I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

[Marymaryquiteso]

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

Do not discuss it for a couple of months at the earliest.

It is done now.

To be honest in my view YABU.
I would think that in your current situation and with how you descibe your lives he thought showing you how much he cared, with something really nice would be welcome. Even Jesus did it (with the annointing off the oils) . We can always use a bit of random sparkle everynow and again.
How many kids have you got? I can only see one daughter of school age. If you are that bothered about the cash, why dont you get a job. There are plenty of vacancies where you work from home or part time.

I completely understand that it's a misjudged gift and you don't want it.

For me, this would be a simple conversation to tactfully suggest an exchange or refund.

But I am honestly surprised at some of the criticism levelled at him by pp. The pearl clutching about credit is ridiculous as it's 0%. It's more sensible to leave your money in a savings account accruing interest and buy it on 0% finance than it is to buy it outright.

And are we certain it's 'family money'? DH and I had family money, but also personal spending money to spend on ourselves so that we could buy things without feeling guilty. Maybe he's saved up for it, or is happy to have less money for himself every month over the next year.

Either way, he wanted to buy something precious and special for his wife, something that she could pass on to her daughter. That's not a bad thing, not at all.

@PersonaNonGarter

Do not discuss it for a couple of months at the earliest.

It is done now.

So she should wait a couple of months, tell her DH then have him say, I wish you'd told me straight away when I could have returned it and got you something else? Who would do that?

It needs to be discussed asap when there still options

So ...he spend money that you don't have
On a present you dont want?

Well then you tell him thanks but no thanks and ask to buy you something as pretty but more for a daily wear and the price of 2 potatoes.

I’ve skipped some of the thread so apologies if someone has already suggested this but perhaps you could tell him you think it is a very expensive gift, thank him for the treat etc (you might use it in the future) and insist that it is a joint Christmas and birthday gift so he is definitely not to buy anything pricey for your birthday just flowers or something to unwrap - that might at least save a bit of money and avoid hurting his feelings.

I assume you have joint money so in fact you are also paying for this item.

I'd probably ask fir it to be swapped for a fake version you are happier with, so you are appreciating the gesture but not the expense.

I am guessing he is gearing up for a big purchase himself so is justifying it as you had an expensive necklace so why can't he have xyz

Well, I think it is very kind of him. If it was me, I would talk to him and say its not practical for you and in future to please not make such expensive purchases for you without consulting you even though you are very grateful for the thought. Also, unless you both really need the money I would save it for dd.

Please do not make * i mean

You are very ungrateful, who looks up the price of gifts just to use against the person who bought you it. It's none of your business if he paid cash, got on credit etc, it's a gift, the thought that counts. What a grinch you are @Marymaryquiteso

Talk to him. If he bought it on credit then it suggests you aren’t on the same page with regards to money and purchases.

Is he a spender? Does the expensive gift, in his eyes, permission enough to buy himself equally as expensive?

You are not ungrateful, going into debt for something you don’t want is silly. Unfortunately, society drills into men that ‘diamonds are a girls best friend’ and some of them rarely look past the cliche.

@CelestrialWarrior

You are very ungrateful, who looks up the price of gifts just to use against the person who bought you it. It's none of your business if he paid cash, got on credit etc, it's a gift, the thought that counts. What a grinch you are *@Marymaryquiteso*

It's absolutely her business if he's taken on more debt for a frivolous purchase. They're a family. I cannot fathom getting into debt to buy jewellery. It's inconceivable to me that people buy jewellery on finance. I'd be raging if my dh did that. I'd only ever get into debt for essential purchases.

I live in the cheap north west. Full time nursery fees are about £260 per week. That’s about £13k per year. The OP is absolutely contributing to the family.

@Malahaha

They are not both earning. They are saving childcare fees but foregoing a second wage to do so - fine if that’s the decision they made. They are not however both generating money.

It's all perspective, isn't it. When I was a SAHM my husband regarded his earnings as "our" income. We were both working, just in different ways, and the money was all "ours".
My daughter is fortunate in that her husband also thinks this way. It's not "his" earned money; it's "theirs". It's a single family unit, with both working; the money generated belongs entirely to both. If that's how the people concerned view it, who are you to object?

