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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

193 replies

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 09:49

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

OP posts:
PleasantVille · 29/12/2020 09:52

In your situation you really need to tell him as gently as possible making the points you've made here.

Why do you think he's done it? Is he trying to do something nice and has totally misjudged it

I would be very uncomfortable in your situation too.

HikeForward · 29/12/2020 09:55

I’d talk to him about it.

I had to ask my DH to stop buying me expensive jewellery too as I have so few occasions to wear it I don’t need more than one set! He was fine about it and quite relieved.

A lot of men seem to think all women crave real diamonds, no idea why!

booboo24 · 29/12/2020 09:57

I do see your point, I really do, but I think he's done it with good intentions and clearly wanted to spoil you. My partner has done similar this year but with a bracelet, I felt really bad when I realised just how expensive it was that I hadn't spent anywhere near (& I had spent a lot!) I take it he has done this out of your joint money? Maybe he feels you deserve this after a crappy year?

If it really makes you feel that uncomfortable, how would he feel if you told him that you were worried it had cost a lot (without letting on what you know?) I don't think giving it back would be very kind though, wouldn't that hugely offend him?

GingerBreadNurse · 29/12/2020 09:57

I’d say you think it’s very beautiful but it’s not practical/compatible with your life at the minute and you think it’s best to return it now while you still can. Then say what really is compatible with your life right now is a new...

Comefromaway · 29/12/2020 09:58

YANBU

I’ve bought our family a very expensive, unexpected luxury present that’s way beyond the normal budget but I used money that had been saved up over the year each month into a separate account.

I’d be really cross at going into debt for an item of jewellery.

Original poster
Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 10:20

Thanks for the replies. Some good ideas of how I can start to approach this and thanks for the support.

I think he was trying to do something nice which makes it harder to say anything

Obviously cost is relative to each of us but this is very expensive to us and more than he can afford on an unnecessary item. I really would be happier treating the family or improving our home and having a necklace at a fraction of the cost. I have a feeling it may be to do with someone at work who spends a lot on his wife's jewellery and maybe my DH was feeling inferior

But I also think he should know this is not something I would be happy about so I am feeling cross about being put in this position where I feel I have to say something.

I feel very ungrateful and spoilt and I don't like feeling this way.

I also wonder how he has got it so wrong. We've been together a long time so why would he think this would make me happy?

(I'm also very aware people have awful situations going on and know how this post will come across to them another reason I don't want to waste money.)

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 29/12/2020 10:20

I think you have to gently discuss this with him, and see if it can be returned. It was a lovely gesture, but you're not really going to get any pleasure from it, are you?

Googlebrained · 29/12/2020 10:22

I can see your point but I would wait for a while before broaching this. He may be more receptive to your point of view if you give it a few weeks before raising it and coming across as ungrateful. I would stress that you love the thought behind it but at the moment you want to put the whole family first.

Jeremyironseverything · 29/12/2020 10:23

I'd feel the same and I'd also tell him. I'd be completely honest or he'll maybe do it again at some point.

CheltenhamLady · 29/12/2020 10:23

Unless there is something else that you need vitally, I would leave it.

Maybe he thought that after the awful year 2020 has been he wanted to buy a gift that would be out of the ordinary?

Early next year I might have a general conversation about gift expectations going forward though.

Chamomileteaplease · 29/12/2020 10:24

I completely understand. It is not just spending too much and on credit Shock but to add insult to injury it's not even something that you can use!

You have to talk to him. I am sure you can talk kindly and just ask if you can both return it and get something more suitable. Surely if you tell him the gift is actually making you unhappy, he can't refuse to return it??

CeibaTree · 29/12/2020 10:26

I think keep the necklace but say to him that now you have this beautiful necklace you won’t need any more expensive jewellery in the future. Just because you can’t wear it now doesn’t mean you won’t when your daughter is past the necklace pulling stage. Also it will be a lovely thing to pass onto her one day. Your husband obviously thought you were worth spending this money on, so just accept the gift in the spirit it was given :)

Comefromaway · 29/12/2020 10:32

@CeibaTree

I think keep the necklace but say to him that now you have this beautiful necklace you won’t need any more expensive jewellery in the future. Just because you can’t wear it now doesn’t mean you won’t when your daughter is past the necklace pulling stage. Also it will be a lovely thing to pass onto her one day. Your husband obviously thought you were worth spending this money on, so just accept the gift in the spirit it was given :)
That would be fine if the OP’s husband could afford the necklace.

