To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

This is really nasty. Presumably the pregnancy wasn't planned and she is making the best of it. Being a teen parent must be really hard - financially, emotionally you don't have the maturity, you may feel jealous of your peers. With the support of family and friends, it can work. Comments like these don't help.

There's definitely a lot of prejudice when it comes to teen mums. When I had my first at 23 my younger sister used to take him out for walks around town. At the time she was 17 and after school she was still wearing her school uniform. People used to actually walk up to her in the street while she was wheeling the pram just to give her abuse, thinking DS was hers! Usually older women who would try to give her a full on lecture on how she should be ashamed of herself. She just thought it was funny (and kind of liked embarrassing them with the truth), but I'd imagine it could be very upsetting for a real teen mum. I don't know why people feel they have the right to comment.

The reason people judge is there's a social expectation that having a baby you should have planned it, be in a long term relationship with the father, and be in a position to support yourselves & a baby financially. A teenager usually doesn't tick off any of those.

People who call people slags are not nice people and people who call their FRIENDS slags don’t deserve to have friends in my opinion!

"Slag" was the most common slut-shamey word used when I was back at school, but I hoped with the various movements that times had moved on. I'm sick to death of it though, I just can't be arsed anymore. I feel so exhausted for her, having to deal with all this added nonsense from idiots who don't know better. No one is calling her boyfriend a slag!!

Its so sad that in this day and age some people still have such a backward hateful attitude. I hope your sister enjoys every day with her son and completely ignores all these vile creatures.

She should screenshot the messages and then put them on FB with the sender's names blacked out. Say anybody who wants to send messages like this to a new mother can just remove themselves from her friend list straightaway.

I'm guessing the boyfriend/father didn't receive messages telling him he was a slag...

I wish I'd had my kids younger purely because it seems the body bounces back a bit easier when it's still got lots of collagen in it!

diamondpony80 My aunt had her first baby at 21, and the last (3rd) at 37. So my cousin was 16 when the youngest was born. My elder cousin used to babysit the baby a lot- all perfectly normal IMO. She experienced the same sort of thing. I don't know why they would automatically assume the teenager is the babys mother, instead of elder sister, cousin, aunt etc. Or why t's their place to comment at all really. After all, if the teenager IS the mum, it's too late for the unwanted comments anyway really.

Presumably the pregnancy wasn't planned and she is making the best of it.

Wasn't planned no (to my knowledge I think she had a contraceptive failure but I didn't pry too deeply) but a very much wanted baby.

Why is it always the mother who gets called all the names under the sun when there were two parties involved in this? It was always thus..

Tbh I think part of this is because women are usually a lot more bitchy and full of unwanted opinions than what men are!

I think it's all been said already, but:

1. the arrival of a baby is a joyous occasion
2. it's very disappointing to see young people, most of them girls presumably, trot out such sexist and misogynistic bullshit. In relation: how am I not surprised her partner got none of these comments...
3. there also seems to be more than a hint of "there but for the grace of God go I" about it. It sounds like these girls are picking on your sister to feel better about themselves.

I wouldn't want my child to become a teen parent. However, that is not the same as judging them for it and not supporting them. My son is only 2 so still some time to go but I'm currently far more worried about a friend in her thirties with an amazing career and plenty of money getting pregnant, as I think her partner is a tosser and I'm concerned her desire to have a baby is a much bigger reason she hasn't ditched him yet than she'll ever admit.

Should teenage mothers be accorded the same respect and humanity as any other human being? Absolutely. Should these ‘friends’ have been so repellents misogynistic and insulting to your sister? Absolutely not. Do I think that having a baby in your teens is ‘ok’ in the sense that it’s an excellent life decision? No.

It’s not an ideal, or something young girls should be encouraged to aspire to. It will also be judged by many...

But then so will:

Having dc too old
Being too fat during pregnancy
Being too thin during pregnancy
Not having a job - lazy
Having a job - why did you bother having them?
Being too strict
Being too lenient

And so on, and so on.

She has joined the ranks of motherhood now, which unfortunately means that everything she does will be wrong to someone.

Do I think that having a baby in your teens is ‘ok’ in the sense that it’s an excellent life decision? No.

Not an excellent life decision for most people, but it's also not a death sentence IYSWIM. I can empathise with folk not wanting their teens to have babies, but I can't empathise with those who are talking about trying to enforce abortions.

I had my first as a teen. It wasn’t easy, I had to get through my degree with three young children in the end and worked PT too. Was on my knees most of the time but I managed.

It isn’t an ideal situation but it’s definitely unfair to say all teen parents are crap, they really aren’t.

Depends on the teen
Some it works for them
Others it doesn’t
Hard question to answer

My mum was an unmarried teen when she became pregnant with me in the 1960s. I lost her two years ago, very suddenly when she was 71. My Dad, brother, sister and I are devastated.

