Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

193 replies

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 09:49

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

OP posts:

Lipz · 29/12/2020 11:03

Everyone is different when it comes to the cost of things, I understand your position op. I am the same, I'd rather spend the money on something the family can enjoy or on the house.

My dh use to buy me very expensive jewellery, I'm a sahm too, my collection was building and it felt weird loading on all my jewellery to go to tesco. At the time nights out were rare with 5 kids. I just bit the bullet one day and said how I loved the jewellery, I loved how he liked treating me but I had enough pieces and in future we'd discuss large spends, he was a little shocked but there isn't a nice way of saying it.

If you're dh is doing this on credit and it's affecting the family pot, you will have to say it to him. One of my brothers got himself into terrible debt because his wife likes designer handbags, she's the opposite and puts other things on hold to get a new handbag, we're all different and prioritise differently.

Laiste · 29/12/2020 11:03

I would love to know how much we're talking here. I realise that it's enough to make you uncomfortable and that should be all we need to know - but you're asking opinions and talking about it as if it's a massive thing, but then mentioning the cost of new school shoes ...

Are we talking more than DHs months wage? 6 months worth of mortgage payments? Or are we talking a few pairs of clarks school shoes?

LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 11:03

I was given a diamond necklace when I had my second child. I have worn it every day since. Small children don’t prevent you having nice things.

And being practical above all things as this seems to be most important if you need some money one day you can sell it!

Anydreamwilldo12 · 29/12/2020 11:04

I wouldn't be tip toeing around the subject, breaking it to him gently etc.
I would just spell it out, you can't afford it and you won't ever wear it and that's it. It's mad him buying you such an expensive gift when he has to use credit to pay for it. Surely he must know you by now to know a diamond necklace is not something you would desire to have.
Why can't couples just be straight with each other, no need to be nasty just be honest.

PleasantVille · 29/12/2020 11:05

@CeibaTree

I think keep the necklace but say to him that now you have this beautiful necklace you won’t need any more expensive jewellery in the future. Just because you can’t wear it now doesn’t mean you won’t when your daughter is past the necklace pulling stage. Also it will be a lovely thing to pass onto her one day. Your husband obviously thought you were worth spending this money on, so just accept the gift in the spirit it was given :)

Really?

What an absolute waste of money they don't have on something that will never be worn

I genuinely can't understand that suggestion, do you not have money worries maybe. It's madness.

RugsEverywhere · 29/12/2020 11:05

I wouldn't be happy, if your money is pooled then he's effectively bought you x monthly payments of £xx

Check to see if it's returnable. If it's too late, I'd keep quiet but make a big point of not needing any more jewellery.

Otherwise get it returned.

MrsBrunch · 29/12/2020 11:05

You should not have to be gentle or tactful with this man. He is your husband you should be able to discuss this openly and honestly.

I would start by saying, 'You know how we also discuss large purchases and agree before spending such a lot of money, how come you didn't discuss the cost of present buying with me?'

That's the crux of it. It's out of character for one of you to spend large amounts without checking with the other.

It doesn't matter what other people do, this is the arrangement in your relationship. Why has he deviated from it in this instance? That's what I would want to know.

RedPickledCabbage · 29/12/2020 11:06

Just think of it as an investment, it’s a nice thing for your young daughter to inherit in the far flung future. In the meantime, she will not be a baby forever, maybe one day you’ll get to wear it on a cruise when you are both much older.

If you still feel ungrateful, have you considered swapping it. There was someone complaining they’d received a Henry vacuum cleaner for Christmas, maybe you’d prefer that.

zigaziga · 29/12/2020 11:06

I’d feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable about something bought on credit too.

I’m sure he was trying to do something nice and show he appreciates you, which is lovely, but I wouldn’t accept it. It’s the fact that this was bought on credit that would do it for me.

diddl · 29/12/2020 11:06

"I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out"

Well he seems to have found a way of affording it?

Will he be paying for long?

I wouldn't ever want a diamond necklace, it doesn't appeal to me at all.

If you like this & would wear it in the future, keep it but ask him not to be so extravagant again?

covidaintacrime · 29/12/2020 11:06

...realise that it's enough to make you uncomfortable and that should be all we need to know - but you're asking opinions and talking about it as if it's a massive thing, but then mentioning the cost of new school shoes ...

That's a very privileged attitude. If it's too much for OP on whatever income, it's too much.

fruitbrewhaha · 29/12/2020 11:07

Just tell him. You can be nice about. You are married and have children you should be able to have a reasonable discussion about it without him feeling completely put out. He should be able to be honest with you about putting it on credit etc.

LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 11:08

What necklace is it?

caperplips · 29/12/2020 11:11

When I read threads like these it really really makes me realise what a different world MN is to mine. And I wonder how some marriages survive given how combatitive & adversarial so many posters are...
Does everything in life have to be practical & useful ?

2pinkginsplease · 29/12/2020 11:12

Accept it for the lovely gift that it is. You say it's not practical just now but a simple diamond necklace can be worn at any time.

He thought he was doing a good turn and obviously feels he can afford the monthly payments.

I'd hate dh to feel shit about a thoughtful gift he bought me.

Iwonder08 · 29/12/2020 11:12

You would prefer your husband to spend money on home improvements over a diamond necklace for you?! You know marriage is not only about practicality and convenience of being roommates and procreation. I feel sorry for your husband

Eyewhisker · 29/12/2020 11:12

OP. When my mum died, one of the things that made me sad when going through her things is that there wasn’t anything ‘special’ to have as a memento.

A beautiful necklace can last generations, and be passed to your DD and grandchild. That is priceless.

covidaintacrime · 29/12/2020 11:13

You know marriage is not only about practicality and convenience of being roommates and procreation. I feel sorry for your husband

If it's the choice between a leaky sink and a fridge on the blink with a diamond necklace, I think it's reasonable to prioritise what you need. Now, I don't know what "home improvements" OP would need, but nobody needs a diamond necklace.

HazelWong · 29/12/2020 11:14

I could consider any amount too much to spend on something unnecessary

Unless you are completely on the bread line (in which case, you need to get a job) this attitude is pretty joyless.

Malahaha · 29/12/2020 11:14

A lot of men seem to think all women crave real diamonds, no idea why!

The movies. How many times have you seen a man give the woman he loves (or is trying to assuage his guilt by) giving her expensive jewellery?

And invariably she gasps: "OH! It's SO beautiful!" as she holds it up, and looks at him with dewy eyes. Makes me cringe every time. Such a cliché, and men believe it.

I do not own any jewellery and I never will, never want to. I actually hate the feel of anything on my hands, wrists, neck - so uncomfortable.
I would thank him for the thought and ask him to return it. I know it's a sensitive matter, so good luck!

Parkperson · 29/12/2020 11:15

There are so so many threads from women complaining about the 'wrong' type of gift. The Bayliss and Harding thread was a litany of things women do not want as presents. There are so many threads where women have been taken at their word and about wanting nothing and then being upset when they did not get anything.
It is such a relief to have reached a stage in marriage where we don't need to buy presents for each other at Christmas because, if we really want something, we buy it when we need it.
Presents seem to cause so much upset it seems best to steer clear or set a price limit or have a wish list.
I think it possibly might be that the OP feels guilty about not working and not contributing financially. You mention school shoes for your daughter so if she is at school or nursery perhaps it is time to job hunt OP. Oh and set a monetary limit in place for future gifts.

GenerallyCoping · 29/12/2020 11:17

@DrBlackbird

What a blow to find out that the DW wants to return a gift he thought/hoped they'd love and be excited to receive. Maybe you can't wear it much now, but maybe he thought of it as a heirloom going forward for your DD as well as for you to wear in the years ahead?

I know of a couple where the DH left after the DW returned a gift that he had bought her. For him, it was symbolic of the culimination of years of criticism. I'm not suggesting that this is anything like that here OP. Just that sometimes accepting a gift is more important for their sake that rejecting it for ours.

This is very good advice. How excited was he to give this to you OP? If he was excited then please don’t reject it. It’s a harsh blow when you have bought your partner something you genuinely thought they would love and they don’t want it. I have been on both ends of this situation and I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Be cautious how you proceed.

ivfbeenbusy · 29/12/2020 11:17

I feel very ungrateful and spoilt

Because you are. Poor chap can't do right for doing wrong - he's a grown man if he wants to pay monthly for something let him?! Some might say you are being financially controlling to say he isn't allowed......

Why can't you just thank him, wear it on special occasions and keep it to hand down to your daughter one day

diddl · 29/12/2020 11:18

"I'd hate dh to feel shit about a thoughtful gift he bought me."

But then Op shouldn't be left feeling shit either?

If it's a thing that Op would never want, then of course she shouldn't have to keep it & put his feelings above hers.

PleasantVille · 29/12/2020 11:18

@Iwonder08

You must know that people are different and the OP has made her position on this crystal clear, she would prefer the home inprovements and there's nothing wrong with that.

Her poor husband having to share his life with someone who wants their child to have shoes and a comfortable home, he's the one who should be leaving.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8