Page 4 | To expect a phone/video call from my only child on Xmas day?

LittleJules59 · 2020-12-30T19:40:32+00:00

I had a What's App video call with my son today for the first time in a few weeks. I spoilt it by being annoyed that he hadn't called on Xmas day. He had messaged me just before Xmas to say that he would have people round for Xmas day (they are a low Covid part of the far East) and wouldn't have time to speak to me, but could do it on Xmas Eve or Boxing day. I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day. It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round. Have been unreasonable (or possibly terribly unreasonable)?

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2020 00:29

@Milkshake7489

I don't understand why you are getting a hammering here OP.

Unless there's a huge backstory of abuse, your son should have taken 5 minutes to speak to you on Christmas day... it's hardly a lot to ask for.

Because she could have phoned him?

Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 01:00

@Nanny0gg, she couldn't have won this one.

DS explicitly said he wouldn't have time to speak.

If she'd have phoned to no/short response, PP would have chinned her for hassling him.

Bourbonic · 31/12/2020 01:52

Were you on your own for Xmas day? I think its really understandable that you feel disappointed. I couldn't imagine not calling my parents on Xmas day!

But you have to also consider whether its worth having the bad feeling over. I'd apologise and explain to your son.

HerRoyalNotness · 31/12/2020 01:54

Look, I had a controlling mother who expected a call ant x time on z day every week. We’re not in contact at all anymore. Let it go.

Unicornflakegirl · 31/12/2020 02:29

YABU, he gave you a few options when he had time for a catch up, not a duty call when his mind was elsewhere.

I'm not in the UK, I spoke to one parent late on Christmas Day and the other a few days later, both times when we had time and were not busy. I haven't managed to speak to all my siblings yet, though have messaged.
I'd rather speak when it's mutually convenient.

If my parents started going on at me when we talk I'd be annoyed that they were wasting the time we do have with moaning.

Kapalika · 31/12/2020 02:42

@QuakerShaker

In the Far East he must be about 8 hours ahead of you. If he's having friends round then he probably wants to have a drink over Christmas lunch with them. By 5pm or 6pm (realistically the earliest you'd normally phone someone for a social call at a UK time of 9am or 10am) then they're all a bit merry, the party is going strong, they might be thinking of heading on out somewhere for dinner or something (everywhere is open as normal). I've done Xmas in the Far East with friends and this is how it goes.

This is not the time you want to commit to phoning your mum in the UK. You're just not in the right place mentally for that conversation, you have no privacy or quiet (apartments are tiny and walls are thin) and you probably won't remember anyway.

Plus if your mum is a joyless fun sponge who is weirdly dependent on you, demands a duty call on that date and no other, and for some reason can't organise herself any Xmas conversations with anyone else in her life, then you probably won't want to call anyway. Because it'll be depressing.

Wow. That last paragraph is so unnecessary nasty. What kind of weirdness goes through someone’s mind to even think that.

Limpshade · 31/12/2020 02:48

I've lived in different countries - 8 hours apart, 12 hours apart etc etc - and have always managed to call my mum on Christmas Day. And yes I have kids as yes we spend it with friends, but 5 minutes?! It is absolutely NOT impossible, as a PP said I probably wouldn't have brought it up but you were not unreasonable to be put out. That's really piss poor IMO.

eaglejulesk · 31/12/2020 04:18

If he had already messaged you to explain that he would be busy on Christmas Day and would call at another time I fail to see what the problem is.

I also fail to see why, if it was so terribly important that you speak to him on Christmas Day, you couldn't phone him.

DeeCeeCherry · 31/12/2020 04:29

Plus if your mum is a joyless fun sponge who is weirdly dependent on you, demands a duty call on that date and no other, and for some reason can't organise herself any Xmas conversations with anyone else in her life, then you probably won't want to call anyway. Because it'll be depressing

Bloody hell. Fucked up jackanory response X 100. The crave around here to crow over and make an OP feel even more shit than she clearly already does, never ceases to amaze me

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2020 04:38

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites

Oh dear. This is classic emotional terrorism. If you don't call him, he could say the same to you, correct?

Furries · 31/12/2020 05:04

I find a lot of these responses really blooming weird.

There is no way I wouldn’t call my mum on Christmas Day. No matter how busy (not much in these times!) the day is. Even a 5 min “Merry xmas” call, with a longer call sorted for a day or two later. Especially if I was overseas.

And no, I am not a mummy’s girl - my mum can be irritating sometimes. But to blatantly indicate that you “don’t have time” for them is horrible. Five minutes - what does that really take out of your day?

If I’ve read it right, OP wasn’t demanding beforehand, but let her disappointment be known after the fact.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/12/2020 05:16

I told him that he needed to reconsider his priorites if he was too busy to give his mother five minutes on Xmas day

Hmm... this wasn’t the best phrase to use. The problem with it, to put it bluntly, is that adult children really do get to set their own priorities, which may or may not include their parents.

