I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

[Marymaryquiteso]

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

I haven't read the full thread (just OP posts) so apologies if this has been covered already.

Does he/you have your own allocated spending money each month or will the payments for the necklace come out of joint money?

If you both get your own 'fun' money and this is what he has chosen to spend it on then I would raise it in a different way to if it was money coming from joint funds.

My MIL wouldn't spend money on anything, she had to be practical ALL the time. It was so annoying. She appeared ungrateful for everything because she saw anything other than necessities as frivolous. Sometimes we just wanted to treat her to something nice, but it was never appreciated.

it's total competitive misery here now! And no, women don't love jewellery because we see it in movies & can't distinguish reality from fiction! Seriously?!

Nobody said this. I said that MEN have been convinced that this is the way to show a woman they love her. It's a cliché in almost every romantic movie these days.

NOT every woman wants expensive things. Really. Not every woman rejoices in a beautiful jewellery. But the cliché exists that we do.

I've never owned many expensive things. I have a simple life and my home decor is very basic, as are my clothes. But I've travelled a lot, lived in lots of different countries, speak four languages, and that is worth much more. To me.

Is he actually being generous, OP, or is he paying for it out of your shared family budget, i.e. with your money?

Your DH though might think that 10 potatoes is an acceptable amount for a nice necklace, rather than your 2, so pushing the boat out to 20 potatoes isn't too bad and makes it a special gift. It really is all relative.

Forget it's jewellery. Jewellery has a romantisised image. Imagine he'd used credit to buy you ... an expensive shoe rack for eg grin. I imagine pretty much all posters here would advise you to just gently tell him a cheaper one will do just fine and lets send it back for a refund a look together for that cheaper one.

Yes, this. The fact that it's diamonds (the "diamonds are forever", "a girl's best friend" myths etc) tends to distort things. They are still just "things", but we have made them into fairytale things.

Just return it op.

but even during the main lockdown, we were still leaving the house (primary school aged kids) every day at least once, which meant (me) showering, clean hair, presentable, and to make up for the fact that we couldn't go anywhere "nice", a piece of jewellery or just something a bit more than leggings and a jumper. Even, if I had one, a nice necklace.
This is not everyone though. I would never put on jewellery (other than wedding ring and watch which I wear daily) to go to the playground.

The trouble is that he earned it so he has a right to spend some of it. It may be a shared family budget because you are a SAHM but earning some money to support the family is a wonderful feeling. You mention your savings. Do you use your money to contribute to the family budget or is he expected to provide everything?
I would return it but I would be very keen to get a part time job, no matter how few hours, so that next year you can buy him something special with money you have earned yourself.

I would trade an expensive necklace for an extra lie-in, breakfast in bed, a grown-up day out by myself (or with a close friend), a meal out in a nice restaurant, even a takeaway from a nice restaurant, a new jigsaw, some plants for the garden... Many, many things.

It's not that I'm a misery (at least, I hope not - I might be, I suppose...). It's just that I really don't place much value on shiny stones.

OP, would you like the necklace if it were less expensive? Or would it just be a less expensive "white elephant"?

@Parkperson because I'm assuming the OP and her DH have discussed this and decided together that OP should be at home for the children. Here are some reasons:
Because not all people value luxuries and diamonds over everything else. Because sometimes it isn't financially viable to work. Because she doesn't need to 'earn her own money' the money he earns is shared because her work is the children and house. Because some couples find life less stressful and hectic with one parent at home. (She already said she can afford necessities like school shoes)

I find it unhelpful when people tell someone to 'get a job' on threads like these when they would happily suggest they pay someone else for the childcare. Why is looking after your own kids not a job? Someone has to do it. Do Nanny's not have jobs or does it only count if you look after someone else's kids?
I'm not a SAHM by the way but I understand why lots of women are.

I wonder OP if you feel you don’t deserve anything nice, especially if you’ve been used to putting the family/house first. If practical matters come first and you see this as a bit frivolous.

Your DH obviously thought about this gift. It’s not something he just snatched in a rush from the dregs of what was left on the shelves on Christmas Eve.

Do you actually like the piece? Is it the kind of subtle piece you could wear everyday? If it is I’d really consider keeping it. You can pass it on to your DD; you could have it remade for her for her 21st birthday.

Your DH is managing to provide for your whole family single handedly and I do think it’s a bit patronising to tell him that he’s spent some of his earnings inappropriately. Unless there’s a huge back story to him having out of control spending.

You do sound really cross and irritated though and I think it’d be good to ponder on the feelings this has raised in you.

I 100% get you OP.

DH bought me some diamond earrings a couple of years ago. I never wore earrings and he spent well over 2k on them. I was absolutely horrified and we could afford them as he had got a really good Christmas bonus that year. Even with a good bonus and no debts I found it really hard to accept that gift graciously as all I could see in its place was a lovely shared holiday or new bedroom furniture or the hall, stairs and landing redecorating and carpeting.