But he’s taken out credit. Making the repayments will impact the family budget.

Sausagedog1 · 29/12/2020 10:32

I would tell him really gently. DH and I combine our money (assuming you do too if you are SAHM) so expensive gifts are pointless.
I told DH years ago that I don't want any expensive gifts ever! The money could be much better spent elsewhere. He now spends about £10-20 on me, either a book or candle or some nice smelling moisturisers/bath bombs, that kind of thing. Things that I love and can use!

You need to talk to him about it though, and give him some ideas of things you would like, even if it means being specific about the shop etc.
My dad always goes overboard for my mum but I know it's because he doesn't really know what to buy. He doesn't want to buy something cheap and crap so expensive jewellery is a fail safe option. Most of it sits in a draw never worn.

Tenyearsgone · 29/12/2020 10:32

Are your diamond shoes too tight as well?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/12/2020 10:33

If it's a one off.
Be happy. He is trying to Be Nice and get you something special. I might say something like"ghats lovely as a one off".
You might not wear it everyday right now but there will be a special occasion at some point in your life.
Mind you people will be a long any moment to tell you he is defo having an affair and ltb!

karmakameleon · 29/12/2020 10:34

DH did similar once and I felt exactly the same. It was a beautiful piece of jewellery but not something I would wear and appreciate. I just explained to him that although it was a lovely gift, I’d feel uncomfortable wearing it and I’d prefer to take it back and buy something more practical.

Dozer · 29/12/2020 10:36

Your feelings and thoughts are understandable: he’s messed up. Agree with PPs saying to talk to him and to seek to return it for a refund.

Dozer · 29/12/2020 10:37

It’s not at all ‘ungrateful’ or ‘spoilt’ to be disappointed by a costly gift you can’t use and bought on credit.

Ginkpin · 29/12/2020 10:38

@Tenyearsgone

Are your diamond shoes too tight as well?
Why the sarcasm? This is clearly not a stealth boast as OP has said they can't afford it. Bitter much?
LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 10:38

What’s it like?

He thinks he can afford it - why don’t you think he can.

Interest free can be a very good way to pay - it costs nothing meaning you gain interest (such as it is these days) on the equivalent savings.

Maybe he wanted to treat you.

sixthtimelucky · 29/12/2020 10:39

I've voted YANBU even though I love diamonds (nope, don't know why, just do) and am lucky enough to have a few special pieces that I wear every day - so not statement/evening type jewellery.

I would feel the same as you in your situation and I think honesty is best policy. You just give him the old shit sandwich - 'so sweet and thoughtful of you - don't want it - I've seen a lovely cheap version I'd love to swap it for'

yelyah22 · 29/12/2020 10:39

News just in Tenyearsgone: everyone is different and entitled to ask for help with their situation even if they are not in poverty.

OP - I'd wait a few days and then say you'd been thinking and it's lovely but it's too much and you won't wear it, you love the gesture but you'd really like X instead.

HannaYeah · 29/12/2020 10:40

@GingerBreadNurse

I’d say you think it’s very beautiful but it’s not practical/compatible with your life at the minute and you think it’s best to return it now while you still can. Then say what really is compatible with your life right now is a new...
This

No need to mention that you’ve found out the price and terms.

Ginkpin · 29/12/2020 10:42

OP is it possible that he felt pressure to 'treat' you and would be relieved at the idea that it's un-necessary? How much does he normally spend on you?

I think your approach should be:

I love it, it's beautiful and although I can't wear it now, I am sure there will come a time when I can, thank you for being so generous. But - given our circumstances, I would feel just as happy for you to return it and buy me something more 'every day' that I can enjoy wearing now and will be able to get more use from, and maybe when we are in a different place financially, you can get me something more grown up.

Also, let's not start getting into debt over presents. I think our priorities have to be shared and for me, it's not gifts.

That kind of attitude....

See how he responds.