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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:

littlebirdworrying · 29/12/2020 14:08

It's a dress from a movie she likes. I don't see the problem. Do your relatives have to check with you first for everything they buy?

emmaluggs · 29/12/2020 14:08

I dunno it seems a bit precious I guess, if someone is giving gift I don’t think you get to state what it can and can’t be (unless obviously dangerous or entirely inappropriate) the fact that she knows about frozen suggests that horse has already bolted in terms of princesses etc.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/12/2020 14:09

Your kid, your decision. But personally if she loves Frozen then that's as good as her asking for it. She's into princesses, like it or not, and your relative is just being nice and being excited for her. I bet you'd facilitate your DD's interests in other things and buy her stuff without specifically asking for items. If she's into cars, you'd buy her toy cars. I'm no Disney fan but there's only a certain amount you can mould your DD's interests.

HollowTalk · 29/12/2020 14:09

I think you're being ridiculous. You have sat your daughter in front of Frozen and yet you won't let her dress up - she really has no concept of princesses - and you made that decision when she was in the womb? And I agree with your relative again on why the hell you have to run that past your husband.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 29/12/2020 14:10

So you'd be fine with her being bought a firefighter outfit or vet dressing up set? Toy cars?

Having a mix of toys is the goal, as long as the mix excludes anything traditionally female-coded?

Brunt0n · 29/12/2020 14:10

I can’t imagine thinking this was a real problem.
Why did you let your child watch frozen if you didn’t want her to be into princesses?

Soubriquet · 29/12/2020 14:10

Yep yabu

It would probably make your dd so happy to get a dress of her favourite character

nosswith · 29/12/2020 14:11

I think your views should be respected. Views agreed between you and your husband. Views to have some part of childhood last a bit longer, it seems.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2020 14:11

But you are imposing your wishes on your DD. If she loves frozen it seems mean not to let relative buy frozen related presents. yabu

XmasBelle · 29/12/2020 14:12

Let it go

Tiktaktoe · 29/12/2020 14:12

So you tell your relative that your child loves frozen. Your relative then says they will buy a dress up costume of one of the characters and you turned it into a discussion around being more gender neutral!
Out of curiosity did your child specifically ask to watch the frozen movie?

ThePlantsitter · 29/12/2020 14:12

I think you have every right not to allow it if you don't want to. It is a struggle preventing the influx of pink and passive princessdom.

I would say that Elsa from frozen is a pretty powerful person to pretend to be, though, given she's already watching it.

PawPawNoodle · 29/12/2020 14:13

How exhausting. Why don't you ask your daughter if she'd like the dress rather than your husband, given she'd be the one wearing it if she'd like to.

By the way OP girls can like pink things and princess dresses and still have other interests that aren't specifically gendered toward them, and eventually grow up to be well-adjusted women with a range of things that they like. It doesn't need to be sterile wooden toys and educational books until she can vote.

FelicityPike · 29/12/2020 14:13

I agree with everyone else. YABVU.

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 29/12/2020 14:13

I think there's a happy medium between dressing her from top to toe in frilly dresses and not allowing any Princess stuff at all.

EagleFlight · 29/12/2020 14:13

Yes your views are to be respected but I think you are being really precious. I’m guessing this will go into the category of things you’ll back on and realise how ridiculous you were being (which we all do as parents).

yankeedoodledandee · 29/12/2020 14:13

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way

Yeah, I think you are a bit. The person was literally trying to do a nice thing.

and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

You can ask but you can't control what other people do.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 29/12/2020 14:14

I tried the gender neutral parenting too.

Dd is 3 now and currently lying on the floor beside me wearing her Belle princess dress, drinking from her Belle cup.

She loves all things sparkly and girly, despite having a range of toys to play with. I don’t see a problem with that, it’s my job as her mum to make sure that she doesn’t see femininity = weakness, and banning princess shit won’t stop that.

yankeedoodledandee · 29/12/2020 14:14

@XmasBelle

Let it go

JimandPam · 29/12/2020 14:15

@XmasBelle

Let it go

Damn-beat me to it!!

PinkiOcelot · 29/12/2020 14:16

YABVU and a bit ridiculous tbh.

Btw, we weren’t pregnant. You were pregnant.

Teach234 · 29/12/2020 14:16

What exactly do you think she gains by you not allowing her to wear a costume of a character she likes?

Moondust001 · 29/12/2020 14:16

If she loves Frozen, then I don't think anyone (apart, possibly, from Disney) is thrusting princess stuff on her. Whilst I agree with the principle of not doing the whole "pink" and "blue" things when that is associated with ridiculous stereotypes about boys and girls, I think it can be taken too far. And I think you've taken it too far. Even Disney has now (mostly) worked out princesses can be brave, adventurous, heroic, and still have pretty clothes. It isn't the clothes that make a person, it is who they are. In your place I would be more interested in ensuring my daughter (and sons possibly in the future) saw positive role models of all types, both female and male.

I think you have the right to tell people that you don't want certain things, even if you aren't being reasonable. But be prepared for no presents at all. Or a lot of people thinking that you are overly fussy and unreasonable.

Winegumaddict · 29/12/2020 14:16

I think you're being unreasonable. She likes frozen what's wrong with dressing up? My DDs have frozen dresses, they also have mermaid costumes, Dr sets, vet sets etc etc. All are played with and enjoyed. They are also quite happy climbing trees and riding their bikes. I don't try and shape their interests but I do try and expose them to lots of options.

ZoeTurtle · 29/12/2020 14:16

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way

Yes

and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

She's already "asked" for it. She loves Frozen and would almost certainly love an Elsa dress.

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