“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

[Minecraft4life]

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

I worked in the police, I had lots of male friends. We went for dinner, coffee, lunch, hung out after shifts, picked each other up for work, went running together, text etc. Nothing wrong with male friends, you can have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to sleep with them

Obviously you can’t answer on his behalf, but I would be curious to know your friends wife’s perspective. Whether she knows how many messages go between you, or even of your existence. I mean you have given us (and maybe yourself) reasons why you are so invested in this friendship. But what about him? he’s clearly equally participating in this. You might end up finding that it won’t matter what anyone you know thinks. She may discover the messages and not like it herself.

I’m not sure I’d use the police as an example. It’s well known affairs are rife in the police force!

My friend group is an almost equal split of men and women and the friendships manifest in the same way. We can go weeks without saying a thing, other times we will message back and forth daily for a bit. All a mix of serious and silly topics and I regularly show anything funny to my DP from all of them. However, literally all but one of the male friends have expressed an interest in being more than friends in one way or another at some point, many years ago now when we were all single. That has no impact on the friendships now but at the time did make me edit myself a bit and feel a bit awkward and disappointed. The point I'm trying to make is that I understand why some people refuse to believe in platonic friendships and myself lean towards the one person wanting more theory based on my own experience.

@Spongebobsquarefringe

I worked in the police, I had lots of male friends. We went for dinner, coffee, lunch, hung out after shifts, picked each other up for work, went running together, text etc. Nothing wrong with male friends, you can have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to sleep with them

Of course you can but to get to a point where you're messaging daily and to avoid mentioning it to DH because you're worried about the "drama" it would cause?

I've answered YABU, only because in my personal experience I've never yet had a male friend who hasn't at some point in the friendship tried to push for something more, including a friend I'd known since childhood who didn't take the rejection well, it was very upsetting. I'm not even attractive or interesting in any way.

But do you think if you weren't being entertained or distracted by friendships, you'd have more motivation to try to make your marriage more interesting and fun?

I don't think it's very sustainable to resign yourself to a boring marriage and rely on friends to keep life fun. What's the point of a boring marriage?

I've had a few close friendships with men over the years but in my experience I've either hoped for more or they have. I had one friend we used to go out for drinks, he used to stay at mine so he didn't have to drive home and we told each other everything (we worked together too and everyone thought there was something going on but there genuinely wasn't) I felt we were like brother and sister we were that close. One night once we'd gone to bed after a drinking session (in separate rooms) he text me and said if I wanted to have sex with him all I had to do was come into his room. I didnt reply and pretended id fallen asleep and the next morning it was never mentioned but there was always that thing hanging in the air and we drifted apart after that so for me if you're not the one who wants more chances are he'd jump at it given the chance 🤷‍♀️ but like I say that's just my experience.

I disagree with your friend in principle, but the situation as described is odd as others have pointed out.

On one hand, I agree that the sentiment that there is no such thing as platonic relationships between men and women is bullshit. I live with both my male spouse and our male friend who I met when married, aging, and heavily pregnant. In the 9 years lodger-friend has lived here, there has never been issue with either me or my bisexual spouse. Maybe I'm just particularly ugly though, but I've been rejected way more from guy friends when I was younger than guy friends who turned out to be into me.

On the other, while my spouse and I have gone through hell and had some bad years, I've never had the idea of being bored with him, I've never thought that was a common thing I should expect, and I talk to him about pretty much everything. If I had a new friend I was talking to a lot, I would definitely tell my spouse about it. If I'm sent something funny online, I pretty much always share it with him and tell him where I got it from. It doesn't need to be a thing or to be made weird, just talking about my day would involve if I've talked with friends (particularly right now when it's been difficult).

It started exactly like this with my bf who ended up having an emotional affair with the person.

If you're thinking about them often, and talking to them all the time, and getting distracted from your home life by talking to them, despite seeing them at work or on lunch break or whatever... I'd say they were the warning signs for an emotional affair.

I get that people have friends that are the same sex as them that talk to eachother often but it's often not as intense as talking every day several times a day.

With my bf, chat about work evolved into non work chat, jokes, memes, etc, which evolved into "good mornings" and "goodnights" every day and an almost constant WhatsApp conversation. It was already an emotional affair, and it eventually evolved into flirting with eachother.

“ With my bf, chat about work evolved into non work chat, jokes, memes, etc, which evolved into "good mornings" and "goodnights" every day and an almost constant WhatsApp conversation. It was already an emotional affair, and it eventually evolved into flirting with eachother.”

This is the path. The script if you like. Op is on it and hasn’t answered when I asked if they’d progressed to good nights and good mornings yet.

Op?

I think that it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex and it can be platonic of course, but I would be upset with my DP if he was messaging a woman EVERY day, I would wonder what he was getting from that relationship that we wasn't getting from me, and I would worry that there was something more. Does your DH know how often you message?

