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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Nohomemadecandles · 30/12/2020 21:47

Jesus - does nobody read updates?? Cancel the ch...

smilingontheinside · 30/12/2020 21:50

My daughter wore princess dress up, tutus, pink shoes, etc. But she also climbed trees, played with mud, jumped in puddles and collected bugs. In her 20's now the least girly girl you could imagine despite long flowing beautiful hair and eyelashes most girls get glued on. No good trying too hard to be gender neutral just make sure there's a good mix and let your child take the lead. My dil tells family what to buy the children for birthday/Christmas etc and I just live it when one of the gc particularly loves a gift that wasn't "on her list" & plays with it most of the time, children know what they like 😉

Troublewithtribbles · 30/12/2020 22:00

Just wait until they get to the age where pink, sparkles and anything colourful is the worst thing ever! I never, ever thought I would even a tiny bit be nostalgic for the pink, purple, princesses, unicorns and sparkly phase. I felt like we were swimming in it for so long. They grow up fast, however and the phases do move on. I love my DD’s independence now and thoroughly support her as I feel that giving them the freedom to be who they need/want to be (as long as safe/sensible etc...) is “a big bit important” to use a phrase from my DD’s toddler years Smile) but I am a teeny bit nostalgic too. I understand, but we absolutely cannot control every influence on our children, other than to try and encourage them into being well rounded individuals. Princesses are frustrating, but more grown up monochrome child is in a way no more enthralling! Wink

Happycat74 · 30/12/2020 22:16

You are being ridiculous. What harm will it do her dressing up in a princess dress? The world has gone mad.

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 30/12/2020 22:24

Is this a joke?????

saraclara · 30/12/2020 22:28

@Happycat74 @Skyla2005 @girlcrushonvillanellerl @Chessandcheese and all the others to whom it applies, for goodness' sake click on 'see all' on OP's posts.

You sound insane posting what you have, when the OP has entirely changed her mind after reading people's responses and deserves to win 'most reasonable and responsive MNer of 2020'.

jelly79 · 30/12/2020 22:41

Give her choices of toys / costumes / books let her gravitate to what she likes. This will change daily.

Why restrict and control gifting unnecessarily.

Lickedmylollyandneversaidsorry · 30/12/2020 23:24

@XmasBelle

Let it go
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Mamanyt · 30/12/2020 23:38

If she likes Frozen, I don't see the harm at all. It does seem a bit precious. However, if you feel strongly about it, you feel strongly about it. I might have said, "Thank you, but at her age, a Frozen doll or stuffed Olaf might be better. We can leave the dress for when she's old enough to really appreciate it."

girlcrushonvillanelle · 30/12/2020 23:47

@saraclara my posts weren't necessarily aimed at the OP thank you. Are you the thread police?

PastaPins · 30/12/2020 23:53

You are being ridiculous

myfaceismyown · 31/12/2020 00:54

OP I did exactly what you are doing when my daughter was tiny. No to anything pink and frilly, no Barbies, no Princessy nonsense. Tried the whole gender neutral thing. Actually did a lot more harm than good as I irritated family and friends, and then at nursery school my daughter was upset and lonely. I didn't find this out until many years later when she told me. She said that she felt left out and weird that she did not have any of the things her friends had and could join in with their games. Being told that, when she was 14, gave me a dreadful eye opener. So now she is in her early twenties and has a very princessy pink bedroom - her money, her choice! Your rules are fine for what you give her, entirely your decision, but rejecting well meaning gifts is not the way to go from my experience.

Suebreo · 31/12/2020 06:47

Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is to short.

HelloitsmeMargaret · 31/12/2020 07:08

@Mucholoco I came here to say 'but Elsa has powers!' then I read on a bit and wanted to say 'being 'girlie' is not a bad thing!' but I then I read all your posts and now I want to say what a wonderful parent you are. And fantastic you were able to laugh with the relative (MIL?).

You're not wrong to question the incessant gender segregation of toys/clothes but it's the 'girls stuff = bad' narrative that is just as damaging.

FoodologistGirl · 31/12/2020 08:40

My daughter was very in to princess stuff when little, now she’s a scientist on her way to being a doctor. As the Elsa would say ‘let it go’

BackBoiler · 31/12/2020 08:41

My kid puts on her "princess" dress and then collects snails and worms in a bucket. She plays with whatever she likes to play with unless it's dangerous!

ticklycough · 31/12/2020 09:15

You can’t request presents and it’s ungracious to refuse gifts also. Your daughter is into Frozen so she would be delighted with the dress. I have a 3yr old dd and up until recently she had no interest in dolls as loved playing with my nephews cars. She’s just started watching Frozen and had lots of Frozen related Christmas presents, she’s thrilled with them all! She still likes her old toys so don’t worry it’ll be princess stuff all the way now.

Longtalljosie · 31/12/2020 09:32

I think one thing to consider is that without meaning to you are repeating your parents’ pattern of behaviour. They thought that girls should be pink and sparkly and limited your choices. You feel they should not and are limiting choices too. I do understand why - the non-gendered toys thing was all the rage when I had DD1. I had the first sense I had been wrong when a friend put her kids into Cubs rather than Brownies as she didn’t want her doing “girly stuff”. Suddenly I thought - what are we saying to girls about what it is to be a girl? Not that I had done much as there had been an avalanche of pink anyway from relatives so my choices just broke it all up a bit.

Is pink a bit toxic? Yes I still think so. But are we also in danger of creating the impression that girls = lesser if we’re not careful (exactly the opposite of what we’d hoped?) yes also, I think

Ozzie77 · 31/12/2020 09:40

What if the relative just bought the dress without telling you? Would you give it back or throw it away? If your DD likes frozen, she is probably into princesses. She's only just over 2 years old and isn't going to say to you I don't want pink or princess stuff. I think she would be really excited to get a dress like that and you would probably find she won't want to take it off! Let her be a child!

WilsonMilson · 31/12/2020 09:40

Get over yourself. It’s a dress, who cares?! Why are you steering her away from femininity? Would you object to a more masculine outfit?

bemusedmoose · 31/12/2020 09:59

I think both of you are a bit over the top.

Now I don't like the whole princess thing but that's a whole other thread! I've not given her stuff like that but I've not stopped other giving it either.

Like you said - she needs to experience a range of play things and dressing up like her favourite movie is one of those things.

There's no saying your daughter will like dressing up anyway - lots just aren't into it.

Aglet · 31/12/2020 11:27

I'm not surprised at the response from younger people who don't seem to respect others, but wouldn't dream of allowing anyone else to tell them how they should and shouldn't raise their own kids, and who think it perfectly normal to indulge every whim of their children, who absolutely must have the latest "thing", regardless of whether they're old enough to appreciate it. Who are these indulgences really for?

Tempusfudgeit · 31/12/2020 11:31

It's a blue dress, anyway ...

Nohomemadecandles · 31/12/2020 11:43

@WilsonMilson

Get over yourself. It’s a dress, who cares?! Why are you steering her away from femininity? Would you object to a more masculine outfit?
She did. Pages ago. In one of the best AIBU responses for ages. For gods sake at least read the OP updates before you swoop in.
Yeahnahmum · 31/12/2020 11:49

I am with you
Stop dressing girls in dresses and pink shit.
It is just setting them up to be valued for looks later in life.
Plus, yes she likes frozen. Doesnt mean she needs the dress.
Stick with your principles.

I get sick of people buying stereotype toys/clothes for kids.