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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a phone/video call from my only child on Xmas day?

181 replies

LittleJules59 · 30/12/2020 19:40

I had a What's App video call with my son today for the first time in a few weeks. I spoilt it by being annoyed that he hadn't called on Xmas day.

He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day.

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day. It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round.

Have been unreasonable (or possibly terribly unreasonable)?

OP posts:
feistymumma · 31/12/2020 10:51

@Whyistheteacold

I had to read this twice to make sure it said DS as this post could easily have been written by my mum. She doesn't work or have any close friends, so she does not understand what it's like to be busy. And every phonecall there will always be a problem, either I have a missed call from her, I haven't texted her, why don't I ever message to say I miss her, why can't she see me. Or sometimes she calls to moan to me about my dsis and how my dsis is too busy or won't answer her phone. Every phone call lasts 30 mins to an hour, despite me saying mum Im cooking dinner, running a bath etc. She is so needy, and the more she clings on the more I feel I need to push her away. She's never happy, she always wants more. It's got to the point where I instantly feel annoyed when I see it's her calling. And when I have a spare hour when DD (3 months) is asleep I have to mentally prepare myself to call her back and get it over and done with. Op stop pushing your DS. Allow him to live his own life, don't critisize and nag him, and maybe you will see that he starts WANTING to call you and share himself with you. Don't make it into a situation where he is only calling you out of duty
Sounds so like my mum, my mum constantly calls (everyday) and the calls are always 45 minutes plus a day. If I don't answer then she rings continuously and then sends messages saying oh you went to be early! I feel obliged to answer her calls because I feel bad she is lonely but she doesn't make any effort to make friends. Just the other day she was sending me a message to tell my daughter that she needs to rearrange her priorities and respond to her messages and I said you just need to understand people and I wasn't going to pass on a guilt tripping message. No wonder they don't respond because she then replies like the OP and tells my children off.
RedskyAtnight · 31/12/2020 10:51

Agree with other that this is another manifestation of the viewpoint that appeared on Christmas meeting threads - that Christmas Day retains an importance above all other days.

Personally I find it bizarre. Why is 5 minutes on Christmas Day more highly perceived than a longer chat on an adjoining day? Unless you are a devout Christian (no indication that OP is) it's a cultural celebration only. Birthdays are different because they are more individual.

Until I put a stop to it, I used to have to communicate with my mother at the frequency and timing that she dictated. So we had regular calls at fixed intervals and irregular calls on days that were considered worth of note.

On the other hand, DH and his mother speak when either of them want to talk about anything in particular. So they might talk every day for a week and then not at all for the next 6 weeks. Unsurprisingly, DH has a much better relationship with his mother than I do with mine.

Cocomarine · 31/12/2020 10:57

It was a reasonable of you to express your disappointment at not speaking on Xmas Day itself. However, he suffered the 2 days either side and you chose to cut off your own nose to spite your face.

The fact that your last 2 years of Xmas Day phone calls have only been 5 minutes long suggests there might be either a backstory - or that you’re simply not close. Refusing to have a call on 24th or 26th because you want the 25th is not going to rectify this.

Who wants a 5 minute duty call just because it’s Xmas? I think that would upset me as much as no call.

TipsieM · 31/12/2020 10:59

If he wasn’t fussed he wouldn’t have told her anything or try to schedule a time to begin with.

I agree. Sounds like he does want contact. But at a time that suits him and not necessarily on one particular day of the year.

phoenixrosehere · 31/12/2020 11:02

Her OP clearly states they normally manage a 5 min call on the day the last few years. I also read it as she told him at the time she wanted him to call on Xmas day but brought it up again when he did call.

And she was being unreasonable to bring it up again regardless. She did spoil the call. She could have let it go and had a nice chat with her son but chose not to because she was too busy being annoyed. She had her son likely uninterrupted with likely nothing to worry about but instead is being annoyed over five minutes where her son is going to be preoccupied and she talks about priorities.

If this were a woman getting upset her spouse didn't wish her on her birthday, because he was busy socialising, there'd be a completely different response. Parental relationships should carry the same respect.

No, they should not. They are two entirely different dynamics and relationships. They should not carry the same respect.

phoenixrosehere · 31/12/2020 11:03

*was going

Whyistheteacold · 31/12/2020 11:04

@JurassicParkAha why should parental relationships carry the same respect as a romantic one? In a romantic relationship you choose to be with that person. No one chooses their parents, no one asks to be born. I certainly wouldnt choose to associate with my mother if I didn't feel obliged to. She is offensive, emotionally abusive, neglectful, and completely reliant on me and my sister. She has no awareness of appropriate boundaries and behaviour. She frequently used to tell me about her sexual relationships including sexual abuse/rape, she would tell me about her self harm and suicidal ideation. Then she moans to anyone who will listen about what a terrible daughter I am because I quite often ignore her calls. I never go and see her, I'm always too busy for her. She constantly asks do I love her? Do I miss her? And so on. She is so needy I often feel like her counsellor or friend rather than daughter. Why on earth should I respect her? Parental relationships are not the same as romantic ones at all. Being a parent doesn't mean that your child inherently owes you anything at all.

TipsieM · 31/12/2020 11:05

If this were a woman getting upset her spouse didn't wish her on her birthday, because he was busy socialising, there'd be a completely different response. Parental relationships should carry the same respect.

That seems incredibly toxic!

Nohomemadecandles · 31/12/2020 11:07

@phoenixrosehere and if anyone reads her post with some kind of EI instead of projecting their own feelings on it, you can clearly see she knows she's been silly and just needed a bit of gentle admonition and Flowers. She KNOWS she reacted badly by spoiling the call. She says so!

