“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

[Minecraft4life]

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

@LolaSmiles

But as you say, all friendships start somewhere, unless you think being in a relationship or marriage precludes you from any new opposite-sex friendships ever again. (Which, bizarrely to me, some people on here do, with a lot of ill-explained stuff about ‘respect’.) I believe that on here being comfortable with opposite sex friendships makes someone a 'cool wife'. Funnily, I'm yet to read a convincing justification for this view because apparently the husband is always 100% trustworthy and adores his wife, but the friendship is still problematic. It's the old "I trust you but I dont trust them", as if any intimate encounter would happen by tripping and falling into each other.

Yes, that’s all wearily familiar all right.

But then you are defining an affair as sex only. People are forever posting in relationships about their partners “emotional” affair”. Some affairs are about sex but not all.

When I was younger I was never able to manage platonic relationships with men. It was depressing. Every single time they would turn it into something else or at least try to.

I had a married work colleague who I got on well with, occasional after work drinks etc. - just had a laugh together.

I left the company and would occasionally meet him for a drink - then one night he claimed there was a problem with his train home (it was a lie) my partner was away (he knew this in advance) so I offered for him to sleep on my sofa. I'd known him over 19 years by this point.

I went to bed and 10 mins later he appeared at my bedroom door in only his undies, chased me around the house until I locked myself in the bathroom. It was like something out of Benny Hill.

In the end Igave him my car to go home. Apart from the next day when he delivered it back to me, and I was clearly furious with him I've never seen him since. He has tried but I just never felt the same about our 'friendship' after that.

That was the worse case but there have been similar others. Including one when I was in my 50s on a college course with a younger guy who was 39. I thought we were really good friends but after a night out with the rest of the class he tried it on too.
I've given up.

An emotional affair surely has undertones of flirting and one day we will fuck or romantic undertones, without those it’s a friendship.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

When I was younger I was never able to manage platonic relationships with men. It was depressing. Every single time they would turn it into something else or at least try to.

I had a married work colleague who I got on well with, occasional after work drinks etc. - just had a laugh together.

I left the company and would occasionally meet him for a drink - then one night he claimed there was a problem with his train home (it was a lie) my partner was away (he knew this in advance) so I offered for him to sleep on my sofa. I'd known him over 19 years by this point.

I went to bed and 10 mins later he appeared at my bedroom door in only his undies, chased me around the house until I locked myself in the bathroom. It was like something out of Benny Hill.

In the end Igave him my car to go home. Apart from the next day when he delivered it back to me, and I was clearly furious with him I've never seen him since. He has tried but I just never felt the same about our 'friendship' after that.

That was the worse case but there have been similar others. Including one when I was in my 50s on a college course with a younger guy who was 39. I thought we were really good friends but after a night out with the rest of the class he tried it on too.
I've given up.

That’s depressing isn’t it

I think its just realistic to assume that its a possibility, and to be somewhat on guard for it - so that's keeping an eye out for flirting, not putting yourself into situations where your partner might worry about you cheating, keeping an eye on how much time you're spending with them vs partner etc.

Emotional affairs don't all happen overnight, they can build and develop especially when the long term relationships dull in comparison to a fantasy.

Ok to put it this way. If I was married (I’m single but hypothetically) and I somehow found out that everything that went on in our lives was always relayed to a 3rd party. That this 3rd party was the one my DH relied on emotionally instead of me all of the time. I’d be hurt. It wouldn’t be about sex. That 3rd party could be male, female or his mother! But yes if it’s another female then of course that’s going to feel more “threatening”.

If you’re always relying on someone outside the marriage emotionally, that reduces the marriage to being only about sex, shared finances etc.

@Meruem

Ok to put it this way. If I was married (I’m single but hypothetically) and I somehow found out that everything that went on in our lives was always relayed to a 3rd party. That this 3rd party was the one my DH relied on emotionally instead of me all of the time. I’d be hurt. It wouldn’t be about sex. That 3rd party could be male, female or his mother! But yes if it’s another female then of course that’s going to feel more “threatening”.

If you’re always relying on someone outside the marriage emotionally, that reduces the marriage to being only about sex, shared finances etc.