I was also terrified of losing them.

In the end I kept quiet, put them in to show appreciation, and fell in love with them and now never take them out. They have been much admired and I included them in the house insurance for loss/theft.

I have made it absolutely clear ever since though that I don't want more than £100 spending on me for Christmas.

If you like it, run with it and make it clear this has to be a one off. If you aren't that keen, then unfortunately it means having the conversation.

What he did is normal. It’s family money, and it’s HIS savings too not just yours. I assume you trust him to make the odd decision for himself. Well this is one of them. Accept it and wear it, and next year make it clear you want something small or give a specific item/budget.

I agree with @badacorn.

Poor guy: can’t do right for doing wrong. Expect a box of smarties next year.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

If it's a one off. Be happy. He is trying to Be Nice and get you something special. I might say something like"ghats lovely as a one off". You might not wear it everyday right now but there will be a special occasion at some point in your life. Mind you people will be a long any moment to tell you he is defo having an affair and ltb!

Yes, I agree. OP I do you that you are being unreasonable here. If it's a one-off, let it go. I'd tell him you found out the cost and are disappointed, but would not seek to return it this time, as that would hurt him and I think is a bit overkill. I would keep it this time (and your DC will not always be young, and you will have time later on in life to go out), tell him you're disappointed re the money, but don't try to return it this time.

I don't understand this ideology of "It's a one off, so it's fine". If she doesn't want the gift AND it's too expensive AND it's getting paid off on credit why should she be obliged to keep it? Or obliged to get a job to facilitate these big purchases later down the line?

There needs to be a diplomatic and kind way to let her husband know, but she should still let him know. Nobody has any idea of OP's financial situation and to be quite frank, all of these "get a job" posts are not helpful nor kind.

Hi OP; I feel you.

Me and DH are comfortably off but I would be totally bemused if he bought me a gift like that (and the credit would be an issue for me too).

There have been some good suggestions made here about how you can raise it with him gently. I think you should and ignore any posters who don't see the issue. Everyone's values and relationships are different, stick to yours, it's what your husband fell in love with.

Your DH is managing to provide for your whole family single handedly and I do think it’s a bit patronising to tell him that he’s spent some of his earnings inappropriately. Unless there’s a huge back story to him having out of control spending.

No, they are BOTH working and providing. He's not doing it single-handedly. It's not "his earnings". He's earning for both. It's both their earnings. It's a family unit.

I got the sense that the OP does like it. In the first post she says it's very pretty

I think the amounts in question are important in that I genuinely can't tell if they are on the bread line and have to budget extremely carefully for things like school shoes or whether it's more that the OP is anti anything non practical and in an "I don't deserve anything nice" type place but they can fundamentally afford some frivolous spends.

I wonder OP if you feel you don’t deserve anything nice

How patronising! I expect OP does think she deserves something nice and is disappointed that she didn't get it. If you're not into expensive jewellery then this is not a nice gift.

Her DH should know her better.

@MessAllOver

I would trade an expensive necklace for an extra lie-in, breakfast in bed, a grown-up day out by myself (or with a close friend), a meal out in a nice restaurant, even a takeaway from a nice restaurant, a new jigsaw, some plants for the garden... Many, many things.

It's not that I'm a misery (at least, I hope not - I might be, I suppose...). It's just that I really don't place much value on shiny stones.

OP, would you like the necklace if it were less expensive? Or would it just be a less expensive "white elephant"?

Yes all the above I would prefer. I guess I'm a misery too I couldn't care less about it to be honest I'd like a necklace that I would enjoy wearing everyday knowing it wasn't expensive but I like how it looks

And knowing what we could do with the money instead just grates
OK not "boring" things like I've said but numerous days out, maybe a holiday etc

I think if there's a self esteem issue behind it (e.g. OP thinks she doesn't deserve nice things) then of course that needs to be addressed, but from what I've read she just seems like a more practical person. There's no harm in that, I wouldn't want to spend £300 on a party dress for example because I'd rather have a few dresses and other nice things for that cost. It's OK to have things you prioritise, and those things don't have to be pretty, especially if you need a kitchen refitted for example.

I know where you’re coming from. I hate the amount my DH used to spend at Xmas, so we had to have the conversation.
And I agree with you about the credit, I hate it.

@Malahaha

Your DH is managing to provide for your whole family single handedly and I do think it’s a bit patronising to tell him that he’s spent some of his earnings inappropriately. Unless there’s a huge back story to him having out of control spending.

No, they are BOTH working and providing. He's not doing it single-handedly. It's not "his earnings". He's earning for both. It's both their earnings. It's a family unit.

They are not both earning. They are saving childcare fees but foregoing a second wage to do so - fine if that’s the decision they made. They are not however both generating money.