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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
saraclara · 29/12/2020 14:34

I think this is something you'll look back and cringe about

Yep. We all have those things. I wish MN had been around to put me straight when mine happened..I'd have been able to quickly put it right and apologise, instead of not realising until too late, and still feeling bad about it 30 years later.

Jollibeezus · 29/12/2020 14:34

If you’re kid loves Frozen then you’ve already introduced the princess stuff op - too late to change that now!

Just let her have the dress. Get some other stuff to balance it out if you feel you need to. For what it’s worth my parents were like you long before it was fashionable - no barbies, no overtly girly glittery stuff - I just wanted it all even more.

HelplessProcrastinator · 29/12/2020 14:34

NowellSingWe My 13 had a Toronto onesie 😄 she had graduated from princess dresses to Anime cosplay. She is equally herself in men’s khakis and t-shirts or cute Japanese outfits with a ton of makeup. She is independent, argumentative, stubborn and a fierce feminist and wants to be a politician. This us despite the princess dresses, barbies and monster high. Banning this things will make them more desirable.

Propercrimbo2020 · 29/12/2020 14:35

My 3 year old (boy) has Spiderman and Batman dress up clothes....and also has an Elsa dress.

He likes playing with cars and motorbikes.....and also asks me to paint his nails.

He loves football....and also like pushing his cousins dolly's around in the pushchair.

My view is that he likes lots of things. If he asks to do/have something 'female' I will let him. It's all fun, it's letting him know he has choices, it's allowing him to just be a kid.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/12/2020 14:35

If she's old enough to watch frozen and like it, you know full well its horse has bolted. Ask yourself whether she hasnt asked for it because she doesnt know it exists, or because she wouldn't be bothered about it?

I totally get it OP. I resented my 1 year old being plastered in pink before she was even aware of anything.

But it doesnt have to mean exclusion of pink things, it means variety and not allowing pink stuff to dominate. Offering dolls/princess dress up alongside duplo, trains, craft stuff etc, and offering boys the same variety you offer girls.

hiredandsqueak · 29/12/2020 14:35

I think you are being a bit precious and I say that as a mum who didn't want my boys playing with guns, didn't buy them and quickly realised that everything they touched from Lego to Meccano could be fashioned into guns and played with so felt slightly foolish.
Thank fully my dd is far more relaxed about dgs and has established something called Granny's privilege which means that so long as I don't overdo it I can buy dgs whatever I want.

ittakes2 · 29/12/2020 14:36

You said yourself she loves frozen! You are not really giving her the range you think you are giving her if you are restricting the range.

jessstan1 · 29/12/2020 14:38

"...we were pregnant".

Only you was pregnant.

Nothing wrong with your 'relative' buying a dress from 'Frozen' if your little girl likes the film. Don't be a wally.

Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:42

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

If she's old enough to watch frozen and like it, you know full well its horse has bolted. Ask yourself whether she hasnt asked for it because she doesnt know it exists, or because she wouldn't be bothered about it?

I totally get it OP. I resented my 1 year old being plastered in pink before she was even aware of anything.

But it doesnt have to mean exclusion of pink things, it means variety and not allowing pink stuff to dominate. Offering dolls/princess dress up alongside duplo, trains, craft stuff etc, and offering boys the same variety you offer girls.

This is true... I honestly hadn’t thought about it this way.

We don’t exclude pink things, we let her have a variety... I hadn’t thought having other dress up things to balance it out.

I think a lot of this was that I had a lot of girly stuff pushed on me as a child and forced to wear dresses which I hated so I didn’t want to do the same thing with my children. I wanted them to have a selection of things and not force specific things on them.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 29/12/2020 14:42

this sounds like a crazy feminist hill to die on... she has decided, she likes frozen so let her have the frozen mechindice.

I thought this was going to be a please dont buy this because we plan to etc... but no, you reasoning just sounds crazy.

BasiliskStare · 29/12/2020 14:42

Honestly - My MIL bought loads of things for Ds. Some I asked her not to - but she did , some were great and he loved them. I do not think you can dictate what people want to buy for your DC. You can ask , but not dictate.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/12/2020 14:45

My DD has several Disney Princess dresses, and a few non-Disney dresses. She pairs them up with a tricorn hat, cutlass and eye patch to be a pirate princess! She also plays with dinosaurs, a tractor, dolls, shop til, etc.

