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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do you tell a close family member that their spending habits are ridiculous and they need to rein it in??!but nicely...

272 replies

buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 11:47

So, close family member, never has money for the important things... but always spends on crap/house ornaments/clothes that they DO NOT NEED.

You may say...'oh leave them to it, it's not your problem!' But it is as I am the one they always fall back on, ask for top ups etc. I don't mind in genuine emergency's but when I lend 50quid one week and then the following week they are buying a new lampshade I'm like Hmm. I just can't do this anymore...I am trying to save myself as I have a major goal next year and I can't afford to put my goal on hold for them. They are driving me insane! How do I broach this nicely??

OP posts:
midgeghost · 28/12/2020 12:35

You can't tell

You can show by not giving out money to be spent on crap

Actions speak louder than words

Why do you think it will be easier for her to change her habits than you to change hers

BrutusMcDogface · 28/12/2020 12:37

@Longtalljosie - then what is?

People have given her reasonable ideas of what to say to the parent. If she’s not going to say no, then she’ll just have to carry on as she is, missing out on her own life to fund her parent’s new curtains. Hmm

Squeejit · 28/12/2020 12:37

“Can you lend me £50?”

“No sorry, I don’t have it to spare.”

They’ll either have to forego the lampshade or borrow from elsewhere, neither of which is your problem.

Heartlantern2 · 28/12/2020 12:38

Give the 1k whilst saying that’s it now from me, I’m saving for something important and have no more to lend. Keep repeating.

Fefifofaff · 28/12/2020 12:38

Have you actually sat down and calculated how much they owe you, even before the new loan? It's probably a staggering amount.

What are you saving for this year? Is it something a parent should prioritize for you, like a house? Why should your money go on your mom's choice of lampshade?

You are in the FOG and need help extricating yourself. Why do you feel this obligation to support your parent?

CharityEscapeGoat · 28/12/2020 12:39

Don't do it. You're enabling them. DH & I had this with his DPs. They continually spent money on crap, coffee & cake on daytrips out, didn't work fulltime, but moaned they couldn't afford the (very low) mortgage. Constantly tapped us for money. When they asked him for a substantial part of his student loan as they were getting into serious mortgage arrears, I told DH it was up to him, but he'd be moving in with them & not coming back. He saw sense; they didn't. We did try to help them cut back on unnecessary expenses though but they didn't want to hear it. They were repossessed within another 2 years. Predictably, they're in debt again, despite the house sale actually generating some decent equity for them at the time. FIL is retired & MIL could WFH PT, they both could, but it's easier not to & then moan about their finances.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 12:39

Just stop giving them money you nutter. They're not going to learn if theres no consequences, you're not helping in the long run.

Original poster
buddhabuddha1 · 28/12/2020 12:41

@shinynewapple2020 I have no debts and they know that. I have no mortgage/rent either

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 28/12/2020 12:41

@buddhabuddha1
Advise them to get a bank loan.
Not your prob then.
They sound very bad with money ( Yours!).

MajesticWhine · 28/12/2020 12:42

It's time to get tough. It is much harder with a parent. But it's not fair on you and it's time to say no.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2020 12:42

Chastising the OP is not going to help her

Where has OP been chastised? I don't think anyone's said she's being stupid or similar - they've simply pointed out that she's enabling her parent and that only she can stop it, which is no more than the simple truth

It might be useful if OP said why she finds it difficult to say no, but so far there's little additional context

JuniLoolaPalooza · 28/12/2020 12:42

We have this with DPs brother. I'm not sure pps appreciate the level of emotional blackmail and manipulation that can go on. He will say that he just needs £50 to keep the lights on and buy a loaf of bread and will then pay back on Friday etc. He will say we have to lend him the money or he will starve. He did once when on holiday, we couldn't believe he'd gone on holiday abroad without money for food for the last three days. He is 42!
It's very difficult. But, you just have to say no. It has damaged their relationship but the dynamic was pretty fucked up anyway. Good luck OP

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 12:42

[quote buddhabuddha1]@shinynewapple2020 I have no debts and they know that. I have no mortgage/rent either[/quote]
Do you live with them rent-free? That would change things a lot.

