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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a phone/video call from my only child on Xmas day?

181 replies

LittleJules59 · 30/12/2020 19:40

I had a What's App video call with my son today for the first time in a few weeks. I spoilt it by being annoyed that he hadn't called on Xmas day.

He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day.

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day. It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round.

Have been unreasonable (or possibly terribly unreasonable)?

OP posts:

Nohomemadecandles · 30/12/2020 19:44

Oh you poor thing. Can you call him back? Start it again? And undo the spoil?

I can really see why why you felt put out. I guess time zones and whatnot mean there's a smaller window for him.

Sending You can't help disappointment.

But a tiny bit U , yes

Tier10 · 30/12/2020 19:45

I’ve heard on some phones you can make a receive calls.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/12/2020 19:48

@Tier10 l have heard that. Doesn’t seem to be the case for a lot of people’s phones though

mum2bin2021 · 30/12/2020 19:48

Yes, yabu. Sorry but your son gave you options and you declined as he wasn't pandering to exactly what you wanted. You'll push him away with an attitude like that. He had guests to entertain, presumably cook for, clean after, etc. He told you in advance and you're still sulking almost a week after. Poor guy, no wonder he doesn't call very often.

littlepattilou · 30/12/2020 19:48

YANBU to be a bit put out/hurt, but throwing it in his face today was out of order sorry @LittleJules59

I hope you feel less blue about this soon. It is disappointing when you can't talk to your loved ones when you want to, especially around Christmas!

How old is your son? Are you alone, or married/in a relationship?

littlepattilou · 30/12/2020 19:50

Did he cut the call short @LittleJules59 coz he was pissed off?

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/12/2020 19:50

It depends why you want him to call you. If you want him to do it out of duty because he feels he has to, and make him wish he hadn't bothered to try by always wanting more, then yes have a go at him when he phones.
If you want him to enjoy phoning you and actually want to speak to you, then be nice when he phones and don't find fault with him.
It's no good relying on someone else for your happiness. And you can't make someone be nice to you by telling them off!

Xmasgrump · 30/12/2020 19:50

I wonder why he moved?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/12/2020 19:51

He did let you know in advance; yes, saying not five minutes on Christmas day maybe a bit unfair on Christmas day may be a bit unfair, but if you turn the first call after that into a telling off/sulkfest, I can see that it would make the idea of a call with you a chore rather than a pleasure.

Bizawit · 30/12/2020 19:51

No idea why people are saying YABU.
Of course your son should take 5 mins to call his mother on Christmas Day!! Don’t feel bad OP, that was very thoughtless of him.

SeasonFinale · 30/12/2020 19:53

Maybe he was upset that his only mother couldnt be arsed to call him. after all the phones work both ways you know.

Seriously though he told you he had company, he has contacted you before and after Chistmas. My parents live abroad and one son has also lived abroad. With time differences even with the best intentions from time to time you forget what the time is and before you know it is too late to call because of time differences. I think he realised that it may be difficult because they had guests.

I would move past this if I were you.

littlepattilou · 30/12/2020 19:55

The 'no wonder he doesn't call often' and 'no wonder he moved out' comments are so mean and unnecessary.

@LittleJules59 maybe fire a whatapp message at your son and say sorry for being picky, but you were disappointed about Christmas day that's all. YANBU to be upset, but YABU to have a go at him. If he is young-ish, like under 25, it's not uncommon for them to be a bit lax at contacting parents. Not an excuse, but a reason.

Iflyaway · 30/12/2020 19:55

I'm a single mum of an adult child. I appreciate he is living his own life - as it should be.

What's in a day? I certainly would have taken one of the two options he proposed. Because I respect he has other priorities in life. Actually I would be thrilled he has Xmas day to spend with friends living on the other side of the world.

Nothing worse than parents who still try to control their adult kids. Sorry OP.

DolphinsAndNemesis · 30/12/2020 19:55

Do you usually wait for him to call? Or do you also initiate contact?

Reallyhadenough · 30/12/2020 19:56

Yanbu, this year was the first I haven't seen my daughter on Christmas day. She was working (on a covid ward) but still managed a very quick call

littlepattilou · 30/12/2020 19:56

Maybe 'his mother didn't phone him' because the arrangement was that her son would phone her. Most 20 somethings/teenagers (which I assume he is,) rarely answer the phone anyway! Unless they are expecting the call.

GoldenZigZag · 30/12/2020 19:56

If you have a healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship I can see why you would be hurt, yes.

But he shouldn't be expected to call just out of duty, no.

Your emphasis on him being your only child makes me think you expect the latter, so YABU.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 30/12/2020 19:57

Ah you have one of those special phones that only receives calls.

You do realise they work birth directions?

WunWun · 30/12/2020 19:57

You don't have any right to demand someone reconsider their priorities to suit you.

TipsieM · 30/12/2020 19:58

I understand that you were disappointed. I really do. And times are tough. Covid plus Christmas is a difficult combination for many of us.

And a short 5 minute call does seem entirely possible, even on Christmas. But maybe he wanted to call his mother in a calm and nice moment, when he'd have time to talk... I'm sure he had a reason.

And he did give you 2 imo rather nice option. A call on Christmas Eve is lovely as well, isn't it?

But telling him that he needs to think about his priorities feels a bit much. It seems very "guilt trip-y", something I personally can't stand.

I'm really sorry btw. I think it would be good to apologise and tell him that you were just feeling a little blue (and maybe add that covid restriction made this Christmas time particularly difficult for you). Idk...

littlepattilou · 30/12/2020 19:58

@Reallyhadenough

Yanbu, this year was the first I haven't seen my daughter on Christmas day. She was working (on a covid ward) but still managed a very quick call

This exactly. It's not 'trying to control your adult child's life' to want to speak to them for five minutes on Christmas day!

Flamingolingo · 30/12/2020 19:58

I’m really glad my own mum is always pleased to speak to me when I do find the time to call her. This year that wasn’t until about 5pm on Christmas Day, just because, and I didn’t really get to speak to her, the children did. Often we have a houseful at Christmas and finding the time to have the quality of conversation I want to have isn’t always easy. He gave you options, which you could easily have taken. I think you are being unreasonable.

AliTheMinx · 30/12/2020 19:59

Big hugs, OP. I would have been very disappointed and hurt too if my (only) DC hadn't made time to call on Christmas Day. YANBU and hopefully your son will realise how upset you are and make amends.

christmasathomeagain · 30/12/2020 20:00

My mum lives in Australia and its really hard to schedule calls at the best of times but on Christmas day it's impossible. We arranged a family video call for check eve morning here and early evening over there as that meant all the kids were around but didn't impact everyone's preparations for the day.

I also spoke to my mum I think on boxing day night so 27th for her.

Your som probably didn't stop till late evening which would probably have been in the middle of lunch for you so probably not convenient.

Ponoka7 · 30/12/2020 20:11

It was fine to tell him that you were hurt, but not to start with the emotional blackmail or tell him that he has his priorities wrong.

Can you afford to call him again and apologise?

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