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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 28/12/2020 10:42

@chanandlerbong01

*You are not selfish or immature. You get one life to live, do what makes you happy!

Your DH doesn’t seem that bothered so why should you be?*

Are you for real? Imagine applying this logic to life.

"Blow the house deposit on a holiday YOLO"

"Have the one night stand"

"Dont show up for kids dance show cos it lasts 3 hours and you only want to see 5 mins"

"Dont take your kids to the park as they will be fine on ipads and it is cold outside"

GenderApostate19 · 28/12/2020 10:48

DD doesn’t particularly like her partner’s family ( well, just his mum really, total drama llama, makes everything about her etc. causes arguments for attention).
But, given that they have his 2 kids EO xmas, she goes to his family then ( and drinks plenty of gin 😉)

the next year they come to us with DGS or we go to them.
It’s a compromise, it’s what you do as long as the disliked party isn’t a raving psycho.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 28/12/2020 11:05

Ww have spent most xmas's with my parents even after kids but that was because mil went away every year when kids were little and only one year have we been invited to do xmas with them but this was to go to a hotel and invited with 8-10 weeks notice and has to pay ourselves and we simply couldn't afford it as was in the hundreds .
She was offended but we didn't have the money, since then they have been away again or spent at home or with my dh sister but we have never been invited again and i am sure she tells everybody its because we only want to spend with my parents
If she had wanted us we would of split 50/50 as my brother does

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 28/12/2020 11:35

You are not selfish or immature. You get one life to live, do what makes you happy!

I'd argue that only doing what makes YOU happy is selfish and immature. How on earth do relationships work and homes run if every adult only did what they wanted.
Or maybe I'll stop cleaning the toilets. I HATE that job.

Singinghollybob · 28/12/2020 11:42

Selfish and unreasonable yes.

Nowaynothappening · 28/12/2020 11:44

YABU. When you have children you should either host them or have it at home just you two and DC. Until you have children it’s most fair to alternate years. Feel sorry for your MIL tbh, you’re being quite selfish.

Lavanderrose · 28/12/2020 11:44

Spent Christmas with my MIL this year for the first time and found it extremely hard, she did not stop talking, even at the dinner table she made a continuous noise of “mmmm” because she couldn’t talk whilst eating. It did dampen the day for me so I can understand OP.

frazzledasarock · 28/12/2020 12:17

I’d not put myself somewhere I know I’m going to be targeted and made utterly miserable. on top of that you’re expected to be the cook and drudge for several days.

If your DH wants to spend Christmas with his mother he absolutely should. If he wants to host his mother, he absolutely should.

I’d continue celebrating Christmas however makes you happy. Life is too short for gritting your teeth and playing skivvy to people who are nasty to you.

KatieGGGG · 28/12/2020 12:21

Some of these comments are not it at all.

You do not need to spend time with anyone you don’t want to. She sounds awful why would you want to spend Christmas with her.

If your partner wants to spend time with his mum on Christmas Day that’s up to him and only him.

If you were encouraging him not to go then yes YABU, but he’s made the decision not to. Assuming she’s not left alone keep doing what suits your family.

People reap what they sew if my family didn’t want to see me at the festive period I’d wonder why.

Aprilx · 28/12/2020 12:30

At first I was wondering why your MIL was volunteering your to host both sides. But on reflection she was trying to find a way to include herself without excluding your parents. The alternative to this is you alternate.

Most people would prefer their side of the family to the in-laws but most have the maturity and inbuilt sense of fairness that they understand it is better to alternate. As many posters have said, how would you feel if you only have boys and spend thirty or forty years never seeing them or your grandchildren again at Christmas. What comes around goes around.

CuriousSeal · 28/12/2020 12:34

Until you have kids, I would spend every Christmas with your own family OP. Your DP is an adult, he can decide if he wants to spend Christmas with your family or with his mum. She is very rude to expect you to host Christmas at your home as well.

I've spent three Christmases at my in laws in 12 years, including this year. He has spent one Christmas with my family. We had a DC this year and going forward we will alternate between spending Christmas in our home as a family and with the in laws and my parents.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/12/2020 12:46

Very rare I do, but another one calling reverse.

OP spends every Christmas with her ILs at DH's insistence, and wants to see her mum?

thegcatsmother · 28/12/2020 13:08

We had our first couple of Christmasses on our own, as dh was duty officer for his submarine, and didn't get home til late Christmas day one year, and Christmas morning the other. Thereafter we hosted my Mum or his parents, or spent it just the two of us. A couple of times he was at sea, so Mum came to me, and I had my ils when he was sent to sea Christmas Eve at very short notice.

For the most part, once db got married, we had Mum alternate years with the ils, but always in our own home. When we were abroad, same thing, though once fil died and mil decided we were all the spawn of Satan, it was a year with dh, ds and I, and then a year with Mum. We've had a run recently of having Mum for three years on the trot as logistics have been difficult. Db is posted abroad now, and we are back in UK. It's easy though, as now Mum is only 15 minutes away, and she goes home after 4 days, whereas when we were abroad, I drove to Devon, picked her up, then up to near London, to pick ds up from uni, then over to Brussels, and rinse and repeat when ds was due back at uni, so she stayed the best part of a month.

