How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

[buddhabuddha1]

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like . I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

I get that this is hard but it will only lead to resentment.
Next time they ask say no and your savings are in an account you can’t touch as you are saving for a holiday/new window/whatever.
When they ask again you say no and just keep saying no until they get the message.
They are taking advantage of you by borrowing cash and then having reckless spending patterns

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I would have had kids if I’d known you could sponge off them as adults.

what would happen if you didn;t give them the money.
also pay the bill, not the person.

@Whythesadface I honestly don't know what would happen I guess the bill would still have to be paid. Perhaps they would arrange a payment plan...or save

When they next ask, say you can’t help with a loan, but willing to sit down and help them plan a budget?

I am reminded of that TV programme last year where a lady was struggling - she wanted to give her iphone to her 12 y/o DD as she was about to upgrade her own - whilst her little boy was sitting eating cornflakes with water (as she couldn’t afford to buy any milk) 😟
Priorities we are wrong - but it took someone else to point it out.

By giving them money you are enabling their behaviour.

Either say no - on repeat.

Or sit them down say yes this time but massive string is they need to give you information about their finances and they need to sit down with you and go through everything as you're really worried about this behavior and you can't go on lending money and feeling increasingly resentful.

In either case it's a stick to your guns and ignore the emotional blackmail and I image they'd be push back with both or it's accpet this behavior and figure a way you can cope with it long term ie putting so much away each month so you have it to give to her and don't get your extention.

If you say no to the new loan, don't expect to see that £250 again. People like this have a tendency to believe that having new requests denied means all outstanding debts can be ignored

I agree completely; however unless OP's prepared to go on loaning indefinitely against pointless promises to repay she'll never see the money anyway ... only by then she'd have lost a lot more because the amonts are going up

buddhabuddha1 you've still not said why you find it hard to refuse?
Also, if it's "the first time this has happened as such", has something changed for her recently, or is it that she's only recently found out about your savings?

She is never going to get any better if you keep funding them. If you love them and want to help you need to say that they need help to reduce spending so they dont have to keep borrowing money. And dont lend them £1k. You are not obligated to fund them. They need to take responsibility for their own money and finances. She knows you will bail her out so has no need to stop spending

@Puzzledandpissedoff I find it hard because it's my DM. And I care deeply about her. This is happening now because as I said a lot has happened over the last few years.

My Dm is the same, buys loads of clothes and home items but won't spend on food and bills. It doesn't really affect me aside from the complaining about being skint and refusing to do things like pay for a coffee if we go out, so I have to pay EVERY SINGLE TIME or we don't go. She even expected me to pay when I lost my job in March.

I find it hard because it's my DM. And I care deeply about her

No doubt, but how is encouraging this sort of behaviour helping anything - either for her or you?

Whatever the backstory, wouldn't it be more appropriate to signpost her to some budgeting help rather than just enabling her?

Whatever the backstory, wouldn't it be more appropriate to signpost her to some budgeting help rather than just enabling her?

Is this not my question??? How do I broach that in a nice way??

Don't lend them any money then it won't be your problem.

@buddhabuddha1

Whatever the backstory, wouldn't it be more appropriate to signpost her to some budgeting help rather than just enabling her?

Is this not my question??? How do I broach that in a nice way??

I think if you broach it in a nice way then she probably won’t “hear” you

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying be mean to her, but you need to be firm. “Sorry mum, we don’t have it to lend”

We’ve done the same as you, paid off our mortgage and then we had an extension. We saved most of it and then paid the rest off over the last 5 years (drew down from the mortgage). It’s taken me and DH 30 years and a lot of hard work and sacrifices to get to the position of not having a mortgage (twice!) and I wouldn’t be happy “lending” money to someone who has no regard for paying it back. Good luck OP, hope you get it sorted.

How do I broach that in a nice way??

Say you know she's been finding things a bit difficult and point her towards some suitable debt advice/budget planning info - Stepchange is usually recommended: www.stepchange.org/debt-info/your-financial-situation/making-a-budget.aspx

I doubt she'll make any lasting use of it though; why would she, when it's so much easier to just use you?

As so many have said you can change this, but first you've got to actually want to - and only you can decide that

All you can do is tell her your worried about how she is overspending and leaving herself short each month.
Tell her you will pay the bills direct, so you know they are not being ignored and then tell her does she think 2021 might be a good time to look into where her money goes, as your worried if you lose your job you won't be able to help her.

I think you're going to have to literally sit down with your mum and come out with it. Tell her you cannot keep lending her money anymore, that she spends it on crap otherwise this situation is going to go on forever

@buddhabuddha1

Whatever the backstory, wouldn't it be more appropriate to signpost her to some budgeting help rather than just enabling her?