I didn’t say the money doesn’t belong to them both. But they aren’t both earning it. They are not both generating income.

If that’s what you want to do, do it.

@Comefromaway

I live in the cheap north west. Full time nursery fees are about £260 per week. That’s about £13k per year. The OP is absolutely contributing to the family.

Depends what OP was earning before though doesn't it? If she was earning £30k a year she's actually costing the family money not saving it

YANBU.

I always find these types of thread odd where partners seem to not know what the other likes or wants.

My husband and I know what the other likes and dislikes and if we’re unsure, we simply ask. Jewellery is definitely at the bottom of my list. He knows I rather have an overnight hotel stay or a small trip alone vs an expensive piece of jewellery I have nowhere to wear, would likely end up broken by one of my boys grabbing at it and would spend untouched sitting in a jewellery box until remembered.

Unfortunately it's often very difficult to get a refund on jewellery like that. They might only issue a credit note. In which case asking to return it only to fund it can't be would be a bit catastrophic. Contact the shop before raising it with him. I got an expensive watch I didn't like and went to the shop first before I told him I didn't like it. Completely agree though about it being a really silly thing to buy. Men can be odd about status stuff, I asked my husband for zirconium earrings because they sparkle more and you can get bigger pieces (I like big if I am going to wear jewellery at all) and to my total horror he thought I was being "modest" and got me diamonds instead, which I don't want to wear in case I lose them. Annoying.

My DH has very different attitudes to birthday and Christmas than I do. We've recently moved and when discussing gifts I said "oh something for the house", but he HATES that, because we buy stuff for the house jointly, but gifts are meant to be personal (in his eyes). I wonder if your DH does the same.
For me it would come down to how he is normally. Is he normally financial astute? If so, I'd guess the credit was a thought out choice and made sense at the time of purchase. If he can be a bit free and loose with his money then yes you should probably discuss it with him.
Does he normally buy you big gifts, or is this a really random occurrence?
My guess is as PP have said, he's grateful for the work you put in as a SAHM and wanted to treat you as a woman, not as a domestic servant or a mother. Yes he's got it wrong, but maybe he thinks you have forgotten that side of yourself? Have you ever been into pretty things? Before you were a mother and kept a house?

I think this hinges on just how expensive the necklace was. If it was an absolutely insane price, then it would be better to get a refund, if possible. If it cost an amount that can be absorbed without causing actual financial trouble, then I'd definitely keep it, wear it and enjoy it. Your DH was trying to do something special for you, OP, and he'll be very hurt and disappointed if you don't want to accept it. Is it really worth causing him pain?
I'm another one who's concerned about the fact that you say you hardly ever leave the house. Why is that, OP? You need to get out of the house every day, for sake of your health. You need daylight, fresh air and exercise.

@formerbabe I disagree, I do not consult with anyone in my family when buying gifts, I pay for them!

The thing is OP, you said it was very pretty so it sounds like he chose something you would like. If you put the need for practicality aside and he has decided he can afford it, and in 6 months time the baby won’t pull it (and in the meantime can be taught not to) do you like the necklace?

If not tell him

If you do then agree some ground rules for presents going forward.

Keep it. It will be something nice to pass down to your daughter in years to come.

[quote CelestrialWarrior]@formerbabe I disagree, I do not consult with anyone in my family when buying gifts, I pay for them![/quote]
Nor do I. But he hasn't paid for it outright. He has put his family into debt.

I wouldn't be grateful either.
Different if you could afford it and wasn't purchased on finance.
It was a silly present to buy even good intentions doesn't excuse it he isn't thinking in the real world.

[quote CelestrialWarrior]@formerbabe I disagree, I do not consult with anyone in my family when buying gifts, I pay for them![/quote]
I do the same. But the important bit being I pay for them.

I’ve paid almost £800 for Elton John tickets as a Christmas present. Dh was aghast in the midst of his delight. But the money came from my personal account that I had built up over a long period of time. (& was also in lieu of the fact we had no holidays this year) I didn’t put the family into debt for it or suddenly take £800 out of the household budget.