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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

272 replies

buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 11:47

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like Hmm. I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

OP posts:
WayTooSoon · 29/12/2020 20:27

Could you suggest both doing some sort of money saving challenge as your new year's resolution? Eg only spend £1/day or £20/week or whatever sum you can agree on (there is a book called "how I lived for a year for a pound a day" you could buy for inspiration). At the end of the month, compare notes. Once she sees how much she has saved in a month, she might be mindful of cutting back in some areas more permanently.

Tinkerbell1980 · 29/12/2020 20:43

Tell DM your money is tied up, you get better interest in saving accounts where you have a limited number of withdrawals per year and have to give 30/60/90 days notice to get it. Tell her your goal is the extension and interest rates are so low you need to take drastic measures to reach it. If you can't access it there's nothing she can do, she'll have to stand on her own two feet.

sbhydrogen · 29/12/2020 20:46

Stop enabling them. Don't give any money, or if you must, give them a tenner.

ExpatAl · 29/12/2020 21:04

Just say no. No need to comment on her spending choices.

Mamanyt · 29/12/2020 23:20

The bottom line is that you teach people in your life how to treat you. If you "lend" money when asked for it, every single time, you are teaching that person to treat you as an ATM (dunno if there is a different term in the UK, cash machine). Tell them no. Tell them no. Tell them no, yet again. If you feel you must, tell them that you are saving for something, or that you've had an unexpected expense, but tell them no. Me, I'd simply tell them, "I'm sorry, I can't just now," and leave it at that.

nitsandwormsdodger · 29/12/2020 23:55

Do you know why your mum is spending like this ? Is she depressed?grieving ? Are these frivolous splurges pick me ups ? Is it possible she actually has a spending problem that she needs help with ?

supperlover · 30/12/2020 00:36

Is it possible your DM has a shopping addiction due to depression? Maybe help her seek help if you think that's the underlying problem. Trying to get her to budget if there is a problem would be a bit like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking without support of AA or similar. You should definitely stop giving her money just in the same way you wouldn't give an alcoholic a drink. Buying stuff offers short term comfort but that's what it is, short term.

Celestine70 · 30/12/2020 02:41

Is she short of money, does she work? Is there benefit she could claim? You just need to tell her no more after this 1000.

dramaticpenguin · 30/12/2020 08:18

is really hard when it's your mother. quite hard when it's your sister, but I've stopped that one! but definitely hard if your mother is the kind of person who would and has given you her last pound in the past, how can I refuse help when I can?? Mine just does ridiculous things like buying a laptop from a catalogue for 400 pounds when she could have waited for my husband to help her pick and got one for 150 or less as she only needs it for online shopping and letter writing! or 200 on a vacuum without reading reviews, or 80 on a random coffee table that feels like cheap crap... etc etc. And a costa coffee everytime she goes out! sorry for hijacking but 8 have sympathy!

XmasBelle · 30/12/2020 09:58

[quote buddhabuddha1]@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard. [/quote]
You're being ridiculous!! You say you haven't got any money, yet you are giving away 1000 to them because they haven't got it.

Are you Santander?

gingerbiscuits · 30/12/2020 12:52

You don't have to broach anything - just stop giving them money - problem solved. 🤷‍♀️

londonscalling · 30/12/2020 12:57

Why don't you ask them if they can lend you some money as things are tight for you? It would be interesting to see their response!

buddhabuddha1 · 30/12/2020 13:23

@XmasBelle I never said I didn't have Any. I said I'm living on as little as I can do I can save the rest.

OP posts:
lcdododo · 30/12/2020 13:27

Ahhhh this is all your own fault

Just say no

tonzer65 · 30/12/2020 17:30

@NerrSnerr

Just stop giving them money. Then it isn't your problem.
My son is the same. He is hopeless with money. What angers me is that he and his partner practically live on chippys. They hardly ever cook a decent meal for themselves. We could feed ourselves for a week with what they pay for 1 chippy!!! When their money runs out they expect me to bail them out. I lend them and they pay it back so it is a vicious circle. I have had a good idea though. I too am saving to get a decent car next summer so I will just put all my spare money into the Credit Union and say that I am not allowed access to any money for 6 months.
BestBeforeddmmyy · 30/12/2020 18:51

The person is taking advantage of you. This is why you should not feel guilty. They are abusing your good nature and they need to be shown that they cannot treat you like that. Not lending the person anymore money is not nasty at all. They were bad to assume you would keep giving.
Think of yourself. They are making you waste your money on them.

