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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 28/12/2020 06:02

Can she stay at an air BNB near you?

She can’t really demand that you host Christmas.

You need to brace yourself for when/if you have DC.

Pumpertrumper · 28/12/2020 06:05

Sorry OP but yes you are being unreasonable.

I bet 80% of people have a preference for their own family. I prefer my DM to MIL (although I do love MIL) and DH is very placid so I could easily make us spend Christmas every year with my family but I don’t because I’m not selfish.

My DB’s partner massively prefers her family to us (she has young siblings and HATES not being with them on Christmas Day). If she decided she was just going to have them spend Christmas with her family every year I’d miss my DB and he’d miss out on christmases with my kids and family.

His GF is only very early 20’s so I’d get it if she were more selfish but luckily she’s not. Even she understands that you can’t just have what you want every year at the detriment of your partners family.

Maybe one day you’ll have children and their partners will decide in the future that they don’t really fancy seeing you at Christmas as they ‘prefer their own family’ I’m sure you’ll fully understand and be happy to spend Christmas on your own Hmm

(You won’t! You’ll be worse than your MIL and feel sorry for yourself)

ChakaDakotaRegina · 28/12/2020 06:18

In 18 years I’ve never been to MiLs for Christmas! She is also something of a snidey manipulative, madam so I don’t feel bad. It has meant some years i haven’t spent it with DP but it has worked ok. Now we have a kid I’m dreading moving nearer.

If she’s not alone or can be included with your family and you do something with her Christmas Eve etc I don’t think it’s an issue. But yeah if you have kids the pressure is on!

ivfbeenbusy · 28/12/2020 06:20

YABU and selfish

ChristmasUserName2020 · 28/12/2020 06:23

YABU. Maybe she wants to see her son (and in the future grandchildren). Why do the MiLs seem to get left out in the cold all the time whilst the wife’s mum gets all the glory? It doesn’t seem fair. You’re not seeing it from her side.

RickiTarr · 28/12/2020 06:26
Biscuit
user1493413286 · 28/12/2020 06:27

I think you’re being unfair; I’d rather spend Christmas with my family every year but it’d be unfair on my pil and also my DH to make him choose. I can see why she’s worried that if you have DC she’ll never get to spend Christmas with them.

Kalula · 28/12/2020 06:27

Yes you are being unreasonable because she is your husband's mother, how you would feel if you were your husband and you never got to spend even one Christmas with your own mother? Imagine your DH decided you will both spend every Christmas with his mother and you will neve spend Christmas with your own mother? How would you feel? You are being very selfish. Very selfish.

Also, why does she have to stay over night? Surely she could drive back or you or DH could drive her back, OR she could get a taxi or an uber. Unless she lives a plane ride away, there is no need for her to overnight. How far does she live from you?

frazzledasarock · 28/12/2020 06:29

If MIL is rude and makes OP unhappy she has no obligation to put herself out and host a dinner for her (which she wouldn’t normally be hosting anyway).

I don’t put myself out for people who purposely go out of their way to make me unhappy. Why should I?

OP has said her DH has the option of going to his mum’s. But he doesn’t want to.
It’s on him as it’s his mother. Perhaps he should host his mother, cooking/cleaning etc.

And nobody knows what will happen when/if OP becomes a MIL. At least she has an excellent role model of how not to behave if she wants to see her DC over the holidays.

redfernsydney · 28/12/2020 06:31

Wow. ,that is incredibly selfish.

CrotchBurn · 28/12/2020 06:32

I really struggle to understand why so many couples twist themselves out of shape with this.

I go to my family and my DP goes to his. Because we spend 360 days a year together

Strawberrypancakes · 28/12/2020 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happygogoat · 28/12/2020 06:33

Do you have kids @CrotchBurn ?

Soubriquet · 28/12/2020 06:36

Yabu

Everyone would prefer to spend it with their own family but it doesn’t work like that

Alternate it

One year, your family
One year, his family
One year, if you want to, stay at home

Then do it again

Winegumaddict · 28/12/2020 06:37

You sound horrible. I hope you're very very young although most young people I know are nicer than that. If you do have children your DP may take them to see his Mum on Xmas and you'll be left with your family who you much prefer.

EggnogAndAMincepie · 28/12/2020 06:39

Selfish and unreasonable. I much preferred my quiet family Christmases to the noisy ones I had at my in laws but I still went every other year during the 17 years we were together.

CleanAndPaidFor · 28/12/2020 06:47

Very selfish and a bit unpleasant. You sound immature OP. We don't always get to do exactly what what we want in life. You'll discover that if you have children.

Heyahun · 28/12/2020 06:55

Meh I agree with you - hate going to my mil for Xmas (did it once) my husband I tend to depressed for Xmas tbh - I go to my family and he goes to his ! It’s just easier - both my parents and his mum are happy!

We have also had a few years where we went off on holiday over Christmas and skipped going home altogether - and this year we stayed in our own house alone obviously

We do have a baby due soon that will be here next Christmas! We will probably just start staying in our own house at that point - hosting nobody, just us! And see our families at some stage in the days afterwards

I wouldn’t want to get stuck in an ever ending loop of alternating Christmas each year - you can never get bloody out of it!!

MummaBear4321 · 28/12/2020 06:55

I would 100% prefer to spend xmas with just my kids and DH, or my own family. But we spend at least one full day over the xmas holidays with my inlaws. This year we spent xmas day with her when my rule is generally we just do us 4 on xmas day, but CV and all that. I married DH knowing I have to put up with his family. My MIL isnt the worst but she isnt easy (I have a 7 week old and a 2 year old, I am visibly wrecked, and she asked me 3 times when I was 'giving her another grandchild' on xmas day). But, she is DHs mother, and she deserves some time with him and my DCs at xmas, and for me to just keep myself happy would be pretty selfish, so YABU IMO.

Heyahun · 28/12/2020 06:56

And why shouldn’t you be selfish? Life is short - why spend it doing things to don’t want to do 😂

Heyahun · 28/12/2020 06:57

Separate not depressed 🤦‍♀️

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 06:57

Yeah you really should alternate.

QuantumJump · 28/12/2020 06:59

As pp have said, how will you feel if your DC do the same in future - spend every year with their PILs rather than you because their partner prefers it and they don't really mind?

I'd rather see my parents than my PILs for Christmas, but we alternate because that's the kind thing to do.

Indoctro · 28/12/2020 07:01

You are quite selfish to be honest

What about your husband I'm sure he would like to spend Xmas with his family

It should be turnabout

pictish · 28/12/2020 07:04

One day you’ll have children. Those children will grow up and leave home. Maybe they’ll marry people who prefer their own family too, especially when it comes to Christmas. Maybe your son or daughter would rather go to them than come to you.

Don’t worry about it. You can buy Christmas puddings for one and there’s bound to be something on the telly you can watch. You’ll be fine with that.