To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

Unfortunately there are issues around loneliness as their former friends lose interest and so their support network crashes down around them.

I experienced this massively. One friend stayed in touch with me and was actually like an aunt to my baby. The rest of all my friends just disappeared.

has anything been said to the baby father? Why is it always the mother who gets called all the names under the sun when there were two parties involved in this?

He made an identical announcement (they did it at the same time) and absolutely nothing was said to him other than congratulatory comments. I guess maybe that's why I'm more abrasive about the "respect teen mums" thing, because everyone seems to have quite an easy time respecting teen dads.

The example I used. The parents on both sides made it 100% clear they would support the woman (And child) whether the couple got married or not. The couple did marry (which caused literal tutting and gossiping AT THE WEDDING as they were young and pregnant) clearly a very thick skin helps alongside truly supportive paeents.

I also have a "mum friend" who had her first at 16 (single) and her second and third in her 30s (husband left doesn't pay maintenance). She has said that teens were easier for the energy levels but support (friends etc)/ security (job, finances) are far easier and she's been more relaxed as a result. That makes me sad as if the burden is going to fall mainly on women financially (all too often the case) why isn't society more supportive both in attitudes and to prop up these women that go on to careers anyway?

Thanks @HibernatingTill2030 that's exactly what I guess I glibly put.

Ideally parents should be stable and to be stable, generally need a job, ideally a long standing one that gives maternity benefit and rights to return to it, a house and ideally a happy, healthy relationship.

Now age, doesn't mean you automatically have these things - but generally, 17 years olds don't. Therefore, it really isn't great, ideal or ok for most 17 year olds to have a baby.

@veganmegan I'm curious to know if opinions change based on marriage or other security? E.g. if someone gets married at 18 and has a child the same year is that less naive / "disappointing" than an unwed parent? Does a planned vs accidental pregnancy change anyone's viewpoint, or is it all down to age?

I don't personally think anyone should be be getting married at 18. That's a big commitment and you could lumber your teenage self with a twat who you loved as a teen.

I would imagine it would be a lot harder to buy a house as a teen mum and maybe even go to I I ect. I've never been one and take my hats off to people who do it but I think it's sensible to wait till you older for marriage and baby's. However that being said what's done is done and I think if it was my family member I would show them as much love and support as I could so they could succeed.

Your sister has done the right thing blocking her friends for now. Sadly teenagers are often judgemental about stuff like this, hopefully they will grow up soon and realised how awful they've been.

I think it's swings and roundabouts regarding age though. I am an old mum having my first at 40, and I know I'm much more patient than I would have been if I'd had them any earlier. However physically, I've found it much tougher than I would have done even 10 years ago, so I sometimes look at younger parents with a little bit of envy for all the energy they have, and by the time your nephew is 20, if she plays it right, your sister will be in the best place for career, travel and all the great stuff she can't do now. I think doing all that stuff a bit later on means you appreciate it more as you have more life experience.

Whilst I don't think many people would necessarily choose to have a baby so early, I know I wouldn't panic if my own daughters decided to keep a pregnancy when they get to that age.

No not OK for children to have children in my experience. Very few have the wherewithal to raise them. Outcomes are much worse and it creates a cycle of poverty (generally).

Not acceptable to call girls offensive names, reasonable to ensure they adequately provided for, good support should be available to overcome any disadvantage but better to wait until in a committed relationship and able to provide a secure family home. Not something to encourage.

I'd be gutted if it happened to my dc as a teen.
A teenager is still immature and would most likely need a lot of support from family (which would be hugely unfair on the family), they're unlikely to have the financial means to support a baby or a property to house them. They'd most likely lose friends and lose a portion of their education, they'd lose their youth.

I think there's a certain amount of schadenfreude going on with the so called 'friends'. I think it's almost relief it's not them and horror that it could happen to them. They have been very cruel and very immature.

I don't think being a teen parent is ideal, however having a child comes with challenges at any age. I think the main thing for young parents, is to have the support of friends and family who don't make them feel like they've been written off by having a baby. They need people around them that make them believe that their dreams are still achievable and help them achieve the things they want from life.

Your sister has that OP, she's happy (except for some silly little girls) - she'll be fine.

This all sounds Daily Fail fodder.

And you all fell for it!!

Your little sister knows some pretty unpleasant people.

I agree it’s not ideal to become a mum so young. But it’s not the end of the world. Her path will just be different.

No reason for people to be so nasty and abusive.

