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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

272 replies

buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 11:47

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like Hmm. I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2020 12:25

I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January

Well yes, they will - if you always say yes the amounts/frequency will obviously increase and never mind what your own needs are

Why is it that you find it so hard to refuse? Because as PPs have said, nobody can address this except you

Clarice99 · 28/12/2020 12:25

[quote buddhabuddha1]@NerrSnerr I wish it was that easy [/quote]
The alternative is to carry on as you are then. And stop complaining.

  1. Carry on
  2. Stop

The choice is yours.

Original poster
buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 12:25

@shinynewapple2020 no not always.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 28/12/2020 12:26

[quote buddhabuddha1]@froggybiby yes it does get paid back...in dribs and drabs. I lent them 500 over 2 months ago and I have had just about half back. But they have now asked me for a loan of 1k to help with a big expense that is due in January. I have said yes but in my mind I'm thinking...seriously you have had god knows how long to save for that expense. And you have been spending on curtains and stuff you don't actually need! Meanwhile I'm here, living on as Little as I can do I can save for my goal. It just hurts but I love them so I find it hard. [/quote]
Well more fool you!

You haven't got back the last big loan and now you're giving...yes GIVING... more.

They won't change their behaviour, so you have to change yours.

If you can't change yours as it's "not easy" then why expect them to change?

Either willingly give them money and be at peace with that knowing it won't be repaid, and that you'll be doing this for the rest of time...and so not save for yourself...

Or

Stop giving them money

Porcupineintherough · 28/12/2020 12:26

Sorry OzP but the only way out of this situation is for you to say "no" and mean it. Nicely saying something wont help.

HopeAndDriftWood · 28/12/2020 12:27

@shinynewapple2020 It's a parent, OP confirms it a few posts above yours.

OP, I found this tough too... and to be honest, didn't believe anyone would actually say no. Until one time that I really couldn't lend as much as they needed, and they went mad because they were totally dependent on me being able to subsidise their costs. I don't think they realised it, and neither did I.

It is really tough the first time, but it gets easier, and they stop asking. In my case, they borrowed from other people a few times but felt more pressure to pay it back quickly and in full, and then stopped borrowing and buying shit.

Message them to say that you're done the maths and you can't afford to lend them money in January. Try to avoid apologising for it. Offer to help them to build a budget to fit it in, but don't offer any financial help. The first time will sting, but it gets easier. And keep telling yourself that you don't just need to do this for you, so that you can achieve your goal, but you need to do it for them, or you're enabling their behaviour and making them dependent on you.

But you have to do it, sadly, nobody can do this for you.

shinynewapple2020 · 28/12/2020 12:27

I'm guessing there is a long backstory to your upbringing why you feel you need to continue to do this. It is true you cannot change another person, you can offer practical support or where to get practical support but you can't change things for them .

I think if you do have a sum of money available you would be better looking into some kind of counselling to help you to be able to deal with this on an emotional level abs move forward to live your life without misplaced guilt .

Unsure33 · 28/12/2020 12:28

I agree . Firstly you need to write down what they already owe you plus the 1000 and get them to sign . And then buy a book and give them a receipt every time they pay . And be firm . No more lending until it’s paid back . Then when that’s done all of a sudden you have a large expense or something similar and don’t do it again .

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 12:29

“Look, Mum, I’m getting cross that I lend you money because you say you’re hard up and then you spend on curtains and stuff while you still owe me. And then you ask for more. I don’t want to feel cross with you so I’m not going to lend you any more money. I’ll help you budget if you like instead. But I can’t lend you money again, I need it myself.”

