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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

193 replies

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 09:49

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 29/12/2020 11:18

@Iwonder08

You would prefer your husband to spend money on home improvements over a diamond necklace for you?! You know marriage is not only about practicality and convenience of being roommates and procreation. I feel sorry for your husband

Not all women are into sparkly, expensive things. OP's husband should know her. He bought her a shit gift because he got her something that she didn't want, put them into debt and made her feel bad about it.

CounsellorTroi · 29/12/2020 11:22

I know this is not quite the same but I inherited my mother’s engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy, not very fashionable, insurance value is more than I would consider spending on a piece of jewellery but I wear it most days even if I don’t leave the house. OP your daughter will not always be of necklace pulling age and you may get opportunities to wear it when she is older/grown and gone.

sausagepastapot · 29/12/2020 11:23

DH did this with a £1,000 designer bag a few years ago when we were poor...I opened it in front of my whole family. It was a beautiful bag but a horrible colour. It was really awkward, as my family were very impressed but I was horrified as I knew I would be essentially paying off a bag I didn't love and couldn't justifiably afford.

My ex BIL (who was a wanker) had 'a word' with DH to express his utter disgust at my ungratefulness. Twat!

I made DH return it. Now we have a lot more money he still owes me a bag...!

I totally understand your position. I think if you can return it you have to.

Sausagedog1 · 29/12/2020 11:25

Wondered how long it would take for people to tell the OP to get a job
Yeah, because she should obviously make that big decision in order to be able to afford diamond necklaces she doesn't want or wear.
And a life without diamonds and luxuries isn't joyless.

CrotchBurn · 29/12/2020 11:25

Have you considered getting a job? That way you can contribute to income and wont have to rely on credit

MollyButton · 29/12/2020 11:27

You need to talk to him honestly - and have a frank discussion about your attitudes towards money. Find out why he thought that would be an appropriate present?

But to be honest I would also be trying to get at least a part time job too.

Thinkingg · 29/12/2020 11:27

@beavisandbutthead

Your DH works and buys you a diamond necklace and your complaining because he bought it on 0% interest.

So your DH is carrying the financial burden for the family and then being berated for getting his wife a nice gift on credit. If your that worried about money get a job yourself and share the burden and use your 30hrs free childcare a week. Assuming your in the UK of course...

Presumably it was a joint decision that he works and the OP does childcare. Just because he is the wage earner, doesn't mean that she should have no awareness of or input into deciding their household budget. "Go out to work or keep your mouth shut about what he spends the money on" sounds very regressive to me.

TallTowerFan · 29/12/2020 11:27

Exh was always buying me expensive gifts we couldn't afford. We were behind on the council tax and rent , but that was okay because I had a beautiful cashmere jumper , an expensive leather tote bag and a tiffany bracelet.

I'm not saying that the op's partner is like this , but it's a slippery slope isn't it?

Iwonder08 · 29/12/2020 11:28

Maybe the guy just wants to spark some romance into his boring marriage? He is paying for it, she doesn't. I bet he spent time and effort to try and choose something she might enjoy. He obviously got it wrong, however I think he just wanted her to feel appreciated and valued. Some people might be even grateful for such a gesture even if diamonds are not their cup of tea.

Original poster

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 11:28

OK the school shoe thing has been misunderstood

I was trying to convey my attitude toward money

That is i don't spend on unnecessary items so I do have money when necessary items are required. So ANY amount on unnecessary necklace is a waste

The necklace is expensive (much more than shoes!). The most expensive item I own and more than I would ever want to spend on jewellery. The price is irrelevant as to some it could be small.

Just imagine your price limit on a single necklace and what you would think is too much.

Put it this way

I would pay 2 potatoes for a lovely necklace and be very satisfied with that. This is 20 potatoes

I do have savings of my own and the ability to work. By spending this much my DH has effectively spent my savings and future earnings on something I don't want.

I appreciate the comments and it's been enlightening to read them and see so any different points of view

OP posts:

Original poster

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 11:30

Thank you for the posts about what this might symbolise for DH

That has really made me think and consider a different view

As a SAHM (more than 1 child) I think you may be right with him getting something just for me

It's hard to think what I would want

OP posts:

Darklane · 29/12/2020 11:31

If you are going to broach being unhappy with his gift you need to be very, very careful. I suspect he will feel very hurt no matter how tactful you think you are being.
He’s obviously bought a special gift for someone he loves & thinks deserves something beautiful rather than just the practical day to day stuff, it’s a love token really isn’t it. A special gift to keep for the rest of your life & know how much he loved you to give it to you. It sounds like he’s the only earner in your family so must think he can afford it ( unless you think he’s an irresponsible fool? Which wouldn’t bode well for your marriage)

caperplips · 29/12/2020 11:31

Jesus wept - it's total competitive misery here now! And no, women don't love jewellery because we see it in movies & can't distinguish reality from fiction! Seriously?!
Lots of people love and admire jewellery for its own sake & there is NOTHING wrong with that.
People can admire the skill & craftsmanship that goes onto a beautiful piece of jewellery in the same way they can admire a beautiful painting or piece of music. Should we bin all creative work because it's not 'practical? What a sorry miserable world we'd live in then.
I adore & value my jewellery above all pretty much all other material things I have. I have always loved it & even when I was a v young graduate on an internship I saved from my incredibly modest income to buy jewellery from a design collective in that city. More than 25 years later I still have that jewellery
Throughout the years I was at home with small dc my husband regularly bought me jewellery for birthdays / Christmas/ anniversaries etc. Yes there was always something around the house we could have spent that money on & we weren't always rolling in it in the early years (we weren't living with holes in the roof or broken appliances either though ) but we have never regretted the jewellery. Each piece is handmade & I have them all & wear them still & they are full of memories. They will be our dd's one day.
I get that op doesn't feel quite like that but perhaps her dh wanted to buy something for its beauty & not just purely practical for once. Does he have no choice in the matter?
And also- not all diamonds are unethical.