I do hope you can get over your resentment and repair your relationship with your son, remember, your goal is for him to want to talk you and be part of your life, not to talk to you out of obligation.

MrsOmelette · 31/12/2020 06:14

Yabu. I spoke to my daughter on Christmas Eve, had a lovely chat, she works such long hours that Christmas Day she deserved to spend exactly as she wanted to. Did I wish she was the type that had never left home or moved with work or didn’t work such long hours, yes of course I did but parental love shouldn’t be selfish! Why would you want to guilt an adult in to speaking with you? Also, if it is a big deal to you then give them respect and communicate that properly beforehand then leave it, their choice has been made and again you should respect that. Why are your wishes in life more valid than his??

madcatladyforever · 31/12/2020 06:27

I dont wait to be called. i just call him otherwise it can all get very heated.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2020 06:31

I remember running around Sydney trying to find a phone in the early hours of the morning of New Year's Day in my 20s because I have to speak to my parents on Hogmanay. Not duty or guilt but because I want to.

The weird guilt and shame and duty makes people avoidant. Knowing my mum would find it funny that I was pissed and in Australia was the reward.

I sense a back story here and the script needs rewritten, possibly from both sides.

bloodyhairy · 31/12/2020 06:35

YABU. I would just have been pleased that my child wasn't spending Christmas Day alone.

Parkandride · 31/12/2020 06:41

Many international siblings here on mine and DHs side on both sides of the globe. Family video calls this year came during the dog walk, trying to wrestle the turkey in the oven and meant we ran out of time to play the game we wanted after dinner.

Parents are insistent they go ahead, you can see the stress for others on the call as they try fit it into their days too. Its never 5 minutes and I'm not sure why a relaxed chat on a different day wouldn't work.

Love them all and want to talk to them btw!

TheShapeJaper · 31/12/2020 06:43

There’ll be a reason why he didn’t want to speak to you on Christmas Day. Have a good think about it.

wellthatsunusual · 31/12/2020 06:46

I have never called my mum on Christmas day. She is now elderly and I'm middle aged and we have a great relationship but a phonecall on Christmas day doesn't seem any different to any other day to me and she has never shown any interest in treating one day as more important than any other either. Our overall relationship is far more important than one phonecall.

blackcat86 · 31/12/2020 06:51

You sound like a high maintenence PITA! No wonder he didn't want to call you on Christmas day. As you say, you spoiled it when he did call you by complaining about what he didn't do. Do you always put yourself first or do you ever show any interest in his life and what he's been up to? The way you have described needing a phone call on Christmas from your only child sounds quite emotionally manipulative TBH. Its not your child's fault they have no siblings. It doesn't like you make much effort with the relationship but then sit back with the old but im their mother and therefore deserve xyz.

OnlyFoolsAndFuckers · 31/12/2020 07:42

It would have been 5 mins, as we've managed that in the last two years when he had friends round.

It seems strange to me that your son has previously made the effort to call you on Christmas Day, even when hosting friends, but this year made the decision not to. How did those previous phone calls go? Were you happy with the call or did you show any displeasure / guilt trip him about his priorities as it was only 5 minutes? Could he have offered alternative days so you could have a longer chat? According to your post, the circumstances are exactly the same as the previous two years so something must have made him decide not to call on the day this year.

I used to phone a particular family member for every “occasion” & they always found a way to bring me down. There would be passive aggressive remarks, complaints & no matter what I did, I was always the person in the “wrong”. In the end, I just stopped calling on the day as I was going to get shit regardless, so why let it ruin my day.

TipsieM · 31/12/2020 08:09

Many international siblings here on mine and DHs side on both sides of the globe. Family video calls this year came during the dog walk, trying to wrestle the turkey in the oven and meant we ran out of time to play the game we wanted after dinner.

Parents are insistent they go ahead, you can see the stress for others on the call as they try fit it into their days too. Its never 5 minutes and I'm not sure why a relaxed chat on a different day wouldn't work

Exactly. DH did call his mum on Christmas but that was made easier by:

No necessary coordination with his sister who lives in a very different time zone.

We had a really relaxed and small Christmas this year.

fairydustandpixies · 31/12/2020 08:11

I understand your frustration OP. DS2 aged 20 hasn't phoned, texted, sent a card or anything since July. I don't know why and I'm heartbroken.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 31/12/2020 08:12

The wording of the OP makes me suspect this is actually a reverse.

3ismylot · 31/12/2020 08:22

Like I said on another thread this week, what is the obsession with Christmas Day being some kind of precious day? He offered you alternatives and you declined, is the world really going to stop because it wasn't on a particular day?
Perhaps you should consider why you think you can demand he dance to your tune when he is an adult? Sounds like he moved to the far East for a reason!