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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

197 replies

Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 08:55

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 11:37

I feel safe that they won’t. He is near 15 years younger than me. it is more a little brother scenario.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 11:38

But it’s quite depressing how many seem to be friends with ulterior motives like the stories in here. That’s a sad state of the world

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 28/12/2020 11:38

@Minecraft4life

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married. When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”. I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing. Aibu?
Ask your friend then if bisexual people must live a permanent friendless existence
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 11:38

@DoTheNextRightThing

As a bisexual woman, this attitude infuriates me. If that were true, I wouldn't be able to have any friends at all because I would apparently be trying to shag them all.
Gosh yes you’ve no options at all there!!
OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 11:41

@Minecraft4life

I guess my friend just made me doubt myself. I know on my part that I love chatting to him, he’s smart and funny and interesting, but there’s no sexual attraction for me at all. He’s probably better company than my husband, but so are several of my female friends.
Oh you’re absolutely playing with fire here

A new friendship
Message every day
More than other friends
You share things before you tell your h
He’s better company than your h

You’re not being honest here. If I were your H I’d be worried and upset by this, and I think you’ll be back on here in 6 months asking what to do about your emotional affair unless you do something to address this...

FlyNow · 28/12/2020 11:53

Well obviously there is such thing. There is also such thing as a friendship that is a bit flirty and where one or both has a slight crush. In that case I don't think they "end up wanting more", they wanted more from the beginning which is why they became friends.

Which is yours? I don't know. Tbh this thread feels like mentionitus. You just want to talk about how great your friend is, breathlessly explaining how he is so smart and funny and interesting.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 11:55

Not even a tiny bit of me finds him romantically a prospect. He’s like the little brother I never had and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. There is quite a big age gap too.

I think the problem with platonic relationships is that some men are generally trying to get their end away at any opportunity and befriend women with that in mind.

OP posts:
FlyNow · 28/12/2020 12:01

I'm not having a go OP but come on. You sit around all night texting him and thinking about him, he's on your mind so much you even started a thread about him.

You sound just like me in the past when I've been interested in someone but not wanted to tell others/admit it to myself. Somehow I'd find a way to shoehorn that person in to the conversation about 20 times a day.

formerbabe · 28/12/2020 12:06

I think very few men and women can ever be truly platonic friends for life.

It's amazing how many women have male friends when they're young, pretty and single. See how many are still friends with them once they're married, aging, fat mothers....

No offence meant...I'm fat fwiw!

FlyNow · 28/12/2020 12:11

In fact your friendship is an exact example of what your friend is talking about. No, it isn't romantic in that you will end up together, but it does have a spark/chemistry that makes you find each other so hilarious and interesting and want to text all day long. That doesn't mean you even want to get together - in fact often knowing that you definitely won't adds to the spark (no fear of rejection, worry about the future etc).

Frolicinameadow · 28/12/2020 12:13

Most of my friends are men. Never had any desire to sleep with them or them with me. They’ve been to my wedding, children’s naming ceremonies, they’ve seen me young and slim and pretty and a giant whale at 42 weeks pregnant.
I’ve made friends with men more recently too and again there is no desire on either side to be anything other than friends. Some of them are younger, some are my age.
There are people who make comments, mostly to my husband (rolls eyes) but he knows me and trusts me. I figure the people making comments like that are the ones that have the problem.
I’ve managed to be friends with men for over a decade and never kissed/had sex with/groped etc nor have any desire too.

Ihateme · 28/12/2020 12:15

@formerbabe

I think very few men and women can ever be truly platonic friends for life.

It's amazing how many women have male friends when they're young, pretty and single. See how many are still friends with them once they're married, aging, fat mothers....

No offence meant...I'm fat fwiw!

It depends on the friendship. I still have male friends from childhood but I only really see them and their families in the holidays now. The frequency decreased when they got girlfriends, got married etc.

One male friend I made as an adult (at work) hasn’t wanted to me since I told him I was pregnant 10 years ago, even though he came to my wedding before this. I think that told me everything I need to know.

Ihateme · 28/12/2020 12:16

*To see me

Valkadin · 28/12/2020 12:17

It is fine until it isn’t. I worked in a male dominated environment for quite a few years so had slightly more male friends than women. All fine until DH and I temporarily separated when we had been through a very rough patch. Two of those friends, and one had been my friend for a decade and the other for about three years propositioned me.