Blueraccoon · 29/12/2020 11:32

When I was little my dad bought my mum a beach bag for Christmas. You could see he was pleased with himself as she opened it. She wasn’t impressed, declared she would never use it and wanted to return it. The look of hurt on my dad’s face has never left me. Please be careful how you speak to him about it.

Personally I think you should keep it. One day you may treasure it. It’s a token of his love for you. If you do ever run into serious financial difficulties it can be sold then.

I’m currently wearing my mum’s diamond and sapphire ring and I’m the least showy or dressy-up person you could meet. It’s nice to have and I wear it from time to time. I doubt I would have kept the beach bag

Original poster

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 11:32

@CrotchBurn

Have you considered getting a job? That way you can contribute to income and wont have to rely on credit

I haven't got anything on credit

OP posts:

Parkperson · 29/12/2020 11:33

What is wrong with the suggestion the OP get a job?
Seems eminently sensible, particularly if her daughter needs school shoes.
The OP's husband is expected to provide financially for the whole family on his salary alone and he is in trouble for buying her a present.
I do understand that it is sensible to return the present but it would be a wonderful feeling for the OP to buy her DH a present with money she has earned herself rather than using his money to buy him a present.
Go back to work OP, no matter how part time. You will feel a whole load better about money.

MrsBrunch · 29/12/2020 11:33

@Iwonder08

There are plenty of ways to make someone feel appreciated and valued without having to spend money. Getting into debt isn't romantic.

Original poster

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 11:34

@MollyButton

You need to talk to him honestly - and have a frank discussion about your attitudes towards money. Find out why he thought that would be an appropriate present?

But to be honest I would also be trying to get at least a part time job too.

Genuine question - why the job comment?

OP posts:

Malahaha · 29/12/2020 11:35

Does everything in life have to be practical & useful ?

Not at all. But if you don't really care about diamond necklaces (and as we can see here, not everyone does!) it's a waste of money.
Now, if my husband was to buy me a wonderful trip to a far off country I'd accept right away, even if it isn't useful and practical because such an experience means more to me than any luxurious "thing" such as jewellery. We are all different.

ravenmum · 29/12/2020 11:37

Are you properly annoyed with him for not knowing better, or do you think he must have done this with a good motive, and appreciate him wanting to do something good?

If the latter, I think my approach would be something like "Sweetie, I know you wanted to give me a nice gift, and I love you for that. It was a really sweet idea, but the timing is a bit off. I'm going to feel bad about wearing it - and won't be able to wear it for ages. I'm not going to enjoy it as much as I would enjoy a cheaper necklace. Don't take it as criticism, but could we swap it for something less expensive? I'd love that even more."

LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 11:37

Interest free credit can be a very good way of paying for something that you’d otherwise use savings for.

Thinkingg · 29/12/2020 11:38

I think you need to talk to him very gently. He's obviously tried to do a lovely thing, he wants to show how much he values you. But it's making you unhappy and puts a long term dent in your budget, and due to all these thoughts you probably won't even enjoy it when you do use it.

Try to listen carefully to his reasons behind buying it. Maybe it's symbolic of deeper things he wants to celebrate in the relationship. Then make a decision together about what to do.

HeyMister · 29/12/2020 11:39

How long will it take him to pay off? My husband bought me a gorgeous diamond for our engagement and put it on 0% card but had it paid off within 4months.
I can see your point but I can also see how lovely & generous your husband is being and he's just showing his appreciation given that you are a SAHM.

crosspelican · 29/12/2020 11:39

The biggest thing that I noticed in your post that you said you almost never leave the house.

Why is that?

You don't say much about that specific thing, as you maybe don''t think it's very important, but even during the main lockdown, we were still leaving the house (primary school aged kids) every day at least once, which meant (me) showering, clean hair, presentable, and to make up for the fact that we couldn't go anywhere "nice", a piece of jewellery or just something a bit more than leggings and a jumper. Even, if I had one, a nice necklace.

So... I'm assuming that you're not terribly well off, so even a diamond necklace bought on credit probably isn't a literal cascade of many carats of diamonds across your bosom, but probably a small one on a chain, right? You can wear that all the time. If your baby grabs at it, you move her hand away and say NO. If she's bigger than a baby, then she won't grab at it if you don't let her.

So WEAR IT. Maybe your husband is trying to give you a boost? Maybe it's his way of saying "hey babe, you're brilliant, you deserve something gorgeous - here is something tiny but very special that you can wear a lot... maybe... even when you leave the house this week?"

I think the biggest thing to look at here is why you don't leave the house. The necklace is a red herring.

Take another look at @HazelWong 's post upthread.

Laiste · 29/12/2020 11:40

I would pay 2 potatoes for a lovely necklace and be very satisfied with that. This is 20 potatoes

That is a very good way of describing it!

I have no axe to grind here i just wanted a bit of perspective on the cost. The school shoe mention threw me off.

Forget it's jewellery. Jewellery has a romantisised image. Imagine he'd used credit to buy you ... an expensive shoe rack for eg . I imagine pretty much all posters here would advise you to just gently tell him a cheaper one will do just fine and lets send it back for a refund a look together for that cheaper one.

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