It took a lot of courage and tenacity for my mum to keep me then; she was encouraged by everyone to give me up, but she wouldn’t.

Anyone who thinks teen mums are somehow lacking should’ve met her: mother, wife, nurse, rescuer of animals, gardener, community worker... the list is endless.

Small minded people who judge by their own standards are the sort of people who are calling your sister names. Tell her to ignore- they will fade into obscurity as she raises her child; a child who will love her all of her life, and miss her dreadfully when she’s gone.

@Chocolatechips12

Why is it always the mother who gets called all the names under the sun when there were two parties involved in this? It was always thus..

Tbh I think part of this is because women are usually a lot more bitchy and full of unwanted opinions than what men are!

Are you a woman too @Chocolatechips12?

Also should say that women will always be criticised. They’re either too young or too old and if they don’t have children at all they’ll be questioned about it probably until they die. It’s just something women have to put up with and it’s shit.

She has joined the ranks of motherhood now, which unfortunately means that everything she does will be wrong to someone.

My mum actually said to her "Every wannabe Simon Cowell is going to think they're an expert on how you raise your kid" (or words to that effect, which I thought was quite sage! If I knew how to make wall art I'd probably make that for DSis).

@Chocolatechips12

Why is it always the mother who gets called all the names under the sun when there were two parties involved in this? It was always thus..

Tbh I think part of this is because women are usually a lot more bitchy and full of unwanted opinions than what men are!

Nothing to do with patriarchy and the age-old judging of young/ unmarried mothers then? Just women being bitchy harpies? Good to know!

I know a few people who had kids in their teens. Great parents, wonderful, sweet kids with excellent manners etc. Having kids young hasn't deprived them of any opportunities that other people their age had. They have developed good careers. One started university when her baby was a year old, juggled her course and child rearing easily and went on to do a Masters. Some people are just unpleasant and ignorant.

@veganmegan

I'm curious to know if opinions change based on marriage or other security? E.g. if someone gets married at 18 and has a child the same year is that less naive / "disappointing" than an unwed parent? Does a planned vs accidental pregnancy change anyone's viewpoint, or is it all down to age?

The security/marriage thing would be less of an issue for me: I've got to be honest I don't think having children that young is ever great really, however much "security" you have. Obviously its better if you are married, in a stable and supportive relationship and with some financial security. But for me its really more about the missed opportunities.

Having a baby in your teens means its going to be the best part of a decade before you're able to seriously study, travel, earn any real money or just let your hair down and do the things young people do.

This isn't insurmountable and plenty of people claw their way back from that, but I think I would find it very alienating and difficult. A teen mum will be very cut off from most other people of her age, she will find it harder to get a good education or to earn good money and to meet interesting people: her life will revolve for a good long time around other young mums.

If my DD became pregnant as a teenager there wouldn't be any question of moral judgement at all: I'd support her emotionally (and probably financially) and would embrace my grandchild. But I'd be lying if I said I was thrilled that she was limiting herself in that way.

Teen mum here...well I'm 34 now and my amazing ds is 16. I sat my leaving exams 9 months pregnant and did fantastic...went to college and have 2 degrees and my masters and a great job and a 6 figure salary. my ds has been to 26 countries with me including America Mexico Japan South Korea China just to name a few. I bought my own home alone and new cars all thanks to a supportive family helping me along the way.

When I had my ds my parents told me if I got a job or went to college they would help me with childcare and help but if I went on benefits they would not provide the same amount of childcare as the benefits are there for a mother to raise a child. I wouldn't be where I am without their support

It is not ideal while all my friends were young and living their life I had a baby to be responsible for but I wouldn't change him for the world but it was tough for the first 8 years of his life I lived close to the breadline and it took alot more effort to succeed but he was my focus.

I know how your sister feels because alot of my 'friends' abandoned me and even strangers used to make comments...it just made me more determined to be better for my ds.

That is shockingly awful to hear. I would never have imagined a mass reaction like that. It’s so hateful, angry and misogynistic- where so you think it comes from? I wonder if it’s driven by fear around their own futures in this grim time, not that it’s any excuse.

Definitely there is a classist/sexist stereotyping around teenage mothers, but I am surprised to see it applied to young women by her peers.

I would not be at all happy about my DSD or DN etc becoming teenage mums because I would worry that it would limit their opportunities and youthful freedom, etc. I think this is a common view, but I don’t see why it would lead to such aggression to a person in that position. It’s baffling.

I really don't think it's ok to be a teen mum but there is absolutely no need for such bullying. I would be mortified if my 16 year old dd got pregnant. Of course I would support her but it I cannot see many positives to be honest.