“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

[Minecraft4life]

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

We share lots of memes. My husband is not a social media type and won’t find it funny. So that would be pretty pointless

@Minecraft4life

We share lots of memes. My husband is not a social media type and won’t find it funny. So that would be pretty pointless

Oh come on. Your husband never, ever appreciates a joke? You message everyday and not one single funny or piece of news has been worthy of repeating and yet you enjoy it enough to be doing it constantly.

Oh FFS people, not all men are attracted to women & vice versa. Same with not all lesbians are attracted to all women, or all homosexual men attracted to men. But they can have very meaningful friendships with them.

I had a very close friendship with a bisexual woman, she was my "person", my go to guy, whatever you like to call it. I'm not in to women, and she wasn't in to me in any way shape or form plus she had a very long term partner. We just "clicked" mentally, and were each other's support. There was never any question of romance or anything of that kind.

I posted about a male friend of mine up thread. He actually called not long after I posted to catch up on Xmas etc, and I mentioned this thread to him. His immediate response was "well I think we're proof of platonic M/F relationships aren't we?"

No one's saying men and women can't be platonic friends, but messaging daily and avoiding telling DH because of the drama it will cause? That's where the issue is.

I give in

You came on here after a friend thought it was off, and lots of people have said the volume of messages, coupled with you yourself saying you preferred the new mans conversation to your H, makes this the start of a slippery slope.

Add to that an absolute refusal to accept that you’re keeping this a secret, means a lot of us think you know this is wrong but are enjoying it.

My advice was to share with your H. Accept you might be messaging new bloke too much, and cut it back. You’ve said there’s no need to cut back and you won’t be honest with your H

You make your own bed. And to paraphrase the saying, the grass is greener where you water it and you’re watering outside the marriage. Lots of us can see where this leads.

So, yeah, good luck

Sorry, I’m not trying to be infuriating. I just know there’s 0% chance of it becoming romantic, I see him as brother material.

So why not tell DH? Surely having someone as significant as a new brother is something worth mentioning.

Did you ever say how you'd feel if DH was messaging someone daily and saying she was better company than you are?

If he's like a brother to you, wouldn't you want your DH to meet him (when were allowed)?

How do you find the prospect of friend and DH meeting?

I’m not averse to them meeting but I can’t imagine it would happen, DH not really a socialiser and hasn’t really met any of my work friends.

@BiggerTallerFaster

So why not tell DH? Surely having someone as significant as a new brother is something worth mentioning.

Did you ever say how you'd feel if DH was messaging someone daily and saying she was better company than you are?

Yes of course that would feel shit but the reality is we’ve grown apart a lot and are quite different people unfortunately.

Years ago I would have agreed that you can just have plactonic friendships, but as I have grown older I would say that your friend is right. I have seen it happen way too often for it to be a coincidence.

Waferbiscuit
It doesn't matter because if someone has concerns about any friendship then they can express their concerns, which I've already said.

I'd be annoyed and be questioning a relationship with any man who felt it was his place to decide to 'allow' me to have friendships.

Adults in respectful relationships are equals and don't give or withdraw permission for their partner's friendships. The 'allowing' friendships has the same controlling and parental undertones to people who talk about being 'allowed' out to the pub/ 'allowed' out with the girls. It's a bizarre dynamic.

One of my closest friends is male, he teases me like a brother and is fiercely protective like a brother. He is a happily married family man(and I know the family). We go for lunch and walks when not in lockdown. I would never dream of doing anything with him and he with me. He helped me through my marriage breakdown (hence the protectiveness) and looks out for me, before an interview for the job I have now we were doing interview practices whilst out for a walk. We message quite frequently (virtually daily before lockdown). He doesn't keep me a secret from his wife.

So it is entirely possible for men and women to be just friends.

You're a lost cause OP. Answering only the questions where you can provide answers that suit your argument.

How many other colleagues do you message daily outside of work ? Why not tell DH about your new brother? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Etc etc

I message several colleagues but not daily. My close friends group we message lots every day. My male friend chats tend to be a quick meme shares etc rather than daily heart to hearts.
I’ve answered the why not tell dh quite comprehensively.
If the roles were reversed I’d feel jealous because you can’t be sure of other people’s intentions. But I know my intentions so I know it’s not a problem.

I’m a lost cause 😂
I’m resurrecting this thread in three years to tell you I’m god mother to their kids and I’ve not sat on his penis.

@JurassicParkAha

OP, opposite sex friendships can absolutely be platonic, and are very healthy. Plenty of people manage these with no drama whatsoever.

