- where so you think it comes from

Honestly? Most of them I don't know that well, but I met one of them's dad at a family & friends BBQ a few years back and he was the most bigoted man I've ever met. Like loud-mouthedly racist and homophobic. I'd be surprised if that didn't rub off on a kid if I'm honest.

But for the rest of them, I have no idea. Probably the whole thing about women being "sluts and whores" is normalised which maybe thinks slagging off teen mums is acceptable. I guess there's also just an element of not knowing any better, and saying things because everyone else is saying them. Also probably because they don't like my sister anymore and they know that this will get to her, I think it's a lot of factors.

I would be mortified if my 16 year old dd got pregnant

Why would you be mortified? I can understand worried / concerned for her future, but mortified suggests some level of embarrassment I think.

It's not what I would want for my daughters but I would of course support them however I could, bar looking after the baby and paying for it tbh. There are young mums that manage it all but many that don't and it doesn't work out well.

I say this as someone who had a termination at 17 for that reason and I don't regret it it for a second.

And obviously it goes without saying that the abuse she has endured is appalling and she should cut them off. She has nothing to be ashamed of.

Hmm. I was 19 when pregnant and 20 when I had my dd. Whose 11. I was at uni and stayed at uni and have a band 6 NHS job now. I did have maternity leave (9 months) she should not stop gonna college though. Other wise she will be a council estate parent. Dont play into the stats. There is nothing wrong with your sister and she needs to ignore the haters xx

My nephew had his first baby just before his 19th birthday (and then a 2nd 18months later)

2.5 years on, they rent a little house and are married, he works full time (when covid restrictions allow) and have a lot of support from my sister and BIL.

Not ideal at the start, but they are a wonderful little family.

I was a teenage mum.

I've never claimed benefits, I'm still with my dp,I was a homeowner by the time I was 19 and at 38 owned my home outright. Both my DC are disabled and we've been devoted to them from day one with no outside help. For me being a teen mum worked out well, I had the energy and could get by on zero sleep. I'd really struggle with what we faced back then.

I've not really had.any judgement other than a lady I was in hospital with recently who made a horrible comment about teenage mums. Ironically she'd been on benefits for.30 plus years, she has a disability that's exacerbated by her obesity (( type two diabetic )) and has been on hospital for 9 months whilst they try and.save her foot. And yet she still binges on the food her sister brings for her. I didn't judge her, but i.was taken aback to be judged by someone who refused to at least try and help herself and will have cost the state millions.

That's really lovely @TheGreatWave, congratulations to your nephew. Sounds like a very sweet family

And @Christmasfairy2020, well done for you for beating those stereotypes. It's no small feat, I'll give you that!

Being a daughter of a young mum I would say I would be absolutely devastated if my own daughter became a young mum. Whilst my mum worked hard and achieved a lot, it was way harder then it had to be.

No one I know had babies as a teen. It’s just not the done thing. I’m sure someone in my high school must have had an accident at some point but it would have been discreetly handled by the family and no one knew.

Oh the judgement. OP, I did everything ‘right’ - degree, Masters, travelled, lived abroad, worked and was financially independent in my early 30s when I met my ex. None of that protected me from his abuse, leaving me a single mum on benefits at the age of 40. Now granted, my education gave me a springboard to retrain from but now in my 50s, I am struggling to put any kind of a pension together and am utterly exhausted. At least my life would have been my own by now if I’d been a teen mum.

Life is what we make it. I hope your sister is able to pick herself up and move on for those awful girls who undoubtedly will remember their words at a point of sadness and difficulty in their own lives. Because shit happens to all of us sooner or later. She should hold her head high and walk on by.

I would screen shot it and send it to their parents on fb! Arseholes!
I had my daughter at 19 and what she is going through was honestly a nightmare of mine. It makes me so angry. How can you call someone who got pregnant a slag? For all you know they have had sex once!
I hope your sister is ok. Those girls will get what's coming to them. Honestly, who raised them?

2 things: hypocritical to say its "bad" to be a teen mum if you have sex at that age (birth control can go wrong), it's a valid choice
and
her "friends" are also very young and immature

Very sorry to hear how shit things have been, @Isthatitnow, I hope things are a little brighter around the corner. Guess it just shows there's no real magic cure to avoid difficulty. I do say that quite flippantly, but genuinely best of luck to you and thank you for sharing that 🧡

I can't believe Facebook friends would post such comments. One of my friends had a baby at 16, another at 15. At the time, as silly teenagers it was fairly exciting for us.
I think it's probably easier if you come from a well off or middle class family. My family were very poor and could hardly support themselves never mind me and a baby. I worked full time from the age of 16 but wouldn't have been able to support a child.
I have 3 daughters now and financially I would help them if they had been/became teen mums but I wouldn't be happy about it as I'd feel they'd miss out on so much.