Mintyt · 30/12/2020 19:03

Say sorry I have no spare money to lend. - if they ask why. Say I've put all my spare cash I. A pension so when I'm older I will be able to afford to live well

Valkadin · 31/12/2020 00:56

Never ever discuss your finances with anyone except your partner. No one knew that DH and I paid off our mortgage when we were still really quite young in our mid thirties because we didn’t tell a soul. As soon as people know you have money they invariably want some. I have never told anyone what I earned, nor what savings I have. It should really be a rule for life for all.

me109f · 31/12/2020 01:05

Sounds like someone is treating shopping as a hobby, a sort of retail therapy. It may be a growing problem and logic may not be effective at all as it could by a psychological issue. They like the high of shopping and buying something, even if it is rubbish. You should explain your relationship with this 'close family member', sounds like a sister or mother? It is pertinent.
It may be worth ridiculing the value of their purchasing and suggest they sell the stuff if they are running short of money. Not only should you not feed this habit by refusing to 'lend' or give anything, you should threaten to have them referred to a psychiatrist if their buying habit in any way bothers you again.
However, if he or she really has a problem you may find that nothing will change. Daft purchases will just be hidden. I knew an elderly woman like this. She was a terrible acquisitor, became an insane hoarder and no amount of effort would make her change her ways.
Best of luck.

veryveryquietly · 31/12/2020 07:27

Going to go against the general grain here OP.

It's your mother. If she's the one who carried and birthed you (or adopted you), who raised you, who helped pay for your upbringing and education, who was and will be there to support you emotionally, then I wouldn't be able to just bark 'no' at her and threaten to cut her off, threaten to refer her to a psychiatrist (!?! really?) etc.

Of course it varies according to your own family history and circumstances, but I know in my case it would be very hard to tell the person who has sacrificed tons for me in the past, who was presumably essential in helping me become successful, that 'the gravy train is over'.

If she is genuinely struggling with how to budget and new expenses, then you need to support her in learning to do so. The various stepchange resources people have mentioned above are great. But I'd also say that it wouldn't be surprising if she's struggling a bit, as she is ageing and we're in the middle of a pandemic that has affected many people's spending and income.

All the blanket 'just say no' answers here aren't considering your relationship, her situation, and whether she has genuine needs in an especially difficult time. Why did she spend on a new lampshade or a new set of curtains? (Maybe she's not a hoarder as posters above seem to think; maybe 9 months of lockdown staring at the curtains and lampshades she's had for the last 30 years made her think it was time for new ones?) That's more important to understand than to treat her punitively.

Also, since most of the posters here seem to have few financial issues themselves, they may not realise that it is not so easy as popping down to the building society and getting a personal loan these days, particularly if your mum is already overextended and on a fixed income. Lots of banks are increasing fees and cutting back on lending, and at a time when basic costs like fuel, food, and taxes are already going up. If she has equity she can release that's a different matter, but it depends on her personal situation as to what resources are available to her, and she may need some help negotiating those.

Perhaps introduce it as you've noticed she's having more trouble and unpredictable outgoings, so you want to help her get things sorted, which is especially important given that (presumably) she's dealing with them on a fixed income or soon will be, if she's not retired already. That's the best way you can be supportive. Especially as you are fairly fiscally savvy yourself.

If you have children, you could present it as 'I need to be saving for the childrens' educations, so let's figure out how to make sure your situation is working.'

Obviously, depending on your past relationship and circumstances - ignore all of this if it's a 'stately homes' type family, there's been emotional abuse or manipulation or whatever - it could be different.

But if it's a supportive and loving relationship, she's your mum, and think about how you can help.

stayathomer · 31/12/2020 12:13

It may be worth ridiculing the value of their purchasing and suggest they sell the stuff if they are running short of money. Not only should you not feed this habit by refusing to 'lend' or give anything, you should threaten to have them referred to a psychiatrist if their buying habit in any way bothers you again.
There's tough love and there's breaking somebody. Please don't take this advice.

sadblackcat · 03/01/2021 12:51

Say, Sorry I know you are broke but so am I, perhaps you could see your way to lending me a fiver this week. I will take it off the amount you owe me already.

You are enabling this behaviour so I don't see why you are on here compaining about it.

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