To expect a phone/video call from my only child on Xmas day?

[LittleJules59]

I had a What's App video call with my son today for the first time in a few weeks. I spoilt it by being annoyed that he hadn't called on Xmas day.

He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day.

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day. It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round.

Have been unreasonable (or possibly terribly unreasonable)?

I dread having to do tha calls on christmas. I'm expected to call mum, dad, grandparents and all 7 siblings separately. It eats into spending time enjoying christmas, none of them last 5 mins. Id be happy to call 1 or 2 people but if I call one the others get offended

Add to the list my in laws...calling all day

I hope the OP doesn't come back. Frankly, some of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. The spite and vitriol on here is appalling.

I hope the OP doesn't come back. Frankly, some of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. The spite and vitriol on here is appalling.

I agree. I actually do think the OP was being unreasonable (but for potentially really understandable reasons). But some of these comments are just... Wow. Incredibly harsh.

I had to read this twice to make sure it said DS as this post could easily have been written by my mum. She doesn't work or have any close friends, so she does not understand what it's like to be busy. And every phonecall there will always be a problem, either I have a missed call from her, I haven't texted her, why don't I ever message to say I miss her, why can't she see me. Or sometimes she calls to moan to me about my dsis and how my dsis is too busy or won't answer her phone. Every phone call lasts 30 mins to an hour, despite me saying mum Im cooking dinner, running a bath etc. She is so needy, and the more she clings on the more I feel I need to push her away. She's never happy, she always wants more. It's got to the point where I instantly feel annoyed when I see it's her calling. And when I have a spare hour when DD (3 months) is asleep I have to mentally prepare myself to call her back and get it over and done with. Op stop pushing your DS. Allow him to live his own life, don't critisize and nag him, and maybe you will see that he starts WANTING to call you and share himself with you. Don't make it into a situation where he is only calling you out of duty

My only child didn't call me, I called him, I tried to bring him up to be independent, not tied to me.

Like I said on another thread this week, what is the obsession with Christmas Day being some kind of precious day? He offered you alternatives and you declined, is the world really going to stop because it wasn't on a particular day?

I don’t get it either. It’s not surprising so many people are miserable if they’re putting everything on one day.

Also, if he is in the Far East which can definitely be more than 7+ time difference depending on where he is, when did she expect him to call? Maybe that is why he gave her the options to begin with. My parents are six hours and they video call us since lunchtime for us is 6 am for them, they also both work and go to bed really late on Christmas Eve so why would I want to chance waking them up earlier then they want to be.

If he lives in the Far East there must be time difference too? His Christmas was probably all but over by the time you got up. He offered to cam you on Boxing Day when he could give you his full attention not be juggling guests. Surely you'd prefer that? So yabu.

OP, You are not being unreasonable.

You are getting a hard time on here, maybe by people who have never been in a situation like this. I feel for you

This is one of the nastiest, most upsetting threads I've seen in a while, OP. I can only think people are projecting their own frustrated family situations onto you. And it is so depressing to see the number of people who see calling parents (or being called on Xmas) as a nuisance or a burden. People are far more tolerant of shitty partners who do f-k all for them. What a world. There is no hosting or cooking that doesn't allow someone to pick up a phone for 5 mins to wish, say they love you and then put the phone back down.

One of the things I love about Christmas in the Uk (as a foreigner) is how everyone makes a beeline for family, even if they know it will be stressful , because it's the one time in a year you get to spend quality time with them. You have every right to be upset, every right to ask him to call. Expecting your children to be considerate and empathetic of people's feelings (even their mothers!) is a good thing.

This is exactly the sort of thing my mother would post. And none of the facts she included here would be relevant contextual ones. (Such as: her idea of 5 mins is actually 35min in the middle of dinner/bedtime routine; we are in a double work household so commute on top of excessive work hours means our professional lives are something that is utterly alien to my mum as a woman who never worked; and she never calls me for anything other than chat about her neighbours who I do not know, never asks about her grandchildren and hasno idea what's going on in our lives by her own choice).

I purposely had to put better boundaries in place for dealing with this situation.

When DH and I were younger and both working in less pressured jobs, I'd be able to meet her visiting and phonecall expectations.. the moment kids came along, then a promotion, then in laws starting to expect us to do more.. I was truly at breaking point.

I only realised I needed to prioritise my needs when my mother fell out with me
(over something so trivial it was ridiculous - akin to buying a different brand of washing up liquid when I called around with shopping one week) and those 2 weeks were like going on holiday.. my stress levels reduced massively. No longer dreading the next way I'd disappointed her. No longer having to wonder if I could call hands free from the car so I'd be able to "tick off" calling her obligations during a traffic jam home etc..

What I'm saying op is... You sound as emotionally abusive and lacking in empathy as my mum, and we only have your side of the story.

Maybe it's about time you tell us what your son would say on her too?

What is the work context you're not telling us? Does he have kids? In laws? Timezone differences? Do you talk about mutually interesting topics?

And more importantly, what kind of phone do you have that cannot make calls? Do you have email etc? What other priorities is your son having to juggle?

It's not his fault he is an only child and you clearly have high expectations on him as a result. He even told you in advance and gave you two alternatives. He is an adult who is entitled to his own life. You owe him an apology.

@BillyElliotsLeftShoe

Why on earth would you assume that every mother is like yours?? Surely you can see you're just unloading a lot of bile on an Internet stranger based on your own life, that has nothing to do with the OP's post?

OP I'm sorry you feel so hurt. YANBU.

I'm also sorry you've had such vile and spiteful responses from some posters on this thread. Please try to remember pack mentality accounts for a lot of the nonsense responses you get sometimes.

Try to reach out to your DS, but fingers crossed he will understand why you're upset and apologise.

@JurassicParkAha

This is one of the nastiest, most upsetting threads I've seen in a while, OP. I can only think people are projecting their own frustrated family situations onto you. And it is so depressing to see the number of people who see calling parents (or being called on Xmas) as a nuisance or a burden. People are far more tolerant of shitty partners who do f-k all for them. What a world. There is no hosting or cooking that doesn't allow someone to pick up a phone for 5 mins to wish, say they love you and then put the phone back down.

One of the things I love about Christmas in the Uk (as a foreigner) is how everyone makes a beeline for family, even if they know it will be stressful , because it's the one time in a year you get to spend quality time with them. You have every right to be upset, every right to ask him to call. Expecting your children to be considerate and empathetic of people's feelings (even their mothers!) is a good thing.

Everything @JurassicParkAha just said.

Some really selfish attitudes displayed on this post. Thanking my lucky stars they are not my family!

@Nohomemadecandles

I hope the OP doesn't come back. Frankly, some of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. The spite and vitriol on here is appalling.

The OP won't be back because it was an obvious hand grenade post.

It's done well though. 5 pages bravo man.

It works both ways. DH is an only child and doesn't always call his mum on Christmas Day. He used to, but quite often got told that he was interrupting a film/tv programme so she couldn't speak.

She has never once called DH on Christmas day or on his birthday. She has never visited us once in our current house (we have lived here 15 years).

Your ds offered to call you around Christmas, you refused. My sister lives in Australia and doesn't phone our mum on Christmas Day as the timings are rubbish. They do speak on Boxing Day though. YABU.

I think posters really need to remember that there are always two sides to stories, and relationships are not always the storybook upbringing they had.

Some parents are narcissistic and toxic but don’t see it and demand things from their children without giving any sort of respect or love back. The fact that op mentions he’s an only child when it’s irrelevant could indicate that there is an enormous amount of pressure on him being the child. The fact that she lambasted him for daring to suggest it would be easier to call a day either side of Xmas when he wasn’t busy makes me think there is something deeper here than just a child who couldn’t be arsed to call.

I’d like to know what OPs relationship from her opinion is like before jumping on “he’s selfishl” bandwagon.