I know what you might be getting at OP that if you allow one thing then it'll snowball into aaaaaall the versions of it being bought. But a single dress from a favourite film does not mean she will be locked into gender stereotypes. Also, she's going to get this sort of thing at nursery where they have dressing up boxes etc. Give her a variety of choices, put things away or ask for some stuff to be stored at other folks houses for when she visits.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2020 14:46

I wanted them to have a selection of things and not force specific things on them but she doesn't have a selection of things, she has the things you've decided won't damage her. Tel your relative you were being a bit PFB and daughter would love that for her birthday. Then buy her a reindeer or troll costume too

Attictroll · 29/12/2020 14:46

Agree that it's partly your fault for exposing her to the princess crap through letting her see Frozen. But also agree with you about avoiding dress up. My approach has always been path of least resistance which is let relative buy said horror then hide it and put it new in one of the Christmas gift donation boxes the next Year.
DC have never seen a princess movie with me - reported back seeing frozen as end of school treat recently and how boring it is 😀

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 29/12/2020 14:46

The only people being problematic here are you and your husband.

Dressing up is so amazingly good for children; for their development and their imagination. It's like wearing a mask; when you're in costume you can express yourself in ways you just cant when you're dressed as yourself. It's great for children to be able to grasp that and use their imagination.

I honestly think that the dress up box is one of the most important things you can have from toddler age up to mid/end of primary school. And it should be full of all sorts of things; costumes of characters they love, costumes of villains they love to hate, items and fun pieces they can turn into their own character. Putting limits on that and refusing items because they are princess dresses is stifling and controlling. You arent expanding her world view by banning princess items. You are shrinking her outlook.

She should have princess dresses, and jessie the cowgirl outfit, and superhero costumes, and peasant village costumes, queen robes, emergency worker outfits. Everything. You should be encouraging her to dress up as all of those and act out scenes and play. You should be doing that with her.

I have 2 boys. They've always had costumes for both sexes, and they've acted out scenes as both sexes. It's just good fun; that's all. My youngest son was obsessed with Rapanzul and had this really long wig for it. He is also absolutely mad about Vibe (from The Flash) but you cant buy a costume for that so I has to make it. The sex doesnt matter; princess or magic or superhero of villain does not matter. She should have access to all of it and you should encourage her to be all of it.

Your views are the problem here. Teaching her that being girly is wrong is no better than dressing her in pink frilly clothes for her whole life.

earthyfire · 29/12/2020 14:47

Way OTT. The only thing I was opposed to my kids having as toys were play guns or toys of violence but no one ever bought them any so it was never an issue

PrincessBuggerPants · 29/12/2020 14:48

If you had a boy, what woul you restrict?

Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:48

@SleepingStandingUp

I wanted them to have a selection of things and not force specific things on them but she doesn't have a selection of things, she has the things you've decided won't damage her. Tel your relative you were being a bit PFB and daughter would love that for her birthday. Then buy her a reindeer or troll costume too
What does PFB mean?

But yeah having a bit of a moment sounds like what has happened.

OP posts:
JustOneMoreStep · 29/12/2020 14:48

YABU and in my experience risk your child resenting you in the not too distant future. My sister did similar when her kids were little and all it served to do is cause friction in the family and both her children are dissapointed at not having 'normal' childhood photos to look back at.

Inthemuckheap · 29/12/2020 14:49

You can't control everything. Let them buy what they want. Whether you then not give it to her or take it from her it your decision.

You sound very precious - PFB? And as PP said You were pregnant not we were pregnant.

Bakingcupcake · 29/12/2020 14:49

Is there a back story with said relative...ie is it MIL lol....as others have said you cant stop her being into girly things and if she would like it its fair enough...but it seems this is deeper than a princess dress

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 29/12/2020 14:49

I had to wear dresses as a child too which I hated but the things that I thought most unfair where I was being treated differently, were opportunities my brother got that I didn't. Especially around sports where he got to join a youth team and I got to help out in the kitchen Hmm

I think if you relax on the princess dress but make sure she has the opportunities to try any sports, games or technology she wants that would be more truly gender neutral.

Bookworm65 · 29/12/2020 14:50

we were pregnant

Did he give birth too?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 29/12/2020 14:51

My point there was that my son could dress up as a princess and put on a silly skit, and then he could dress up as a bad ass superhero and put on a silly skit or run around being Vibe for the day. Now on cared. No one said "oh, he shouldn't have access to masculine costumes incase he embraces toxic masculinity" or "he shoildnt have a princess outfit because he is a boy".

People dont care. But you're turning this into something wrong, which makes what should be fun, developmental and imaginative play a taboo subject in your home

dottiedodah · 29/12/2020 14:51

I honestly think this is being blown out of all proportion here TBH! DD likes watching pretty princesses and dressing up to be like them .Most DC like this sort of thing! My own DD loved her Bridesmaid dress, and spent hours playing in it! She is not alone I doubt! Obviously dont have too much pink ,but Elsas dress is pale blue!