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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

272 replies

buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 11:47

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like Hmm. I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 28/12/2020 13:27

You can't change their behaviour only your behaviour. That's all there is to it. You need to stand up for yourself.

Chloemol · 28/12/2020 13:27

You don’t say anything to them until the next time they ask for help. Then it’s sorry I don’t have any spare money. If they carry on say moneys really tight at the moment but this is what I am doing to cut down, then explain budgeting, saving etc etc

Just don’t give the any more money

caringcarer · 28/12/2020 13:31

Tell them you can't lend them £1k in Jan. Is it for a tax bill? If so they need to put money aside every month to pay that bill.

Calmandmeasured1 · 28/12/2020 13:31

You need to just tell her that you are now saving for whatever and that you can no longer loan her money. Then you just stick to that decision.

It is really none of your business how she conducts her finances. You are only responsible for yours. You just have to be brave enough to say no and keep saying no. You aren't helping her by pandering to her. You are her enabler. I wouldn't be proud of being in that position.

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 28/12/2020 13:31

Actually it is that easy. You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own attitude to it. Just say sorry, I can't at the moment. Do not justify with further information or respond to challenge. Although if they are rude enough to challenge then you should tell them that you're sick of bailing them out, and that your New Year resolution is to stop enabling them.

caringcarer · 28/12/2020 13:35

Advise them to use the bank for loans like others do.

thosetalesofunexpected · 28/12/2020 13:38

Hi Op
You need to be straight with them,your family member.
Be Assertive..
(You need to Work on setting firm robust personal boundaries.

(You are enabling that family member by being a financial safety net for them(,cushioning them against any financial realities of life.

Caterinaballerina · 28/12/2020 13:41

It’s all well and good people telling you to just say no but if you are looking for ideas on ways to broach it. Why not suggest they need to start keeping receipts and be prepared to return some of their treats because you can’t lend anything any more. You could take the stance you find them poor at budgeting rather than openly showing you judge for what they particularly spend their money on.

thosetalesofunexpected · 28/12/2020 13:43

Hi Op
Don't for heaven sake say "l can't lend at the moment" to your family member.
As this leaves you wide open at a later date,to being manipulated yet again, by your parasitic family member..
(Its hardly susprising as you are being such a mug/a fool.

Lucked · 28/12/2020 13:44

I think we need to know a bit more about the dynamic. How old are you? Why don’t you have any rent/mortgage? What is their relationship to you?

I do agree with the above that you can’t change them but you need to work on changing yourself.

Also have you ever sat down and had a serious conversation about this? They have no issue bringing up money with you so why should you be shy about it.

SoftSheen · 28/12/2020 13:45

Don't lend them £1,000. You are perfectly entitled to change your mind, particularly since they already owe you anyway, and I think you should.

HappyDays10101 · 28/12/2020 13:46

Message them to say that you're done the maths and you can't afford to lend them money in January. Try to avoid apologising for it

This

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/12/2020 13:49

They know they aren’t spending wisely op, you pointing it out won’t change anything.

Tal45 · 28/12/2020 13:51

Why do you feel you can't say no?

BeyondFrustrated · 28/12/2020 13:52

Just say you have no money.

I know someone who has a shopping/spending addiction and there’s no point trying to change them. If I dared mention it they would cry for days, take it very personally, hold a grudge and probably threaten suicide again.

Take a step back from them if you can.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/12/2020 13:53

It's going to be really difficult for you, but you're going to have to start saying no to this person. I understand how much it's going to sting as it's your parent, but you're not helping as much as you think.

You don't need to be mean, just say next time they ask, sorry I don't have any spare this month which is absolutely the truth of you're saving up. Do you live with this parent OP? You sound absolutely wracked with guilt even though you've bent over backwards to help this person out Flowers what is your relationship like other than the money issue?

MaryLeeOnHigh · 28/12/2020 13:54

They have no incentive to be more careful while you're there providing a safety net. You have to make it absolutely clear that you're not providing any more. They have enough time to raise a bank loan for the expense they've got coming up next month, and will just have to sort themselves out from then onwards.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 28/12/2020 13:57

You are annoyed at them for having no self control over their spending but you don't have any self control over your spending either. You're spending your money on them.
If you believe you can't avoid giving them this money, you have a spending problem too.
It doesn't matter what your expenses are or debts or whatever, you just need to stop spending your money on this relative.

stayathomer · 28/12/2020 13:58

Everyone, it really isnt that easy if you're getting tapped for a doctor's bill or an electricity bill or something else necessary to live. We have the same, a relation who lives way beyond their means and then gets stuck but who helps us out so much in life when we're really stuck eg we have to rush to the hospital they mind kids etc, or they spoil the kids, play with the kids etc. OP I feel for you, this is a tough one!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/12/2020 14:00

My guess is that OP is desperate to move out of her parents' home and is saving up for that. It's possibly difficult because they have let her move back after an abusive relationship or something and reassured her that she could stay rent free. The parents could think that as their child is not paying them rent then they are quite entitled to ask them for loans. Possibly the dynamic is that they quite like having her living there and don't really want her to move out, and this is a way to sabotage it and letting themselves off the hook about it. I bet they tell all their friends and neighbours that they don't charge their child any rent and they all think they're great.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2020 14:01

Do you live with your parent(s) still, @buddhabuddha1? Is that why it's so hard to refuse?

Next invasive question - is there a cultural aspect to this that would make it harder to refuse?

Otherwise I think in all honesty you have to just say No. Explain that you are putting ALL your spare money into a Trust account for your goal, and that you can't withdraw it again as it will cost you money to do so (you lose interest and may incur charges, depending on the type) so no, you actually can NOT lend them XYZ.

Otherwise you're going to find it much harder, and take much longer, to reach your goal.

Toilenstripes · 28/12/2020 14:01

I would let them know that as of whatever date you won’t be able to lend them anymore. It gives a cut off date to get their act together.

user1471538283 · 28/12/2020 14:02

So do you think that your needs and wants and life is less important than this relative's? You say no and repeat saying no with a fair bit of how expensive everything is and you are saving. £1k is alot of money to loan anyone!

They will never learn whilst you are willing to shore them up.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2020 14:04

Just as she (hopefully) taught you valuable lessons about responsibility as a child, now it's your turn to teach her one. She needs to learn to live within her means, even if she's never had to do it before. Tell her the 1st National Bank of slimshady has closed due to insufficient funds and there will be no more loans.

Unless withdrawing that £1000 is going to result in her being homeless, going to prison, or starving I'd tell her I could no longer afford it. She'll just have to put up with whatever hardship she ends up in.

If you do end up forking out the £1000, do NOT give it to her. Pay whatever debt it is directly to the debtor.

2bazookas · 28/12/2020 14:06

Both of you share the same problem; you don't take responsibility for your own behaviour.

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