To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

An old thread but so interesting, I think it entirely depends on a lot of factors but I think it can have many positives! In contrast I had my daughter at 34.5 my mum died suddenly the year our baby was born and my dad had a stroke the same year also! My partner whose just a couple yrs older than me his father is now unwell, it's been abs gut wrenching to have waited so long to have her trying to build a financial cushion but for her family to be falling apart around her. We do have money now but it can never replace the years lost if we'd have had her a lot younger. My mother had me at 22 and her partner was 20 at the time due to their age we had much family around us who are mostly still here. My daughter is only 3.5 now and I worry so much for her being a current only child as I had such a terrible birth and after birth issues the risk of another could be fatal and that's another blow we're having to accept that not only do we lack family she is very likely to never have siblings either! I wanted her a lot younger in my mid 20s but remember mum telling me to never get pregnant young, she didn't seem to enjoy being a parent but she left home at 16 due to an abusive father and her mother died at 11, she went off the rails due to a lack of support and she found it so hard having 2 to raise with no money on benefits. Now I think most people don't come from the place my mum did, she never stood a chance, but had she had more supportive family and a little financial support she may have felt different. I needed my mum just as much at 34.5 as I would have at 24 or 16 I think it entirely depends on circumstance. I know of 2 teen mums myself, my close friend had her one and only at 16 she went on to study a degree as she grew older and is now a lecturer! The other went on to have 4 children in total is a single mum and works full time and is now living mostly child free at 37 as her children are over 20 and late teens! She's just catching up now financially but she has more children and had them young when you can cope with the pressure pregnancy puts on a woman, conversely it's been a road of hell for me for the last 3 yrs with a very needy child, health issues as I couldn't recover as quickly due to my age and we have had abs no support from anyone! I have thought on this a lot and sometimes wish I'd never listened to my mother and had my children many yrs before I did! I've also lost so much time with my children, I'm 38 and stil have a long way to go. Whose wrong and whose right is a matter of circumstance I know I feel very different on this subject with my life turning out as it has. I say pull out the positives, young means so many years potentially with their children and plenty of time for more in the future, recovery is so much faster! Depending on how it goes it may motivate a ln urge to have a career, being younger means you can juggle more as you have more energy! I certainly also had more patience and energy prior to 34, I hope she ignores the naysayers and manages to make it work for them, I also hope the parents can see the positives and try to support best they can until they can manage by themselves. I certainly would never abandon them and people will always have an opinion, if it's not positive or constructive, ignore it x

I just think whatever age you have them I thinking the one thing that makes the difference which I never really realised is support from
Family.

We were both app very easy babies, slept well and happily played mostly alone, our daughter has been an horrendous sleeper and still is glued to our sides, she cannot cope on her own at all. When your 38 and this has been going on for 3.5 yrs we feel exhausted and my husband who now has an est big job finds it a lot to handle, he fees he has more patience now than being in his 20s but I beg to difffer! We had expected a child much like ourselves but we got a really difficult one, throw in no support at all it's been a lot on us both and it was triggered a health issue due to stress in my partner. I just think as long as both are happy blessing should be counted and support can be and should
Be provided if it's available! There are worse things that can happen and this is not the end of the world!

It's about perspective. My mum was one of the ones that had them young and also had no support, no money and it wasn't good for her, it's hard to judge anyone's situaiin unless you've been in their shoes. But having lost her at the young age of 56 I'm very grateful she had her first, me at 22 had she waited unitl my age I'd have lost her at just 20.

Life's a lottery we need to find the positives best we can and support our family where we best can and to also to try and support themselves x

Statistically having a baby as a teenager makes certain life trajectories more difficult (you can certainly study but it would be much more difficult to take a course that involves long hours e.g. nursing/midwifery or travel). However having a supportive family makes a huge difference and the outcome for mum and baby is generally good when they have a strong support network and come from a stable home themselves.

I would never choose for any of my DC to have a child as a teenager as I feel like it would make life more difficult for them. However if they did I hope it wouldn't be a complete disaster. I would NEVER give them the impression that I look down on people who have had babies young and would be absolutely appauled if they even expressed those kind of horrible opinions even to me at home let alone bullied a young mum on her SM page.

I think some parents are so terrified of their child having a baby young they deliberately inculcate these horrible opinions (teen mums are sluts etc) in the hope of making it more scary/unappealing. I think it's a terrible way to behave towards your child and others but yes it does happen.

