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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not grateful for DH's gift AIBU

193 replies

Marymaryquiteso · 29/12/2020 09:49

DH gave me a diamond necklace. It's very pretty and expensive.

I accidentally found out how expensive and I'm not grateful.

I am a SAHM and we think hard together over any big purchases and never spend this much on anything that wouldn't be practical. He is paying monthly on 0% which I am also really unhappy about as I hate credit.

I have no occasion to wear this necklace. I hardly leave the house and it will sit in a drawer. I have a young daughter who would pull at it so it is not everyday wear.

I could think of other ways to spend that money - home improvements for example that would benefit the family.

If it had been a cheap necklace I'd be more grateful and comfortable.

I thought he would know this as I don't want expensive things that we can't afford straight out and the idea he is paying for this every month is horrible when we could need that money for something.

The whole thing has made me uncomfortable and I worry why he would put me in this position when he should know how I would feel about the credit and the unnecessary gift

AIBU?

Also how do I tactfully talk to him about this? He doesn't know I found out how much it was or about the credit. It can be returned I think.

OP posts:

Comefromaway · 29/12/2020 14:39

@LittleBearPad

Personally I would class putting a frivolous Christmas present on a credit card as pretty bad financial management, wouldn’t a lot of people?

Only if they are very silly about credit cards.
The buying protection is excellent - much better than debit cards
Often they have cash back. I get about £200 in JL vouchers a year from ours.
Buying on credit can be very sensible and financially efficient.

It can be sensible, if the money is there. I put all expensive purchases on my credit card. But only if I know the money is there to pay it off.

The OP says it isn’t.

Ilovemaisie · 29/12/2020 14:41

If you had won some money that was only allowed to be spent on something that would be a 'treat' would you have chosen a diamond necklace? Or is there something else that deep down you have always dreamed of having? If the answer is no you wouldn't buy a diamond necklace then this really is a pointless thing to own.
If I was a gazillionare I still wouldn't buy one. I have no interest in one (although I too may say "it's pretty").
I would tell him otherwise this will hang over you and you will begin to despise the necklace and be too terrified to ever wear it.
If he is a decent man and loves you he should understand this.

Comefromaway · 29/12/2020 14:43

Dh once did something similar on me. He bought me an IPod Classic not long after they first came out. Meanwhile I was having to save the cash my parents gave me for my birthday to pay for ds’s 5th birthday as we were skint (both birthdays close after Christmas).

I don’t want an iPod classic. I knew I’d never use it. It was big and bulky and didn’t even have a screen. If anything I’d have loved a little iPod nano at a much lower cost.

I sold the classic but we lost money on it.

sbhydrogen · 29/12/2020 14:45

Are the payments affordable? 0% isn't really a big deal, it's a bit like having to pay for a utility bill, etc. Is it spread over a year? Can he pay it off early?

I'd just wear it and enjoy it for the time being.

ScrapThatThen · 29/12/2020 14:45

He gave with the intention of valuing you I think, probably because you always prioritise others/the home improvements.

1forAll74 · 29/12/2020 14:49

I would feel exactly the same as you, but it depends on how you think your Husband will react, if you tell him about all your thoughts on this necklace. I guess that some men will splash out on something they consider as lovely and glamorous for a wife, despite the price etc. and not think too much about the payments later. It's foolish to do this, but it's what happens a lot I imagine..Maybe it can be returned, to ease your mind a bit, if your Husband is in agreement.

LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 14:57

The OP says it isn’t.

But as she hasn’t spoken to her husband she doesn’t definitively know.

Malahaha · 29/12/2020 14:59

...don’t think he should have to ask before spending his own salary.
It's not his own salary. It's family money.

I’d find it very ungrateful if DH asked me to return a gift I’d enjoyed picking out for him.

Which means you were thinking of your own enjoyment, rather than the other person, putting your own pleasure first.

Pugdoglife · 29/12/2020 15:22

I'd say thank you and be very grateful. He probably thought you would appreciate a grand gesture as a sign he appreciates you and everything you do for your family, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Remember it's a diamond necklace not an electronic gadget, it won't lose value while it's sat in a drawer. Depending on the style you might want to wear it every day when your little one is less likely to grab it or wear it on special occasions and pass it on to your little one in the future.

Then I'd have a gentle chat about budgets for gifts before the next occasion.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 29/12/2020 16:31

You are definitely not being ungrateful, OP.

