How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

[buddhabuddha1]

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like . I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

@buddhabuddha1

No I don't live with them. It's just DM. I have no rent/mortgage as we have it paid off. But...my savings goal is for a much needed extension to my house. Haven't read all of the replies as of yet.

You still basically have to say no.

What is the cash you're lending them for?

If you can’t say a simple ‘no’ then you won’t be able to tell them to change their spending habits.

@CurlyhairedAssassin not the case at all in any way.

@Lucked-I am mid 30's, mortgage paid. Saving for an extension (that I would like to pay cash for). The person is my DM.

So they get to have what they want and you don't. It only gets worse you have to stop now. I bet you that they won't pay you back in full what they owe you once you say no more. I dread that they will blame you for all sorts including the deterioration of your relationship etc etc but enough is enough it simply has to be. You have needs that you will not meet at this rate. If you suddenly needed money what would they do

Say you can’t lend any more money as you are 1) paying for your extension and 2) you haven’t been given the rest of the money DM owes you.

Does she think the money is hers , did you say get money from an inheritance that skipped a generation to pay off the mortgage ?

If you lend your DM this money - or realistically, you will be giving to her, be honest - what's to say she won't be back with her hand out in another six months for another few hundred? Nothing. Because you know she will probably try it. Because you never say no. Say no now, so she can start to manage her own finances & you can save for your extension.

Of course you can help her in other ways, help her to budget, look for ways to cut costs, find better deals on things, there's a lot you can do if she's willing to accept practical help & doesn't just want bailing out.

@Raxer26A no I'm just good with money, worked abroad for a good few years and had a large cash deposit.

It is about choices. You can’t choose how others spend their money or what they do. You can only choose to remove yourself from the pattern. This way you end up with the money you have rightfully earned and the opportunity to offer your point of view.

This is hard to do without consequence - they may be upset with you for a time, they may think badly of you. Neither are reasonable, neither are your problem, but it may still sting as it feels (and is) unfair.

The answer to the question in your OP is that you can’t - from my experience with a similar family member they don’t even correlate their spending habits /sprees with the outcome of being short of money. They just flag it to you when the reason is ‘acceptable’.

So they don’t ask for money for a new lamp. Instead they buy the new lamp, and then realise the next day that they don’t have enough money to pay a bill / get food/repair central heating (insert reason here). This is when they come to you, and being a decent human you don’t want to turn them away so you hand it over and on it goes. Even if it is paid back it is a painful process and you always end up losing out. And if you raise concerns about their spending habits it’s ‘none of your business’ - which clearly it is, they just don’t see it.

In my situation I have now withdrawn financial support, if food is needed to feed kids I’ll organise a delivery on my credit card but that’s it. They will never take responsibility for their own affairs if they have someone to fall back on.

Simple say no, you need it for x. Then ingore them and anymore requests for money.
They get their own money, you keep giving it to them is enabling their behaviour even more. They won’t stop till the money tree dries up.

Lots of advice given here is good but if, in reality, you don't feel able to do an about turn, you need to "make an excuse" (lie). Think of something unassailable that they can't pick apart or try to diminish. Maybe you've just been hit with a £10,000+ bill for new roof or serious plumbing problem, whatever. But you need the £1000 for first payment and will be setting up a payment plan for the rest for months to come. You have no spare cash. Convince yourself it's true

"I'm not going to be able to lend you any more after this mum. I'm setting up a DD that will put everything left at the end of the month into a savings account that I can't touch. Until I've got enough to pay for the extension I'm not spending on anything else. I also need a date by which you'll pay that £1k back so that I can plan."

"no, but I can help you set up an account on eBay so you can sell things to make the money instead"

OP - this is going to sound a bit harsh - but stop being so wet.

It’s very easy to stop giving someone money, you just don’t want to because it will cause some strife. But you cannot get what you want in life by totally avoiding strife.

If you want to be nice - give them notice by explaining you won’t be able to lend money this year, so they need to handle their finances better and here are a couple useful websites.

Then practice what you’ll say when they (inevitably) ask / put pressure on.

And then get on with your life.

@Davros

Lots of advice given here is good but if, in reality, you don't feel able to do an about turn, you need to "make an excuse" (lie). Think of something unassailable that they can't pick apart or try to diminish. Maybe you've just been hit with a £10,000+ bill for new roof or serious plumbing problem, whatever. But you need the £1000 for first payment and will be setting up a payment plan for the rest for months to come. You have no spare cash. Convince yourself it's true

Great idea

“Sorry mum, that £1,000, I need it myself for the house now so I can’t lend it to you after all”. Then signpost her to a credit union, they can lend her the money without a payday loan high interest rate, but will also support her to consider her budget and spending habits.

You have to change your thinking. Lending her money is taking away her responsibility towards herself. You are not being kind by doing this.
"Mum, I can't lend you any more money, I'm saving up."
That is all you need to say.

It’s really as easy as you say no and decline to lend the money
Either you can’t or won’t decline and they continue to borrow,you continue to fret
Or you say no. Up to you whether there’s an accompanying reason giver

Also I must add, if you give , say £1000, and get it back in dribs & drabs then the moneytary and social value is diminished by staged repayment. The impact is decreased, it’s easier to save a few hundred than £1000. The £1000 has a greater impact

OP I feel your pain with this situation.
A lovely relative of mine is going through this with a lady friend who has moved in.
She spends all her money on shite from TV shopping channels or her (adult) children when descends into hysteria when she thinks about the possibility that my relative might pass away before her leaving her unable to afford a 3/4 bedroom house.
My relative responds by saying he doesn't want to leave her in the lurch, seemingly unaware she's doing that all by herself.
I have to accept the fact it's up to him at the end of the day but he's being taken for a mug and I hate seeing it.
You have to stop op, you can't be expected to sacrifice your life plans for someone who ultimately has to take control of their own life.

I agree that it will be very difficult to just cut the money off if she has become dependant on you. Could you do it in baby steps? Ie. She asks for £250 and you say I can only help you with £100 at this time until you gradually end up saying no?

Another one is to mention when you hand the £1000 that this has been a very big effort for you so you won’t be able to contribute for other stuff this year.

Tell them now that you have had a big expense, and will not be lending or giving them any money in future.

You absolutely CAN put a stop to this, and you must.

Just tell her that you can no longer keep lending her money because it is causing issues for you and leaving you short. Then don't give anymore.

I echo AcrossthePond55

"Unless withdrawing that £1000 is going to result in her being homeless, going to prison, or starving I'd tell her I could no longer afford it. She'll just have to put up with whatever hardship she ends up in.

If you do end up forking out the £1000, do NOT give it to her. Pay whatever debt it is directly to the debtor."

Thank you everyone. I guess it's hard as we are close and it's the first time this has happened as such. A lot has happened over the last few years too. She was and is a wonderful mother. It's just at the moment our views on money differ terribly.