Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

197 replies

Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 08:55

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

OP posts:
BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 14:02

@Minecraft4life

Because if he also thinks it is weird then it starts a drama over literally nothing.
So you'd prioritise this friendship ahead of your DH's feelings or concerns?
SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2020 14:03

@Minecraft4life

Not that it’s a secret, just that it’s not worth a convo starter. He’d think I’d gone mad if I kept a running commentary on my chats.
I'm with you op.

I wouldn't say to DH Im going to send this picture to Emma so I wouldn't tell him I'm sending it to Steve. If Steve messages me whilst I'm coming dinner or watching TV or can't sleep at night, I wouldn't make a point of reporting to DH, but I wouldn't about Emma either.
If it's something he might be interested in or is funny I might.

I think it's about content and what part of plays in your life. Is it flirty? Is it lots of complaining about your partner's. Lots of compliments? Oh you're so funny, so good looking, any women would be so lucky to have you etc.
How does it feel if he doesn't text one day or if you broke your phone and couldn't message him? I don't think there's anyone I message daily so yes I'd be a bit 🙄 at that but again, if it isn't massively more than other friends is less of an issue.

Steve, mentioned up post, I have less contact with then you do but when we do we'll travel across the city to see each other and spend the day sight seeing, having dinner, getting drunk. I'd happily have him crash at mine or vice versa. DH is fully aware who in with and what were doing. He trusts me now to go around having sex with other men

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:04

Urghhhh
Yes on paper it looks bad IF you have a suspicious mind/pessimistic outlook/have been cheated on.
But it’s really, truly not got potential to become anything romantic or sexual AT ALL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:06

‘wouldn't say to DH Im going to send this picture to Emma so I wouldn't tell him I'm sending it to Steve. If Steve messages me whilst I'm coming dinner or watching TV or can't sleep at night, I wouldn't make a point of reporting to DH, but I wouldn't about Emma either.
If it's something he might be interested in or is funny I might.’
Yes exactly this. It’s a normal, same as everyone friendship so why make an extra deal out of it.

“think it's about content and what part of plays in your life. Is it flirty? Is it lots of complaining about your partner's. Lots of compliments? Oh you're so funny, so good looking, any women would be so lucky to have you etc.”

Never.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2020 14:07

@Minecraft4life

That I don't want to get punished for a crime I haven’t committed?
I agree with this.

I don't have to detail every aspect of my life so DH can be the arbitrator of what is acceptable. I'm a grown adult. If I told him I eat cake daily and he didn't like it, would I be expected to stop? If op said she messaged Hayley every day and he thought it was weird would she be expected to stop? No. But because op might accidently find herself upon his penis one day, DH gets to decide how their friendship works

BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 14:07

If you're not comfortable telling DH about it, there's something wrong. Only you know what that is.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:15

It’s not ‘uncomfortable’ it’s just why would I?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2020 14:16

Ooh worlds least jealous husband has said he assumes I text female best friend every day but would feel a little weird if I text Steve every day.

DrCoconut · 28/12/2020 14:19

I had a close male friend at uni. I stayed over at his place a couple of times after going out and people probably thought something was going on but it just wasn't like that. We're still in touch and it still isn't. Felt like such old farts a few years ago sitting with coffee at the beach while our respective DC played 😂

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2020 14:19

@Minecraft4life

It’s not ‘uncomfortable’ it’s just why would I?
Why wouldn't you, if it's just a harmless friendship? Would you not enjoy it so much if your husband knew about it?
JurassicParkAha · 28/12/2020 14:20

OP, opposite sex friendships can absolutely be platonic, and are very healthy. Plenty of people manage these with no drama whatsoever.

However, you do seem to have an odd marriage as you're saying you prefer your friend's company, prefer messaging him and don't have as much fun with DH as with friend. Emotional affairs do not need to have sexual undertones- just like marriages are not just about sex. When you expect someone to commit 40-50 years of their life to you emotionally, sexually, financially - they deserve to have a more elevated status on all those counts in your life than friends. Your friend won't be wiping your arse when you're old and feeble, your friend isn't going to donate you a kidney or make life decisions based on you.

This friendship might be purely platonic, for now, but you're obviously missing some key fundamentals in your marriage, and this can lead down a slippery slope. Because if you're feeling this lack, your husband is likely feeling it too.... And one day either of you could meet someone with whom you share a great friendship, but also sexually fancy them. If you're sure your marriage is strong enough that this would not happen to you or DH, then not an issue. Otherwise...it may make sense to work on getting this same emotional intimacy into your marriage as well.