But that’s a big leap from simply having a friend, male OR female. My marriage is private. I don’t share its internal workings with male or female friends. I don’t have friendships with either sex where I discuss sex, or finances, or DH’s health. It’s perfectly possible to have friendships which are close and sustaining but that don’t involve detailed communication of the minutiae of your life. My closest male friend split with his wife of 20 years last year at his instigation — obviously I wasn’t privy to what went on in their Relate sessions or what she said when he said he was leaving. I didn’t know her well, but that would be a major betrayal of confidence, and I certainly wouldn’t have listened.

YANBU OP. I have / have had 4 male friends in my adult life that I'd class as close and where nothing has ever, ever happened sexually in either direction. There have been periods in each friendship where both parties have been single and we've been out alone, got a bit drunk, slept over at each other's place etc so the opportunity has been there if any moves were ever to be made. Now we are all in happy relationships the friendships endure, and while we might not get together as much anymore, the same goes for same-sex friends who have their own relationships & families to concentrate on now we're older.

I think friendships can cross over, or be something more on one side or the other, but I don't think they have to be.

If I was married (I’m single but hypothetically) and I somehow found out that everything that went on in our lives was always relayed to a 3rd party. That this 3rd party was the one my DH relied on emotionally instead of me all of the time. I’d be hurt

Well yeah, but surely you don't have to have those kinds of conversations with everyone you classify as a friend? :S

Descant- you don’t discuss anything personal with your friends? Your really close friends? I can’t imagine not discussing personal things with my closest friends. Sex, relationships, money, all key parts of life.

Assuming if you have children as you are on MN, a job, a house to run, presumably family and female friends to see, hobbies how do you have time?

How much time does it take to type ‘Merry Christmas! Eaten way too much today!’ or similar? Less time than it took you to read the OP’s post and write your response I’d imagine.

I have several platonic friendships that have spanned 20 years, marriages, babies, divorces. Never crossed the boundaries

I have a male friend who has been my work/drinking mate for 30 years. Nothing else has ever happened or nearly happened. It's just not like that. We just have the same sense of humour.

Having said that, we text once a month, not three times a day.

@Minecraft4life

Descant- you don’t discuss anything personal with your friends? Your really close friends? I can’t imagine not discussing personal things with my closest friends. Sex, relationships, money, all key parts of life.

My sex life is private to me and the person I’m having it with. Money is of absolutely no interest to anyone else. Mostly it’s of no interest to me! And tbh, I can’t imagine having friendships that focus narrowly on the minutiae on my and their personal lives. I don’t want to know that your DH makes peculiar faces when he comes or likes wearing your tights, and that he gets the hump if you mention it. I don’t care how much you earn.

None of that is the conversational bread and butter of my friendships.

I fear thou doth protest too much.

I think NoPinkPlease has it: if neither of you is interested then there's no problem, text away, hugs etc are all fine. However if one of you fancied the other, then everything becomes suggestive, everything has a frisson: getting a message gives you that little buzz, no reply sends you crashing down, you start analysing their emoji use and punctuation . If it's becoming like that and you already have a partner you need to rein yourself in and redirect your energy, if you want to stay with that partner.

I guess my friend just made me doubt myself. I know on my part that I love chatting to him, he’s smart and funny and interesting, but there’s no sexual attraction for me at all. He’s probably better company than my husband, but so are several of my female friends.

OP I agree with you but what do you mean by "He's probably better company than my husband"? That's a bit worrying.

Would you not feel hurt if your husband considered a new female Work colleague better company than you?

@dreamingbohemian

OP I agree with you but what do you mean by "He's probably better company than my husband"? That's a bit worrying.

Well, look at the several other threads currently running on here about husbands with absolutely no interests other than computer games or football, who can’t maintain a conversation about anything, fall asleep halfway through an episode of any tv programme, and literally never leave the house — in fairness a convenient wall might be better company than these men.

AND lots of posters on those threads have (a) said that this is normal for middle-aged men and (b) that the posters with these husbands should be grateful they’re ‘decent and hardworking’ and rely on their friends for fun and stimulation.

Another issue altogether, we don’t have much fun together.

Yes Descant, there’s an element of getting bored with each other that’s fairly common I’d say.

It may be common but it's not a good sign really

Don't get me wrong, I completely believe you have no interest in this man, but if you're bored with your marriage and find this friend more interesting, there is a little risk there that some feelings may develop. Emphasis on may , not saying you should end the friendship.

As a bisexual woman, this attitude infuriates me. If that were true, I wouldn't be able to have any friends at all because I would apparently be trying to shag them all.