How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

[buddhabuddha1]

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like . I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

When a person is selfish enough to keep on spending other people's money on crap, then I don't see any moral problem with saying no to them.

@BrutusMcDogface

How come you have no mortgage or rent? Are you saving up for a deposit? Sorry for the nosey questions but might help people understand better.

I assumed that OP had paid her mortgage off?

It hadn’t occurred to me that she might be saving for a house..

Even if she is living under their roof, hypothetically, she oughtnt be a banker.

The thing is if you want to make a stand you can't broach it 'nicely'

I guess it depends how you define "nicely". Obviously they won't like being told no, but there's no need for rudeness or cruelty - just a simple refusal would do it, even if it's just until the rest is repaid

Anyway, as said, without further context it's hard to advise

You need to be firm op , if you really don't want to lend her money any longer then don't .
Tell her no you don't have it can't afford lie if you have to but don't lend people money .
I never ever lend anyone money but I would if it was a emergency but not repeatedly and certainly not for buying lamps .
It's up to you op it's not easy if your weak and she's pleading with you but no is a good place to start .

I would say, "How come you are buying XYZ when you still owe me money?"

Say 'you need a budget. I am not able to commit to supporting you with future expenses so you will need to set up some savings or borrow from a bank. I know that it might seem that I can easily afford to help out, but I have costs and plans. I am telling you now so that from January it's not a surprise. '

I'm guessing there is a long backstory to your upbringing why you feel you need to continue to do this.

This. Is there a reason it’s so hard to stand up to their demands/emotional blackmail? 💐

Don't be nice about it, be firm. Tell them now you will not be lending any more money to them in future, and tell them why.

What sort of curtains and lampshades cost £500! (or even 50 quid for that matter!)Quick rummage Amazon/Dunelm For about a tenner or even 20 quid!

OMFG they still owe you for the £500 (ok they've paid half back) and you agree to lend them £1000

Sorry op but you've got mug on your forehead.

A simple 'no' you still owe me £250, I'm not lending you anything else until you pay me back. Once they've paid you back. Simply say 'no' I'm not lending you any money - and YES it is that simple

You can't tell them what to do you can only tell yourself what to do

[quote buddhabuddha1]@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard. [/quote]
Oh you need to say something op .
Is it your dc ? Not that it makes much difference but I can see it's harder to refuse your dc .

Do you feel you "owe" them in some way? I think a lot of children can feel indebted to DP and the DP (Esp DMS!) seem to exploit this .Please never feel you owe them, you really really dont FFS! They chose to have you and give you a good upbringing .But you do not owe them 1 penny ! All the time they are looking after you, they are having the enjoyment and satisfaction of caring for children .Its enough of a reward in itself!

Tell that, on payday each month you'll be putting all your spare cash into a non-instant access account, so there won't be any for them to borrow.

You're the only one who can stop it.

Don't want to sound harsh but either you decided that you don't mind and will keep going or that you need to put a stop to it. If it's the former, then you may as well at least stop stressing about it. To be clear, I think this way lies madness for both of you.

If you want to stop it then at the very least I'd say that you can't lend any more until the current amount has been repaid. It's not really your business to make suggestions about how someone else spends money but OK if they tell you they are broke to ask if they really needed the new lights etc but then leave it at that.

If you stop lending money your relative may possibly stop spending or will ask someone else/get into debt but at least they won't be dragging you down and it really doesn't sound as though it's basics they need.

This is all your own fault.

Their spending is totally up to them. They can choose what they want to do.

You lending them money is totally up to you. You're inability to pronounce the word "no" is your fault.

It does not matter what they say. You say no. If they complain that they then cant pay a bill, tell them to return the curtains/lamp shade/new ornaments. Keep saying no.

They will continue to spend the way the want. Their debt is their problem. It really is very simple and easy to say no, and then stop answering the phone to them and stop replying to texts.

Grow a backbone.

Well you need to actually tell us why it is not as simple as just saying no sorry, I can't lend you the money. Then we can maybe help with the actual problem ( if there is an actual problem to be helped with)

Of course, it's easy. You say no. And then you say, I want to see the money back that I've lent you before you buy any more any crap.

I don't get it. You lent them £500 and they haven't paid you back. You agreed to lend them another £1000. You know they are spending money on something unnecessary.
You are enabling them. Only way for you to help them is stop lending any money.

Ah op this is a very difficult situation - have had similar experiences with a close family member - everyone is saying here that it's simple to say "no" to someone you love but it often isn't.

In my case the person concerned spends a lot of money on decor but then can't fix the plumbing or the boiler. So if you say 'no' they have no hot water. Or in another instance when I have said "no" or I haven't offered to pay when they are in distress, I was appalled to discover they had asked another family member (who can afford it less than us) to take care of an urgent vets bill. It's really not on but they have a total blind spot when it comes to finances and a selective memory when it comes to "borrowing". The added difficulty is they characterise themselves as the most generous of people who would give you the shirt off their back (which they really are, save for the inconvenient detail that they rarely have the resources to do so! ).

OP in your case, I think the only way to break this cycle (which you have to do) is to do it in advance, not when there is some emergency. So tell them that they can have the £1000 (if that is what you want to do) but that will be your last ever payment as you need to start saving for your own reasons now and please not to ask again. Just make that statement and then stay silent ...dont be tempted to fill the silence with words. Or tell them in advance that you have been thinking about this £1000 payment over Christmas and the entire situation, and you dont feel able any longer to fulfil your promise because your finances have started to suffer as a result of their constant borrowing.

Good luck op The New Year is a good time to tackle this sort of thing.

Even if she is living under their roof, hypothetically, she oughtnt be a banker

If the OP is living under their roof, she should still have rent/bills to pay

OP for people to understand your real situation and offer more help you need to clarify why you have no rent/mortgage to pay - that I imagine is a big part of why your parent feels you can afford to keep lending them money and maybe why you feel unable to say no?

You want them to choose change because their spendthrift behaviour is hurting you,

BUT YOU'RE NOT PREPARED TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR and stop lending money to them.

You have to change first otherwise the cycle will never be broken.

Just say no you don't have it as have things you need to pay for yourselves

Just tell them you are saving up for X so sorry but you won't be able to lend or give them money in future. Tell them you are just warning them do they can manage their own budget without expectation of a loan from you. It is that simple. If you don't do this you are enabling and supporting their money mismanagement.