DH and I got back together after 12 weeks apart.

Elfinghecking · 28/12/2020 12:18

I have a TON of platonic friends. Male and female ( I'm gay if that makes any difference). I put friends strictly in the friends category and have never found myself romantically inclined towards them.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 12:18

@FlyNow

In fact your friendship is an exact example of what your friend is talking about. No, it isn't romantic in that you will end up together, but it does have a spark/chemistry that makes you find each other so hilarious and interesting and want to text all day long. That doesn't mean you even want to get together - in fact often knowing that you definitely won't adds to the spark (no fear of rejection, worry about the future etc).
Don’t all friendships have chemistry though? Or we’d never feel the click and persue the friendship. It’s still platonic if you think each other are brilliant humans but don’t want to be sexually or romantically involved, isn’t it? Emotional affair is so commonly popped up on mumsnet to cover so many scenarios. But I think ‘intent’ is the decider.
OP posts:
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 12:21

@Valkadin

It is fine until it isn’t. I worked in a male dominated environment for quite a few years so had slightly more male friends than women. All fine until DH and I temporarily separated when we had been through a very rough patch. Two of those friends, and one had been my friend for a decade and the other for about three years propositioned me.

DH and I got back together after 12 weeks apart.

The mind boggles. Do you think these friends were waiting for ‘one day’ you’d see them as romantic options or just opportunists?
OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/12/2020 12:26

Op you’re not listening. Lots of people have said that the way you talk about this man, the level of messaging, and what you share, are showing more is at play.

Yes men and women can be friends. What looks to be starting here is more

Would you happily share the content and frequently of messages with your H? Would he be upset? Would you if it was the other way round?

Barmyfarmy · 28/12/2020 12:30

It's a difficult situation because few people are open about emotions in friendships as they don't want to risk losing a friend for a chance of a relationship.

DH has a group of friends who I'm friendly with, but he was uncomfortable that a couple had said they'd fight over me if DH and I ever split up. Although we are completely platonic friends and they would never ever try anything, it's hints and comments like that that make things go sour, and since then I've questioned everything they do and say when we speak/meet.

PegasusReturns · 28/12/2020 12:32

In RL I’ve never seen more than casual friendships between men and women work. In my experience one always wants more. Sometimes they’re actively waiting for an opportunity and sometimes they’re content just to be in the orbit of someone with whom they are in love.

I have male friends but they’re casual friends, I might text them a couple of times a week on specific hobby or work related issues, we might have a drink after work, but I wouldn’t share intimate details of my life daily or have dinner with them alone or go to the cinema with them in the way I would with a girlfriend. I don’t think the intense emotional reliance of texting everyday and sharing intimate details of your life is something that works well across sexes.

Every man I’ve been closer with has eventually made a pass or I have realised I am keener on them than I should be.

Barmyfarmy · 28/12/2020 12:33

Sent that too quickly oops Grin

If someone was sending a lot of daily details so often, it would suggest they don't communicate well with their partner and rely on someone else to offload to? This may not be the case for you, but it would certainly raise eyebrows for some.

TuxedoPanther · 28/12/2020 12:41

YABU for thinking platonic relationship means noses. If you’ve actually read Plato it doesn’t mean that at all. It means a relationship that doesn’t arise out of either initial pure lust or a desire to have children. It means an attraction of souls or personalities where sexual attraction may or may not arise later. And there is nothing stopping those people having sex with one another. It’d still be platonic because how the relationship arose.

Men and women (or any two people who “an opposite we “ situation)can be friends, yes. Their feelings can change over time, also yes, but not necessarily, also true. So boundaries help keep it one lane not the other, also yes.

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 12:41

@FlyNow

I'm not having a go OP but come on. You sit around all night texting him and thinking about him, he's on your mind so much you even started a thread about him.

You sound just like me in the past when I've been interested in someone but not wanted to tell others/admit it to myself. Somehow I'd find a way to shoehorn that person in to the conversation about 20 times a day.

I’m willing to bet you keep mentioning him to your H. He said this, he said that.
TuxedoPanther · 28/12/2020 12:41

No sex not no sex . Duh.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 12:44

No, I havent

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