How are your sister and her partner paying for everything their baby needs?

At 17 they are supposed to still be in education.

The real question is: is it good for the new grandparents? In many cases no, it’s being a parent all over again.

I had my two at 31 and 33 and a lot of my friends and family members had their firsts either in their teens or at 20 all of them are the best mothers I know. So patient so loving so kind. Always played with their kids they had so much energy (I'm not saying older people don't and can't do this ) but for me i definitely think these people I know are better mums than me . Her old friends sound absolutely vile !! Congratulations to your sister she will be fine ❤️

Just wasted 10 minutes reading a zombie thread.

I would ideally not want my daughter to become a young mum because I think that the phase of life between 17-25 plus is an opportunity for studying and having life experiences such as travelling or trying out different careers/ relationships / hobbies. All of these are easier to do without a baby and all the responsibilities.

If my daughter got pregnant I would support her but I wouldn’t be happy about providing a lot of care. It would mean I’d still be caring for other children, working and helping by elderly parents. I’d much rather she waited till she was an adult and independent.
But I’d help and the baby would be loved.

But of course no one should insult your sister and call her names. All parents should be offered support. I would also suggest that ‘teen mum’ is a broad category. While there are some very responsible teens there’s also a lot who are not at all ready.

I had my eldest at 20, I was working full time and had very little help from my parents due to them also working full time. I still lived at home which helped with costs a little bit did pay rent to my parents and nursery fees.

it’s not the end of the world but not what I would want for my own children, yes I was out of education and working but it hampered my opportunity to go to uni and train as a nurse which I am only able to do now at 34 now all of my DC are at school and I am able to study/do placement part time. It also meant I missed out on being with friends so much as well as they were all at uni/working/out at the weekends and I couldn’t join them as much anymore. I haven’t been able to save for my own mortgage yet due to childcare costs etc

I was pregnant at 17 and had three children by the time I was 23. As an adult now, I can’t believe I had children so young. I think there are lots of benefits to having children young but lots of disadvantages too.

For example; I had no trouble conceiving, all three were unplanned but wanted (all have the same father and we were in a secure relationship until a few years ago). I gave birth easily, recovered quickly and left hospital in my pre pregnancy jeans.

All their grandparents are still alive and where only in their 40’s when they where born.

I can never remember being tired when they were babies or little.

I had a very carefree attitude and let the children be adventurous and take risks. They are all now very confident young adults.

The children say that we as parents were great fun and even now that they are adults they will choose to spend the day with me/come on holiday etc.

I think being a young parent makes you more aware of what children/teenagers might get up to.

All their friends are jealous of the fact they have young parents!

but in saying that, all of the above could relate to older parents too, maybe it’s more of a personality thing that an age thing!

Clear disadvantages too!

I left school and got pregnant within a year. I feel I very much missed out on a lot and had a huge amount of responsibility on my young shoulders.

We often struggled with money and it’s only now, that I feel I have some cash for extras for myself. We moved house 3/4 times trying to move up the property ladder.

All my friends had kids 10 years after me now so all my mum friends were older than me. Likewise, all my friends now have youngish kids while I pretty much free.

I don’t feel I was as patient as I would be now with a young child. I didn’t really read to them, or do educational things, it was all fun fun fun. Although to be fair two are at uni and one is doing A-levels so maybe that didn’t cause much harm!

I think I would have outgrown and left my relationship within a few years if we hadn’t had kids. We stayed together for the kids, although I guess a lot of people do this.

All in all, if I could turn back the clock and have the same kids, I would wait until I was about 25. I wouldn’t want to be having my first child at 30/35 but I wouldn’t do it so young again and I would be really upset if my children had children at the same age as I did.

Well it's not ideal, she is unlikely to give her child the best opportunities and I personally would never have wanted this for myself or would I want this for someone else I care about. Its not to say she wont be a good mum and there is certainly no need for bullying

It’s not okay because at 17 however old you think you are you don’t have a clue. The fact you get pregnant in an age were contraception is free and accessible reinforces the lack of maturity and naivety about what it actually means for you long term. The human brain is not even fully developed by that age and teens are way too self absorbed by their own needs to be as good of a parent as they would have been as an older adult. Yes you can be a good mum but you’ve just made your life a whole lot harder than it needed to be.