To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

@Ideasplease322

There were only 4 male 16 year olds who got married in England and Wales in 2020. Perhaps you know all of them😊

Or she didn't mean this year.....🤯

😂 you hate me😂.

@Ideasplease322

You are right, it’s just I felt your attack on me was pedantic and incoherent.

I will leave it now.

I didn't attack you once. I asked you questions.

You on the other hand insulted my profession then continued to ask sarcastic and wide eyed snidey questions.

I was under the impression we were having friendly debate.

Obviously not.

@Ideasplease322

😂 you hate me😂.

I didn't actually clock your username.

I don't hate people I know, let alone people I don't.

Sorry, I am joking. I think we are both in a argumentative mood and we have sparked against each other.

We have different views, I reacted to you questioning my use of the word anecdotal and the phrase Scot free. I truly didn’t understand he points you were making so asked if you were an English teacher thinking you were using some unusual English language rules I wasn’t familiar with. I wasn’t having a pop at the teaching profession, sorry it came across like that.

Anyway, we disagree about some language points and the evidence behind our views. Not the end of the world and I will sign off now.

Good night

@Ideasplease322

Sorry, I am joking. I think we are both in a argumentative mood and we have sparked against each other.

We have different views, I reacted to you questioning my use of the word anecdotal and the phrase Scot free. I truly didn’t understand he points you were making so asked if you were an English teacher thinking you were using some unusual English language rules I wasn’t familiar with. I wasn’t having a pop at the teaching profession, sorry it came across like that.

Anyway, we disagree about some language points and the evidence behind our views. Not the end of the world and I will sign off now.

Good night

Aye I'm grumpy at the world.

I think we all are
Peace and love.

My mum was 18 when she had me . My biological father left her after she refused to get an abortion. She is a fantastic Mum and role model. Age does not make you a bad or good parent.

So just to sum up then:
Teenage pregnancy = good
University, education and gaining life experiences = bad

Oh, and getting married when your basically a child yourself is a great idea.
Ok then.

@Beefcurtains79

So just to sum up then: Teenage pregnancy = good University, education and gaining life experiences = bad

Oh, and getting married when your basically a child yourself is a great idea.
Ok then.

That appears to sum it up nicely, @Beefcurtains79.

We aren't saying it's a good thing. We are attempting to bring balance which was made uneven by the 'devastated and mortified' brisgade.

The "devastated and mortified brigade" have teen daughters themselves and are expressing and emotionally laden point of view from their own experiences as a mother to a child. The OP already admitted since she isn't a mother herself she doesn't have this perspective as yet. It's not a "brigade" - I find that condescending. It's a natural parental response, led by emotion (as are most things with our own children). It's not to judge any other teen girl who may be in that situation who has no emotional significance to me personally - they can do what they like and I personally would never "judge" them for it let alone refer to them with the derogatory language described in the OP.

But mothers are allowed to (and indeed it would be entirely natural to) feel "devastated" when it concerns the lives of their own children.

Or - teenage pregnancy, university, and life experiences are not mutually exclusive, and often have different costs and benefits, according to each individual, and their lived experience?

How awful doesn't matter if your 17 or 35 🤷‍♀️

My sister had her first two children at 16 and 18 she moved to a council flat, didn't work, once youngest started school she went back to college and completed a two year course, got a job, worked her way up, became manager.

Age 34 she moved brought a house in a lovely Wiltshire village and 2 years later opened her own very successful beauty salon

These people are obviously not her friends, congratulations to your sister and tell her to just keep building her own life hoe she dents to

So just to sum up then:
Teenage pregnancy = good
University, education and gaining life experiences = bad

Oh, and getting married when your basically a child yourself is a great idea
Ok then
I wouldn't put it like that.
I would say that life doesn't always go the way you think it will.
Unexpected teen pregnancies have always happened and always will. In fact unexpected pregnancies in general will always happen, just read the relationships board.
If a unexpected teen pregnancy happens it doesn't have to be the end of the world. With support, whether it is from family or local authority a mum and her child can thrive.
Having a baby is life experience.
Not everyone wants to go to uni.
Not everyone wants to travel. Even now I have friends who are happy with their two weeks in Benidorm and don't want to go off the beaten path. Not an issue!
The only people I'm judging are the ones calling names. They are disgusting and I would put my house down that they are hypocrites!

