How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

[buddhabuddha1]

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like . I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

@buddhabuddha1

Whatever the backstory, wouldn't it be more appropriate to signpost her to some budgeting help rather than just enabling her?

Is this not my question??? How do I broach that in a nice way??

Say to her, calmly, that you understand that she's struggling to manage financially but you can't afford to keep lending her money & she can't afford to pay it back, so maybe she'd benefit from some help in getting her finances sorted out a bit better. As long as you don't sound critical of her, there's no reason why she should get cross or upset with you (she might get upset, but it will be because of the situation, not you).

How does she broach it with you?.Mirror her behaviour but the ask is you letting her know that going forward things are changing.

Lend her the 1k and at the same time announce you won’t have any spare cash this year as it’s all going onto an isa (or other inaccessible account) via a standing order. Tell her you’re saving for an extension so will be living frugally on water and bread to make this possible. Tell her in a chattery lighthearted update. Then when she asks for cash you’ll genuinely be able to apologise and say you would have loved to have helped but your spare cash is inaccessible.

Or, maybe... "actually mum, I was hoping you could lend me some money. I've had a big bill come in for X & I'm a bit short." Or "sorry but I've already lent some to insert name of imaginary friend she can't check your story with as their boiler blew up & I'm skint for the next few months". Have your back story planned, if she's the nosy type who'll ask questions.

Ahhhh, I had similar with my mum. She was always reliant on me to top-up whenever she had prioritised cigarette and takeaway poorly planned her finances.

It was the same with the paying back too - what started as a significant amount of money returned to me in dribs and drabs that just evaporated as soon as it was received. My bank account was actually going down.

It got to the point where she was just being a CF asking every single week/fortnight. I had to have a very frank, and even exaggerated, discussion about my finances and how they could no longer stretch to cover her. I told her that under no circumstances could I allow her to continue impacting upon my children's needs (yep, played that card) and how any potential savings were being locked away in an extremely tight bank account / ISA that would cost me a kidney to make an early withdrawal.

I didn't ask her to sit down and have a nice little chat, I just waited for the nest request and then gave it to her as fact "OK, yes, you can borrow it this week, I'll bring it to you on Tuesday, and I really do have to say that this is the LAST time I can help you out because of..." Then on Tuesday I reiterated it "remember I said on the phone about xyz reasons? Yes, they stand. Today is the last day I can help you out".

I thin told her I wasn't abandoning her in relation to FOOD. I explained that I could always put it put that on my very expensive 50% interest credit card if she ever truly required it.

It worked out great and she's been a lot better this last year. I guess she realises she can't just go get the takeaway and then ask me for the cash to cover it.

I did have the added benefit of not working at the time though, and I think she took it seriously that the cash cow had indeed run dry.

It's hard to comment without knowing the backstory of what has made her behavior change and if it's something to do with you. Do you have feelings of guilt that are complicating the issue? Or do you just feel badly for her in a general way?

@NerrSnerr

Just stop giving them money. Then it isn't your problem.

This.

Don't broach it nicely. Mn's favourite phrase for this is "'no' is a complete word".
As harsh as it sounds, until they have absolutely no-one to fall back on, bail them out etc, they will never ever learn. And I say this as someone who has had money problems in the past. It is very easy to have blinkers when you don't have to confront the issue as there has always been a fallback

Hi DM,
I’m planning my finances now for the next year as my much anticipated building project in the works. I know it’s awkward talking about money but I wanted to let you know that while I am able and happy ( to lend you the 1K you need, after that all my money is going into the house extension so I won’t have any spare to lend. I thought it was as well to be clear about it so you can plan to take this into account. I’m happy to give you a hand with budgets and planning if that’s of help?
Hope you understand and give me a call if you want to chat about it.
Speak to you soon,
Your loving daughter OP xxxx

Put the savings in an account you can't access and tell them that you can't loan them anymore else you can't afford your bills and food. You could even have an amount you need to put in each month.

