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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

193 replies

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 09:49

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 29/12/2020 12:15

I think the fact that it's on credit probably has an effect too because it's not like her DH saved up for a few months, or however long, to make it a justifiable cost. There is now the attached thought process everytime you wear it of "Oh, this is costing me x per month" (or that thought would be there for me anyway).

covidaintacrime · 29/12/2020 12:17

They are not however both generating money.

That's true however OP should get as much freedom and control when it comes to spending because they are a family unit. Especially when it's not something DH has bought for himself, it's something that is meant to make OP happy.

Original poster
Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 12:17

[quote Sausagedog1]@Parkperson because I'm assuming the OP and her DH have discussed this and decided together that OP should be at home for the children. Here are some reasons:
Because not all people value luxuries and diamonds over everything else. Because sometimes it isn't financially viable to work. Because she doesn't need to 'earn her own money' the money he earns is shared because her work is the children and house. Because some couples find life less stressful and hectic with one parent at home. (She already said she can afford necessities like school shoes)

I find it unhelpful when people tell someone to 'get a job' on threads like these when they would happily suggest they pay someone else for the childcare. Why is looking after your own kids not a job? Someone has to do it. Do Nanny's not have jobs or does it only count if you look after someone else's kids?
I'm not a SAHM by the way but I understand why lots of women are.[/quote]
👍 thank you

Wasn't expecting this to come up. I really thought the tangent would be "he's cheating on you" but I don't think that's been said at all Grin

OP posts:
Martinisarebetterdirty · 29/12/2020 12:20

I’m not sure when gift giving became more about the giver than the receiver, and maybe it’s because it’s a diamond necklace that seemingly a lot of people would like to receive. I’m also not sure why a SAHP has to be grateful to do that or why they need to be told to get a job when presumably it was a joint decision to stay at home.
OP - tell him you are returning it. Ignore posters telling you that you are ungrateful like it’s a bad thing - you don’t have to be grateful for a shit present even if other people think it is a good one. Chances are he knows you well enough to know it’s a mistake and daren’t broach it himself.

Deux · 29/12/2020 12:20

You’ve mentioned twice OP, that you’d thought ppl would suggest your DH is cheating. Do you think he’s cheating? You’re the only one who’s mentioned it.

zigaziga · 29/12/2020 12:21

Your DH is managing to provide for your whole family single handedly and I do think it’s a bit patronising to tell him that he’s spent some of his earnings inappropriately. Unless there’s a huge back story to him having out of control spending
He’s not spent his earnings on it, he’s spent his future earnings on it.
Personally I would class putting a frivolous Christmas present on a credit card as pretty bad financial management, wouldn’t a lot of people?

And yes the OP should work if they as a family can’t live on one salary and can’t afford the basics but according to the OP, they can, it’s just they can’t really afford an expensive diamond necklace. I don’t really see why an extra income is needed to buy diamonds.

grapewine · 29/12/2020 12:22

@2pinkginsplease

Accept it for the lovely gift that it is. You say it's not practical just now but a simple diamond necklace can be worn at any time.

He thought he was doing a good turn and obviously feels he can afford the monthly payments.

I'd hate dh to feel shit about a thoughtful gift he bought me.

This. Not everything in life has to be practical.
LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 12:26

Personally I would class putting a frivolous Christmas present on a credit card as pretty bad financial management, wouldn’t a lot of people?

Only if they are very silly about credit cards.
The buying protection is excellent - much better than debit cards
Often they have cash back. I get about £200 in JL vouchers a year from ours.
Buying on credit can be very sensible and financially efficient.

mumof2exhausted · 29/12/2020 12:31

My husband and I both earn good money and have savings etc , if he bought me a diamond necklace I’d be pissed off about the waste of money, as in these times especially I’m never going to wear it. We tend to spend a decent amount on presents that we wouldn’t normally buy ourselves that are also used - this year I got a new Barbour coat which was around £300. It’s all about cost and value. A diamond necklace would cost a lot but have zero value to me personally, and my husband knows that. The fact that he’s bought it on credit is ridiculous

PleasantVille · 29/12/2020 12:34

I'd hate dh to feel shit about a thoughtful gift he bought me

That doesn't seem to be the case here though as presumably not much thought has gone into the gift as the OP has given more than one reason it's not something she wants, needs or is likely to use.

Carolofthebellies · 29/12/2020 12:36

"Diamonds forever!" Keep it.

covidaintacrime · 29/12/2020 12:37

I agree with a PP that people get too wrapped up in the fact that it was a nice piece of jewellery.

A £200 bar of soap might be lovely to a soap collector, but it's probably a bit "wtf" if you've never expressed a liking for soap before (especially if it's on credit!)