As I said I was a teen mother and I don't think it is wrong of me to want more for my daughter. I also was raising my other children and I knew that a lot of care of any baby she had would also fall to me. She is now 20 and i'm so happy that she didn't become a teen mum like me I don't think it's wrong of me to say that is it?

@BeTheHokeyMan

As I said I was a teen mother and I don't think it is wrong of me to want more for my daughter. I also was raising my other children and I knew that a lot of care of any baby she had would also fall to me. She is now 20 and i'm so happy that she didn't become a teen mum like me I don't think it's wrong of me to say that is it?

Of course it isn't wrong of you to not want that for your own child! I wouldn't either for mine. But that doesn't mean I judge other teen mums. They are two different questions entirely - 1) would you want your own daughter to be a teen mum; and 2) Do you think teen mums deserve respect. The OP is asking the latter. The answer to the former is something she acknowledges she can't comment on with the benefit of the knowledge of what it feels like to be a parent.

@Beefcurtains79

So just to sum up then: Teenage pregnancy = good University, education and gaining life experiences = bad

Oh, and getting married when your basically a child yourself is a great idea.
Ok then.

Nobody said that.

@LouJ85

We aren't saying it's a good thing. We are attempting to bring balance which was made uneven by the 'devastated and mortified' brisgade.

The "devastated and mortified brigade" have teen daughters themselves and are expressing and emotionally laden point of view from their own experiences as a mother to a child. The OP already admitted since she isn't a mother herself she doesn't have this perspective as yet. It's not a "brigade" - I find that condescending. It's a natural parental response, led by emotion (as are most things with our own children). It's not to judge any other teen girl who may be in that situation who has no emotional significance to me personally - they can do what they like and I personally would never "judge" them for it let alone refer to them with the derogatory language described in the OP.

But mothers are allowed to (and indeed it would be entirely natural to) feel "devastated" when it concerns the lives of their own children.

I didn't say you couldn't.

I said that the posts about successful teens and the downside of uni was to counteract those responses, not to promote teen pregnancy which was clear to anyone RTFT not just coming on to say ahhhh so teen pregnancy is good and uni is bad.

Brigade was a flippant phrase il apologise fo that.

Those that have successful lives having been teen mums are to be congratulated. But come on - it makes life waaaay harder once you have a child we all know that. As mothers we want our girls to be as happy and fulfilled and successful as they can be and for many of us that means delaying babies. What others do is their business but personally yep would be devastated if either of my young teen girls had babies in the next few years. So shoot me.

@MsTSwift

Those that have successful lives having been teen mums are to be congratulated. But come on - it makes life waaaay harder once you have a child we all know that. As mothers we want our girls to be as happy and fulfilled and successful as they can be and for many of us that means delaying babies. What others do is their business but personally yep would be devastated if either of my young teen girls had babies in the next few years. So shoot me.

I think this is an entirely uncontroversial opinion. It's brilliant that so many people on the thread succeeded despite having a child very young, and they have my full admiration, but it's like admiring someone who has run a marathon wearing a blindfold or barefoot -- an unnecessary extra hurdle to overcome.

Her mates or ex mates are twats but no I don’t think it’s ok to be a teen mum either.. Live your life first a bit.

I'm married to a teen father. His ex was
16 when she had their first. They have both done well in the circumstances and got decent jobs, have a good life etc.
I would be very sad if my DSC became teen parents, as would thier DM and DD

@CorianderBee

Also do think it's a class thing, DP and I have been together 7 years since we were 18 and we're not planning on getting married until we're 30ish as it would be embarrassing

FFS. I realise you're half my age but - embarrassing to get married? Do you know how ridiculous you sound?

*I didn't say you couldn't.

I said that the posts about successful teens and the downside of uni was to counteract those responses, not to promote teen pregnancy which was clear to anyone RTFT not just coming on to say ahhhh so teen pregnancy is good and uni is bad.

Brigade was a flippant phrase il apologise fo that.*

@Wheresmykimchi - I do get your point. It really was just the "brigade" comment that sounded patronising. I appreciate the apology.

@LouJ85

*I didn't say you couldn't.

I said that the posts about successful teens and the downside of uni was to counteract those responses, not to promote teen pregnancy which was clear to anyone RTFT not just coming on to say ahhhh so teen pregnancy is good and uni is bad.

Brigade was a flippant phrase il apologise fo that.*

@Wheresmykimchi - I do get your point. It really was just the "brigade" comment that sounded patronising. I appreciate the apology.

Yeah that was unecessary on my part Lou. I think we are all on a short fuse.