However, you do seem to have an odd marriage as you're saying you prefer your friend's company, prefer messaging him and don't have as much fun with DH as with friend. Emotional affairs do not need to have sexual undertones- just like marriages are not just about sex. When you expect someone to commit 40-50 years of their life to you emotionally, sexually, financially - they deserve to have a more elevated status on all those counts in your life than friends. Your friend won't be wiping your arse when you're old and feeble, your friend isn't going to donate you a kidney or make life decisions based on you.

This friendship might be purely platonic, for now, but you're obviously missing some key fundamentals in your marriage, and this can lead down a slippery slope. Because if you're feeling this lack, your husband is likely feeling it too.... And one day either of you could meet someone with whom you share a great friendship, but also sexually fancy them. If you're sure your marriage is strong enough that this would not happen to you or DH, then not an issue. Otherwise...it may make sense to work on getting this same emotional intimacy into your marriage as well.

^ This, 100%

@Minecraft4life

I message several colleagues but not daily. My close friends group we message lots every day. My male friend chats tend to be a quick meme shares etc rather than daily heart to hearts. I’ve answered the why not tell dh quite comprehensively. If the roles were reversed I’d feel jealous because you can’t be sure of other people’s intentions. But I know my intentions so I know it’s not a problem.

You know your intentions, but you can't truly know theirs.

I wholeheartedly believe people of opposite sexes can be friends, but when it's intense like what you describe, it's a bit of a red flag for an emotional affair (EA). People don't need to be sexually attracted to someone at all to have an EA. And daily heart to hearts (that you describe as not being part of your friendship) certainly aren't a requirement for it to be an EA. Any constant contact is a warning sign tbh even if it is only quick messages and memes. I honestly can't tell you how many scenarios I know - I'd say at least 6 or 7 different people I've known but likely more - that started off like you're describing and ended either in a little flirtation, a little more than flirtation, or straight up infidelity, to varying degrees and for various lengths of time. All the situations I know of ended up with at least someone getting hurt. So I would just say to be careful and be very self aware, check in with yourself at regular intervals to see what you're getting from this friendship.

Maybe nothing will ever happen; maybe both of your intentions aren't at all sexual... But you are clearly getting something from this that you're not getting in your relationship, as you have admitted that you prefer your friends company, you seem a bit bored with your DH. That's a red flag really... And that's why it's important to know about the potential for an emotional affair...

I definitely agree with what @jurassicparkaha said, quoted by @htbzllhcR above.

I don't think it's unreasonable for people to suggest that you tell your DH. I (bisexual) had a girlfriend (also bisexual) that said "I've been supporting my (male) friend a lot recently over text as they're sick, and I wanted to make sure you aren't feeling upset that I'm spending a lot of time on my phone". They weren't having heart to hearts, in fact it was mostly memes/pics to cheer the other guy up. It wasn't weird and I
still appreciate that my girlfriend told me why they'd been on their phone a lot. Any time spent on a phone messaging during your time at home is time taken away from your at-home time with your partner, after all (not that it's a requirement to spend every waking spare minute with your partner).

@Minecraft4life

Sorry, I’m not trying to be infuriating. I just know there’s 0% chance of it becoming romantic, I see him as brother material.

I do think, whilst I'm largely on your side in principle, if you have someone in your life significant enough that they are like brother material and you haven't shared that with your husband, your marriage is pretty much dead in the water. I'd concentrate on that rather than what anyone thinks of your friendship. If you have no desire to make it work, be honest and walk away

Life is so much more complicated than ‘walk away’.

Life is so much more complicated than ‘walk away'
This sounds like you're cultivating a friendship that is prime emotional affair territory. There's a fine line between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair. The intensity of this new friendship already made an emotional affair more likely, but your response here highlights you're ploughing your emotional energy into this friendship because it's too complicated to resolve your marital issues or leave.

I feel very strongly about the fact that good opposite sex friendships are perfectly reasonable and find it controlling when people don't allow them, but you're being a bit naive on this one.

I guess all of our relationships fulfil a need. This one is for silly banter and career related chat. Not romantic at all. Just mates.

What’s defines a EA? Where is the line between friendship and EA? It’s so often talked about EA in MUMSNET but never in real life. Is it the butterflies?

Sadly I have found there is no such thing as platonic friendship. Every bloke I've ever thought I was friends with has tried to jump my bones at some point. Every time it has come as a total surprise and been completely unreciprocated by me. Honestly you have no idea how the other person feels. In my experience men hide their feelings well.

And how would you feel if your DH didn't tell you about a very close, but strictly platonic, friendship because he knew you'd be jealous and wanted to save the drama?

I'd say an EA happens when you rely on the friend emotionally more than you do on DH.

www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair