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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a phone/video call from my only child on Xmas day?

181 replies

LittleJules59 · 30/12/2020 19:40

I had a What's App video call with my son today for the first time in a few weeks. I spoilt it by being annoyed that he hadn't called on Xmas day.

He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day.

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day. It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round.

Have been unreasonable (or possibly terribly unreasonable)?

OP posts:
WhatTiggersDoBest · 30/12/2020 20:25

I lived in the "far east" for 2 years. Absolutely impossible to get video calls to work properly at the best of times. Trying to slot them into a schedule on a busy day would have been impossible, especially if I'd wanted privacy to talk to a close relative. Also if he needs WiFi and is going to be somewhere without it, did you expect for him to pay for an international phone call?? Do you know how much those cost?
Sorry, but I think YABU to bring it up instead of valuing the time you get with him.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 30/12/2020 20:25

*Absolutely awful to get video calls to work properly at the best of times.

pigsDOfly · 30/12/2020 20:32

Goodness, I would never expect any of my children to call me on a specified day at my bidding.

I assume he's an adult, living so far from home as he does, so assume he has a life of his own.

Do most women expect their grown up son/daughters to put their entertaining on hold whilst they video call their mummy?

Dopeyduck · 30/12/2020 20:36

He’s been a bit thoughtless but YABU too! Life’s too short to be bitter and upset and fall out over these things. Call your son, tell him you love him and miss him and catch up. Honestly, you never know what’s around the corner, don’t waste time with upset and try to be positive.

Heyahun · 30/12/2020 20:42

He probably won’t be calling you next year after this or very often now at all tbh after you being so moany 😂

PurpleMustang · 30/12/2020 20:42

You are putting a lot of pressure on your kid because he is an only child. Why mention that he is an only child? How is it his fault and responsibility that he is an only child and therefore 'owes' you more? He gave you forewarning he was going to be busy. Not like he didn't or said he would call and didn't bother. My kid 'owes' me nothing but you seem to be one of those that are the I gave birth to you therefore you owe me brigade. I would rather my child enjoys our relationship that he wants to talk to me and would rather spend time when he is free than a 'duty' because you demand it

daisypond · 30/12/2020 20:46

But why didn’t you call him? If it was only for five minutes.

InTheLongGrass · 30/12/2020 20:56

YANBU to have liked to have spoken to him, but your response was totally unnecessary.
Time differences are a bitch. Add to that his day will be well started by the time you might contemplate a phone call, and he may well have gone out with others. Christmas day can be busy.
He offered you other opportunities. Did you speak to him on Christmas eve or boxing day?
Drop him a message apologising for your last call, and ask when would be good for a chat and a catch up?

Tal45 · 30/12/2020 21:00

@Ponoka7

It was fine to tell him that you were hurt, but not to start with the emotional blackmail or tell him that he has his priorities wrong.

Can you afford to call him again and apologise?

Agreed. It's not unreasonable to be sad that said he couldn't message you - but trying to guilt or manipulate him is not going to make him want to do it. Why not write him an email to apologise and say you miss him so much but you understand he has hi own life now.
SnapeSnapeSeverusSnape · 30/12/2020 21:04

Those posters saying why didn't OP phone him, she put in her post that he had messaged to say he "wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day"

Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 21:05

@SeasonFinale

Maybe he was upset that his only mother couldnt be arsed to call him. after all the phones work both ways you know.

Seriously though he told you he had company, he has contacted you before and after Chistmas. My parents live abroad and one son has also lived abroad. With time differences even with the best intentions from time to time you forget what the time is and before you know it is too late to call because of time differences. I think he realised that it may be difficult because they had guests.

I would move past this if I were you.

What thread are you reading, and other PP? He explicitly told her he wouldn't have time. Why would she cal?
Womencanlift · 30/12/2020 21:06

I cannot believe these posts. I would never in a million years not speak to my mum on Christmas Day. Totally rude and completely unreasonable even if you did have guests.

And even if they couldn’t get wifi for it to be a video call then a phone call would have been more than nothing.

Funny though that wifi would have been fine the day before or after but not on the day itself (I know OP didn’t mention that as a reason, I am referring to a pp who said that this could be a reason for not being in touch)

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 30/12/2020 21:08

I get why you’re feeling hurt I’m sure I would be but I voted YABU because your attitude towards it will make it worse. I’m not saying be a doormat but his reason for not calling you on Christmas Day is legit imo and you sound like you bit his head off for it. Hope you sort it out with him.