Sceptre86 · 28/12/2020 13:10

Yabu and selfish. I do not know how your partner can be with someone who is disrespectful to his mother. I would be very upset of my son behaved this way. You sound childish, xmas is not just your day. If you love your oh on occasion you would take one for the team and head over to his mums. If you would need to host to have her over then you could leave him to cook.

I do enjoy being at my mum's more than my mil's because I don't have to see my sil and it is overall more relaxing for me but it would be unfair to dh so we alternate. As it happens my mil is a kind women and I love her. We also have children and both sets of grandparents want to see them and experience their excitement therefore alternating and sometimes hosting is fair to all.

Heartlantern2 · 28/12/2020 13:14

Your being selfish....but I find selfish people have better lives....my sister is selfish and demanding, she gets rewarded for it really.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2020 13:24

I think it is unkind not to alternate really.

PandemicPavolova · 28/12/2020 13:29

Yy frazzled and its always the demanding Mills that's cause the problems. She has not kindly asked op, she as usual, has demanded that x y z happens.

ContessaDiPulpo · 28/12/2020 13:35

Has it occurred to any posters that the DH may well resist any attempts to go to his mother's for Christmas?

OP: I have decided that next year we will both go to your mother for Christmas.
DH: Why?
OP: We shouldn't leave her alone every year, it's mean. And you refuse to go alone, so I have to come too.
DH: But I don't want to go to her.
OP: Well you have to.
DH: Shan't.

Argument ensues in which DH tells OP nothing needs to change and she's making a fuss over nothing. OP gives up and is the villain of the piece again next year.

roarfeckingroarr · 28/12/2020 13:43

So long as your husband is happy too, YANBU

roarfeckingroarr · 28/12/2020 13:49

We always spend it with my side and see his on another day around Christmas. Does this make me selfish when it's my partner's preference too? His family are difficult and we both prefer to actually enjoy Christmas

crosstalk · 28/12/2020 13:50

There are so many factors to be taken into account over two sets of parents. Including how far away they live, whether they live alone but have no family around or they live alone and have masses of family around bar you. Whether they can drive or take a train. How much room anyone has to put them up or whether they have the room or energy to host and have DC and GDC. How your work patterns fit - there are plenty of people apart from the emergency services who need to be at home over the Christmas period so they can get to work or be called out.

No one size fits all.

No one size fits all.

phoenixrosehere · 28/12/2020 13:53

YANBU

Your husband is an adult and can decide where he wants to spend Christmas. It’s ridiculous how many want to put that ownership on you or think you should go so he goes.

The whole “if you have sons” malarkey is tiresome. Some are ignoring the fact that these sons are adults and can chose to do what they want.

I’m a mother of sons and my parents have my sister and I. My sister went home every Christmas while I found reasons not to for many years. I didn’t enjoy it for the most part because dealing with gossipy, nitpicking, arguing parents who then proceeded to use me as a sounding board when they were alone with me was not how I wanted to spend my Christmas every year. Even after having children, this has changed only slightly due to us being 4,000 miles away from my parents and we visit them every few years and vice versa so they can see their grandchildren. We usually visit his side which I enjoy mainly because I get to go to Edinburgh Christmas Market alone but most of it is tiring since I spend most of it stopping our sons from touching things in their home when we’re not in the hotel. As time has gone on, my husband has been looking to go somewhere else because it’s become too much for him to visit them but he does so out of obligation. We had talked about going somewhere warm last year but of course stayed home this year and it has worked out great with us, happy and relaxed.

The last thing I would want is our sons to feel obligated to visit us on Christmas when they rather be or do something else.

As long as he is visiting them at other times, don’t really see the issue. It’s his choice and his family. It’s not your job to convince him to engage with his family if he chooses not to.

MrsToothyBitch · 28/12/2020 13:56

I think you're a bit stuck really because it sounds like your husband doesn't want to see her, either! YANBU to not feel keen on having or visiting her but you and your partner ABU not to try and work something out before it becomes a row. How would he feel about you hosting her? And that's you plural- he should be helping if you have guests and should take the lead on entertaining his own mother.

In all seriousness once DC enter the equation, you might have to start alternating. I can't imagine ever spending Christmas away from my parents, I love it just the three of us but I know at some point I'll have to or start hosting (oh joy, drudgery) with or without DC but definitely with. Currently I would like to stave off Christmas at DPs family because it is so different to Christmas with mine- loud and all over in the am and I also know atm I'm broody so would struggle with being around his little niece and I don't think that's fair on anyone. I think he'd rather not have Christmas with my parents because it's so different to what he's used to (we have a way more luxurious, grown-up paced Christmas since no DC in the immediate family) and I think he'd find it a bit slow, dull, quiet and also worry about my mum judging him if he wanted a nap (he's an awful sleeper).

Plussizejumpsuit · 28/12/2020 14:00

As pp's have said most people want to be with their own family but it doesn't work like that. Why should your dh not have Christmas with his family? You're being really selfish.

frazzledasarock · 28/12/2020 14:19

Why is it OP’s fault her husband doesn’t want to spend Christmas with his own mother?

I’d hope my DC want to spend time with me happily when they’re grown adults. I don’t expect to dictate to them how and when they should.
I’m not horrible to my DC and want them to be at ease and happy in my home.

If I was nasty to them I’d fully expect them to give me a wide berth and spend their free time with those they love and treat them well.