Far easier to say "no I don't have any spare" when you don't.

Just say no, my dd did this to a friend, he would borrow money for bills, this was before lock down, then he'd go clubbing at weekends, so she said sorry I can't lend anymore, the friend of thirty years just drop her, she was so upset, just proves he wasn't a good friend after all.

You're enabling them and it does not help them grow up and be responsible. I know this because my late mom did it with me. It did me no good what so ever. I had to learn the hard way in the end.

Just tell them no. You're being used as a cash cow. Tell them something come up and you can't lend them the money. If they ask you what you tell them politely "that is personal and none of their business"

Wait for the guilt trips. Tell them to get a loan and budgeting help. If they are in debt point them to CAP (Christians Against Poverty) who are very good with helping people sort debt

You can't change anyone. You can only change yourself and what you do. They won't like it. You have to put boundaries in place and stick to it

None of your beeswax just say sorry im skint everytime they ask

to wean them off you maybe next time give them half of what they want, it might sit better with yr head then to say no next time, and tell them something uve had to spend it on, whether that is true or not, like a winter gas bill etc. my mum is the same so i totally understand, shes never had any money til i took over the household finances, she since screams at me for not letting her spend money bt its for the household and not just her.

I sympathise. It’s all v well these suggestions that you pretend you haven’t got the money, but you do and your DM presumably knows this.

I agree with pp who suggest you being honest “I don’t mind lending for essentials but I’m starting to feel resentful that you spend subsequent money on crap instead of paying me back” (pp worded it much better!)

If you aren’t ever getting all the money back, is it worth pointing out that it has essentially become a gift and is that what she wants? If so, you’d prefer her to be upfront about it (which might just concentrate her mind on what she’s actually asking?)

You need to be firm otherwise it will continue and escalate. You need to help her to understand her budget and that she can't rely on you to bail her out. I suggest sitting down with her and talking it put.

I.e. Mum, I love you but I can't keep lending you money. Let me help you look at your finances and come up with a budget so you can save for these big expenses.

If she argues her finances are not your business/doesn't want your help, then you say she is making her finances your business by borrowing from you. She needs to know you won't lend her money anymore, and you need to stick to that.

I'd say

"Mum, I'll lend you the money in January as agreed but I really need you to know that every last penny of mine has to go into savings this year so it can't happen again. Please do not ask me. I also will need the money you owe me back ASAP."

Only if she argues with you or tries to turn it on you somehow I would say,

"You've spent X amount on curtains and lamps in the past year. Surely you should prioritise your bills over fripperies?" Then I'd reiterate that I won't be able to lend again for the foreseeable.

You can't tell them what they can and can't spend their money on. All you can do is stop lending the money. You're saving for something or you had an extra expense this month etc. They'll soon stop asking. To be fair as long as they are repaying the money does it matter how they spend it?

My friend had this with someone always borrowing money and using it for non essentials...eventually she started saying I haven’t got cash but I can take you to shops and buy you some food..or I don’t have cash but I can take you to chemist and pay for your prescription...funnily enough they soon stopped asking her for cash.

Never lend what you can’t afford to lose

Just say no. You’re enabling the situation and you have to learn to say no. It’s the only way they will learn that you can’t be irresponsible and then rely on someone else to pull you out of the crap. Also ask yourself could there be an underlying mental health condition here. The link between depression/bipolar disorder and overspending has been widely known for a while and some anti depressant treatments cause disinhibition, making financial irresponsibility more likely. Just a thought.

Your supporting their habit if this was drugs would you stop 🤔 this is no different stop now .

[quote buddhabuddha1]@NerrSnerr I wish it was that easy [/quote]
it is

Just explain your saving for xyz and leave it at that. You dont need to explain yourself

We have the same problem in our family. An adult offspring has only one pair of shoes, but manages a few un-necessities. The doting parent is trying very hard not to buy any for the offspring - but is finding it almost as painful or more painful than "helping out".