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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a phone/video call from my only child on Xmas day?

181 replies

LittleJules59 · 30/12/2020 19:40

I had a What's App video call with my son today for the first time in a few weeks. I spoilt it by being annoyed that he hadn't called on Xmas day.

He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day.

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day. It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round.

Have been unreasonable (or possibly terribly unreasonable)?

OP posts:

SuperCaliFragalistic · 30/12/2020 21:43

I would be glad my child had a fun, busy Christmas with friends lined up and wasn't worrying about making a call to me. Some of my friends at uni had "needy" parents who expected a certain level of contact. Their kids always resented the duty call on Sunday night. I sometimes go weeks without seeing members of my family and at other times I call them several times a week. They are also always welcome to call me fir a chat or a catch up. We certainly don't schedule in an expected amount of contact.

doradoo · 30/12/2020 21:44

I'm a DC overseas with my own family - I didn't have time xmas day to call my parents- but equally they didn't call me.....

we have an ongoing thing where my dc call their grandparents each Sunday to keep a relationship going. DS called my mum on Sunday - he spoke to her/ them - always on speakerphone.... don't get me started on that - but they hung up before being passed to me as is usual routine.

So I'm now in the doghouse for not having called but hey phones work both ways.

If you needed to speak to your son on Xmas day, then you should have called him, otherwise Xmas eve or Boxing Day would have been fine.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/12/2020 21:45

I think he was actually good about it. Yes, he would have 5min, but with people over, cooking, fun it's easy to miss the good window. If he said "I will call on Christmas day about 3" and then forgot, it would be shitty. He tried to prevent you waiting by the phone and him doing "I should call mum, yeah. Oh yeah I will first pass them crisps..." ... "oh, look... it's 11pm...".

SuperCaliFragalistic · 30/12/2020 21:48

Also that fact that you refer to him as your "only child" indicates that you struggle with this attachment now he is an adult. You have to let children grow and move on, and sometimes that means they leave you behind a bit. But that's ok, its healthy.

Coyoacan · 30/12/2020 21:51

I'm sure you must miss him being such a long way away, OP.

trixiebelden77 · 30/12/2020 21:55

I always call on Christmas Day. But my mum is a master guilt tripper. It’s never enough.

I wonder if five minutes would really have been enough? If he said he had to go at the five minutes mark, would it have been ‘couldn’t even spare ten minutes for his mum’?

Can you call him again and have a nicer call?

BogRollBOGOF · 30/12/2020 21:55

@SnackSizeRaisin

It depends why you want him to call you. If you want him to do it out of duty because he feels he has to, and make him wish he hadn't bothered to try by always wanting more, then yes have a go at him when he phones. If you want him to enjoy phoning you and actually want to speak to you, then be nice when he phones and don't find fault with him. It's no good relying on someone else for your happiness. And you can't make someone be nice to you by telling them off!

This kind of attitude was why I rarely phone my mother.

I had a busy phase at uni, finally picked up the phone and got a deeply sarcastic "oh you are still alive then". She couldn't possibly have rung into the communal payphone because of her issues with family politics if a housemate answered, so I had to ring from the payphone or pricey brick mobile phone.
Snippy comments, doom plopping and virtually never picking up the phone herself meant that the frequency of calls drifted to months where it took weeks to psych up to get the chore done.
If she'd been nicer and made a fair effort, our relationship would have been considerably better.

He's been fair to offer a more practical alternative time to phone.

QuakerShaker · 30/12/2020 22:05

Wheresmykimchi Yes, sure, it's an "if". Hence the fact that the paragraph started with an "if".

But I see no signs at all that the OP is organising herself a fun Christmas as an independent adult, or is happy that her son is capable of doing the same. And the "my only child" line, coupled with the resentful rejection of both the reasonable alternatives offered by the son, doesn't half sound melodramatically dependent and demanding.

So on balance, I'm standing by that paragraph until there is any sign that it's inaccurate or improbable.

Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 22:38

@QuakerShaker

Wheresmykimchi Yes, sure, it's an "if". Hence the fact that the paragraph started with an "if".

So on balance, I'm standing by that paragraph until there is any sign that it's inaccurate or improbable.

All very clever , but a bit of a nasty blow to the OP if it turns out son is indeed all she has.

QuakerShaker · 30/12/2020 22:45

Wheresmykimchi Hmm, you seem to be constructing your own "if" situation there!

You go ahead and stick by yours, and I'll stick by mine.

Voice0fReason · 30/12/2020 23:21

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites
That's not really a very persuasive way of asking him to reconsider!

Janonomouse · 30/12/2020 23:28

I live on a different continent from my family and scheduling calls is generally fairly difficult when there's a significant time difference. Its particularly hard on Christmas if you're busy with cooking and/or hosting.

Particularly given that he said, ahead of time, that Christmas day would be difficult and he could call before or after the day, and you seemingly took no issue at the time, it looks like you were just itching to pick a fight.

