“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

[Minecraft4life]

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

I have a friend like that. I know that even if we were both single nothing would happen as there is no attraction there whatsoever. I do think it's a problem if it's interfering with married life - if you're diverting some of your energy away from your partner to this guy or spending time with him when you'd normally be with DH but otherwise I don't see the issue.

Of course you’re not unreasonable. Three of my closest friends are male, we’re all married (though in one case one year separated), and no one has had the vaguest sexual urge towards one another in more than 20 years. Your friend may not find it possible to conceive of men other than sexually, but it’s not universal.

My friend thinks it’s iffy because he’s a ‘new’ friend- but everyone is a new friend at some point.

It is weird though. If you work with him, why on earth would you then be messaging him every single day?

We don’t work together directly any more.

Nah, I have male friends and sometimes message daily/late at night or whatever.

I’m quite capable of having a laugh and enjoying someone’s personality and not wanting to simultaneously hop on their penis.

I have this with like 3 different guys on my team. Our "conversations" outside work are almost entirely made up of memes referencing something about work, Donald Trump, COVID or Baby Yoda.

Definitely no desire for anything other than a platonic relationships from any of them.

It's totally possible to have opposite sex friendships and I find it odd that there are adults in 2020 who still think men and women should huddle up in single sex cliques.

The only thing I would say is that opposite sex friendships that originate from work rather than hobbies/mutual friends that become quite intense probably have a higher risk of someone wanting more, especially if messaging directs energy away from their relationships.

Well I think you can be friends, I have male friends I text occasionally. However it’s the messaging every day that jumps out at me, I don’t have time to message my best female friend daily.
Assuming if you have children as you are on MN, a job, a house to run, presumably family and female friends to see, hobbies how do you have time?
I assume you are prioritising time for your male friend so what are you not doing in that time? Should that attention go to your partner?

When I was at uni, I shared a flat with my 2 closest male friends. We were a proper trio, we went pretty much everywhere together - we were very close.

The number of times people raised an eyebrow and asked if we had "an arrangement" was utterly depressing.

Of course, had we had "an arrangement", they'd have been considered studs. I'd have been called a slag.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm

When I was at uni, I shared a flat with my 2 closest male friends. We were a proper trio, we went pretty much everywhere together - we were very close.

The number of times people raised an eyebrow and asked if we had "an arrangement" was utterly depressing.

Of course, had we had "an arrangement", they'd have been considered studs. I'd have been called a slag.

Grim

there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more

I have a friend who says similar, what he really means is “I can’t keep my cock in my pants”. He may be unable to have a platonic relationship, but his actions are his own and his choice.

I don't have any ex-colleagues that I message every day, it does seem a bit intense to me. Are you this way in lots of other friendships? Is he? If so, then crack on, otherwise do a double check mentally that you're on the same.page.

@Fairyliz

Well I think you can be friends, I have male friends I text occasionally. However it’s the messaging every day that jumps out at me, I don’t have time to message my best female friend daily. Assuming if you have children as you are on MN, a job, a house to run, presumably family and female friends to see, hobbies how do you have time? I assume you are prioritising time for your male friend so what are you not doing in that time? Should that attention go to your partner?

It doesn’t really take time. It’s just messages randomly in the day. Two seconds here and there.

@OverTheRubicon

I don't have any ex-colleagues that I message every day, it does seem a bit intense to me. Are you this way in lots of other friendships? Is he? If so, then crack on, otherwise do a double check mentally that you're on the same.page.

I’m a huge chatter, message a lot in my friendships although him more than others. I don’t know if he does- that would be a weird question “do you message your other friends as much as me?”

I message work colleagues and friends a lot - male, female, partnered and single. I'm not interested in any of them! If there's nothing it, ignore!

Given that its a "new" friendship, personally I'd probably wonder too as your friend if there might be some developing or hidden feelings that you don't know about.

Its just that I feel like I've read on here so many times about women who's "platonic male friends" turned out to be after one thing, or who's friend's husbands have hit on them unexpectedly and so on, or who's work friendship turned into a crush or romance.

But on the other hand of course there are platonic friendships. Not everyone is interested in sex all the time.

Gah my phones autocorrect is so weird and hit and miss. Lots of typos there. I miss my iPhone!

@Minecraft4life

My friend thinks it’s iffy because he’s a ‘new’ friend- but everyone is a new friend at some point.

Exactly. I’ve said this a hundred times on here on threads where the default view seems to be ‘Its only ok for your boyfriend/DH to have female friends if they’re old school or childhood friends, and if they’re new friendships, it’s deeply suspicious and the next thing you know you’re finding La Perla receipts in his pockets but getting a Joni Mitchell cd for Christmas.’

But as you say, all friendships start somewhere, unless you think being in a relationship or marriage precludes you from any new opposite-sex friendships ever again. (Which, bizarrely to me, some people on here do, with a lot of ill-explained stuff about ‘respect’.)

I have plenty of male friends, I have no desire to shag any of them nor they me.

As for messaging every day, I am a responder, so if someone messages me then I will respond asap, and if they carry on responding then it’s easy to carry on a conversation that way which could amount to messaging every day. Nothing weird about that.

Being someone with many male life-long friends, I can say with absolute certainty that the male in the equation, although truly liking you as a person and valuing you as their closest friend, would, given half a chance.
Not disparaging men, quite the opposite, I admire the male friends of all women for their commitment to the friendship and keeping their carnal urges firmly in check as to not make their female friends uncomfortable etc.
The above doesn't apply if the male in the platonic friendship doesn't find the female friend attractive. Although, at a push, they still would.

The accurate thing to say is “sometimes someone ends up wanting more”.

I think the question to ask yourself is if something important happened, positive or negative, would you message this man before your DH? Who would you turn to first? Partners can’t meet all our emotional needs and of course friends are important. But generally speaking your partner should be your “go to” person and if they’re not then there is “maybe” some sort of issue.

But as you say, all friendships start somewhere, unless you think being in a relationship or marriage precludes you from any new opposite-sex friendships ever again. (Which, bizarrely to me, some people on here do, with a lot of ill-explained stuff about ‘respect’.)
I believe that on here being comfortable with opposite sex friendships makes someone a 'cool wife'.
Funnily, I'm yet to read a convincing justification for this view because apparently the husband is always 100% trustworthy and adores his wife, but the friendship is still problematic. It's the old "I trust you but I dont trust them", as if any intimate encounter would happen by tripping and falling into each other.

I met a guy at work a couple of years ago - well I say "met", we worked together but remotely so we physically met for about 30 secs when he was in my building for a meeting (he lives over 100 miles from my area). I no longer work for that company, or in that industry. Oh he DID drop in for a cuppa once when he had a gap between meetings in my area a year or so ago.

We speak on the phone around 3 times a week on average, and often text in between depending on what's going on. We have really similar interests and think the same way on many things. We are both single.

But there is absolutely zero physical attraction between us on either part, we are like brother & sister.

Hmmm interesting.
My DH is not a messager so I probs wouldn’t message him first. But that’s not because I want to sit on my friends dick.