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2020 12:29

You've said yes to the £1000 in January, so when you hand it over you make it really clear that it will be the last loan and they need to budget accordingly

Personally I'd change this to a "no", but anyway it's not going to work unless OP can convince them that she really means it; the stories of desperation will just get more inventive with assurances that it really is "just this one last time"

Again, I wonder what the reason is for not wanting to just say no

QueenOfLabradors · 28/12/2020 12:30

I think some posters may not have picked up that the close relative is actually OP's parent, which does make it much more difficult to say no. I didn't manage to refuse a request for money from a parent until I was nearly thirty. My grandparent, this parent's own parent, had bypassed the parent and left their money direct to the grandchildren - knowing that my parent's budgeting skills were practically zero. My parent was very grumpy when I said I had different plans for my legacy, but the relationship did survive.

Unsure33 · 28/12/2020 12:30

1000:is a lot .it’s a decent holiday . Think about that .

Longtalljosie · 28/12/2020 12:31

This £1000... is it something they want to do in January or something they have already done and the bill is due? To put it another way - if you were to call your mum now and say, sorry I’ve had second thoughts - would they just have to rethink their plans or would they be in severe hardship? Do they own their own home?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/12/2020 12:32

Tell them you'll lend them money this one last time if they give you their bank card and credit card for 3 months. They obviously can't manage their own finances and need someone else to do it for them.

LobotheBotanist · 28/12/2020 12:32

No, don’t have the conversation, as it’s like you taking ownership of their issues

This person sees you a cash point

You need to stop giving them money all the time! Tie your own extra money up in ISA, or similar

And start lying to this person about how much money you have available

Try and stop being a pushover, start standing up for yourself 💪

Ginfordinner · 28/12/2020 12:33

What would happen if you didn't lend the £1000?
Stop enabling them, and say there is no more money available to them as they have bled you dry.

jay55 · 28/12/2020 12:33

The £1000, tell them you miscalculated, you don't have it and money is tight as they still haven't paid you back the last loan.
Throw the guilt back.

OhMsBeliever · 28/12/2020 12:33

My mum was a prolific slender on crap (at one point she had 3 dining tables - she lived on her own!) and often asked me for money.

I had to get strict with her and remind her that I had a family of my own and couldn't afford to keep bailing her out when we didn't have much money anyway.

We had a big argument when I wouldn't/couldn't lend her £500 and I told her I was fed up of parenting her. And another time she was going to put me down as a guarantor for a loan without telling me (she asked me for my postcode and when I asked why she needed it she admitted what it was for)

I really think you're going to have to get strict. If they haven't got the £1000 then they either do without or have to get into trouble with whoever they owe it to. It's not your responsibility to pay them back.

My mum admitted she shouldn't have asked me. But never did change her ways, always borrowing and getting credit cards to pay off loans, loans to pay off credit cards etc till the day she died.

AuntieDolly · 28/12/2020 12:34

Are the amounts they need getting bigger & bigger? Are they testing where your limits are? How did they manage before you started bailing them out?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 28/12/2020 12:34

I’m sorry OP but you’re a big part of the problem. If you said no then they’d have to either find someone else to be their cash point or they’ll have to learn to budget properly

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2020 12:34

I think some posters may not have picked up that the close relative is actually OP's parent ...

No doubt, but some of us who have realised this still wonder why it's so difficult to say no

Obviously it might be different if they genuinely had nothing, but that hardly applies here when they're simply overspending

Longtalljosie · 28/12/2020 12:35

Chastising the OP is not going to help her...

BrutusMcDogface · 28/12/2020 12:35

God, even if it was my parent I’d have to say sorry, but I need the money myself. A one off- absolutely! But not like this.

tigger1001 · 28/12/2020 12:35

@emilyfrost

YABU. You don’t broach it; it isn’t any of your business.

If you’re enough of a mug to continue to lend them money despite their spending habits then that’s on you and you need to adjust your own behaviour.

This!!
oakleaffy · 28/12/2020 12:35

@buddhabuddha1
Shakespeare had it right.
Take it from the Bard!
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be, as you will lose both friend and money”
A paraphrase, as can’t remember phrase exactly..

Stop being “Banker”!

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