Vitaminsss · 30/12/2020 23:30

You’re in the wrong for expecting him to do something he doesn’t want to. You obviously aren’t as close as you think you are (in his eyes) unfortunately

Vitaminsss · 30/12/2020 23:32

Also I think he was fair by informing you in advance. You did spoil it by trying to confront him and put him in his place. I agree with a PP, you’d have probably been just as annoyed that he couldn’t stay on the phone for 10 minutes etc

Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 23:34

@QuakerShaker

Wheresmykimchi Hmm, you seem to be constructing your own "if" situation there!

You go ahead and stick by yours, and I'll stick by mine.

Not really.

I'm erring on the side of caution and not making unecessary mean comments.

Hollyoakswatcher · 30/12/2020 23:35

I think it depends on the type of call it was going to be. DH and I normally alternate Xmas day and Boxing Day between parents (this year being the exception) therefore if I’m at DH’s parents on Xmas day I wouldn’t talk to my parents until Boxing Day and they would then have my full attention.

Maybe your son was thinking that you would prefer a proper conversation on Xmas eve or Boxing Day where he gave you his full attention, wasn’t worried about his guests and hosting and had more time, than just a quick five minute call on Xmas.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 30/12/2020 23:40

I think the key here is that you effectively told off your adult son. My goal is for my DC to grow up and have their own lives. Frankly I will become secondary to that as I bloody should be. It will mean I have done my job right.

I get to be an active parent now and I'm making the most of it but they don't owe me the rest of their lives. I want them to go on adventures , fall in love , make mistakes and all of that will mean having different priorities than ringing me. That's all good.

For a variety of reasons I won't go into , there will almost definitely be a time I'm on my own as DP will almost definitely go first. I have full intention of , if I'm in good health and have the money, travel the world , do everything I want to. Wear a sodding ballgown on a thursday and watch jane Eyre on repeat. If I can't my plan is to read everything I can get my hands on and find whatever new thing I can do in a chair. Life doesn't, and shouldn't revolve around my DC when they are adults.

If he is living his life you did your job well , why are you still trying to do it? It's a fast way to make sure you undo some of the work. It's never justified to pull a guilt trip like that. Of course it would have been nice to ring but what do you think you will achieve with your later conversation?

sproutburger · 30/12/2020 23:50

My mother and I don't have a close relationship and she's been pretty awful to me in the past. I've still managed to extract myself from wild parties, nightclubs, tantrumming up-too-late children and hillside walks to get in a 5-minute phone call most New Year's Eves for the last 15 years I've owned a mobile phone. Several of these have been from NZ so hardly a convenient time difference.

That said, DM still expects this to be a 45 minute chat and whinge about the washing machine not draining properly so if you're in the former group, yes he should have bothered, and if you're the latter, he did offer other times with the pretty good reason that he'd have guests so he couldn't just disappear for a proper call.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/12/2020 23:53

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day

And you wonder why he doesn't want to call 🙄🙄🙄

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/12/2020 23:57

I mean, a quick phone call with your mum on Christmas day doesn't sound like much to ask, does it? I think he should have stepped out for five minutes to call his mum

Did you call him though, or were you wanting him to call you? How is your relationship with your son in general?

JurassicParkAha · 31/12/2020 00:01

I'm really shocked at people's replies! I'm an only child and also hosted Xmas, my parents live in a different time zone by quite a few hours. But no way would I not have called to wish them on Xmas. And if my mum were upset by me not calling I most certainly would have. She gets on my nerves most times but i would hate upsetting her, esp if all i have to do is pick up the phone for a few minutes.

I don't know any of my friends who wouldn't call on Xmas, including a lot of whom do have contentious relationships with their parents. But some gestures are important and wishing your parents on big occasions is one of them.

I'm very sorry. Hopefully in time he'll learn to appreciate you more. Don't dwell on it though as he'll just get defensive. These are things that work themselves out in time.

Cyberattack · 31/12/2020 00:04

OP, I am sorry your son couldn't find 5 minutes to speak to you on Christmas Day because he was too busy partying.
Unless there is some massive back story here, I think it is the least he could do.

Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 00:04

So am I , Jurassic. Some really spiteful posts.

MadinMarch · 31/12/2020 00:16

Do most women expect their grown up son/daughters to put their entertaining on hold whilst they video call their mummy?

Well yes, I would definitely expect my young adult daughter to speak to me on Christmas day for 5 minutes if she was elsewhere.
It's a way to show someone you love them and they're important to you, and you appreciate them. It's not a huge ask really is it? It's just 5 minutes out of a whole day ffs regardless of any time difference. You're not asking them to run 1000 miles home to peel the spuds and hug grandma.

Proudboomer · 31/12/2020 00:18

A 5 minute phone call on Christmas Day from a child to their mum is not a lot to ask. I would be pretty gutted if my adult child couldn’t spare me 5 minutes no matter how busy socialising they were.

Wouldn’t need to be a video call or a long chat just a few words saying merry Christmas and have a nice day.

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