“No such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”

[Minecraft4life]

I have a friend at work and we get along really well, same sense of humour. We message each other every day, just jokey stuff, sometimes work, sometimes life chat, but nothing dodgy. Both married.
When it came up in conversation that we message everyday my friend seemed shocked and said “there’s no such thing as platonic- someone always ends up wanting more”.
I think this friendship is totally fine, and if he was a she no one would say such a thing.
Aibu?

I have completely platonic male friends. One of whom is younger and (my words) surprisingly successful with girlfriends. Apparently women are very keen on him but I can't see it myself. Another is an older married work colleague. We regularly compliment each other on the good job the other has done because our above boss doesn't dish out compliments at all. Another I used to live with as a flatmate and nothing ever happened or ever would happen. We reminisce about landmark events that come up in the news from time to time that occurred when we were 'living together'. I don't bother telling DH except if we meet up and I say 'oh I had coffee with X today'. It's perfectly possible to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I don't fancy every man I meet and I'm old enough to know I'm not every man's cup of tea. So if you have a friendship click with a man it doesn't have to turn into something more. I do also have male friends who have tried it on whilst we were both single. One I visited with some other male friends and we met his wife and DC. Absolutely fine. You can continue a friendship even when they overstep the mark if you draw clear new boundaries.

Men and women aren't totally different species. We can communicate our thoughts and feelings without causing irreparable damage to our relationship.

Hmmm so according to that link an EA could be basically any close friendship. Romantic, non romantic, anything where you are close. That’s a bit restrictive.

What’s defines a EA? Where is the line between friendship and EA? It’s so often talked about EA in MUMSNET but never in real life. Is it the butterflies?

When someone is directing their time and emotional energy more towards a friendship than their partner it's EA territory.
When someone is getting overly defensive and secretive about the friendship then it's probably EA territory.

If someone reads a link to a relationship organisation outlining what an emotional affair is and defensively says 'but that's any friendship' when the doesn't say that, they are probably having an emotional affair.

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable if dh had a close female friend. Strangely he'd be ok if I had a Male friend. My only Male friend is gay and his one female friend I met when we got together, he stopped contact with her very shortly after we met. No pressure from me. I got on really well with her.

So I agree with that relate definition

Op are you saying it’s wrong?

Are you acknowledging there are a lot of their definitions that your “friendship” meets (I accept not all)

Are you going to change anything?

Yes YABU
I don’t believe in such friendship because even though you or him might try to hide it well, you are excited around each other, and are investing time and emotions into each other in a regular basis. I’m not saying I judge!! I’m saying.... impossible for it to be platonic.

@BillMasen

So I agree with that relate definition

Op are you saying it’s wrong?

Are you acknowledging there are a lot of their definitions that your “friendship” meets (I accept not all)

Are you going to change anything?

I think the only bit that applies to me is the extra frequent contact. And I’m a talker so I’m not sure that’s significant.

I guess OP, an EA is one where your partner considers it a breach of trust. In the UK, that Relate definition of an EA has been cited as grounds for divorce under 'unreasonable behaviour' - and accepted by the courts.

However, what is acceptable or not in a marriage is very personal! Only you and your partner can decide that.

I just shared that link (as you wanted to know what an EA is) as Relate is the largest relationship counselling group in the UK, and emotional affairs are being seen as reasons for counselling, now, more so than before - with social media.

I think the key phrase in that Relate definition is 'more than your partner'. It's not any close friendship, it's one that is more satisfying or more important than your relationship with your partner.

I agree it's not about frequency of contact. I have a close male friend I text all the time but I'm very happily married, I'm completely open about the friendship with my DH, and there is no doubt he is my favourite person in the world. That is not what I'm hearing in your posts. So I'm just saying, be careful. You may think your feelings won't change but it can sneak up on you.

“ I think the only bit that applies to me is the extra frequent contact. And I’m a talker so I’m not sure that’s significant.”

Not :

You’re likely to keep an emotional affair secret from your partner because, deep down, you know they would not be happy about it. When it’s discovered, you might describe it as just a ‘friendship’

often texting and emailing each other all day

creating a bond with them that can make it feel like they understand you better than your partner. (You literally said you prefer spending time talking to them)

you still enjoy getting that emotional attention and interest from someone else, especially if you're not getting it in your relationship.

I think you are massively in denial. So, still no need to reflect and maybe make a change?

I’ve only ever viewed male friends in a platonic way but they did become flirtatious, which made me uncomfortable.

100% disagree. I have platonic friendships with men at work that are definitely not based on attraction. I think it is completely normal.

Sad to have missed that.

Bill- nope, I see on paper it looks potentially iffy but I dont feel any different when I text this friend to other friends so I don’t think the genitals are an issue. I’ll be self aware though.

@Minecraft4life

You are enjoying the attention of the chap you are having EA with, whilst denying that EA could possibly be happening.
Such a commonplace attitude, really. People who embark on EA do so without planning to have one, but are all the while actively encouraging the other person to get ever closer, by revelling in their oft-veiled admiration and attention, and reciprocating in kind.
It's a very dangerous territory, is your marriage worth so little to you that you are willing to lose it to your EA partner? Because once your DH finds out about the depth of your attachment to the chap, he will never see/want/love/trust you the same way again, even if he won't leave you.
Your life as you know it will be over.
Is it worth it?

I’m not having an EA. 😂 I’ve got a meme buddy who talks a lot like me. No feelings, no emotions, no deep and meaningful. Just a friend who happens to have a penis.

Have you convinced yourself now?
What does his wife think of your daily chats?
Ah, of course, she doesn't have a clue.

I don’t know if she knows who I am or not, it’s not really come up in conversation. I imagine she, like most, aren’t all that interested in their partners work colleagues.

On the one hand, how can anyone be sure that their platonic friend has no sexual or romantic feelings towards them? You might not fancy them, but you can’t be certain they don’t fancy you...

On the other hand, even if they do fancy you or you fancy them, why is everyone convinced it will end in tears? I have had close workmates over the years who have been attractive and, if I wasn’t married, I would have been interested in. But I am married, so I wasn’t. You can fancy someone without it being a threat to your marriage.

Sensible!

Yanbu.

By that logic gay people couldn't have platonic same sex friendships.

And bisexual people couldn't have platonic friendships with anyone...

So it’s the frequency of contact that waves red flags with opposite sex or the gender of interest.