Female reproductive system can still be going through major changes so close to puberty and this is a danger in itself.

I believe the ages associated with additional risk listed on my maternity notes checklist thing were under 16 or over 35. So don’t think later teens is classed as dangerous?

Whilst I don't think many people would necessarily choose to have a baby so early, I know I wouldn't panic if my own daughters decided to keep a pregnancy when they get to that age.

I think that's how I see it too. There's no way I would try to enforce my child's pregnancy options either, if I'm honest.

And what's so wrong with a council house, anyway?!

*This all sounds Daily Fail fodder.

And you all fell for it!!*

Sorry it's actually not, I don't know how to defend myself against that accusation. You can report me if you'd like to?

@Kapalika

This all sounds Daily Fail fodder.

And you all fell for it!!

I agree.

@ciderfromalemon

Female reproductive system can still be going through major changes so close to puberty and this is a danger in itself.

I believe the ages associated with additional risk listed on my maternity notes checklist thing were under 16 or over 35. So don’t think later teens is classed as dangerous?

17 is just about the boundary and still within the confidence interval limit for some of those data.

Your little sister knows some pretty unpleasant people.

She had a bit of a rough patch with our mum (nothing bad by any means, just a bit of a clash of character) and she kind of rebelled by hanging out with kids who were "edgy", who in this circumstance were not very nice to her. She's not spoken to them since early in her pregnancy as they said some shitty stuff, but it was mostly low level snarkiness and bitching behind her back - nothing to her face or I'd have been having a word with them if they had done it twice.

One of my best friends’ growing up had a baby just before she turned 18 and managed to do her A levels etc.
She went on to university and did a Masters. She is very successful and so is her DD, now 22, beautiful, at uni etc. My friend’s parents were really supportive and helped her all the way and so did the baby’s dad. In fact, in terms of career it was better to not have kids in your 30s.
Your little sister needs to focus on her baby and ignore all the people with silly prejudices. She can be a great mum and still achieve whatever she wants as long as her family etc support her.

It’s not okay to speak to her like that.

My Mum had me at 17. I had an okay upbringing, could have been better, could have been worse. We did struggle a lot. She went back to college and then to university as I got older, it was hard but she managed. I didn’t have the same upbringing I would have had if she’d have gone to university and got a job and then had me though. She remarried and had children when I was in my teens and they’ve had completely different upbringings to me. No struggling, wanting for nothing. It’s not something I resent her for as it’s definitely made me have two feet on the ground and realise where I come from but it is not something I’d want for my child. I’d support her of course but I’d be upset. Anyone who says it’s not different or harder having children that young is lying IMO.

@MoseShrute

I would be devastated if my dd got pregnant that young, and l would do everything in my power to persuade her to have a termination. That said, the comments towards your dsis were cruel, abusive and bullying. Totally uncalled for.

Sorry but this is really wrong. Part of being a parent is supporting your children and standing back sometimes. I wouldn’t be thrilled either tbh. I definitely wouldn’t want to persuade anyone let alone my child to have an abortion it’s not my call. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself!

I was a teen mum. It’s totally unacceptable for anyone to make those types of comments toward your sister, but I want better for my two girls. I hope they don’t get pregnant young and go on to further education and good jobs. Then they won’t need to struggle as a young mum with no career prospects and can bring a child into the world when they’re ready and able to support a child and themselves emotionally and financially.

I don’t think being a 17 year old mum is ideal due to the extra challenges of doing it at this age, although personally I think it’s hugely preferable to having a termination at 17 (due to religious views).

However in some ways I agree with gingerbreadfox, although we were all terrified about teen pregnancy at the time, when society is now experiencing many women in their 30s and 40s running out of time to have children due to men messing us around, in some ways teen pregnancy seems like less and less of an issue in hindsight! Many 40somethings will admit to envy of a teenage mum these days!

It’s horrible people have said these things to her and I agree they are not her friends! Many 17 year olds have had sex so unless everyone sexually actively at 17 is a slag then being pregnant doesn’t make you more of one. Actually scratch that, nobody is a slag! It’s a horrible sexist term. As you rightly say nobody is saying mean things to the male involved. The only person who ever called me a slag was my abusive ex husband (due to my accepting a lift to work from a male colleague can you believe 🙄). People who call people slags are not nice people and people who call their FRIENDS slags don’t deserve to have friends in my opinion! Tell her to hold her head up high and enjoy her baby.

I agree.

Seriously, just report me if you think it's fake (or keep your eyes on news outlets I guess).