How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

[buddhabuddha1]

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like . I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

@2bazookas

Both of you share the same problem; you don't take responsibility for your own behaviour.

This! For goodness sake how many more people have to tell you to just say no.

But we all know you'll give them the £1k in January 🙄

So why post?

It will never stop until you stop.
You aren't helping them by being their overdraft. You are enabling them.

You are looking for a magic sentence that will transform them and make them happy with you and delighted to change and there'll be no negative repercussions but magic doesn't exist.

They will throw epic tantrums.
They will be fucked off. Call you names. Make threats or dramatic declarations. You need to be strong enough to let them. When a kid tantrums for sweets, giving in and buying sweets because you feel bad that they're chucking themselves around is crap parenting and only teaches them that tantrums work.

This isn't really any different.
You just have to decide if you are going to follow the hard path and stop helping them to waste (your!) money or if you are going to give up altogether and add them onto your bank account.

It is easy to say no.

You are worried about what happens after you say, "no".

What is the full back story, OP?

It really is that simple I have a friend like this tried helping her but she can't help her self dont offer money then she won't own you it.

Don’t broach it. You dont need to explain why you are not giving them money. If they ask, just refuse. They’ll eventually get the message.

You have to take the view that once you give them money it is literally and psychologically 'out of your hands'. They're asking for a loan, not for you to give them budgeting advice. If you can't do one without the other, then don't give the money.

I agree with Across the pond 55

If you do end up forking out the £1000, do NOT give it to her. Pay whatever debt it is directly to the debtor

then say no ever onwaards.

Print this off, www.stoozing.com/soa.php then sit down with them and fill it in honestly, so their predicament is right there in front of them in black and white.

They are spending more than they have coming in and have no savings to fill that void, but are unreasonably expecting you to do that for them.

It can't continue.

YABU - you dont get to deem whats important/valuable to someone else.

Stop lending them money, you are making it a 'you' problem by getting involved just stay out of it completely.

[quote buddhabuddha1]@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard. [/quote]
Oh for fuck's sake! Why in god's name did you say yes to lending them a thousand pounds? Why? You thought they should have saved for it but you didn't SAY anything!

"It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard."
If you loved them you would say no. Seriously. All your meek little yeses just keeps your parent trapped in this merry-go-round. Is that what you want for them? Is that what you want for you? Do you want to kiss the goal you intended to save for goodbye? If it is then keep saying yes.

IF YOU LOVED THEM YOU'D SAY NO.

Stop enabling them. It won’t make him or her love or respect you more. Why on earth would you agree to lend a £1K when he or she still owes you half of the last lot? Do you see how batshit that is? Do them a favour and say no.

New Years resolution....give to charity and don’t lend.

Just say no. Your are enabling them. It will be painful to begin with but once they realise you aren't there to bail them out they will plan better.

Point them in the directions of loans. It’s not your responsibilty to finance them. If they get cross when you refuse, then just be cross back. Don’t be scared of confrontation. Point out all their expenditures. Don’t give them any more.

You are enabling them to continue with spending your money how they see fit. There is a saying “fools and money are soon departed..” and to earn a pound os to understand the value of a pound” spenders need to gel the reality of their crisis no to have power or food whilst surrounded by tat!
.

We had to tackle this issue for my ex-SIL. My 20+ yr old nephew had part time jobs and kept working to give his mother money to help pay her bills. I had to advocate the only way my nephew could help her was to pay the Bill directly.

Both my nephew and ex-SIL learnt the value of money & family. And family are not bottomless money machines. Be firm to help them
In the long run.

@Brobbles

To be honest I have no sympathy for you OP. You are letting them take you forever a complete mug. If you can’t put your big girl pants on and just say no then you’ve only got yourself to blame, not them.

I totally agree.

@iloveruby

I'd mention in passing that you are now saving up for something and therefore won't be able to help them out in future. This will only work if you stick to it though as no doubt they won't change there spending habits until they really have to!

Why should the OP have to make excuses, it’s her money and as others have said she needs to stop giving it to them.

everyone is saying here that it's simple to say "no" to someone you love but it often isn't

Not "simple", no, but then things which are worth having often aren't

Doesn't mean they're not necessary though ...

You need to just say no, and keep saying no, but you know that.

I would find an experienced counsellor or psychotherapist and have weekly sessions with them whilst you stop enabling this behaviour. You are going to need support and the £1000 would be far better spent on good therapy to achieve a long term solution to this, otherwise it will never end.

If you say no to the new loan, don't expect to see that £250 again. People like this have a tendency to believe that having new requests denied means all outstanding debts can be ignored.

But how likely is it that you'll get £1250 back? I have a feeling the £250 won't come back to you either way.

I think you need to invent some costs or debts to get them off your back.

My nephew often needs to borrow money at the end of the month
When it started to creep over £100
I told her that I wouldn’t lend him a penny over £100 and if I didn’t get that back I wouldn’t lend him a penny more
I don’t mind lending him £50 one week and say £30 another week if they are a bit short
But I won’t let the amount go above £100 and thru understand that

[quote buddhabuddha1]@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard. [/quote]
That's what you need to say to them

Saying no, and dishing any guilt about it, is the best thing to do. Once you do it,it becomes easier, even though it might be a family member, but it has to be done.

No I don't live with them. It's just DM.
I have no rent/mortgage as we have it paid off. But...my savings goal is for a much needed extension to my house. Haven't read all of the replies as of yet.

I can understand that with a parent it must be very hard to say no, but I don't think making up excuses about why you're not prepared to help act like a cash machine going forward will help the situation, but unless you do something, it will continue to escalate.
It depends on your relationship, but either suggest that you help then with budgeting and money management, or get they get external help from a debt counselling charity - it may be more helpful for them to hear something from a third party than their child, but you can still stay involved and help them budget, etc.
You could either make that a condition of the January loan, or refuse to loan more and explore alternative ways of them meeting the obligation.

Use what TeenPlusTwenty said on P1