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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

197 replies

Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 08:55

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Anon19493 · 28/12/2020 12:54

Nobody is saying you can't have male friends OP but I agree the way you talk about him, the frequency of the conversations, the level of detail etc is all just weird and wrong. I'd be very upset if DH was doing this.

ukgift2016 · 28/12/2020 13:05

I would not be happy if my partner had a female friend like you and I wouldn't allow it. Just being honest, he would have to choose.

I don't believe these type of friendship are completely innocent. Feelings can develop, you need to put your relationship first. Of course YOU don't see a problem with it but I feel men are more the issue here in these type of friendships.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:12

You “wouldn’t allow” your husband to have a female friend like me Confused

I think you’re right, I think it’s the type of man involved quite often. Seems some just hang around on the sidelines being ‘friends’ waiting for an opportunity.

My friend isn’t a ‘sleazy’ sort, I don’t see him as a ‘try it on’ kind of man. I can’t even imagine it Xmas Grin

OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:32

@Minecraft4life

You “wouldn’t allow” your husband to have a female friend like me Confused

I think you’re right, I think it’s the type of man involved quite often. Seems some just hang around on the sidelines being ‘friends’ waiting for an opportunity.

My friend isn’t a ‘sleazy’ sort, I don’t see him as a ‘try it on’ kind of man. I can’t even imagine it Xmas Grin

Ok we get it. Your new man is awesome, not sleazy at all, you just click, he’s better to talk to than your H and you can share anything with him.

You crack on messaging every day. Have you progressed to saying goodnight every night yet? Or good morning every morning? Or saying you miss each other? Do you get a feeling of excitement when he messages?

You are in total denial

BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 13:35

I think if you're asking the question, you know the answer and it's not the one you want.

Have you ever had the kind of friendship, with any other colleague, where you message daily despite seeing each other at work?

What would you think if your husband was doing it?

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:36

Hahaha it’s totally not like that at all. I can see on paper it sounds like bullshit though.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 28/12/2020 13:36

I would not be happy if my partner had a female friend like you and I wouldn't allow it. Just being honest, he would have to choose
That sounds rather controlling to be honest. Isn't trying to isolate romantic partners from their friends, monitor their friendships, decide who they can and can't see a whole bunch of red flags that would be rightly considered controlling or abusive should a man do it to a woman?

Though I'm sure you'll argue that it isn't controlling because your romantic partners are 'free to choose their friendship if they wanted'.

Controlling behaviour is horrible from men and women.

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:38

@Minecraft4life

Hahaha it’s totally not like that at all. I can see on paper it sounds like bullshit though.
Yes

Yes it does

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:41

@LolaSmiles

I would not be happy if my partner had a female friend like you and I wouldn't allow it. Just being honest, he would have to choose That sounds rather controlling to be honest. Isn't trying to isolate romantic partners from their friends, monitor their friendships, decide who they can and can't see a whole bunch of red flags that would be rightly considered controlling or abusive should a man do it to a woman?

Though I'm sure you'll argue that it isn't controlling because your romantic partners are 'free to choose their friendship if they wanted'.

Controlling behaviour is horrible from men and women.

It’s not controlling to not approve of an inappropriate friendship/relationship though. And that’s the point.

Op is in denial but this has started down that road and is already raising eyebrows. It will only progress and any partner would rightly question it and ask a line he drawn

Op does your H know quite how much you message your new man?

Bouledeneige · 28/12/2020 13:45

One of my best friends is a man who I met on my first day of uni. I was his best man at his wedding. We are still close 38 years later. We don't text each other every day though. That sounds a bit intense. I don't text my closest friend every day.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2020 13:46

It’s not controlling to not approve of an inappropriate friendship/relationship though. And that’s the point
There is a huge difference between being wary of someone's motives or not approving of a friendship and not 'allowing' it. An adult relationship is a relationship of equals, not one person in controlling or parental mode deciding whether their other half can go out to play.

If my DH told me he wouldn't allow me to have a friendship with someone and I had to pick then the likelihood is that would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. I would hate to be married to someone who either doesn't trust me or feels entitled to control my social life.

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:49

@LolaSmiles

It’s not controlling to not approve of an inappropriate friendship/relationship though. And that’s the point There is a huge difference between being wary of someone's motives or not approving of a friendship and not 'allowing' it. An adult relationship is a relationship of equals, not one person in controlling or parental mode deciding whether their other half can go out to play.

If my DH told me he wouldn't allow me to have a friendship with someone and I had to pick then the likelihood is that would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. I would hate to be married to someone who either doesn't trust me or feels entitled to control my social life.

I suspect its more not allowing a friendship that looks like this one. Intense, daily messaging, sharing things, admitting they prefer it to their husband. That’s what wouldn’t be allowed.

Normal friendship, normal contact, not a problem

You see the difference?

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:49

‘Op does your H know quite how much you message your new man?’
New man! lol It’s really it like that.
I dont really tell DH when I message people- not to purposefully omit it but just because it’s weird to say “I’m texting Laura about my shoes” “I’m sending Rich this meme”

OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:50

@Minecraft4life

‘Op does your H know quite how much you message your new man?’ New man! lol It’s really it like that. I dont really tell DH when I message people- not to purposefully omit it but just because it’s weird to say “I’m texting Laura about my shoes” “I’m sending Rich this meme”
So no then. Do you not mention as it’s a secret?

How would he feel if he saw? Or you said?

BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 13:50

You could ask DH whether he thinks it's odd for you to be messaging this man daily. Why haven't you?

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:52

Not that it’s a secret, just that it’s not worth a convo starter. He’d think I’d gone mad if I kept a running commentary on my chats.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:52

@BiggerTallerFaster

You could ask DH whether he thinks it's odd for you to be messaging this man daily. Why haven't you?
Because that would make it weird when it’s not weird. 😂
OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:56

Op I dare you. If it’s not weird in any way, ask him. Say you’ve been chatting to this bloke on a daily basis and you share things with him. If it’s nothing then be open

No?

Didn’t think so

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 13:57

@Minecraft4life

Not that it’s a secret, just that it’s not worth a convo starter. He’d think I’d gone mad if I kept a running commentary on my chats.
So lying by omission then
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:58

But that makes it weird! It makes a thing out of a non thing.
“Husband, I want to tell you that I message my friend Rich every day. That is all.”

OP posts:
BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 13:58

Why? You're asking here. Have the same conversation with him. "Friend thinks this is weird, what do you think?"

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 13:59

Because if he also thinks it is weird then it starts a drama over literally nothing.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 14:00

@Minecraft4life

But that makes it weird! It makes a thing out of a non thing. “Husband, I want to tell you that I message my friend Rich every day. That is all.”
Your friend thinks it’s something

Lots on here think it’s something

Yes. Say people think it’s odd and ask if he’s comfortable with it, being honest about the frequency and content

If you don’t want to, what is that telling you?

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:01

That I don't want to get punished for a crime I haven’t committed?

OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 14:02

@Minecraft4life

Because if he also thinks it is weird then it starts a drama over literally nothing.
So you know it’s likely he wouldn’t like it and you’re lying by omission to avoid him knowing