Feathersinthehead · 30/12/2020 21:15

How often does he call you the rest of the year?
Because if you’re not close, then he should manage a duty call on Christmas Day and your birthday.
I phoned my mum on Boxing Day, or possibly the day after, but we talk all the time. No coercion necessary, and no guilting.

Lairyfightzzzz · 30/12/2020 21:16

I speak to my mum every day. I genuinely can't imagine not calling her on Christmas day unless I had a terrible relationship with her.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 30/12/2020 21:16

YABVU

Lookslikerainted · 30/12/2020 21:18

I can understand why you’re hurt. I’m sorry. But he’s an adult now, you have to live your life and let him live his. It’s a shame he’s being selfish though.

Happytentoes · 30/12/2020 21:22

As someone who lived abroad for many years, & missed my mum every Christmas I was away, I would say you are totally unreasonable.
As adults we are not required to make our mothers a priority. It’s nice if we can; but your son is out there, living HIS life, not yours.
I hear you say you are disappointed but it sounds like you are trying to control him.
You obviously get that or you wouldn’t have asked. Time to apologise for the tone of the last call and get things back on track.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 30/12/2020 21:26

My mum is a twat and I still rang her Christmas Day.

mbosnz · 30/12/2020 21:27

He's clearly got you in his thoughts, and wants to speak to you, he's just juggling all the demands on his time.

I have to say, I'm working quite hard not to be like my Mum, who if she doesn't feel everything is exactly in keeping with according her fealty, really ties one on. Nothing more offputting. And I'd feel a bit silly that I'd done it thereafter.

Our kids do (hopefully) go on to have a life where Mum and Dad and sibs aren't first and foremost.

QuakerShaker · 30/12/2020 21:30

In the Far East he must be about 8 hours ahead of you. If he's having friends round then he probably wants to have a drink over Christmas lunch with them. By 5pm or 6pm (realistically the earliest you'd normally phone someone for a social call at a UK time of 9am or 10am) then they're all a bit merry, the party is going strong, they might be thinking of heading on out somewhere for dinner or something (everywhere is open as normal). I've done Xmas in the Far East with friends and this is how it goes.

This is not the time you want to commit to phoning your mum in the UK. You're just not in the right place mentally for that conversation, you have no privacy or quiet (apartments are tiny and walls are thin) and you probably won't remember anyway.

Plus if your mum is a joyless fun sponge who is weirdly dependent on you, demands a duty call on that date and no other, and for some reason can't organise herself any Xmas conversations with anyone else in her life, then you probably won't want to call anyway. Because it'll be depressing.

Wineinthegarden · 30/12/2020 21:33

Sitting on the fence here. My mother expects visits and calls but won’t reciprocate. I do it because it’s easier but you can’t expect all one way then sulk when it doesn’t happen. I’d love a call but it never happens!

Milkshake7489 · 30/12/2020 21:34

I don't understand why you are getting a hammering here OP.

Unless there's a huge backstory of abuse, your son should have taken 5 minutes to speak to you on Christmas day... it's hardly a lot to ask for.

Flowers
Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 21:38

@QuakerShaker

In the Far East he must be about 8 hours ahead of you. If he's having friends round then he probably wants to have a drink over Christmas lunch with them. By 5pm or 6pm (realistically the earliest you'd normally phone someone for a social call at a UK time of 9am or 10am) then they're all a bit merry, the party is going strong, they might be thinking of heading on out somewhere for dinner or something (everywhere is open as normal). I've done Xmas in the Far East with friends and this is how it goes.

This is not the time you want to commit to phoning your mum in the UK. You're just not in the right place mentally for that conversation, you have no privacy or quiet (apartments are tiny and walls are thin) and you probably won't remember anyway.

Plus if your mum is a joyless fun sponge who is weirdly dependent on you, demands a duty call on that date and no other, and for some reason can't organise herself any Xmas conversations with anyone else in her life, then you probably won't want to call anyway. Because it'll be depressing.

That last paragraph is unnecessary and brutal. You know nothing about oP
Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 21:38

OP - YANBU. sorry you're getting such a horrible time!