Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

You are being a bit OTT.

It's just like the pink clothes. One princess dress inamongst a range of other toys will not a stereotype make.

Let the relative buy what makes her happy, as long as it's not actively harmful, which this is not (provided it's a proper one with CE mark etc, not something off Wish!)

I did exactly what DIL said bought worthy presents, no plastic crap. Well that went down like a wet fart compared to the plastic tat the parents had bought. I admit to being a bit miffed that I was not allowed to buy one daft present.

she has a dolly and baby she plays with, a little tea set etc... Did she ask for those? If not why would you buy her them! Don't buy her fun things until she asks for them.

Yabu! Does a dressing up outfit really matter in the great scheme of things? If it was a pirate outfit would it be acceptable? You are entitled to do as you like with your child but don’t be surprised if relatives find your rules restrictive and probably quite funny!

YABVU and awkward.

Also I think you’re being a bit daft. You’ve basically told your relative that your daughter loves a princess movie, and then when the relative vert sweetly offers to get her a dress from that movie, you suddenly object to your daughter engaging with princess themed things?

Playing dress up - even in a princess dress - will do much more for the development of her imagination and social skills than watching a film, so if I were you I would be more enthusiastic about the princess clothes and less enthusiastic about the passive watching of princess films.

Heh. My niece pretty much lived in Disney dresses when she was little. Refused to wear anything else to the shops, the doctors etc. I used to inwardly roll my eyes.

Now she's a goth who runs her own tattoo business.

Seriously, get over yourself and be kind to this relative.

I totally get wanting a selection of toys, clothes, games etc but you can take it too far. One dress from one film about one princess that your DD really likes is hardly going to make her adopt all the stereotypes.

@LabradorGalore

The only person imposing their views and stifling their daughter choice is you and your DH.

Let her relatives buy her a princess dress - you can always buy the doctors/fighter fighter costume too which add to her collection.

Precious parenting at its finest.

That’s a good point...

It's weird op that you've randomly picked one thing that people can't buy, almost as if you just want to one seen to exert your power. What damage exactly will a blue frilly dress cause?

You clearly disapprove of the relative, you hate pink, you're annoyed people aren't following your instructions... Maybe a bit of princessy cheer wouldn't go amiss!

It depends, if it was a one off outfit or allowing the one princess outfit would mean an influx of pink and sparkles, and clothes with princess/gorgeous on them

I think YANBU. There's such a short period when you can control the toys and experiences she is exposed to and given the tsunami of pink, gendered items and messages that will soon be thrust in her direction, I understand your instinct to try to give her a head start with a broader context. Inevitably you won't be able to keep it up so your role becomes less "Gate keeper" and more "balancer". Someone buys her a princess dress so you buy her a firefighter outfit. Someone buys her a princess doll, you buy her a construction toy. (Obviously, i mean preemptively with your present choices- not to shower her in extra gifts!)

Its nice to see them try on all of the colours of the rainbow- including the pink. But you have to work hard at providing the other colours as society works hard to shower her in the pinks and purples.

Its the route I've taken with my now 7yo DD. I make sure to take give her as much positive reinforcement of the "pink" messages as I do the less obviously gendered ones. Its important she knows that its not disapproved of, even if its not my go-to choice for her.

Let it go

Waited far too long for that.

Come on op if you wanted to keep her from loving princesses only, why did you show her frozen? I don't really get this whole 'keep away from pink/blue' stuff to be honest, if they happen to like that colour, what are you going to do then? Force them to wear something else? She likes frozen, are you going to ban Disney next and only allow boys toys so she isn't too girly? Plus a dress at that age isn't going to make a massive impact, she's 2, nearly 3. She isn't going to even remember it. She might have some vague memories from next year when she's older, but chances are they won't be correct.

@XmasBelle

Let it go

@eddiemairswife

Anyway, what is wrong with pink and frills and sparkles and everything else 'girly'?

Girls suck, boys rock. Ergo anything girly is weak and stupid. Wearing pink actually knocks your iq down 10%, dresses 5% and pick dresses 20%

I think this is something you'll look back and cringe about, nothing wrong with liking princesses or anything else, just make sure she had a range of different toys and experiences, I also have no idea why you would need to discuss this with dh, its such a minor thing it doesn't even seem worth mentioning.

I soooort of understand your thinking. I have 2 dd's and didn't want them into Princess stuff. I'm not, and it all felt a little frivolous I suppose.
I explored why I felt that way and decided it was all to do with rubbishing feminine things. Why is it bad to want to be something girly? It isn't. And by me thinking that way I was possibly setting my daughter's up to think that girl stuff wasn't as good, necessary or important as 'boy'stuff.
So I said balls. Go for it and enjoy it while they're little!
Best Christmas present this year was the Elsa dress. It's barely been taken off and she's SO happy in it!

Just get her a grey boiler suit.

You're being ridiculous. This has to be a PFB! You're fine with her having a doll and a tea set etc, but she can't have a dress-up outfit for something she already likes? What do you think is going to happen by letting her dress up? It's something she has already shown an interest in so I don't see the problem. It would be different if it was some random princess dress she doesn't know. If she's not interested in it, she won't wear it. It's not like you have to force her to wear if because it's there.

Why does your relative care so much? Surely the normal way to respond when told not to buy a certain type of gift is to say “Sure”? I’m not sure I agree with your choice but it wouldn’t be up to me to pelt your daughter with princess dresses just to wind you up.

Perhaps a Princess Anne outfit would meet your requirements?

If you've specifically requested no princess stuff then I can see why you'd have an 'argggh' moment when that's what said relative suddenly wants to buy her. However, it's not generic sparkly princess tat, it's something she's actually a fan of, so no unreasonable of relative to have thought it was a good present. Plus relative will hardly be holding your rules at the front of their mind in the way you are.

Also, you mention asking people not to go overboard with pink, but a bit is OK. You don't want a whole hoard of pink gifts but people can't exactly all confer to make sure their little bits of pink aren't combining to what you might consider be too much. Frozen really isn't very pink at all, so relative has done well there.

I understand why this feels important but i think you need to chill out. Buy the firefighter outfit yourself to balance if out if yourself.

YABVU and ridiculous and forcing your warped concepts onto your daughter who just wants to enjoy things she likes.