Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

Yabu. My 2 year old son has a frozen dress cos he loves Elsa!

Op I won't be mean because I was a bit unreasonable when ds was little tbh.

As one mother to another you are being silly. When dd was that age she had an Elsa dress, doctor, vet, builder, ballerina and hair dresser costumes. She's 10 now, she will NOT wear a dress for love nor money.

Honestly it's all about balance

Yabu to say WE were pregnant

Why is a tea set a girly thing? That was the most appreciated thing we gave DS last christmas (ok technically we said father christmas)

You can't be snobby about dresses if you're saying a tea set is appropriate etc.

And yes, I did let DS try some make up on the other week. He hasn't asked again. If he wants to wear pink, he can.

Oh and yes, you were the only one who was pregnant. If you're so intent on teaching your daughter to be a strong women then dont start crediting your husband with the most female thing there is, and the thing you did. He did not carry a child for almost a year nor did he birth that child. That was you and it is OK for you to own that. You dont need to share that credit just to be kind and include a man in it.

I’m not opposed to girly things as she has a dolly and baby she plays with, a little tea set etc.. This bit confuses me. You don’t want her to emulate a strong female role model, who doesn’t hang about waiting to be saved by a handsome prince, but does a bit of saving herself iirc, but you’re ok for her to emulate ‘mummy’ who is responsible for caring for children and being all domesticated with her tea set? I’m not saying that either is right or wrong. I just don’t understand why gender specific toys are ok but gender specific clothing isn’t.

@XmasBelle

Let it go

It seems like you are taking the feedback on board here but on first reading it made me think you were controlling and trying to impose things on your daughter rather than the other way around. Sounds like you have a history of that being done to you, and that by trying to prevent that happening you have gone to the other extreme.

It might have been easier for you if you'd had a boy first. I think then you would see that there is a lot you can't control. My daughter has grown up with her 18m older brother's hand me downs - toys, clothes, TV shows etc. We didn't buy her much of anything pink, or expose her to a world of princess stuff as she was surrounded by trains, cars, and building blocks. Yet before she turned three she was somehow into pink everything, Frozen, dress up, barbies and dolls. It made me realise it is instinctive and that she was naturally into this sort of 'girly' stuff. Boys stuff is generally less gendered, yet my son is now 5 and obsessed with everything the colour purple and loves his shoulder length curly hair that I am not allowed to cut!

I have also been annoyed with things relatives have gifted. When my daughter was a baby my nan had a pram that she said she would give us once my daughter was old enough. She never thought to let my son have a play on it. She also bought my daughter a hell of a lot of cleaning stuff (a Dyson, a broom, mop and bucket), and I dont know why! I kind of chuckle to myself at the more rigid views the older generations can have about gender. I know this won't influence my children as they see my husband and I sharing these roles and that's what's important. My daughter and son play together so all this stuff gets shared anyway - apart from the the dolls which my son has zero interest in whatsoever!

I am sure you are doing a brilliant job of trying to bring your daughter up in a world where there are no limits to her options because of her gender. So its okay to let go a little bit of all the rules and round stopping girly things. Because as soon as she goes to pre-school / school she will not have you there to stop her anyway.

Wow! I would never be so rude as to set rules for what people could/couldn't buy my child. Even if it wasn't to my taste, I would still be grateful. I expect your relative felt very hurt.

@XmasBelle

Let it go

someone had to

@XmasBelle

Let it go

Brilliant 👏👏👏👏

we were pregnant 🤮🤮🤮 YABU for that alone.

And YABU for vetoing gifts. Let them buy what they want, and let DD decide for herself whether to wear / use / play with them. Why are you imposing your opinions on her?

OTT and if I was the relative I’d but your LO a Spider-Man outfit!

@XmasBelle

Let it go

See what you did there lol

Imo all the snooty ‘ugh i hate princessy things’ you hear from people just serves to reinforce the notion that stereotypically ‘girly’ things are a bit sad and crap, whereas stereotypically ‘boyish’ things are superior. I’d rather foster a love for glitter and princesses than internalised misogyny personally

I've tried to make sure DS has as many non -stereotypical boy things as possible, he has a tea set and a doll, he wears pink , he 'helps' with the laundry and in the kitchen , you know what he really loves, toy cars and bikes , making engine noises and making them crash.... We've stayed away from Disney up to this point but if you've let her watch frozen I don't see how you can refuse the costume

I get it, I don't think it's that unreasonable. As someone who had the first grandchild on both sides you can get bombarded by tons of stuff you don't want. Sounds like you politely refused the gift you're trying to save them wasting their money.

I read '2 years 10 months' and just knew you we're going to be precious

@XmasBelle

Let it go

I think you are thrusting your problems on your DD

This is oddly controlling. Deciding before birth that your child will not be allowed to have anything pink or princess related.
Policing relatives’ gift choices.

I’m taking it would have been ok for her to have blue clothing and monster trucks and dinosaurs “thrown at her”?

Sorry, but I think YABVVU.

She likes Frozen. It’s an item of clothing. Nothing else. She’s not going to somehow become contaminated and bleed glitter and lose all of her brain cells.

@AldiIsla

Just get her a grey boiler suit.

Dying 😂

I think it's a bit weird to actively stop your DD getting Princessy stuff? Surely that's just the same as forcing gender neutral stuff? Theres no choice if youre saying no. She likes frozen. She will probably like an outfit from frozen. For what it's worth I'm 29 and I grew up a real mix between girly and tomboy and still am now. Growing up I loved climbing trees, blowing up ants with a magnifying glass, fishing with my dad, ballet, dressing as a princess, rowing with my dad, kung fu, baking and brownies. No one stopped the 'girly' stuff in favour of me continuing the tomboy stuff.

Why can't parents just let kids be kids and play with all things , if someone buys her a princess dress she will only dress on it if she wants to , same if someone buys a train set , kids play with what takes there fancy at the time , be it a cardboard box or a saucepan and spoon
People try to hard to be politically correct instead of just letting them have a variety of toys and letting them get on with it

Isn’t her dress blue not pink?