An expensive gift that you don't want, have no use for and is putting your family into debt is nothing to be grateful for.

It's a present where the gifter hasn't put any thought into what YOU would like or enjoy. A

CelestrialWarrior · 29/12/2020 20:55

@Comefromaway oh wow Elton John! Hope you have an amazing time, hopefully all concerts will resume next year!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/12/2020 13:17

it's not his own salary. It's family money.

No, it's his own salary, as long as the bills are paid and OP gets some money she can choose how she spends too. She hasnt said he's a dick about that.

He earns a salary, he is entitled to make his own decision about buying a gift with some of that money, he doesnt have to turn a whole wage packet into the wife on a friday night, it's not 1950.

Admittedly this doesnt sound sensible if it's on credit but he may have carefully planned out the cost and worked out what repayment he can afford with his share of the spending money.

I think a careful but honest conversation OP but be gracious and appreciative of the effort. There are millions of women out there who would love their husband to treat them to a posh necklace.

Duanphen · 30/12/2020 13:32

YANBU OP. It's ludicrous he's bought something so impractical he can't even afford, that takes so much from the family finances. You've got food and home improvements to worry about and he's frittered on this. It's not 'kind', it's dense beyond belief.

I think it's weird that newspapers and magazines give off this idea that at Christmas you have to spend hundreds or thousands on something. I do not want presents at all, but set a £20 limit if someone wants to buy. I dislike the guilt at receiving something expensive I don't want and won't use. I've got jewellery to sell, too, but like you - how do you raise it without them losing their temper? Ugh.

Duanphen · 30/12/2020 13:34

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

it's not his own salary. It's family money.

No, it's his own salary, as long as the bills are paid and OP gets some money she can choose how she spends too. She hasnt said he's a dick about that.

He earns a salary, he is entitled to make his own decision about buying a gift with some of that money, he doesnt have to turn a whole wage packet into the wife on a friday night, it's not 1950.

Admittedly this doesnt sound sensible if it's on credit but he may have carefully planned out the cost and worked out what repayment he can afford with his share of the spending money.

I think a careful but honest conversation OP but be gracious and appreciative of the effort. There are millions of women out there who would love their husband to treat them to a posh necklace.

So the crux of the issue is she's married to a dolt who'd sooner spend money on stupid trinkets than on far more necessary purchases. Her kids can't eat diamonds.

If the man hasn't got the common sense to spend his money where his family needs it most, and instead wastes it on grim symbols, he's of no benefit to the family.

CheltenhamLady · 30/12/2020 14:23

Buying on a cc is often very sensible as it offers section 75 protection that buying by Debit card doesn't (automatically) have.

We often use 0% to buy bigger items, even though the money is in the bank. Why wouldn't you?

I don't think there is a suggestion from the OP that her DH is anything like the person @Duanphen writes about.

Nowaynothappening · 30/12/2020 14:45

Talk to him about it.

My DH only had one serious relationship before me and she was quite ‘girly’- into jewellery, nails, fake tan etc. I am not like that at all and I honestly never wear jewellery other than my wedding ring. When we first met he bought me an expensive necklace and a Pandora bracelet for my birthday. I thanked him but told him he really shouldn’t have spent so much, especially not on jewellery because I don’t especially like jewellery. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I knew I wouldn’t wear them and I hated the waste. He returned them and got me something else I did like. He wasn’t offended, he was glad I’d been honest.

I’d ask him to return it because you won’t even wear it and you could use the money for something more useful. Plus the fact he’s bought it on credit kinda means you can’t afford it anyway so it was a rather silly gift.

justaweeone · 30/12/2020 15:57

About 12 years ago when mine where small my DH bought me a diamond necklace as a surprise with a bonus he'd received
Yep the money could have been used elsewhere especially as we didn't have much spare money but it was obvious that he was so chuffed to have bought this for me
I'd didn't say anything but accepted it graciously and still value it now and wear it all the time now in recent years
It's a tricky one OP

thegcatsmother · 30/12/2020 16:16

I have a diamond pendant that dh bought me for our 25th anniversary and earrings for my 40th. I love and wear both; the pendant every day.

I think this was a gift the OPs husband wanted to make to his wife. I know my dh would feel hurt if I rejected the gift and the thought behind it.

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