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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

272 replies

buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 11:47

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like Hmm. I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

OP posts:
Original poster
buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 12:13

@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 28/12/2020 12:13

What is it you find so hard about saying no OP?

Are you worried about their reaction? Do you feel obligated? Guilty that you have more than them?

As other have said you can only change how you react, but understanding why you feel like you do might help

Original poster
buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 12:13

@Valkadin yesSad

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 28/12/2020 12:14

As above, are they paying you back. If they are, ok then. If not you say,,, have you got that 100£ from 2 weeks ago as I can't afford any more.

CelestrialWarrior · 28/12/2020 12:14

You tell them NO next time they ask, only way they will learn is when they struggle financially.

CakeRequired · 28/12/2020 12:14

I would actually speak to them so that they understand why you are no longer funding their house decorations essentially. Tell them that they need to stop spending more than they have coming in, that you can no longer afford it as you need to save, and they are on their own. You can help them work out a budget to stick to, but that's as far as it goes.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/12/2020 12:14

Tell them that you don't have any spare money as you made sure you budgeted and set aside enough for your bills, food and other essentials and now you're using the spare money left over for that fancy lampshade, limited edition crystal vase and diamante Jedward-themed snowglobe that you've had your eye on for some time.

What can they possibly say? Tell you that you shouldn't spend your money on tat ornaments for you, because they want you to spend it on the same stuff for them?!

Redlocks28 · 28/12/2020 12:16

Stop lending them money-you are completely enabling them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2020 12:16

If you’re saying you can’t stop lending them money - you definitely can as it’s your money and you can simply not give it to them - then how do you imagine you’ll be able to convince them their financial decisions are wrong?

You can’t stop them spending on crap but you can stop caring as you won’t be funding any of it.

I hope this isn’t going to be one of those completely pointless threads where you ask for advice and then claim putting it into practise is somehow impossible.

SimonJT · 28/12/2020 12:16

You are actively choosing to give them money.

If you don’t want to give them money stop choosing to give them money.

You are choosing to enable their behaviour. If you choose not to give money you are just an onlooker.

HughPewBarneyMcGrew · 28/12/2020 12:16

Why on earth did you say yes? You need to learn the word "no".

Why should you scrimp and save so that they can fritter money away?

Just. Say. No.

Brobbles · 28/12/2020 12:16

To be honest I have no sympathy for you OP. You are letting them take you forever a complete mug. If you can’t put your big girl pants on and just say no then you’ve only got yourself to blame, not them.

GreenLeafTurnip · 28/12/2020 12:17

🙄

shinynewapple2020 · 28/12/2020 12:18

Can you not just say you have no spare money or you are paying off your own debts ?

Maybe you could say if they are really struggling you could offer them some food? Ie basic foodstuffs such as milk, bread, tins.

Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 12:19

You’re actually contributing to their problem - be that budgeting difficulty, or pure entities selfishness. Every time you give your parent money, you’re actually part of the problem.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 28/12/2020 12:20

Why don’t you sign up to a fixed term savings account so that you can maximise your interest rates for this big thing you’re saving for. Then the money will be locked away and you won’t be able to give it to them.

AgeLikeWine · 28/12/2020 12:20

they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes

There’s your problem, OP, and nobody can resolve it except you.

shinynewapple2020 · 28/12/2020 12:20

Ok just read your update they have asked for £1,000. I can't even imagine a situation where a family member would be asking for this unless it is your adult DC?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2020 12:21

You are actively encouraging and enabling their life choices and lack of responsibility.

If you stop lending/giving them money, they will have to learn new resources (could be another mug, could be their attitude evolves).

OP you are codependent and choosing to be passive and malleable.

You say, they spend money and are crap with money. True.

Posters on this thread say, you are also crap with money and have no boundaries. Also true.

Both you and your family member have some development to do.

In short, stop lending money, take responsibility for yourself. At the moment you’re as bad as her. Take control.

Gonkytonk · 28/12/2020 12:21

@buddhabuddha1 you don’t change their behaviour. You change your own.
As long as you continue lending them money you are 50% of the problem.

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 12:22

[quote buddhabuddha1]@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard. [/quote]
In this instance I would say something like )if you really must lend them the £1,000)

“I can lend you this but we need to agree a repayment plan because you owe me £250 already and I am saving for X so I will need it back by Y. So can you set up a standing order for £250 per month please. I won’t be able to lend you any more because all my money is going towards X.”

And then stick to it. You don’t need to keep enabling them.

rawlikesushi · 28/12/2020 12:23

You give them fair notice that it won't be happening any more.

You've said yes to the £1000 in January, so when you hand it over you make it really clear that it will be the last loan and they need to budget accordingly.

You don't need to say why. I suspect if you talk of saving for something special they'll just say that they'll make sure they've paid you back by then. Say you're paying extra into your pension or something, and will no longer have anything spare.

BrutusMcDogface · 28/12/2020 12:23

Why on earth would you keep lending the money?! £1,000 is a lot of money to never get back, or get back in dribs and drabs.

You are enabling the behaviour which is not doing your family member any favours in the long run. Why should they be careful with their money, when they know you’ll just continue to bail them out?!

I think people are struggling to sympathise as you are half to blame in this situation.

BonnieDundee · 28/12/2020 12:23

I sympathise.with it being difficult to say no if therea an expectation but newsflash - they will never ever stop the crazy spending as long as you give them money. You might have a conversation and they might say all the right things. They might even really mean it. But they will not stop. Saying no is your only option here.

shinynewapple2020 · 28/12/2020 12:23

Ah so it's a parent. Did they always struggle with money when you were growing up ?

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