I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

[Marymaryquiteso]

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

Tact is necessary I think. Some people are almost the equivalent of illiterate with money and he may be one of them.

@Googlebrained

I can see your point but I would wait for a while before broaching this. He may be more receptive to your point of view if you give it a few weeks before raising it and coming across as ungrateful. I would stress that you love the thought behind it but at the moment you want to put the whole family first.

Weird advice. Why wait until it’s too late to return it? Why give your DH the impression that you’ve been stewing over something for weeks?

YANBU OP. Raise it gently, but do raise it. It’s been 4 days since you received it presumably. If it were me, I’d say I was totally overcome when I opened it, but that the more time passes the more you want that money spent on you all as a family. Or frame it that you really really want the bathroom to look beautiful for you, if you think he really wants to spoil you and you alone. There are plenty of ways to make him feel loved and appreciated while dealing with this.

I'd be really annoyed - that demonstrates a real lack of actual thought to me. Just a knee jerk shit I must get something good. Good = ruinously expensive, this will do.

No thought that it would actually make you uncomfortable!! What a shit gift - 'here you go darling, have a big dose of anxiety'. Shows a total disregard for what YOU actually value.

Definitely speak to him and take it back.

I would feel the same if DH bought me a diamond necklace. I would not want the responsibility of even wearing something that expensive that isn't at all useful.

The diamond industry is still problematic as well. They spend millions each year convincing us that diamonds are what women want to receive while commiting pretty awful environmental and human rights abuses. I wouldn't want diamonds for that reason either.

You seem quite annoyed OP. I can see your point but the fact that your DH has gone out of his way for you shows he doesn’t think as you do.

Something obviously made him think you wanted that?

Oh goodness, of course you aren't being unreasonable here.
I think the key is to approach it gently as it seems he wanted to do something really nice.

OP,
You have to spell it out clearly to him.

To buy something so unnecessary, without your agreement is ridiculous.

He's assuming it is to your taste.

To do it on credit is unbelievable.

I would want it returned.
The ridiculousness of the purchase would mean it would be tainted.

You will just have to say thank you, but no thank you.

If you can get your money back do.
You may not be able to.

I would consider this to be very poor judgement on his part.

If he is buying this on credit, he clearly cannot afford it.

I can well imagine several thousand could have been spent on the house.

If you have an unexpected cost this year, you will be very cross.

Best advice get rid of it.

I don't think we need to assume the husband had any reason to think OP would want a diamond necklace. My husband is a wonderful man in almost every way, but his present-buying is very hit and miss. There were a few incidents in the past when I gave some clear suggestions for what I wanted and ended up with something he wanted instead. I made my feelings known. Some people are just useless at buying presents. I certainly haven't always got it right.

There are some miseries on this thread.

How did you accidentally find out the cost?? You mean you went online and searched just as many do.
My dad would buy expensive jewellery he said he did because if times are hard you can sell it or pawn it

He's been really irresponsible hasn't he? What if you genuinely need to open a line of credit at some point but can't because of the necklace?

Definitely tell him your views.

Does he have form for making bad financial decisions? Does he often buy you ott things that you don't really want?

Whilst how you feel is completely understandable, I'm someone who thinks you should leave it as well. Especially if you are not totally struggling to pay bills atm.

What a blow to find out that the DW wants to return a gift he thought/hoped they'd love and be excited to receive. Maybe you can't wear it much now, but maybe he thought of it as a heirloom going forward for your DD as well as for you to wear in the years ahead?

I know of a couple where the DH left after the DW returned a gift that he had bought her. For him, it was symbolic of the culimination of years of criticism. I'm not suggesting that this is anything like that here OP. Just that sometimes accepting a gift is more important for their sake that rejecting it for ours.

It would be different if the family was having critical money issues or if it was a guilt gift... Otherwise, I'd leave it to have a conversation for sometime in the future.