@BillMasen

“ With my bf, chat about work evolved into non work chat, jokes, memes, etc, which evolved into "good mornings" and "goodnights" every day and an almost constant WhatsApp conversation. It was already an emotional affair, and it eventually evolved into flirting with eachother.”

This is the path. The script if you like. Op is on it and hasn’t answered when I asked if they’d progressed to good nights and good mornings yet.

Op?

There’s no good nights and good mornings. There’s no bitching or discussing partners or our relationships. There’s no compliments or hahah oh my gooood you’re so funny crap. There’s a bit of emotional support but not loads, just appropriate in a friendship.

Ok, so see you back here when you do start with the good nights and good mornings?

Then will you admit it’s too much?

I don't think this is always the case, but it may be always the case for some people, if that makes sense.

There are people who, as long as the other person isn't totally unattractie to them, don't seem to be able tp prevent themselves from wanting more and maybe crossing boundaries.

I have a lot of close male friends and I think it's possible. But I would be careful with someone new, that they were really on the same page, the fact is you don't know them well. I'd also keep in mind how their spouse might feel if, say, she found your texts. I wouldn't want to make the wife feel uncomfortable, that's doing no one any good.

@BillMasen

Ok, so see you back here when you do start with the good nights and good mornings?

Then will you admit it’s too much?

I’m guessing you’ve had your heart broken recently

@LopsidedWombat

My friend group is an almost equal split of men and women and the friendships manifest in the same way. We can go weeks without saying a thing, other times we will message back and forth daily for a bit. All a mix of serious and silly topics and I regularly show anything funny to my DP from all of them. However, literally all but one of the male friends have expressed an interest in being more than friends in one way or another at some point, many years ago now when we were all single. That has no impact on the friendships now but at the time did make me edit myself a bit and feel a bit awkward and disappointed. The point I'm trying to make is that I understand why some people refuse to believe in platonic friendships and myself lean towards the one person wanting more theory based on my own experience.

I’m Surprised you could go back to friendship after they had made a move. You’d always be questioning whether they were really a friend or just trying to get a leg over.

@Minecraft4life do you know, I've thought about this before. I think it's an age thing. In my early 20s when an interest was expressed so to speak, I was much more inclined to tolerate nonsense from people than now, in my 30s. I'm glad I did though as I really do value their friendships and don't question it as I've known them all a long time, ranging from childhood to 2007ish, so a long time to hang about in the hopes of getting a leg over

With your situation the only thing that would worry me is that you felt any need to create this post you know? That suggests there's an element of doubt there somewhere imo. On the other hand, I'm sure many of us have been messaging a bit more than normal this year.

I’m guessing you’ve had your heart broken recently

Don’t be so patronising. Yes I’ve been the H in this scenario so can see what’s coming a mile off, as can others who presumably also have some personal experience

I wasn’t being patronising, I was sensing a strong tendency to assume the worst which is usually the result of having been on the receiving end of an affair. This will inevitably make you biased.

[quote LopsidedWombat]@Minecraft4life do you know, I've thought about this before. I think it's an age thing. In my early 20s when an interest was expressed so to speak, I was much more inclined to tolerate nonsense from people than now, in my 30s. I'm glad I did though as I really do value their friendships and don't question it as I've known them all a long time, ranging from childhood to 2007ish, so a long time to hang about in the hopes of getting a leg over

With your situation the only thing that would worry me is that you felt any need to create this post you know? That suggests there's an element of doubt there somewhere imo. On the other hand, I'm sure many of us have been messaging a bit more than normal this year.[/quote]
Not doubt about our friendship as I’m confident it’s a normal one, albeit extra chatty maybe, but wondering if other people will perceive it as ok.
It seems if youve had healthy platonic relationships you err towards it being ok.

@Minecraft4life

I wasn’t being patronising, I was sensing a strong tendency to assume the worst which is usually the result of having been on the receiving end of an affair. This will inevitably make you biased.

So everyone here who has warmed you of what's coming has been broken hearted?

You'll be back in a few months explain why the affair "just happened" and the marriage was dead anyway because you checked out of it emotionally, when you became so attached to your friend

You do tend to see on mumsnet a strong response from those who have been cheated on, they swoop hard on these things with very emotive posts.

This won’t turn into an affair, 100%, I’m not in any fear of it.

@Minecraft4life

I wasn’t being patronising, I was sensing a strong tendency to assume the worst which is usually the result of having been on the receiving end of an affair. This will inevitably make you biased.

What about all the other people who think you’re in denial. Are they all wrong and biased too?

Ok, fine, just start telling DH some of the oh so amusing anecdotes then. You know very well there's a reason you don't.