Bullying is awful and never acceptable. However, I don’t think it’s ideal to be a teen mum. I’m in my early 20s and I haven’t had a baby yet (I want one and doing my research) because I don’t have a stable income. A good job will enable me to put down a deposit for a house and buy baby things. I graduated with a post grad and I’m currently working. Babies are expensive and it’s not fair to make my parents provide for my child.

I’m in a long term relationship and I did well at school and university. I managed to do fun things without the responsibilities of raising a child. We need to do more about encouraging teens to use contraception properly. We need to explain to them about how demanding childbirth and raising a child is.

At 17, very few women are living completely independently.

When I was 17, I’d have needed a lot more support to bring up a child than I would’ve at 27 or 37. Neither would I have had the ability to take some bits of advice but smile, nod, and ignore other bits. I don’t think that’s great for anyone involved. But neither do I think it’s anyone else’s business.

I’m not into the idea of having to pop your 2.4 children out within the socially-accepted timeframe allowed: you can have a baby at 17 or 47 and it’s not up to anyone else to approve or disapprove. Her “friends” are awful to make those comments (although they’re parroting their own appallingly obnoxious parents and don’t realise how vulnerable new mums are).

i had my eldest at 15. i was bullied by the ‘mean girls’ at my school who would send me messages calling me a slag and ‘pramface.’ despite having my son and basically teaching myself i got some of the best gcse results in our year and went on to uni and qualified as a teacher. still with the same man with our own house and four kids now. most of the girls bullying me went on themselves to have babies within a couple of years of leaving school (and now try to add me on facebook so they can try to sell me wax melts 🙄)

How can you call someone who got pregnant a slag? For all you know they have had sex once!

Not to mention the teen girls who didn't even make the choice to have sex, yet they're probably labelled a slag too.

I got pregnant at 19. It was hard but we made it work. I was able to finish uni and build a career. I did come across people who were incredibly rude, especially as I looked very young. She must ignore the bastards. For my part, it fueled my drive to make something of myself.

I wouldn’t call her a slag- that’s just way off the cards!

The stereotypes arose from young women purposely getting pregnant to get a council place. If you was homeless you wouldn’t be given a place, if you was pregnant however, you got given a council flat/house. I physically know people who just got pregnant to get a house. Back then councils were not full to the brim like they are now. That’s where the stereotype comes from, the link between being young and getting into a council estate. Obviously that’s not the case nowadays but the stereotype stuck.

Unfortunately teenage mums don’t get the help they once did- like a council house for instance, plus benefits are way lower, so whilst your sister may be doing ok now, she will experience a harder time further in life as kids cost money and getting a career when you are a young mum is impossible unless you have solid and regular childcare that’s free for a good 8 years.

most of the girls bullying me went on themselves to have babies within a couple of years of leaving school (and now try to add me on facebook so they can try to sell me wax melts 🙄)

Fuck sake . Sorry the behaviour you experienced is genuinely horrible @sunshineandshowers21 but that last line is quite comically relatable! Yes, my DSis can be a teenage mum but god forbid she gets involved in a pyramid scheme, I'll disinherit her

On a real note though, it's really unimpressive how commonly this sort of bullying seems to happen. I knew that the kids were just parroting any old stereotype about teen mums to get a rise out of my DSis, but I was sort of hoping it was them being a bit backwards and generally arseholey. Seems more common than I'd like to think though.

@veganmegan

How can you call someone who got pregnant a slag? For all you know they have had sex once!

Not to mention the teen girls who didn't even make the choice to have sex, yet they're probably labelled a slag too.

This. Does anyone remember the young girl (I think she was 11 or 12 when she became pregnant) who was properly slated in the media for being Britains youngest mum? Then years later it transpired she'd been a victim of sexual abuse but was too scared to say anything for years.

Of course a parent would be embarrassed if their 16/17 year old got pregnant, as it’s a poor reflection on the parents and their lack of parenting to the 16/17 year old.

It shows the parents haven’t fully explained the true ugly and cruelty of the real world and the hole they have put themselves in without having their own roof over their head/ a regular income/ and preferably a car (I don’t know how people managed kids without a car....doing the weekly food shop for a start!)