Is this not my question??? How do I broach that in a nice way??

You have to be perfectly clear that the bank of buddhabuddha1 is closed. Tell her that you simply don't have the money to spare any more, but don't get drawn into any discussion about why that is. Whether she opts for help with budgeting or not is entirely up to her. It doesn't take Einstein to work out that if you spend your money on unnecessary stuff it won't be available when you have urgent debts to pay.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

My guess is that OP is desperate to move out of her parents' home and is saving up for that. It's possibly difficult because they have let her move back after an abusive relationship or something and reassured her that she could stay rent free. The parents could think that as their child is not paying them rent then they are quite entitled to ask them for loans. Possibly the dynamic is that they quite like having her living there and don't really want her to move out, and this is a way to sabotage it and letting themselves off the hook about it. I bet they tell all their friends and neighbours that they don't charge their child any rent and they all think they're great.

Wow , OP has said she lives in her own home with no mortgage. You have just completely made up this scenario.

[quote buddhabuddha1]@Puzzledandpissedoff I find it hard because it's my DM. And I care deeply about her. This is happening now because as I said a lot has happened over the last few years. [/quote]
By this do you mean your mum has had some sort of trauma or loss and her MH is suffering? Or did she lose some source of income or an asset and is still trying to keep the lifestyle of her 'previous' means?

If either of these are true then they need addressing now. Do you feel she needs counseling or medical intervention? If so, then tell her so when you have the financial discussion. If she's lost money somehow (divorce/death of spouse/loss of income) then you need to point out to her that she is now in reduced circumstances and needs to retrench. If you really love her (and I believe you do) then you need to take the bull by the horns and be honest and 'strict' with her. And steel yourself for her tears and recriminations, knowing that you are doing the right thing.

Another thing to remember is that life is uncertain, we none of us know what tomorrow will bring. If you should 'fall off the face of the earth' tomorrow, what would become of her? How would she manage without you there to bail her out? And how unkind not to prepare her to stand on her own two feet.

I think there’s a point where you realise that you’re having to be the grown up here and just have that conversation.

Mum you asked me for £1,000. That’s on top of the £x you owe me from last time. I’ve recently realised that I’ve lent you a lot over the years and it can’t carry on as I have no more spare money now. Mum I love you so we need to work on this together so you have a better handle on your money so you’re not short as often. Let’s look at what your monthly budget is and how you might be able to save so you’re better off and can pay off what you owe me and anyone else. Or if you prefer here’s the details for step change/credit union/money saving expert there’s a great budgeting tool on there.

If she's paying you back slowly and then just borrows more then you aren't ever actually getting the money back because you keep handing it over to her again.

If you're not going to stop financially supporting her, it may be easier to set up a monthly direct debit based on what you can afford and tell her that's all she's getting no matter what the situation. Alternatively, you could pay to top up her gas and electric or take over a utility bill.

I wouldn't financially support another adult when they're spending their own money on crap but different strokes for different folks. I know it's not always that straight forward and family dynamics come into play.

I literally don’t understand the issue here.

Hey, no, sorry. I can’t afford to give you any money.
Done.

if you want to elaborate and be extra nice (which you don’t owe to anyone, but I appreciate it’s DM)
..you still owe me money and I need that myself
..if you need help I’m happy to take you to see someone, they may be able to help you budget or work out how to get a payment plan on your bills, or we can go through your monthly budget together if you like?
...why don’t you sell/return that new lampshade you bought...

Literally just stop giving them money, and as a grown adult they’ll have to figure it out for themselves.

I’m not sure what ‘a lot has happened over the last few years’ means
Do you mean you feel guilty and owe her? (You need to get over that / address that / get therapy)
Or she’s had a hard time and you’re giving her money to help her feel better? (Not your burden, stop taking it on, maybe get her some other help)
Or she used to have money and now she doesn’t and she doesn’t know how to budget (this current situation will never end if you continue)
Or something else?

@buddhabuddha1

Whatever the backstory, wouldn't it be more appropriate to signpost her to some budgeting help rather than just enabling her?

Is this not my question??? How do I broach that in a nice way??

Nice way is to say hey do you need help in managing your budget , but if she constantly comes to you for money then when she has it spends it she probably won't listen. So just say no I don't have it , you know I need it , I'm saving up , I can't possibly lend you anything for the foreseeable. What do you expect her to say oh yes please then problem resolved ? You need to tell her no bail outs , tell her your happy to help her manage her finances etc but she can't keep living beyond her means . Your Dm may be annoyed and it may lead to a row but either way do this or you will have to continuously keep giving her money .