But she's entitled to feel a bit sad that, after a shitty year and considering he usually does, she didn't hear from her son on Christmas day.

So quick to be snipy, these days. MN really isn't very supportive any more. Especially of older parents

BringPizza · 31/12/2020 11:10

Unless you're devout Christians, Christmas day is just food and presents. In which case I don't understand why people get so het up. OP your comment to your DS that he has his priorities wrong is awful, why do you expect your grown child to put you above all else?

toconclude · 31/12/2020 11:10

@Heyahun

He probably won’t be calling you next year after this or very often now at all tbh after you being so moany 😂
How nice that you think loneliness is so amusing...
phoenixrosehere · 31/12/2020 11:12

So quick to be snipy, these days. MN really isn't very supportive any more. Especially of older parents

I wasn’t trying to be snipy nor was that my intention and sorry OP if it has come across that way.

I was speaking towards the automatic assumption that the son was being uncaring, rude and/or selfish.

SpiderGwen · 31/12/2020 11:26

YABVU

There will be a 6-8 hour time difference and he would be entertaining guests when it was an acceptable time to ring you. He told you that up front and offered 2 alternate days, both part of the holidays.

That’s a decent, caring son. An uncaring one wouldn’t ring at all.

Then you spoil it by trying to guilt trip him and double down on that by reprimanding him like he’s a child.

I suggest messaging him to say you know you overstepped, you’re sorry and you’d love to hear how his party went when he has some time.

Womencanlift · 31/12/2020 11:30

This post is very eye opening to the view that parents seem to become irrelevant to some people when they grow up and have families of their own. To me that is so sad. They are still my parents regardless of my age

Wonder if all these posters who are saying I will phone them when it’s convenient to me are the same people using their parents as childcare

IEat · 31/12/2020 11:33

He told you he would be busy
Be thankful he even told you
Chill be happy that he has friends and a life
Is it worth falling out over
Don’t ale him feel bad for having a life away from you

Hankunamatata · 31/12/2020 11:34

I called my parents but it was quick. I sent some photos. Iv had cold and sinusitis over xmas which floored me. I hope they understand

Vivi0 · 31/12/2020 11:35

He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day

Your son is clearly setting boundaries with you, which isn’t too surprising given this:

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 31/12/2020 11:37

@Womencanlift

This post is very eye opening to the view that parents seem to become irrelevant to some people when they grow up and have families of their own. To me that is so sad. They are still my parents regardless of my age

Wonder if all these posters who are saying I will phone them when it’s convenient to me are the same people using their parents as childcare

But it’s clear that her son doesn’t find her irrelevant give them fact he normally does call her on Christmas Day but said this year he wouldn’t be able to as he was busy, so suggest another day either side of Christmas to devote to her entirely.

I would wonder if posters like you are the grandparents who demand to see their grandchild way too much and intrude on lives as you see so much on here.... but I won’t as that would be projecting.

Womencanlift · 31/12/2020 11:39

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe well I would be a very young grandparent if I was one

Vivi0 · 31/12/2020 11:42

If this were a woman getting upset her spouse didn't wish her on her birthday, because he was busy socialising, there'd be a completely different response. Parental relationships should carry the same respect.

Erm, just no. It’s not the same at all. This is so dysfunctional, I don’t even know where to begin.

PerhapsOverlyWorried · 31/12/2020 12:05

Perhaps your moods and attitude is why he doesn’t want to call you?

JurassicParkAha · 31/12/2020 12:11

@Whyistheteacold

Surely, you realise though that your mother is NOT everyone's mother. And I'm sorry you have a toxic relationship with her, so of course this doesn't apply. But for people, who do have a loving relationship with their parents they absolutely SHOULD offer them the same courtesy and respect they'd offer their partners, colleagues, friends, and children.

And it is incredible that people cannot comprehend that many families do actually like and get on with each other - and clearly the OP's son does like and value his mother enough to stay in touch with her (And also thinks Xmas is a big deal given he's celebrating it all the way in the Far East...incidentally it's ironic he's celebrating it in a part of the world that reveres family and he absolutely would be judged silently if colleagues and friends knew he hadn't called to wish his mother). He just hasn't showed it to her in the way she wanted, she's entitled to be emotional and upset over it. That's what her AIBU was asking, and I have my opinion on it, as do other people.

BloggersBlog · 31/12/2020 12:13

Another OP who drops a debatable post then hops it

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/12/2020 12:16

Some posts from both sides of argument are quite Confused

The fact that someone doesn't call a parent on Christmas day, doesn't mean they don't care. My mum and I haven't spoken on our Christmas day because we both had plans and agreed that trying to call each other when it may not be good for the other one is bit stupid, so just let's do it in peace next day and have a chat. It's never just 5 minutes😂

phoenixrosehere · 31/12/2020 12:17

But it’s clear that her son doesn’t find her irrelevant give them fact he normally does call her on Christmas Day but said this year he wouldn’t be able to as he was busy, so suggest another day either side of Christmas to devote to her entirely.

Not only that he’s on the other side of the world.

I wait til it’s early evenings on their days off to talk to my parents since it’s around lunchtime for them so they can see their grandchildren. I also work so even if they don’t talk to me, they talk to my husband. Working days, I can’t call until 8 or 9pm which is around bedtime for our sons and they want to see their grandsons so we only usually talk on their days off or holidays. Due to living 4,000+ miles away, they’re not exactly doing childcare as much as they would want to.