If you are a grown-up in a separate household then it doesn’t matter.

MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2020 12:43

If there was a truly easy way to broach this then you would have already been able to stop this. Your approach seems a bit inconsistent as you say you don’t mind helping in a genuine emergency but then get cross when the new lampshade appears.

Unpack this. Does your parent have enough income to cover their needs? If not are there ways of increasing income or decreasing outgoings?

Could you tell them that you are budgeting and won’t be able to help going forward BUT would like to help them budget better? Ideally that includes enough slack to cover unexpected costs and also a very small sum that can be frittered.

You seem to have resigned yourself to the £1k in January. That’s a significant loan which needs to be backed by a written agreement and a direct debit repayment plan. Unless of course you can get out of it.

Then just keep repeating that you are on a budget and can’t help.

It sounds really hard but changing your own response is all you can do.

BrutusMcDogface · 28/12/2020 12:44

How come you have no mortgage or rent? Are you saving up for a deposit? Sorry for the nosey questions but might help people understand better.

diddl · 28/12/2020 12:44

[quote buddhabuddha1]@shinynewapple2020 I have no debts and they know that. I have no mortgage/rent either[/quote]
So?

Still doesn't mean that you have to bankroll them!

In a genuine emergency do you give cash`?

Why wouldn't you pay an actual bill or do a food shop when you know how shit with money they are.

SwaylorTift · 28/12/2020 12:44

Why aren't you willing to stop lending them money OP?

Sceptre86 · 28/12/2020 12:45

The thing is if you want to make a stand you can't broach it 'nicely'. You need to be blunt. They need to get their priorities straight and you are not a bank. If they can't get through a week without needing you to top them up at the end and are then making frivolous purchases then they have an issue and you are enabling it. You are part of the problem.

Make a stand or continue being a doormat, really the choice is up to you but know that you are not helping them in the longterm.

H1974 · 28/12/2020 12:45

OP try to look at this way, you are feeding their habit, help them by saying a firm no!

If you find saying 'no' too hard the next time they ask, tell them you simply cannot afford to lend them money.

If they need a 1k loan, guide them to the bank, again, tell them, you cannot afford to loan them the money.

In my working environment, I have seen people in your situation getting themselves into financial difficulties due to helping out loved ones. You shouldn't have to worry about other peoples finances, irrelevant of them being family members. Help guide them in the right direction but do not feed their habit.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/12/2020 12:47

Tell them that you’re saving for something and have no money. It doesn’t matter that it’s a parent. You need to just say no. They will never learn otherwise.

oakleaffy · 28/12/2020 12:47

[quote buddhabuddha1]@shinynewapple2020 I have no debts and they know that. I have no mortgage/rent either[/quote]
My parents have no mortgage or debts.. but NEVER lent us a penny, as it leads to bad habits.
They are taking the piss in my opinion.
Essential bills come first.. Mortgage, gas , electricity, water, food..

Any money left over can then buy fun things like lampshades and curtains.

londongirl12 · 28/12/2020 12:48

[quote buddhabuddha1]@NerrSnerr I wish it was that easy [/quote]
Yes it is. Just say no! Stop blaming them when you can do something about it yourself. And then if they get into debt then that's their problem

AcornAutumn · 28/12/2020 12:48

[quote buddhabuddha1]@NerrSnerr I wish it was that easy [/quote]
Why isn't it that easy?

viques · 28/12/2020 12:50

You can’t change their behaviour.

You can change yours.

They are spending money they can’t afford on crap.

You are lending money you can’t afford to your relative.

Seasaltyhair · 28/12/2020 12:51

OP tell them you have started investing all your spare money. Your desperately trying to save and this is the easiest option for you.

Family member - ‘can I borrow £50 for the electric?

You - ‘ah I’m really sorry but I’m skint all my spare money has gone in my investment and it will take a couple of weeks to draw it out again’

( sad face)

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