Also, from reading some of these replies I can see I’d be called a selfish horrific rude child because, shock horror, I didn’t call my parents on Xmas. But dig a little deeper and I’m depressed and finding it hard to pick up the phone truth be told, I’m also pregnant so spent most of the day trying not to vomit or asleep. They completely understood why I didn’t call (I did message them on Xmas day) because we have a good relationship and they have empathy and compassion. And also realise I’m an adult with other things going on and sometime life just gets in the way.

Telling him to get his priorities in order is vile though, and only serves to cut your nose off to spite your face.

Some really selfish attitudes displayed on this post.
Quite, but I suspect you wouldn’t like to be told so.

OP, I understand, you love your son and he’s the most important person in your life and you wanted him to prioritise you too, but kids, no matter their age don’t prioritise their parents until they truly understand the love it takes to care for someone all their life.
Don’t be disheartened OP, be proud of your son for hosting and having a group of friends to have round on Christmas Day. Talk to him on his terms for now because that’s what he’s able to offer at this time in his life and this is probably the best any man in a similar situation would offer too. It might hurt but you have to see it for what it is is and it’s not meant to hurt

One of the things I love about Christmas in the Uk (as a foreigner) is how everyone makes a beeline for family, even if they know it will be stressful , because it's the one time in a year you get to spend quality time with them. You have every right to be upset, every right to ask him to call. Expecting your children to be considerate and empathetic of people's feelings (even their mothers!) is a good thing.

You’re acting as if he didn’t call her at all. He let her know beforehand he was going to be busy Christmas Day and asked if she would like to talk on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Taking into consideration the time difference and how busy he was going to be perhaps he wanted to give her his full attention instead of a supposed five minutes which for all we know could be longer than she claims. He may have realised in the past it wasn’t enough time for them and wanted to move the call so they could talk longer.

He let her know before Christmas m, gave her options, and instead of simply asking how did things go with his party, how was his day, and what not, she berated him for not calling her on Christmas Day. If she didn’t agree with the options he gave, she should have said something beforehand not wait until after the fact. Both are adults here.

I genuinely think he should have made an effort to call on christmas day. But make your peace with him today or tomorrow if you can.

@jurrasicparkaha because my mum could legitimately garner a shedload of "poor mum, what a horrible adult child" responses here by being selective about the facts. The op is clearly only providing the context that suits her narrative. She sounds exhausting.

The reality is usually a lot more complex. Only a toxic mother would react like this (posting on the internet with information that is so incredibly black and white) to gain virtual back pat's... Rather than trying to actually understand her relationship with her son, and work to make it stronger.

But it's easier to just put all the pressure on him then moan to strangers about how selfish he is, isn't it?

I cannot believe these posts. I would never in a million years not speak to my mum on Christmas Day. Totally rude and completely unreasonable even if you did have guests.

I don't think it's rude so much as indicative of the kind of relationship they have and what kind of person he is. Rudeness isn't the same as not being close. Making a call out of duty doesn't mean someone is not rude. It's a shame when parent/children relationships end up this way, but sometimes they do. He isn't rude, he just isn't fussed. I'm sorry OP.

It's a shame when parent/children relationships end up this way, but sometimes they do. He isn't rude, he just isn't fussed. I'm sorry OP.

If he wasn’t fussed he wouldn’t have told her anything or try to schedule a time to begin with. I wonder if they had spoken on Christmas Day for five minutes, would she have complained that it wasn’t long enough or posted whether she was being unreasonable for wanting more than 5 minutes on Christmas Day from her son.

@phoenixrosehere

Her OP clearly states they normally manage a 5 min call on the day the last few years. I also read it as she told him at the time she wanted him to call on Xmas day but brought it up again when he did call.

Xmas eve and Boxing Day are not the same. If it was, people would be celebrating in the same way the whole week... You wish people on the day of something, that's why it's meaningful. If it's just about a chat that can happen on any day in December.

And frankly if days mean nothing, no one should call or greet people on birthdays, anniversaries, NYE. As long as you're in the ballpark of the day, that should be enough. Like work deadlines, hey I've told my boss I'll get it to her late but at least I've told her right?

If this were a woman getting upset her spouse didn't wish her on her birthday, because he was busy socialising, there'd be a completely different response. Parental relationships should carry the same respect.