Original poster
Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 12:37

@Deux

You’ve mentioned twice OP, that you’d thought ppl would suggest your DH is cheating. Do you think he’s cheating? You’re the only one who’s mentioned it.
No, just i was expecting I would have to sift through the suggestions of that rather than the criticism of being a SAHP which I hadn't at all expected

Someone right at the start suggested I would get the same

OP posts:
Malahaha · 29/12/2020 12:44

They are not both earning. They are saving childcare fees but foregoing a second wage to do so - fine if that’s the decision they made. They are not however both generating money.

It's all perspective, isn't it. When I was a SAHM my husband regarded his earnings as "our" income. We were both working, just in different ways, and the money was all "ours".
My daughter is fortunate in that her husband also thinks this way. It's not "his" earned money; it's "theirs". It's a single family unit, with both working; the money generated belongs entirely to both. If that's how the people concerned view it, who are you to object?

caperplips · 29/12/2020 12:49

I think it's unfair to say not much thought went into the gift just because the op has given a list of reasons why she doesn't want it. Not that she doesn't like it.
Equally the dh could have thought he'd like to buy this particular present because:
He sees his wife staying at home to look after young children every day & he recognises the hard work involved in this
He wants his wife to know how much be values her & see her as a person & not 'just' a homemaker
He sees that she always wants to put practicality first & wanted to give her a gift that was simply for its own sake not a gift for the whole family
Maybe he sees that this young family phase is just that - a phase & he realises that it will come to an end & that what they will be left with is each other & making sure that they see each other as partners & not just mum & dad is so important
Maybe he wanted to bring some romance to the relationship...
Etc etc
Its pretty demeaning to think that he's just a stupid man fooled by advertising into buying a cliche present for his wife.
Judging from the replies on here there aren't too many wives being given diamonds anyway so perhaps it doesn't warrant the cliche status as a gift?
Only the OP knows the true state of her relationship & she seems v irritated & annoyed by her husband's one off gesture.
She also mentions she would rather a lie in or a day with a friend or a takeaway (as suggested by another poster) this suggests to me that there may be other ways she doesn't feel supported.
These things are not budget dependent & you can do / have them anyway OP
Good luck whatever you decide to do

Malahaha · 29/12/2020 12:50

They are saving childcare fees but foregoing a second wage to do so - fine if that’s the decision they made. They are not however both generating money.

...and furthermore, we were not "saving childcare fees" or "foregoeing a second wage" because me working outside the home was never even vaguely an option. You write as if that "should be" the status quo and we were doing something odd --- but it isn't.

bridgetreilly · 29/12/2020 12:55

But I also think he should know this is not something I would be happy about so I am feeling cross about being put in this position where I feel I have to say something.

You have to stop expecting him to be a mindreader.

bendmeoverbackwards · 29/12/2020 12:56

OP, is it a diamond pendant or a more fancy necklace? If the former you can wear it every day. I know your say your dd will pull at it but that won't be forever.

I agree presents don't have to be practical or things we need. I love jewellery and find even during lockdown wearing something pretty gives you a lift.

And you can pass it down to your dd.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2020 13:01

I’d not be happy with the credit element but don’t think he should have to ask before spending his own salary.

I’d find it very ungrateful if DH asked me to return a gift I’d enjoyed picking out for him. Obviously not if it didn’t fit or he ended up with two for some reason.

Chamomileteaplease · 29/12/2020 13:04

Those people saying "but it's romantic, he's thinking of you as a woman" etc - nonsense! The OP has said that they don't go anywhere where she could wear it. She would rather have a cheap everyday piece that she could actually wear. He is not thinking of what she wants at all.

Plus it's on credit. Do people not get that this is so annoying and such a bad idea???

TatianaBis · 29/12/2020 13:07

Meh. Some diamond necklaces aren't that expensive.

If you're talking about a high street solitaire for £300 I'd just say thanks and discuss gift giving philosophy at a later point.

If it's grand plus, rather than saying you're not grateful, just tell him it was an incredibly kind and generous gift, and it's very much appreciated, but it makes you worry about money & you don't want him spending his hard earned cash on things you can't wear often.

TatianaBis · 29/12/2020 13:09

@Chamomileteaplease

Those people saying "but it's romantic, he's thinking of you as a woman" etc - nonsense! The OP has said that they don't go anywhere where she could wear it. She would rather have a cheap everyday piece that she could actually wear. He is not thinking of what she wants at all.

Plus it's on credit. Do people not get that this is so annoying and such a bad idea???

Depends on the necklace. A cheap solitaire you could wear anywhere.

I think he is thinking of what she wants, he thought she would want it and he was wrong. We all get presents wrong sometimes.

How bad an idea credit is, depends entirely on how much it was.

formerbabe · 29/12/2020 13:11

I'd be fuming. Jewellery on finance is so stupid to me.

Reallystressedout · 29/12/2020 13:13

You need to tell him its too much and you'd be happier with something cheaper. If it can be returned then do it.

Presents on credit (unless you are absolutely skint) are really unnecessary IMO.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 29/12/2020 13:14

Ask him to return the gift and maybe buy you something a bit more practical- pair of slippers, book to read,
Very nice present though 💎