Page 6 | Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

2pinkginsplease · 29/12/2020 15:10

I think you are being ridiculous.

I work in early years and all the children enjoy dressing up as workers on a building site as much as they like dressing up as firefighters and princesses. ITs dress up clothes, you really are making mountain shopping out of molehills!

TeachesOfPeaches · 29/12/2020 15:10

Would you allow the else dress if your child was a boy?

Christmasfairy2020 · 29/12/2020 15:11

So a male family member aged 5 is allowed to wear a frozen dress but your daughter is not?

Original poster

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:11

@SkittlesRainbow

It seems like you are taking the feedback on board here but on first reading it made me think you were controlling and trying to impose things on your daughter rather than the other way around. Sounds like you have a history of that being done to you, and that by trying to prevent that happening you have gone to the other extreme.

It might have been easier for you if you'd had a boy first. I think then you would see that there is a lot you can't control. My daughter has grown up with her 18m older brother's hand me downs - toys, clothes, TV shows etc. We didn't buy her much of anything pink, or expose her to a world of princess stuff as she was surrounded by trains, cars, and building blocks. Yet before she turned three she was somehow into pink everything, Frozen, dress up, barbies and dolls. It made me realise it is instinctive and that she was naturally into this sort of 'girly' stuff. Boys stuff is generally less gendered, yet my son is now 5 and obsessed with everything the colour purple and loves his shoulder length curly hair that I am not allowed to cut!

I have also been annoyed with things relatives have gifted. When my daughter was a baby my nan had a pram that she said she would give us once my daughter was old enough. She never thought to let my son have a play on it. She also bought my daughter a hell of a lot of cleaning stuff (a Dyson, a broom, mop and bucket), and I dont know why! I kind of chuckle to myself at the more rigid views the older generations can have about gender. I know this won't influence my children as they see my husband and I sharing these roles and that's what's important. My daughter and son play together so all this stuff gets shared anyway - apart from the the dolls which my son has zero interest in whatsoever!

I am sure you are doing a brilliant job of trying to bring your daughter up in a world where there are no limits to her options because of her gender. So its okay to let go a little bit of all the rules and round stopping girly things. Because as soon as she goes to pre-school / school she will not have you there to stop her anyway.

@SkittlesRainbow Yes, this was the reason I posted on mumsnet, as you get brutal honesty from people.

And I hadn’t thought about balancing it out with other outfits... as there are other things that she enjoys like swashbucklers so she could have a pirate outfit also.

But yes I had girly stuff pushed on me and I turned out to be a tomboy 😄 and I just didn’t want to do that to little one as I remember how much I hated it when I was younger.

We have gotten her other frozen bits like a plate and bowl and that is her fav to eat from at the moment 😁 so I’m not opposed to her having girly things just not everything under the sun.

OP posts:

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 29/12/2020 15:11

I hate cheapo fancy dress synthetic Disney film fast fashion so I sympathise.
But sometimes it's not worth risking the upset & offence that might be caused when you request people don't buy your children a pile of plastic crap as a present. I would have probably bit my tongue & only brought the dress out on 'special occasions'.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 29/12/2020 15:11

I am sick of reading stuff like this on here.

I think a lot of this was that I had a lot of girly stuff pushed on me as a child and forced to wear dresses which I hated so I didn’t want to do the same thing with my children. I wanted them to have a selection of things and not force specific things on them

Your DD is not you. Nor is she an extension of you and your DH.
You ARE forcing stuff on her. YOUR choices, YOUR preferences, YOUR prejudices.
Just stop it.

CoffeeRunner · 29/12/2020 15:12

PFB = precious first born.

My DD had an Elsa dress at 4. If it helps she has never liked, or chosen to play with dolls and now at age 9 will not wear pink or have anything to do with unicorns .

Your DD is her own person. She will decide what she likes for herself as she grows. Even as young as 3, you will start to see her own personality & preferences come through. Absolutely offer her a full range of toys & colours. But ultimately she will decide what she loves & what she doesn’t.

SkittlesRainbow · 29/12/2020 15:12

@MadameButterface

Imo all the snooty ‘ugh i hate princessy things’ you hear from people just serves to reinforce the notion that stereotypically ‘girly’ things are a bit sad and crap, whereas stereotypically ‘boyish’ things are superior. I’d rather foster a love for glitter and princesses than internalised misogyny personally

@MadameButterface I think this is spot on. The banning of things we brand as 'girly' only adds to this misogynistic problem. I hadn't thought of this before, but I often feel embarrassed for liking pretty things and 'girly' colours even though I am a strong woman, and I reckon its because of this exact reason! I would hate for my daughter to feel bad for not being into gender neutral items. Let them be and let it go - as PP says!

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 29/12/2020 15:12

You are also projecting.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 29/12/2020 15:12

I'm going to be honest I am a tom boy. Think tinkering with cars, motorbikes, go-karts etc. As an adult don't really do pink and stuff. However my daughter when young (until 7) was the girliest girl I've ever met. Had no idea what to do with her. Thankfully my Mum knows about pink and glitter and pretty dresses and hair and nails so she helped me 🤣 Personally though I'd let your relative buy her the dress, it won't do any harm.

Wrt 'we were pregnant' that you are getting flamed for. Seriously?! Its just an expression. Who cares, we all knew what you meant.

AlwaysCheddar · 29/12/2020 15:13

You’re such a killjoy! Jeez! Let her have a dress!

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 29/12/2020 15:13

I have a 15 year old very boyish , sporty boy and he often opts for pink t shirts

TragedyHands · 29/12/2020 15:14

I take it she's your first and only.