YANBU
However I do think if it’s a one off then I’d be ok with that. When you say he’s got in to debt/credit, it’s 0%! Maybe he got a good deal on the necklace in the shop and maybe he put a little away each month to save for it but seeing as it’s 0% decided to get it on finance anyway. Maybe he’s saved a bit from the covid, lots of people are better off from saving petrol and going out (some are much worse off
If it was me I’d just tell him how much I love it but ask him not to be so extravagant in future and then let it go.

It depends how expensive is expensive as it's all relative A single small diamond and a few hundred pounds I would say keep as that's not that expensive ( in relative terms and a normal gift for some) or are we talking thousands, in which case given you will get little use out of it I would be returning.

My dad would buy expensive jewellery he said he did because if times are hard you can sell it or pawn it

These days second hand jewellery doesn’t sell for anything like its insurance value unless it has vintage/antique value and often not even then.

Well it's sort of the point that I don't have diamond shoes as I wouldn't want them and it is not what I would choose to spend our money on.

I don't think this is all about the money anyway I could consider any amount too much to spend on something unnecessary when it could buy my daughter new school shoes or go towards a new boiler if needed etc I'm boring but true and I don't want money worries

We are not in the bracket where I can be a SAHM and drip in diamonds waking the kids to school. We are careful and consider all spending, we have to on a single wage.

The point really is that I wouldn't feel comfortable with a gift of this cost on credit and my DH should know this shouldn't he?

I am surprised no mention of guilt gift from an affair yet too

YANBU. We are reasonably well off but I hardly ever wear jewellery and would have absolutely no use for a diamond necklace. I would much rather have a new raincoat or wool cardigan, some of my favourite expensive chocolates or some games to play with DS. So it doesn't seem like a "thoughtful" gift to me. Add to that that the money would have been much better spent elsewhere and I really think you should say something.

What's the point of having a really expensive item that brings you no pleasure at all, especially if you're stretched financially?

I wonder if it symbolises something to your DH. You seem very practical and domestic focused. I noted that you rarely leave the house - is that because of COVID or a general thing since you became a SAHM?

Basically I wonder if he is trying to say that he sees you as a woman, not just a mother, that he wants more of a sense of fun/not pure practical focus in your lives. Perhaps to go out with you sometimes without your kids (post Covid)?

The necklace may not be the right way to say that but I did wonder if he was getting at something with the gift

OP if you hadn't looked to see how much it cost is it something you would have worn? Has he bought you 'an evening at the opera' style necklace or is it the fact that there's diamond/s in it that's making you think you couldn't wear it ?
I feel a bit sorry for your dh to be honest.
I'd have a long think about it before I'd say anything. How expensive is it & how much would the repayments really affect your monthly budgets?
Here's my tip - I know you have a small child & you're a SAHM but don't let that be the single defining thing about your life right now. Your dc will not always be tiny. You are still a person & a wife & perhaps your husband was simply (clumsily) trying to show you that he sees you as more than a collective family unit - you're his wife & he bought something specific for you & not something for the house etc
I was a SAHM for more than 6 years & while I loved it & would not have done it any other way it was important not to lose myself in that period.

Your DH works and buys you a diamond necklace and your complaining because he bought it on 0% interest.

So your DH is carrying the financial burden for the family and then being berated for getting his wife a nice gift on credit. If your that worried about money get a job yourself and share the burden and use your 30hrs free childcare a week. Assuming your in the UK of course...

@HazelWong - that's v close to what I w as thinking too

I think you should ask yourself if you love the necklace (ignoring cost and credit) and if it is something you would wear everyday once past the pulling stage? If so, and if the credit amounts don’t impact the budget then keep it. If you don’t love it and it isn’t the style that can be worn all the time or the monthly repayments are going to stress you out too much then just be honest.
Bear in mind the credit arrangement might mean that you can’t return it for a refund and can only swap it - so maybe double check before raising the issue.

@beavisandbutthead so that she can pay for her own gift?

On a purely practical note, if it’s decided that you will return it, check the refund dates, because second hand jewellery has less value and he may end up still paying something because of the discrepancy.