BigFatLiar · 28/12/2020 14:25

I think it is possible but you have to remember that your partners are also involved. As someone has said, if you're not comfortable telling your partner then there's something wrong.

How often do we read on here of women being concerned by their partner texting other women. Would we be alright if DP simply said its ok she's a friend. Those of you who have platonic friendships with males may find yourselves being seen as the potential OW by their partner (even if it genuinely is platonic)

BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 14:25

@Minecraft4life

It’s not ‘uncomfortable’ it’s just why would I?
Why wouldn't you? This friendship is obviously very important to you, why wouldn't you talk to DH about it? Except that you know what his reaction would be and prefer not to deal with it?

Mixed sex friendships are perfectly possible and a lovely thing. I have a male friend who is important to me, but he's never prioritised ahead of DH, which is what you seem to be doing here.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2020 14:28

Minecraft4life

It’s not ‘uncomfortable’ it’s just why would I?

Why wouldn't you, if it's just a harmless friendship? Would you not enjoy it so much if your husband knew about it?

If DH declared he text Becky from work every day but it wasn't an issue and he justed wanted to check I was ok with it, I'd assume it WAS an issue and he was covering his back, or he thought it might become an issue and wanted permission as such. Or he felt guilty that he was lavishing an excessive amount of attention on her but didn't know how to stop.
If it came out in general convo, who you messaging? Becky, just saw this cat meme, oh do you message her much, meh most days o guess" it would feel less loaded.

So no, on ops position I wouldn't make it into this big declaration. Although I did hypothetical with DH

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2020 14:29

However op if he asked you who you were messaging, would you be honest? If he asked you how often you did it, would you be honest?

And what are you doing to address the problems in your marriage?

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2020 14:30

I get it OP. Telling your husband how often you chat and inviting his opinion on it comes uncomfortably close to asking for his permission, which doesn't sit right.

Does he know the friendship exists though?

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:30

@SleepingStandingUp

Minecraft4life

It’s not ‘uncomfortable’ it’s just why would I?

Why wouldn't you, if it's just a harmless friendship? Would you not enjoy it so much if your husband knew about it?

If DH declared he text Becky from work every day but it wasn't an issue and he justed wanted to check I was ok with it, I'd assume it WAS an issue and he was covering his back, or he thought it might become an issue and wanted permission as such. Or he felt guilty that he was lavishing an excessive amount of attention on her but didn't know how to stop.
If it came out in general convo, who you messaging? Becky, just saw this cat meme, oh do you message her much, meh most days o guess" it would feel less loaded.

So no, on ops position I wouldn't make it into this big declaration. Although I did hypothetical with DH

Exactly, if it came up in convo I would happily say “oh its Rich” but making it the main convo just looks very sketchy.
OP posts:
BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 14:31

I think your being perverse in asserting that you wouldn't discuss texting other friends with DH.

I don't tell DH about every message, of course, but he absolutely is aware which of my friends I'm in regular contact with.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:32

@dreamingbohemian

I get it OP. Telling your husband how often you chat and inviting his opinion on it comes uncomfortably close to asking for his permission, which doesn't sit right.

Does he know the friendship exists though?

I don’t know actually. think I may have mentioned him before but I’m not sure
OP posts:
praepondero · 28/12/2020 14:32

There are none so blind as those who will not see.
OP, your friendship is a text-book example of the beginnings of an emotional affair, in many a view, more damaging to any marriage than one-night-stand.

BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 14:36

I don’t know actually. think I may have mentioned him before but I’m not sure

You're messaging daily and these messages are wonderfully fun and entertaining but none has ever been worth repeating to DH?

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2020 14:38

Would you say you have given up on your marriage ever being fun and interesting again? I think that's actually the more important issue here. The friendship is a bit of distraction.

Original poster
Minecraft4life · 28/12/2020 14:50

@dreamingbohemian

Would you say you have given up on your marriage ever being fun and interesting again? I think that's actually the more important issue here. The friendship is a bit of distraction.
Yeah, a bit 😬 But this is not a breeding ground for an affair, but could explain the need for lots of friendship.
OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 14:50

YANBU

Send your friend back to the 50s!

Bonkers.

BillMasen · 28/12/2020 14:50

@praepondero

There are none so blind as those who will not see. OP, your friendship is a text-book example of the beginnings of an emotional affair, in many a view, more damaging to any marriage than one-night-stand.
This is spot on

I’m sure MN will be here for you to discuss the next stages/fallout