XelaM · 29/12/2020 15:14

You have been rude (and weird) to your well-meaning relative. You don't get to pick your gifts. My (now 10-year-old) hates frilly princess dresses and has done since she was around 5, even though my in-laws always buy the most ridiculous faux-diamond-encrusted ball gowns for her and have done since she was a baby. We smile politely and say "thank you- it's beautiful" and then give or store it away. No one is going to get damaged by a princess dress. You're acting nuts

Marzipan12 · 29/12/2020 15:14

I would let them buy it. I have a boy and a girl and when they where little they shared the same dressing up box which contained everything from fire fighters and doctors to princesses and the tweenies. They both wore everything and played some amazing imaginative games. People really over think the whole princess thing, at tne end of the day it's just playing pretend in tne same way that pretending to be a jungle explorer or Bella from tweenies is.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2020 15:17

@Attictroll

Agree that it's partly your fault for exposing her to the princess crap through letting her see Frozen. But also agree with you about avoiding dress up. My approach has always been path of least resistance which is let relative buy said horror then hide it and put it new in one of the Christmas gift donation boxes the next Year. DC have never seen a princess movie with me - reported back seeing frozen as end of school treat recently and how boring it is 😀

What's wrong with dress up??

Original poster

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:17

@CoffeeRunner

PFB = precious first born.

My DD had an Elsa dress at 4. If it helps she has never liked, or chosen to play with dolls and now at age 9 will not wear pink or have anything to do with unicorns .

Your DD is her own person. She will decide what she likes for herself as she grows. Even as young as 3, you will start to see her own personality & preferences come through. Absolutely offer her a full range of toys & colours. But ultimately she will decide what she loves & what she doesn’t.

@CoffeeRunner

Thank you for that, hadn’t seen that one on here before.

Her personality is coming through for sure, she loves playing with all sorts but does have her favourites and I don’t force her to play with anything she doesn’t want to. She knows what she likes that’s for sure 😁

OP posts:

diamondpony80 · 29/12/2020 15:19

I don't set any "rules" for my relatives on what to buy or what not to buy for my kids. If there was something I really didn't want my kids to have I'd accept the present (it'd be rude not to), and then just put it away or give it to charity. If your daughter likes Frozen and YOU let her watch it then I really don't see what the problem is though.

Original poster

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:19

@letsnotscaretheneighbours

I'm going to be honest I am a tom boy. Think tinkering with cars, motorbikes, go-karts etc. As an adult don't really do pink and stuff. However my daughter when young (until 7) was the girliest girl I've ever met. Had no idea what to do with her. Thankfully my Mum knows about pink and glitter and pretty dresses and hair and nails so she helped me 🤣 Personally though I'd let your relative buy her the dress, it won't do any harm.

Wrt 'we were pregnant' that you are getting flamed for. Seriously?! Its just an expression. Who cares, we all knew what you meant.

@letsnotscaretheneighbours

Thank you for the ‘we were pregnant’ it’s just how I typed it out. The things that people pick out....

OP posts:

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 29/12/2020 15:20

FWIW, My Mum wouldn't buy me anything that didn't interest her.

I had lots of craft, lego, books, jigsaws, games when I was young yet all I wanted was baby dolls, a dolls house. Sindy dolls, makeup sets and pretty clothes.

Thankfully, I had Grandparents who realised this and bought me the things I was interested in and I loved them for it.

I was not at all 'girly' as a teenager and am not now.

Bonnieonthelam · 29/12/2020 15:20

@Mucholoco

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

You are killing this relationship with unkindness. It’s just weird. A gift should be received with thanks. What you do with it is up to you.

Original poster

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:21

@2pinkginsplease

I think you are being ridiculous.

I work in early years and all the children enjoy dressing up as workers on a building site as much as they like dressing up as firefighters and princesses. ITs dress up clothes, you really are making mountain shopping out of molehills!

@2pinkginsplease

Thank you for this.

OP posts:

LittleRa · 29/12/2020 15:22

OP, if you aren’t keen on the full on Disney princess costumes (as a PP said they can be a bit synthetic), how about a compromise on some Frozen themed clothing such as these from H&M (see attached). Could be enough for your daughter to role play in without you feeling it’s too full on.
For what it’s worth, I think you were being a bit precious, and a range of dressing up costumes, including princesses, is a good idea. For context, I have a 6yo DD who loves her Snow White dress but also dressed up as Ian from Onward for Halloween (google it to see the character!). When I was a child we had a dressing up chest that mostly contained my parents’ old clothes! My sister and I loved dressing up in my Dad’s 80s string vest and Mum’s shiny silky slips
However I can see from your replies on this thread that you are taking comments on board. This parenting lark can be a minefield!

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

RickiTarr · 29/12/2020 15:23

@HollowTalk

I think you're being ridiculous. You have sat your daughter in front of Frozen and yet you won't let her dress up - she really has no concept of princesses - and you made that decision when she was in the womb? And I agree with your relative again on why the hell you have to run that past your husband.

This, really.

I understand the embargo on Princesses -good idea - but if you were even slightly serious about doing that, you wouldn’t let her watch Disney Princess films.

NerrSnerr · 29/12/2020 15:25

My mum was the complete opposite when I was a child. I wasn't allowed pink and there is no way I would have ever been allowed an Elsa dress if they existed.

I bought my daughter a range of fancy dress stuff (mostly picked up from the charity shop). She is now 6 and she has never gone for the princess dresses, she will dress up as a PJ mask or Horrid Henry the most, sometimes with fairy wings. Her favourite colour is green. She's nearly 3, old enough to know what she likes when it comes to fancy dress.

My little boy is 3 and he tends to dress up as a witch (complete with dress), a dinosaur or Catboy.